Running

A man with a black heart
He’s the town’s police
The meanest
One around
There is no eye contact
No physical touch
No crossing his path
Unless
One wants his wrath
Some are scared of him
Others stay away
Under the cruel mask
Is a broken man
Filled with sadness
And rage
But no help is around for him
Mother was a drunk
Died in his 7th year
Grandparent nowhere to be found
A dad of drug addict
Tears he shed
Turned into slaps across the face
His blue and purple arms were questioned by his teachers
But a simple
“I fell”
Answer was told
A broken leg from the bullies was never cure properly
Later cost him much money to fix
His 18th year was his escape
He fee his hometown
Thinking
Hoping
To leave behind the awful memories
But they just came back with a punch
Hitting him harder than ever
They were crystal clear
They were his roots to his anger
All his life he was pushed around
But he wanted to push others around
Hard
He trained
And worked out
Till he was big
And strong
He joined the police force
Shoved those bullies into jail
Locked up his dad for life
But still feeling that fury
He made sure everyone knew who he was
And what he capable of doing
And he was successful
But curing nothing
He grew older
And angrier
A single look
Frighten the children
A snarl made the teenagers back off
A step forward sent the men running the other way
He had a rusty black beard
Dark little eyes
Yellowed teeth
And stood at 6’ 5”
Weighed at 250

A child at the park
Blind and young
4 years
Was running around
He was having fun
Even though he couldn’t see
He enjoyed the feeling it gave him
The wind flying past his ears
His feet barely touching the ground
He ran into everyone there
Never crying when he fell
Never complaining
He laughed
And run once again
Everyone knew him
So they didn’t mind his crashes
But as he was running a new path
He headed towards the officer
His mother saw this a little too late
She tried to call him
He didn’t hear
He was busy listening to the sound of his heart beat
Going faster and faster
Suddenly the young boy bumped into the officer
He started to laugh
But oh
The police man didn’t like that
He turned to look at the boy
Gave him the look
But
It didn’t work
A snarl made the boy laugh harder
A step forward made the boy hug the officer’s leg
And he froze
Never before was he hugged
Everyone around was frighten
Worried for the boy
But the young boy looked up
“Hiya!”
The officer was building up a yelled
But then
“Even though I can’t see the world,”
“I like to pretend that it is colorful,”
“I heard of these so called ‘colors’,”
“They sound amazing,”
“Red,”
“Orange”
“Yellow,”
“Green,”
“Blue,”
“Purple,”
“I’m sure what they are,”
“But I do know that you can see them,”
“And I want you to see them for me,”
“So I kept imaging this colorful world,”
“You are now in my world.”
The officer stared at him in shock
Amazement took him under
Suddenly his voice left him
Not a sound came out
Silent was poured throughout the part
All ears waiting
Eyes watching
The safety of the young boy was at risk
But only in the minds of the people
The boy left safe
“Are you my daddy?”
“I’m been looking for him for a while.”
He hugged the man’s leg even tighter
Man fell to his knees
Everyone ran for the safety of the boy
Afraid that the officer will hurt him
Or worst
But as they came closer
They saw
But didn’t believe
The police officer was hugging the boy back
With tears falling down from his eye
All his rage and sadness
Disappeared at that moment
“No son. I’m not your father,”
“But I will see those colors for you.”
“Thank you”
And the boy left running again

Hi there, Ballet Dancer! I'm June, your critic for the moment.


To be honest, this poem was not the most interesting read. It lacked structure; rather it was a long, skinny paragraph with fragmented sentences throughout.

I think it's great that you wrote the poem as a narrative, but I strongly feel that this should be cleaned up a bit, dear. You're speaking in fragments; it's a narrative, you're allowed to speak in full sentences.

Also, I would suggest adding a bit of punctuation for this. It is decent, but I will not say that it's the best that it can be without punctuation.

There's also quite a bit of repetition. It's not a bad thing! But repetition has to be done properly, because in some cases when a word is repeated too often or too boringly, the poem just becomes boring, and that's what you want to avoid when writing poetry.

So, I would say to mirror this poem to how you speak. I want you to tell this story in words, and I want you to write the words don as you speak them. The language that's used here is a bit difficult to understand, not because it's complex, but it's not traditional speaking style. ... if that makes sense?

With that said, you have a really great idea, with lots of potential. I think you can go great places with this.

June

Hello Ballet dancer,

This is a beautiful piece! I love the metaphor of running! the man running away and the young boy running right in to it. I also loved the connection at the end. One thing though...

young boy looked up

Not that it matters but it didn't sit with me right. I know even though the boy is blind he can "look" up but he can't look up.

Anyway, don't worry too much about punctuation but it's always good to have there!

Hope this helps. If you need anything, just PM me!

Awake