One Shall Stand...

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Tessa shook as Gina held the gun. Her hands had a death grip on the sheets of the bed, and she said silent prayers for safety. All of this was getting to her. She was in a motel in Eagles Nest, New Mexico, snowed in, with a crazed woman waving a gun around. Her own sanity was beginning to fray.

“Gina, please, put the gun down,” she pleaded. “Let me go.”

“I can’t do that,” Gina said, smiling softly. “Please don’t ask me to again. I can’t let you go. You need to be safe.”

“We’re fine,” Tessa said, a tremble in her voice. “Riley and I, we’re fine. Owen left us enough to help. We’re fine.”

Gina shook her head. “He’s not here to protect you. Someone has to watch over you, keep you safe.”

“We can keep ourselves safe...”

“No! No you can’t! There are too many people out there who will hurt you. People like the man who killed Owen.”

“Gina, please.”

“I saw it happen. Camera 5, Store 214, Fairview, Oklahoma. I still remember it.” Gina paused. “Owen was scanning the man’s items. Some bread, some milk. Then the man moved. A switchblade to the throat, quick and clean, almost ninja-like. Never said a word. Just sliced open his throat and ran.”

Tessa cried. Gina reached out a hand to comfort her, but the battered woman drew away from her.

“Don’t you understand, Tessa?” Gina asked. “I saw him die. I was with him. That gives me a responsibility. I have to watch out for you and Riley.” She motioned towards Tessa’s son with the gun.

Tessa growled. “Don’t point that at him,” she said. “Don’t you dare.”

Gina smiled. “I won’t. But please, understand.”

“I won’t. I refuse to.”

Tessa crawled to the head of the bed and sat there. Riley still sat in the corner and clutched his Transformers toy, his eyes wide with fear. Gina looked at the both of them.

“I’ll be back in a moment. I need to get us some things.”

She kept the gun on them as she walked to the door. Riley got up and walked over to his mother. Gina froze, watching him intently.

“Please, stay,” Riley said to her. “I’m not going to say anything to you, but I want you to be here for a moment.”

Gina smiled and nodded, pleased at Riley’s acceptance of her. “Of course.”

Riley turned and looked at his mother. For a moment, she felt hurt, betrayed. But he looked her in the eyes. She saw his were filled with sadness, and age, as though he had seen many things in his short life.

“Mom, do you remember what I was playing with, on the day that Dad died?” Riley asked.

The question was out of place in so many ways. Tessa was thrown off balance. “What?”

“I was playing with my G.I. Joes,” Riley continued. “With Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Firefly.”

“Riley, what is this? Why are you saying this?”

“Dad spanked me the night before. I was bad. I kicked Lady twice. He was angry. He spanked me. I was mad at him. Very mad at him.”

Tessa was confused, her mind screaming at her. A crazed woman with a gun had kidnapped her, and here Riley was babbling about his toys and being punished. “Riley, don’t bother me with this. It’s not important.”

Riley didn’t listen. “It hurt so much. I...I didn’t know. I didn’t know how or why. I kept it hidden ever since. But I can’t. I think, once more, things can be right.”

Riley held his Transformers toy close to him, then looked back up at his mother. “Optimus Prime was always my favorite. I always felt he was like Dad. I’m sorry I did this, Mom.”

“Riley,” Tessa said, her voice wavering, “what is this?”

“I’m making this right.”

The door burst open, slamming into Gina and knocking her aside. The gun went wild and hit the wall on the opposite side of the room. Tessa screamed and buried her face in the bed, hiding from whatever this was. The wind whistled outside. Footsteps approached the bed. Tessa kept sobbing, afraid of this new development.

“I’m sorry,” Riley said. “I’m so sorry.” Then he began to cry.

“I forgive you.”

That voice. She knew it anywhere, had spent many long hours in the night wishing to hear it again. Without a pause she looked up. Owen was there. Somehow, beyond all hope, beyond all possibilities, he was here, back from the dead. She jumped up and rushed to his arms, clinging to him, dampening the shoulder of his red coat with her tears.

“I thought I lost you,” she said, choking and sobbing.

He held her. “It’s all right. I’m here now. Everything is all right.”

Tessa felt something tugging at her pant leg. In her wonder, she looked down. Riley smiled.

“All are one,” he said.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hey Connie!

It's been a while since I reviewed anything of yours but hopefully this will be a helpful critique. ^_^
Tessa shook as Gina held the gun. Her hands had a death grip on the sheets of the bed, and she said silent prayers for safety. All of this was getting to her. She was in a motel in Eagles Nest, New Mexico, snowed in, with a crazed woman waving a gun around. Her own sanity was beginning to fray.


I love this first paragraph but it needs a little work. I don't think you should mention the name of the person holding the gun. Right now I want to feel Tessa's fear and the way the sentences are ordered just don't seem right to me.

Here's how I'd word this:

Tessa shook. Her hands had a death grip on the sheets of the bed, and silent prayers left her lips as she stared into the crazed eyes of the woman holding the gun. She was snowed in- at a motel in Eagles Nest, New Mexico- with a woman who could possibly end her life. As the reality of this sunk in, her sanity began to fray.

“I can’t do that,” Gina said, smiling softly. “Please don’t ask me to again. I can’t let you go. You need to be safe.”


The underlined part messed up the flow of things for me. I mean, she has a gun! And I don't think she'd have a mouthful of things to say, especially if she's crazy. Plus, it messes up the mood. If you want her to say something, tell Gina to tell to Tessa to shut up or something.

Verdict

Well...I didn't like this, Connie. Not because it wasn't written well but because I was slightly confused. All of this just seemed too surreal and it was like this was a big puzzle with missing pieces, you know? I know little about the Transformers but...did this have something with that?

Sorry if I wasn't of any help but keep writing.

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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It's not bad. You seem to have a pretty good feel for dialogue, and your prose successfully creates a feeling of suspense. However, like Angel, I found this pretty confusing. I don't know if this is just a short story or a segment of something else, but there are a lot of loose ends that I don't quite understand... The ending, for example, seems abrupt and a bit random. I can infer that Gina is probably crazy or evil, but I still don't feel as if I understand everything. Why was Gina trying to kidnap them, then? How was the husband still alive? etc etc.

I definitely agree with Angel's suggestions for the first paragraph. I think it could be more show, not tell - though generally description can weigh a suspenseful scene down, I think it would really help to portray the emotion of the scene and pique our interest if you started out by showing Tessa's fear and gradually revealed the cause of her fear.

There are some points where your use of pronouns or order of words confused me. For example:

She motioned towards Tessa’s son with the gun.


For about two paragraphs I thought you meant that Tessa's son was holding a gun and they were in some sort of standoff. Maybe you could say something like "With the barrel of the gun, she motioned towards Tessa's son" instead?

Another thing I noticed was that Riley seemed to speak very maturely. From his actions and your description, he seemed like he was about 4-8 years old, but his words seemed to have the insight and eloquence of a 25 year old, at the least. I don't know if that is supposed to be some part of his character or what, but for me it felt odd and disconcerting.

Overall, I feel pretty ambivalent towards this piece. It has the potential to be interesting and exciting, but you need to sort out some ambiguities and answer a few questions. We don't have to know everything at the end of the story, but we should feel a sense of closure and hopefully feel like we understand why things happened as they did. In other words, let us know why they thought Owen was dead and why Gina kidnapped them, or at least hint at it.

Best of luck, and happy writing!

~Pan



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae