Story of Melanie Scott

Preface

I could hear the faint beeping of the machine next to her. That was the only thing that assured me she was still alive. I looked at my mother’s face, once strong and unbreakable, now weak and brittle. I wipe my hand across my face and got rid of the moisture there. I just sat, there holding her fragile hand, waiting. She’s going to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She is going to die. Those words kept running through my head ever since the doctors told me they did everything they could, but it wasn’t enough. She’s going to die.

Hours passed and her breathing got slower; all of the sudden the machine started beeping like crazy and a doctor came into room. I was too overwhelmed to realize what was happening. Then the beeping stopped; and just like that it hit me. She’s dead. I started crying like crazy; why did this have to happen to me? My mom is everything to me, she’s all I had. How could she live me alone like this? I’m only fifteen, what am I supposed to do now? I have no brothers, sisters; my mother just died and as far as I’m concerned my father, wherever he may lie, might as well be.
I couldn’t help what I did next; I jump out of my chair and hugged my mother’s now limp body, and began sobbing louder. I felt a kind hand on my shoulder and a faint I’m sorry.

She was really gone, my mother, my best friend.

“Ah!” I woke up from my dream with a start. My heart was beating fast and when I reached up to face a felt the trail of a dried up tear. Snapping out of my haze I realized I was in my new room. I can’t believe I still remember that day so exactly.

I turned on a light and began to take deep breathes. It’s been about two months since my mom died, and I guess I’m not as over it as I thought. Right now I’m living with my aunt Maggie and uncle Joe. My mom gave them custody over me, because she knew how much they loved me and how much I loved them. Mostly, it was because of their son Ian, my cousin and best friend. He’s probably the only thing that keeps me sane and probably the only person that knows I’m not as o-kay as I claimed to be. So it was no surprise that he had heard me and came to check up on me.

“Hey are you alright?” I looked up at him, and immediately burst into tears. When he saw my face he came over to me and wrapped me in his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder, and we just sat there; me crying and him comforting me. He knew me well enough to know what was wrong and not to say anything or ask any questions.

Hey! Basket here! I'm going to be reviewing your piece today... I hope you don't mind! My corrections or my suggestions on what should be corrected (in my opinion), are going to be in bold within the quotation boxes.
So, here we go!

sat, there holding her fragile hand, waiting.

The comma is in the wrong place. Put the comma after "there".

Hours passed and her breathing got slower; all of the sudden the machine started beeping like crazy and a doctor came into room. I was too overwhelmed to realize what was happening. Then the beeping stopped; and just like that it hit me.

This kind of just goes too fast. I mean, yes, your MC's mother is dying and usually death is quick, but if you're in a hospital, more than just one doctor would come into the room. Try to give some description to this event, especially since it seems important.

“Ah!” I woke up from my dream with a start. My heart was beating fast and when I reached up to face a felt the trail of a dried up tear. Snapping out of my haze, I realized I was in my new room. I can’t believe I still remember that day so exactly.

"Fast" to "frantically".
"To face a" to "to my face and".
Comma after "haze".
"Exactly" to "vividly".
All of these are just suggestions, but in my opinion, they sound much better--makes the whole thing flow much more smoothly.

I turned on a light and began to take deep breathes.

Breaths.

I’m not as o-kay as I claimed to be.

You can take out the hypen.

“Hey, are you alright?” I looked up at him, and immediately burst into tears.

Comma after "hey" and nix the comma after "him".

He knew me well enough to know what was wrong and not to say anything or ask any questions.

I think you can just say "to ask any questions".


Hope this helped! This was interesting... I'd like to see where this was headed. Plot isn't very clear quite yet, but usually in prologue's they're not.
If you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to PM me.
-Basket-

Hey there, Blue socks! Welcome to YWS!

I'm June, your critic for the moment. Before I begin my review, I just want to say that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, which means that you should complete two reviews for each one piece you submit. Please complete two reviews as soon as possible.

Now! Let's see!

I could hear the faint beeping of the machine next to her. That was the only thing that assured me she was still alive. I looked at my mother’s face, once strong and unbreakable, now weak and brittle. I wipe my hand across my face and got rid of the moisture there. I just sat, there holding her fragile hand, waiting. She’s going to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She is going to die. Those words kept running through my head ever since the doctors told me they did everything they could, but it wasn’t enough. She’s going to die.

So, you have a good idea here, although one may argue that this sort of opening has been done before. I think that you should combine these sentences a bit-- even though it's a flashback-- to make the sentences more fluent and a bit more coordinated, dear.

So! See here:

I could hear the faint beeping of the machine next to her; it was the only thing that assured me she was still alive. I looked at my mother’s face which had once been strong and unbreakable, now weak and brittle.

I wipeed my hand across my face and got rid of the moisture there. I just sat, there holding her fragile hand, waiting.

She’s going to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She is going to die.

Those words kept running through my head ever since the doctors told me they did everything they could, but it wasn’t enough.

She’s going to die.

So! I all I did here was space out the paragraph and add breaks and stuff, because it's easier to read when you're faced with sentences, instead of a paragraph.

Also! When you have a flashback in italics and you have a thought that you want to show, unitalicize the thought, so that it's distinguished, dearie.

Hours passed and her breathing got slower; all of the sudden the machine started beeping like crazy and a doctor came into room. I was too overwhelmed to realize what was happening. Then the beeping stopped; and just like that it hit me. She’s dead. I started crying like crazy; why did this have to happen to me? My mom is everything to me, she’s all I had. How could she live me alone like this? I’m only fifteen, what am I supposed to do now? I have no brothers, sisters; my mother just died and as far as I’m concerned my father, wherever he may lie, might as well be.

Now! this paragraph holds a lot of important information for us that we need to know, but when you present it to us like this-- closely writ and few bits of description, it's hard to understand.

Another thing I want to point out is lack of realism. How would you feel if your mother died? I understand that the girl is heartbroken-- she flings herself after the body of her mother. That's not enough though. It doesn't feel like her panic is real, her heartache exists, or that she misses this person.

So! I want you to add more touches of realism to this. Avoid telling us so much in one paragraph, dear. Space it out, add description. Description is what your story and audience thrives on.

Make this sound like a book, not an event that you are narrating to a friend, dear.



Phantomie Basketie has pointed out some important things such as punctuation and such that you should pay attention to. Use it! It's your best friend in writing.

So! Remember, use more description, realism, and do not info dump (large paragraphs with too much information in them at once).

Best luck writing,dear!

If you've any questions, PM me.

Juniper

So sad... but so cool! I love wright more soon!

AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!! I really like it. The concept is cool and original. And I liked your adjectives. I know, I'm such a dork. Anyway, time to be your critic (I'm your bf, It's my job to be your #1 critic... kidding) Okay, here ( She’s going to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. ) I think it would be better if you wrote She was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. Even though it practically the same, I think it sounds better that way. Also, (I have no brothers, sisters) Here, I think you should put brothers or sisters. Lastly, (I can’t believe I still remember that day so exactly.) Maybe, you could put so perfectly, but that's up to you. Overall, I really liked your preface and I can't wait to read the rest. So, post soon!!

I think people have covered what I wanted to say about it really. I love the concept and I hope to see more from you!
'...I’m not as o-kay as I claimed to be...'
Don't mix tenses! Naughty, especially not in the same sentence. [:

Prefaces are almost never needed. Unless you're planning on switching POV or jumping forward or backward in time significantly, make this chapter one.

This is pretty good, but you need a little bit more if you want us to feel the emotions as strongly as she does. With strong emotions comes physical counterparts, usually pain. How's it feel - physically - to be high on hope, then lose it all, then lose her mother?

And slow down a little bit. Don't tell us 'all of a sudden' - let us see the rush. Explain the chaos around them as she sits there, heartbroken.

Expand on all five senses. You have hearing and vision - what about the rest? And build on those, too. What are the doctors wearing? What's the room smell like? Is it stifling? Remember - you think of strange things when you're upset.

In "The Horse Whisperer", a movie, the mother said "I'm going to learn all of the nurses' names. It's good to know that." when her daughter loses her leg. And she asked which leg it was when she first learned that.

Work on that. Imagine losing your mother yourself and let yourself sob - experience it. Then write it.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

The first thing I must say is, Congrats you're the person I've ever reviewed! Before I get to the reviewing let me just say that... I am not a professional reviewer and I somewhat dislike reviewing. In other words I'll try my best.

The descriptive word "crazy" is good way to display something going haywire, out of control or insane. This is perfectly used when the machine beeps like "Crazy". The next used of the word is describing how the main character (or I think), cries for his deceased mother. Now there is nothing wrong with using the same descriptive twice, heck I do that sometimes. But I have seen that it is better to use different words to convey the same type of emotional tone (IE crazy is somewhat similar to uncontrollably, just to give one example).

Another thing I found a bit hard to convey was the beginning.

“Ah!” I woke up from my dream with a start.

The word "start" is somewhat confusing (or at least to me). I don't know if you meant to spell "startle" here, just wanted to give you some insight about that.

I can’t believe I still remember that day so exactly.

I am not sure that the word "so" should be in this sentence, but then again, what do I know I ain't no damn English Major. Maybe you should re-write the sentence? "I still couldn't believe I remembered that (descriptive word of your choice to display the awfulness of that day) day to the every last detail". To convey the re-written example better, you may wish to add some other senses in the dream, so the re-written example can have more impact.

I turned on a light and began to take deep breathes.

I am not sure if the word "breathes" is the word your looking for. Although I dislike correcting people, it may be wrong, I think word your looking for is "breaths", but then again I could be wrong.

Well that is my review, hope it was somewhat helpful to you. Now about this dream, is it based on a realistic dream you had? Sorry for going a bit personal, but it seems quite detailed enough as if you lived it in real life or at least sub consciously. Hell, most of my writing is based around a dream I had, of course the dream only gives so much, so I must create the other parts to complete and convey the story plot. Well, would you look at that I gave some info about my writing... oh well, I guess... was going to anyway.

Do not be intimidated by other people, because if you are then they will control your writing. If you like the use of the word "crazy" go for it, after all it is "your" writing, not mine. With nothing else for me to say, but this... Hope this was helpful and back up your work or bad things will happen to you and your dog...

-Chaos Angelfish