A Glimpse of Green

A/N: This here is part one for my entry in 'The Monster is Back' contest. I need you guys to rip it apart because I do have time to fix it up before the contest is judged. Your help would be very much appreciated!

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A Glimpse of Green

Every single night, I would stand in that doorway, fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all, but I was never able too. That simple little action seemed to evade me and I resented it. I would tell my mother and she would sigh, claiming it was such an annoyance.

But she did not see it, the dark skeletal hand beckoning for me to come closer every night, the green callused skin just barely visible in the shadow under my bed. It would whisper my name, and would laugh at my hesitance; that dark chortling laughter that haunted my dreams for many nights after. Call me foolish, call me a coward, but I would refuse to go to bed. I could just imagine those tendril like hands reaching out around me, grabbing at clothing and bed covers finally settling at my throat.

My breathing would catch, and I would shrink into a smaller and smaller ball, until I was in almost a foetal position. I would sit there, eyes peeled open wide and let my fear escalade until I was at a breaking point. I would throw back my covers, leap out of my bed and run straight into my parent’s room, settling myself in-between them. A safe and comforting feeling would encase me in a happy warmth, the fear would vanish of that green scaly creature which bore no face, and I could be content. My eyes would close and I would silently drift into dream worlds filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies; everything including the absence of that monster which lurked under my bed.

This night was no different. I stood there, trembling in fear, hand poised above the light switch. I took in a staggered breath before I turned the light off, the room being encased with darkness, and soon the return of the night creature. I could tell you I was positively petrified. I didn’t want to take one step into that room, onto the pink canopied bed. I could see myself going over there and all of a sudden, the hand would grasp my ankle, knocking me over onto the floor and slowly pulling me under the bed. My screams would not be heard and I would be forgotten in that chamber there, the only thing to keep me company was that fowl creature.

I flicked off the light, and almost automatically the voice came.

“Mary? Oh Mary dearest? Why do you run from me so?”

The voice came out in a gruff tone, quiet and unsettling. It was enough to make me run.

I ran down the hallways, my pink nightgown billowing at my heels.

“Mother!” I screamed.

She materialized out of the darkened kitchen and looked at me unimpressed, flicking the hall light on as she drew nearer. She did it so casually, how come I could not do so?

“Mary, how many times do I –”

“Mother, it is there! The monster spoke to me mom! It wants to eat me!” Those words came out rapid and in a panic in a last attempt to make her believe me. She once thought it funny, she once though it cute, but now it was just a big aggravation. She looked down on me, eyes squinted, the dark shades under them showing lack of sleep and of her deteriorating health.

She walked passed me briskly, seemingly ignoring my last comment, her long straight brown hair falling away from her shoulders behind her. I followed her, watching her striped pajamas and noting how they creased like so at the knees. One does not know why such little details seemed to surpass others through memories.

My mother flicked the light back on, stooped down right beside my bed and looked under it and pointed.

“It is nothing but your imagination. See?” The tone in her voice was angered, and I seemed to fear her more then that monster. I came closer though and lowered myself to my knees. I slowly laid my head down to the cedar floor boards and beheld a sight I thought I could never behold.

There was nothing there but a couple cobwebs and a Barbie doll I had lost last week. There was no crammed green creature there, or no secret entrance to a hidden chamber. There was nothing no matter how much my eyes pried. I straightened up, confused and certainly bewildered.

“There was nothing there all this time,” I muttered absentmindedly.

“Exactly. All these foolish games were for naught.”

I got up from the floor and silently dusted off my knees. Clambering up into my bed, I paused and turned to my mom who had wordlessly walked to the doorway and was standing by the light switch.

“Was he ever actually there, mother?” I asked, voice wavering a bit.

“No, he wasn’t,” she said flicking the light off and once more encasing me into darkness, “and now it is time for you to go to bed.”

“I don’t like how dark it is.”

“We will get you a night light.”

“I kind of miss him.”

“Good night Mary.”

And she left, leaving me to contemplate whatever actually made those sounds, or what that green creature actually was. Soon enough, I had lost myself once more to my dream world filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies, and this time, friendly green creatures which would hide under little girls beds.

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Thanks for reading!
~Incognito

Hey Incognito! Kat's here for a review!

Nit-picks!

Every single night, I would stand in that doorway, fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all, but I was never able too.

I think this line has too much to be just one. Maybe break it, like Every sing night, I would stand in that doorway; my fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all. But I was never able too. <--- Also, this way, it gives more emphase to the last sentence.

I could just imagine those tendril like hands reaching out around me, grabbing at clothing and bed covers finally settling at my throat.

Comma missing before 'finally'.

My breathing would catch, and I would shrink into a smaller and smaller ball, until I was in almost a foetal position.

I don't think catch is the right verb to use here. At least layed out like this. "I would catch my breathing back," or something like that. Foetal? Typo? (fetal)

and I could be content.

Would?

My eyes would close and I would silently drift into dream worlds filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies; everything including the absence of that monster which lurked under my bed.

Dream worlds sounds awkward. Try: "a dream world". Comma after everything.

I flicked off the light, and almost automatically the voice came.

Haven't you turned the lights off already? "I took in a staggered breath before I turned the light off"

“Mary? Oh Mary dearest? Why do you run from me so?”

Comma after the second Mary. The last question seem misworded. This is soooo creepy. I can actually hear it!

“Mother, it is there! The monster spoke to me mom! It wants to eat me!” Those words came out rapid and in a panic in a last attempt to make her believe me.

I don't understand the seocnd line: 'The monster spoke to me mom!' I think you meant: The monster spoke to me, mom! Also, rapid should be rapidly. Reword the last sentence like: Those words came out rapidly and in panic, as a last attempt to make her believe me.

“Was he ever actually there, mother?” I asked, voice wavering a bit.

With a my, before voice, it would sound so much better.

Overall:
I really liked this! A sweet little piece
Your characters, imagery and description are lovely!
I must say, you have me checking my bed before I go to sleep

Questions? PM me ^_^
*Kat*

Hey! Basket here! I will be reviewing your piece today... hope you don't mind! So... even though I'm part of this contest (no worries, I won't steal ideas... my first part is already written and posted. ) I could not help but want to read this...
I promise I won't give you any "destroying" ideas for your story...
So, my corrections or what I'm going to correct will be in bold within the cool quotation boxes. So, here we go!

Every single night, I would stand in that doorway, fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all, but I was never able too.

Change "too" to "to".
Ahh... that was confusing.

But she did not see it, the dark skeletal hand beckoning for me to come closer every night, the green callused skin just barely visible in the shadow under my bed. It would whisper my name, and would laugh at my hesitance; that dark chortling laughter that haunted my dreams for many nights after. Call me foolish, call me a coward, but I would refuse to go to bed. I could just imagine those tendril like hands reaching out around me, grabbing at clothing and bed covers, finally settling at my throat.

This paragraph is absolutely wonderful! I can so picture it in my head! Just one small thing... a comma after "covers" would very a very good idea.

until I was in almost a foetal position.

I believe the correct spelling is "fetal".

the fear would vanish of that green scaly creature which bore no face,

Ahh... not so sure "of" is the best word here... it kind of seems awkward to me...

She once thought it funny, she once though it cute, but now it was just a big aggravation.

I'll bet you meant "thought" here, no?

There was nothing there but a couple cobwebs and a Barbie doll I had lost last week.

Ahh, I'd personally change "a" to "the".

There was nothing, no matter how much my eyes pried.

I really, really liked this. Much, much different from mine... I guess that's what you get when you get different writers together, yeah?
Ahh, I would change the little corrections I mentioned above.
Oh. Something that kind of bothered me... since your story is in first person and this first part is supposed to be of when your MC is about six years old or so... Well, obviously Mary is more adult than she should be--you've given a glimpse of her home life, which is excellent, and explains it perfectly. However, since this is first person, it seems a little odd reading something from her point of view when she's six, especially since she seems like a teenager speaking.
Does that make sense? Hopefully it does...

Feel free to PM me if you have any comments, questions or concerns on anything I said.
-Basket-

Hi Incog!

I'm lazy . It's been a long time since I did this sort of review:

Every single night, I would stand in that doorway, fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all, but I was never able too. That simple little action seemed to evade me and I resented it. I would tell my mother and she would sigh, claiming it was such an annoyance.

[Second Paragraph]
But she did not see it, the dark, skeletal hand beckoning for me to come closer every night, the green callused skin just barely visible in the shadow under my bed. It would whisper my name, and [s]would [/s]laugh at my hesitance; that dark chortling laughter that haunted my dreams for many nights after. Call me foolish, call me a coward, but I would refuse to go to bed. I could just imagine those tendril-like hands reaching out around me, grabbing at clothing and bed covers finally settling at my throat.

My breathing would catch, and I would shrink into a smaller and smaller ball, until I was in [s]almost[/s] a foetal position. I would sit there, eyes peeled open[s] wide[/s] and let my fear [s]escalade [/s] escalate until I was at a breaking point. I would throw back my covers, leap out of my bed and run straight into my parent’s room, settling myself in-between them. [s]A safe and comforting feeling would encase me in a happy warmth, the fear would vanish of that green scaly creature which bore no face, and I could be content.[/s][REWORD] A safe feeling of comfort would encase me in a happy warmth and I could be content as the fear of the green, scaly creature who bore no face vanished. My eyes would close and I would silently drift into dream worlds filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies; everything including the absence of that monster [s]which[/s] who lurked under my bed.

This night was no different. I stood there, trembling in fear, hand poised above the light switch. I took in a staggered breath before I turned the light off, the room being [s]encased[/s] [REPETITION; USE SYNONYM] engulfed with darkness, and soon the return of the night creature. [s]I could tell you I was positively petrified.[/s] I didn’t want to take one step into that room[s], onto the pink canopied bed.[/s] I could see myself going over there and all of a sudden, the hand would grasp my ankle, knocking me over onto the floor and slowly pulling me under the bed. My screams would not be heard and I would be forgotten in that chamber there, the only thing to keep me company was that fowl creature.

I flicked off the light, and almost automatically the voice came.

“Mary? Oh, Mary dearest? Why do you run from me so?”

The voice came out in a gruff tone, [s]quiet[/s] low and unsettling. It was enough to make me run.

I ran down the hallways, my pink nightgown billowing at my heels.

“Mother!” I screamed.

She materialized out of the darkened kitchen and looked at me unimpressed, flicking the hall light on as she drew nearer. She did it so casually, how come I could not do so?

“Mary, how many times do I –”

“Mother, it is there! The monster spoke to me mom! It wants to eat me!” Those words came out rapid and in a panic in a last attempt to make her believe me. She once thought it funny, she once thought it cute, but now it was just a big aggravation. She looked down on me, eyes squinted, the dark shades under them showing lack of sleep and of her deteriorating health.

She walked passed me briskly, seemingly ignoring my last comment, her long straight brown hair falling away from her shoulders behind her. I followed her, watching her striped pajamas and noting how they creased [s]like so[/s] at the knees. One does not know why such little details seemed to surpass others through memories.

My mother flicked the light back on, stooped down right beside my bed and looked under it and pointed.

“It is nothing but your imagination. See?” The tone in her voice was angered, and I seemed to fear her more [s]then[/s] than that monster. I came closer though and lowered myself to my knees. I slowly [s]laid[/s] lowered my head down to the cedar floor boards and beheld a sight I thought I could never behold.

There was nothing there but a couple cobwebs and a Barbie doll I had lost last week. There was no crammed green creature there, or no secret entrance to a hidden chamber. There was nothing no matter how much my eyes pried. I straightened up, confused and certainly bewildered.

“There was nothing there all this time,” I muttered absentmindedly.

“Exactly. All these foolish games were for naught.”

I got up from the floor and silently dusted off my knees. Clambering up into my bed, I paused and turned to my mom who had wordlessly walked to the doorway and was standing by the light switch.

“Was he ever actually there, mother?” I asked, voice wavering a bit.

“No, he wasn’t,” she said flicking the light off and once more encasing me into darkness, “and now it is time for you to go to bed.”

“I don’t like how dark it is.”

“We will get you a night light.”

“I kind of miss him.”

“Good night Mary.”

And she left, leaving me to contemplate whatever actually made those sounds, or what that green creature actually was. Soon enough, I had lost myself once more to my dream world filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies, and this time, friendly green creatures which would hide under little girls beds.

This was nicely written. It didn't bore me at all, and read evenly from start to finish.

The monster seemed unbearably cute. Kidding; you did a nice job making him scary, but not too scary. Good luck in the contest, Incog. Nice work on this.

Juniper

Thanks all of you for your reviews. They are incredibly helpful. ;3
I appreciate you taking your time to do this.

~Incognito

I must say you did a really good job( I'm still novice but...) and I am really lloking forward to seeing more of your work! Please, continue writing! By the way, a couple of mistakes I saw:

A/N: This here is part one for my entry in 'The Monster is Back' contest. I need you guys to rip it apart because I do have time to fix it up before the contest is judged. Your help would be very much appreciated!


---------------------------


A Glimpse of Green


Every single night, I would stand in that doorway, fingers ready to flick the lights off once and for all, but I was never able too. That simple little action seemed to evade me and I resented it. I would tell my mother and she would sigh, claiming it was such an annoyance.


But she did not see it, the dark skeletal hand beckoning for me to come closer every night, the green callused skin just barely visible in the shadow under my bed. It would whisper my name, and would laugh at my hesitance; that dark chortling laughter that haunted my dreams for many nights after. Call me foolish, call me a coward, but I would refuse to go to bed. I could just imagine those tendril like hands reaching out around me, grabbing at clothing and bed covers finally settling at my throat.


My breathing would catch(akwardly worded), and I would shrink into a smaller and smaller ball, until I was in almost a foetal position. I would sit there, eyes peeled open wide and let my fear escalade until I was at a breaking point. I would throw back my covers, leap out of my bed and run straight into my parent’s room, settling myself in-between them. A safe and comforting feeling would encase me in a happy warmth, the fear would vanish of that green scaly creature which bore no face, and I could be content. My eyes would close and I would silently drift into dream worlds filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies; everything including the absence of that monster which lurked under my bed.


This night was no different. I stood there, trembling in fear, hand poised above the light switch. I took in a staggered(in my opinion, I'd use RAGGED) breath before I turned the light off, the room being encased with darkness, and soon the return of the night creature. I could tell you I was positively petrified. I didn’t want to take one step into that room, onto the pink canopied bed. I could see myself going over there and all of a sudden, the hand would grasp my ankle, knocking me over onto the floor and slowly pulling me under the bed. My screams would not be heard and I would be forgotten in that chamber there, the only thing to keep me company was that fowl(FOUL) creature.


I flicked off the light, and almost automatically the voice came.


“Mary? Oh Mary dearest? Why do you run from me so?”


The voice came out in a gruff tone, quiet and unsettling. It was enough to make me run.


I ran down the hallways, my pink nightgown billowing at my heels.


“Mother!” I screamed.


She materialized out of the darkened kitchen and looked at me unimpressed, flicking the hall light on as she drew nearer. She did it so casually, how come I could not do so?


“Mary, how many times do I –”


“Mother, it is there! The monster spoke to me mom! It wants to eat me!” Those words came out rapid and in a panic in a last attempt to make her believe me. She once thought it funny, she once though(THOUGHT) it cute(I would say: She once thought it funny and cute), but now it was just a big aggravation. She looked down on me, eyes squinted, the dark shades under them showing lack of sleep and of her deteriorating health.


She walked passed me briskly, seemingly ignoring my last comment, her long straight brown hair falling away from her shoulders behind her. I followed her, watching her striped pajamas and noting how they creased like so at the knees. One does not know why such little details seemed to surpass others through memories.


My mother flicked the light back on, stooped down right beside my bed and looked under it and pointed.


“It is nothing but your imagination. See?” The tone in her voice was angered(how about, her voice sounded angry?), and I seemed to fear her more then that monster. I came closer though and lowered myself to my knees. I slowly laid my head down to the cedar floor boards and beheld a sight I thought I could never behold.


There was nothing there but a couple cobwebs and a Barbie doll I had lost last week. There was no crammed green creature there, or(If i were you, I'd use AND) no secret entrance to a hidden chamber. There was nothing no matter how much my eyes pried. I straightened up, confused and certainly bewildered.


“There was nothing there all this time,” I muttered absentmindedly.


“Exactly. All these foolish games were for naught.”


I got up from the floor and silently dusted off my knees. Clambering up into my bed, I paused and turned to my mom who had wordlessly walked to the doorway and was standing by the light switch.


“Was he ever actually there, mother?” I asked, voice wavering a bit.


“No, he wasn’t,” she said flicking the light off and once more encasing me into darkness, “and now it is time for you to go to bed.”


“I don’t like how dark it is.”


“We will get you a night light.”


“I kind of miss him.”


“Good night Mary.”


And she left, leaving me to contemplate whatever actually made those sounds, or what that green creature (LEAVE ACTUALLY OUT)actually was. Soon enough, I had lost myself once more to my dream world filled with pink castles and princes, horses and ponies, and this time, friendly green creatures which would hide under little girls beds.


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Thanks for reading!

~Incognito