Book of Raziel - Chapter 2

Hello

I reckon it's hard to just focus on a single chapter at a time, so I'm going to post enough chapters so the readers can see how this novel's gonna be.

Well, enjoy!
Tuna


Crueton - Death won't do me apart

To be strong, then what I am or what I will be shall not matter

My name is Crueton. For whatever the reason is, I'll fight, no matter how silly the cause is. Battle, it's the only joy I have while living, which also brought myself to join the Kingdom's force.

My first task was...I'm not really sure, honestly. There was this demon that was said to be able to raise the dead, and had hundreds of immortal minions serve under him. His name was Celes, and all that I remember is, I was trying to seek and assassinate this demon, when I'm supposed to just investigate. I couldn't tell the difference between those words sometimes.

So that leads me here, dead, after trying to hold someone who was apparently Celes' guard from obliterating the rest of my group.

I open my eyes, just to see the same darkness. Everything around me seem far away. Which way is up, which way is down? My hands, where are they? Am I still alive? The last thing I remembered is raising my hand to a girl that looked like a princess, that was staring at me. Shortly after that, I died, well I'm pretty sure. This must be hell, just the thought chills my spine. I try to scream, but no sound could be heard. I am doomed, I am finished, life is not a place for me anymore, and...I guess I exaggerated a little.

"Let me out!! Where am I!" I scream, and at the same time gravels pours on my face, which is why I hesitated to open my mouth before. "Pffh! What the..." I force my self to move my body, feeling the rough underground roots and elastic object that soon turns to something wet, it's as if I'm buried under a well-grown tree with all the happy worms -that are now squished- beneath. I push myself up, and as I scrub the dirt off my face, I find myself half buried in a shallow wooden coffin, with a tag, "Size L, only 96 Nochts", I say out loud, "What a cheap hell..."

I was thinking of looking around, before a rather familiar eeriee voice lead my eyes to where I'm supposed to look. "You're awake," the voice say.
I notice the ground I've been 'playing around' on is in front of a terrace to a mansion. It's old but well-maintained, with some vines prowling over the cracked white-painted walls, but they're trimmed nicely, letting only the white lilies hanging around. I also see a chair and a table, with curvey ornaments matching the surrounding, and there he is, sitting on one of them, the man with thick black armor. I'm not sure why he's still wearing the heavy helmet. Style, perhaps?

"Why...I thought you killed me?" I ask straight on. I get up, and prepared a fighting stance. My vision is still blurred every now and then, and I feel dizzy, but, getting stabbed again? No thanks.

The man's head faces me, -which implies that I just don't know where he's eyes are looking at behind those helm-, and stands. "The Princess will be here soon, so you better keep your manners," he say while walking down the small three steps to the same ground I'm on. The aura he gives out is just like before, with every step closer I feel death might split me in half the next time I blink. His cape falls lightly behind him, and then there's a yellow hair pin tucked on his left arm. I'm not sure why it's there, but it adds more to how I think I should call him.

"Wh-what do you want, you big, armored, hair pin stealer maniac!" I yell. I don't know why still alive just to see the same person that killed me, but this makes me know my limit, and I don't want to lose exactly the same way as before until I do something about my weakness.

He stops, maybe because he's offended. Now he moves again, ready to bring me down barehanded. "Aaahhh ! I'm sorry !" I scream, but it was all too late. He hold my arm back with one hand, lock me down to the ground with his weight, and grab my jaw as such that I can't even say "stop!" properly.

"Garrand," another voice suddenly stop the armored knight from killing me for the second time. It was a voice of a young girl, reminds me of Aka but with far more controlled tone. I look up after this man called Garrand lets go of me.

She's that girl that saw my head flying! She wears a dress that touches the floor, of color purple and black on the bottom, and white on top. Her ruffled cuff, gloves, and ribbon are clean white. She doesn't seem to wear any make ups though, her face looks like she's tired, half closed eyes but still face slightly upwards, showing off her status aloud by looking down at what she sees. Her blond hair startles me the most, it has the most perfect swirls -or whatever you call that kind of hair is- like the kind of hair you thought only dolls would have. Her appearance is stunning, but for some reason I don't see any reason why a runt girl would walk around in Celes' mansion?

"Who are you? Where's Celes? I thought I'm already dead, what did you do to me?" I ask rudely. I sense someone not able to accept my tone, and soon after, Garrand pinched my jaws again. "Aaah! I'm sorry!" I cry for mercy.

The situation is clearly intense for me. I'm in the middle of a mission, and I'm also worried about my friends, but, this girl is laughing! I'm supposed to be dead, but here I am still breathing, wait...

"You are dead, little boy," the girl say lightly. "You died, and you still are now" I'm not sure who's 'little' here, but talking to her feels like I'm talking to a teacher.

I'm dead, that means I can't grow old again? That means I don't breathe anymore like normal person? NO...this can't be! I'm too young to die! There are many things I want to achieve; ...like stuff... I look down, the white floor turns dark the way my eyes sees it, everything is. I am no longer alive.

"I want to establish an agreement with you, so please keep the dramatic reactions for other time" she say, breaking my contemplation before I resort to bending down and screams a super extended version of 'why--'. I wanted to complain, but I guess I better be quiet so I don't offend Garrand the Sensitive Knight again. She sit down, pours tea in one of the cup, then offers me to sit, "what is your name?"

My clothes still has pieces of dirt that is constantly falling. I sit, felt the cloth on the table like a gentleman before I answer proudly, "I'm Crueton". My name is pretty famous among the Kingdom, and I can tell from her face that she recognize my name somewhere.

"Crueton?" Her voice rises. A smile cracked on my face seeing her reaction. "Tastes good with salad." I curse as loud as I can in my head. Patience...

"I assume you are familiar with the war between the Government and the Kingdom, yes?" She ask, it's something very common so I just quickly nod. "Good. Do you know how this war influences the demons?" She ask again, something that I never consider in Panna's heating war. "The Government, aside from using their patriotic excuse to gain fame, also places bounties over those who they consider dangerous. The demons are one example. The weaker ones became humans prey just for the prize, while the stronger ones are forced to destroy the lands just to gain the peace they once had."

I'm never into these kind of talk, so I just blurt out my question from before, "so...who are you?"

"I'm the necromancer Celes, and you're my new reanimated corpse." She say, smiling.

All this time I thought Celes was an old looking guy type of demon, but he's actually this little girl? Sometimes I wonder where my assumption leads me. "So...you just brought me back to life?" I ask.

"We have a common enemy, the Government. Our reason may be different, and I'm not your ally nor the Kingdoms', but it's pointless if we keep leeting the Government divide us and conquer."

I wasn't listening. I couldn't care less about the war, the demon, and the rest. Celes' necromancy skills are top quality. The reason why Celes has fourteen million Nochts placed on her head was because her powerful reanimating revenants that once took over the Government's fort without much effort. I then ask to confirm, "am I stronger this way?"

Celes smiles again after hearing my question. "You are careless for a human. Most of the time humans run after I reanimate them from death, they couldn't accept their fate and let their bodies rot after losing their mind."

"To be strong, then what I am or what I will be shall not matter." I say out loud. This is my only pride. Power is my religion, my faith. I remember when I started thinking this way. A long time ago, when...ah, fuck it. The past is not important if you already have lots of things to do in the present.

Celes and Garrand turn quiet for a while, maybe they're trying to understand me. Maybe dying that time was the right choice, it's about time I start dealing with real action, real power!

"So what's the plan? Are we gonna scramble down the Government? What about the other demons? Are they going to be at war?" I ask her without trying to hide my excitement.

Celes, who was smiling all this time, now looked a bit disappointed, and then sighs, "I'm not interested with the war between the demons and the Government, yet."

I can't help but say, "huh?"

"We're quiet low on stock." Garrand takes over the conversation. "we haven't been able to buy anything from town since the bounty on the Princess' head, they're always scared if we appear in the market."

I slap my face slowly when I see Garrand giving me a shopping basket. So this is how it's gonna be...

Hello! I like how you have introduced the new characters and look forward to seeing how they tie in with those already introduced- Crueton was really funny!

Crueton - Death won't do me apart (do me apart doesn't make much sense as an opening line, maybe something about death not defeating him would work better?)

To be strong, then what I am or what I will be shall not matter

My name is Crueton. For whatever [s]the[/s] reason [s]is[/s], I'll fight, no matter how silly the cause is. Battle, it's the only joy I have while living, which [s]also brought myself to[/s] is why I joined the Kingdom's force. (I thought that might flow a bit easier as before the sentence sounded a bit clumsy )

My first task was...I'm not really sure, honestly. There was this demon that was said to be able to raise the dead, and had hundreds of immortal minions serv[s]e[/s]ing under him. His name was Celes, and all that I remember is, I was trying to seek and assassinate this demon, when [s]I'm[/s] I was supposed to just investigate. I couldn't tell the difference between those words sometimes.

So that leads me here, dead, after trying to [s]hold[/s] stop someone who was apparently Celes' guard from obliterating the rest of my group.

I open my eyes, just to see the same darkness. Everything around me seems far away. Which way is up, which way is down? My hands, where are they? Am I still alive? The last thing I remember[s]ed[/s] is raising my hand to a girl that looked like a princess, [s]that[/s] who was staring at me. Shortly after that, I died, well I'm pretty sure I did. This must be hell, just the thought chills my spine. (I'd maybe change this to 'chills me' or 'sends shivers down my spine' as they are two more commonly used phrases ) I try to scream, but no sound [s]could[/s] can be heard. I am doomed, I am finished, life is not a place for me anymore, and...I guess I am exaggerat[s]ed[/s]ing a little.

"Let me out!! Where am I!" I scream, and at the same time gravels pours onto my face, which is why I hesitated to open my mouth before. (Did he know gravel would pour onto his face earlier? I thought he didn't know where he was? I'd maybe leave out about saying that it was the reason why he didn't open his mouth earlier.) "Pffh! What the..." I force my self to move my body, feeling the rough underground roots and elastic (I'm not sure if 'elastic' is the best word to use here, maybe rubbery?) objects that soon turn[s]s[/s] to something wet, (I think 'something wet' could be changed to something better, like pile of mush or something like that) it's as if I'm buried under a well-grown tree with all the happy worms -that are now squished- beneath me. I push myself up, and as I [s]sc[/s]rub the dirt off my face, I find myself half buried in a shallow wooden coffin, with a tag, "Size L, only 96 Nochts", I say out loud, "What a cheap hell..."

I was thinking of looking around, before a rather familiar eeriee voice leads my eyes to where I'm supposed to look. (I'd maybe change 'where I'm supposed to look' as I wouldn't really say he is supposed to look there, perhaps commenting on the voice leading his eyes to a person or to focus on a point not far from where he is would be better) "You're awake," the voice says.
I notice the ground I've been 'playing around' on is in front of a terrace to a mansion. It's old but well-maintained, with some vines prowling over the cracked white-painted walls, but they're trimmed nicely, letting only the white lilies hang[s]ing[/s] [s]around[/s] down. I also see a chair and a table, with curv[s]e[/s]y (I don't really know what you mean by curvy- it doesn't give much imagery of the objects. I'd maybe describe them a bit more.) ornaments matching the surroundings, and there he is, sitting on one of them, the man with thick black armor. I'm not sure why he's still wearing the heavy helmet. Style, perhaps?

"Why...I thought you killed me?" I ask [s]straight on[/s] bluntly. I get up, and prepare[s]d[/s] myself in a fighting stance. My vision is still blurred every now and then, and I feel dizzy, but, getting stabbed again? No thanks.

The man's head faces me, -[s]which implies that[/s] but I just don't know where [s]he's[/s] his eyes are looking at behind those helm-, and stands. "The Princess will be here soon, so you better keep your manners," he says while walking down the small three steps to the same [s]ground[/s] level I'm on. The aura he gives out is just like before, with every step closer I feel death might split me in half the next time I blink. His cape falls lightly behind him, and [s]then[/s] there's a yellow hair pin tucked onto his left arm. I'm not sure why it's there, but it adds more to how I [s]think I should call[/s] can insult him.

"Wh-what do you want, you big, armored, hair pin stealer maniac!" I yell. I don't know why I'm still alive just to see the same person that killed me, but this makes me know my limit, (I'm not sure what you mean by this, is it a reference to how he knows how he lost before so can act differently? I'd try and make that clearer if so by rephrasing it abit.) and I don't want to lose exactly the same way as before until I do something about my weakness.

He stops, maybe because he's offended. Now he moves again, ready to bring me down barehanded. "Aaahhh ! I'm sorry !" (You don't need the spaces before the exclamation marks in this bit of speech.) I scream, but it's [s]was all[/s] too late. He holds my arm back with one hand, [s]lock[/s] knocks me down to the ground with his weight, and grabs my jaw as such that I can't even say "stop!" properly.

"Garrand," another voice suddenly stops the armored knight from killing me for the second time. It was [s]a[/s] the voice of a young girl, which reminds me of Aka but with a far more controlled tone. I look up after this man called Garrand lets go of me.

She's that girl that saw my head flying! She wears a dress that touches the floor, [s]of color[/s] purple [s]and[/s] with black on the bottom, and white on top. Her ruffled cuffs, gloves, and ribbons are clean white. She doesn't seem to wear any make up[s]s[/s] though, her face looks like she's tired, with half closed eyes but still her face is tilted slightly upwards, showing off her status [s]a[/s]loudly by looking down at what she sees. Her blond hair startles me the most, it has the most perfect [s]swirls[/s] curls -or whatever you call that kind of hair [s]is[/s]- (I'd maybe leave out that sentence as I think the rest would run smoother without it.) like the kind of hair you [s]thought[/s] think only dolls would have. Her appearance is stunning, but [s]for some reason[/s] I don't see any reason why a runt (I don't know if 'runt' is the right word to use here as you have just described her as beautiful, maybe just 'some girl' or something like that would fit better?) girl would walk around in Celes' mansion?

"Who are you? Where's Celes? I thought [s]I'm[/s] I was already dead, what did you do to me?" I ask rudely. I sense that someone is not able to accept my tone, and soon after, Garrand pinche[s]d[/s]s my jaws again. "Aaah! I'm sorry!" I cry for mercy.

The situation is clearly intense for me. I'm in the middle of a mission, and I'm also worried about my friends, but, this girl is laughing! I'm supposed to be dead, but here I am still breathing, wait...

"You are dead, little boy," the girl says lightly. "You died, and you still are dead now" I'm not sure who's 'little' here, but talking to her feels like I'm talking to a teacher. (He isn't actually speaking to her here, it's just her speaking to him so maybe instead something about being spoken to by her is like being told off by a teacher would make more sense.)

I'm dead, that means I can't grow any older [s]again[/s] (He hasn't had the chance to grow old before)? That means I don't breathe anymore like a normal person? NO...this can't be! I'm too young to die! There are so many things I want to achieve; ...like stuff... I look down, the white floor turns dark the way my eyes sees it, everything is. (It took me a moment to understand what you meant, I think you could rephrase this. Maybe saying something about the floor becoming dimmer then thinking his whole life would be dime from now on or something like that.) I am no longer alive.

"I want to establish an agreement with you, so please keep the dramatic reactions for another time" she says, breaking my contemplation before I resort to bending down and scream[s]s[/s]ing a super extended version of 'why--'. I want[s]ed[/s] to complain, but I guess I better be quiet so I don't offend Garrand the Sensitive Knight again. She sits down, pours tea in one of the cups, then [s]offers[/s] asks me to sit too, "what is your name?"

My clothes still [s]has[/s] have pieces of dirt that is constantly falling off of them. I sit, [s]felt[/s] feeling the cloth on the table like a gentleman (I didn't think gentlemen did this, maybe instead he is doing it with an air of superiority or he could place a napkin on his lap as that is a more gentlemanly thing to do?) before I answer proudly, "I'm Crueton". My name is pretty famous [s]among[/s] throughout the Kingdom, and I can tell from her face that she recognizes my name from somewhere.

"Crueton?" Her voice rises. A smile cracked on my face at seeing her reaction. "Tastes good with salad." I curse as loud (You can't really change the volume you curse at in your head as it has no sound, so maybe just saying he cursed angrily in his head or something that shows his feelings would be good instead) as I can in my head. Patience...

"I assume you are familiar with the war between the Government and the Kingdom, yes?" She asks, it's something very commonly spoken about so I just quickly nod. "Good. Do you know how this war influences the demons?" She asks again, something that I never consider in Panna's heating war. (This sentence confused me as I don't know what Panna's heating war is I'd maybe explain a bit more or change this comment to something else ) "The Government, aside from using their patriotic excuse to gain fame, also place[s]s[/s] bounties over those who they consider dangerous. The demons are one example. The weaker ones became humans prey just for the prize, while the stronger ones are forced to destroy the lands just to gain the peace they once had."

I'm never into these kind of talk, so I just blurt out my question from before, "so...who are you?"

"I'm the necromancer Celes, and you're my new reanimated corpse." She says, smiling.

All this time I thought Celes was an old looking guy type of demon, but he's actually this little girl? Sometimes I wonder where my assumptions lead[s]s[/s] me. "So...you just brought me back to life?" I ask.

"We have a common enemy, the Government. Our reasons may be different, and I'm not your ally nor the Kingdoms', but it's pointless if we keep le[s]e[/s]tting the Government divide us and conquer."

I wasn't listening. I couldn't care less about the war, the demons, and the rest. Celes' necromancy skills are top quality. The reason why Celes has fourteen million Nochts placed on her head [s]wa[/s]is because of her powerful reanimating revenants that once took over the Government's fort without much effort at all (You don't have to add this in I just thought the sentence might sound better with it ). I then ask to confirm, "am I stronger this way?"

Celes smiles again after hearing my question. "You are careless for a human. Most of the time humans run after I reanimate them from death, they [s]couldn't[/s] can't accept their fate and let their bodies rot after losing their mind."

"To be strong, then what I am or what I will be shall not matter." I say out loud. This is my only pride. Power is my religion, my faith. I remember when I started thinking this way. A long time ago, when...ah, fuck it. The past is not important if you already have lots of things to do in the present.

Celes and Garrand turn quiet for a while, maybe they're trying to understand me. Maybe dying that time was the right choice (I didn't really think it would be a choice, maybe the right thing to happen?), it's about time I start dealing with real action, real power!

"So what's the plan? Are we gonna scramble down the Government? What about the other demons? Are they going to be at war?" I ask her without trying to hide my excitement.

Celes, who [s]was[/s] had been smiling all this time, now look[s]ed[/s]s a bit disappointed, and then sighs, "I'm not interested with the war between the demons and the Government, yet."

I can't help but say, "huh?"

"We're [s]quiet[/s] quite low on stock." Garrand takes over the conversation. (Even though he is carrying on the conversation, as he is a new speaker I'd still move the speech onto a new line.) "[s]w[/s]We haven't been able to buy anything from town since the bounty on the Princess' head, they're always scared if we appear in the market."

I slap my face slowly (This sounded to me like a bit of an odd action, maybe shaking his head slowly or covering his face in his hands would be more appropriate.) when I see Garrand giving me a shopping basket (I wouldn't think he would give him a shopping basket as you usually get them in ths shops- maybe a shopping list?). So this is how it's gonna be...

Overall: Like I said I did find this piece funny and actually really like Crueton as a character! The zombie idea took me a bit by surprise at first but I think you introduced the concept nicely so well done there I'm sorry that there are quite a lot of comments, they are mostly just my thoughts though so ignore them if you like

I did think though that the setting was a bit confusing, there were a few descriptions of the surroundings but I didn't get much of a specific image of what it looked like and it made it kind of hard to picture where he was. I thought you did well in giving a brief overview of the scene at first but maybe by extending on certain parts later such as the table and chairs it would make the sceen easer for the reader to imagine? I thought you did describe the two characters Crueton is talking to well but for Crueton himself I didn't get much of a sense of what he looked like. If he has been dead for a while, maybe he would inspect himself a bit more? I didn't know whether to picture him half rotting or just as a normal person- maybe some details there would be good

I noticed that you used 'say' quite a bit where I think a better word could be used instead to better describe how they are talking and their feelings so I'd maybe try and replace a few or add to them, I did think in general that you managed to show how the characters felt quite well though. The only place that I think could do with some more would be surrounding Crueton's fear of the knight and fear and confusion in general at what is going on. Perhaps by showing more of his panicky thoughts or physical reactions it would get across more clearly how he feels.

As before I did make quite a few comments on grammar, I noticed that on a few words you forgot to add the 's' on the end so I'd watch out for that I'm enjoying your story so far though, all my comments are just suggestions as always and I hope I've helped!

Basket here once again.

Battle; it's the only joy I have while living, which also brought myself to join the Kingdom's force.

I open my eyes, just to see the same darkness.

Nix "just".

This must be Hell, just the thought chills my spine.

before a rather familiar eeriee voice leads my eyes to where

eerie.

reactions for other time" she says, breaking my

She asks. It's something very common so I just quickly nod.

"I'm the necromancer Celes, and you're my new reanimated corpse." She says, smiling.

Okay, I'm so confused...
I think you need more description in all three chapters you have up and maybe stop jumping around so much, going to different POVs.
Its so very confusing.

I feel I cannot give a satisfactory review for you... I'm sorry.
I have no idea what's going on...
I'm very sorry.
-Basket-