Night Walker

Night Walker

                     stairs                      and
                the                                   let
            up                                            your
       ger          If you do it just right               self
Stag                     it won't hurt.                          fall.
                         Or maybe it will
                       but it'll be worth it.

                                 So
                                fall.

Did you believe that?
Did it hurt?
Did they come?

Of course they didn't.
You didn't do it right.
You're not supposed
to catch yourself.

Go back up the stairs,
look down -
see the bottom?
The wall:
concrete,
with paint
and blood
splattered together,
mixed together.

See the steps?
The jutted edges,
the wood sticking up:
a spike
coated in holy water
just waiting
for you,
the night
walking creature.

Do it right this time -
no closing your eyes.
Focus now.
Step forward;
       a little too far.

Count the steps.
(1 2 3 4)
There -
that's better.
Keep your arms loose.
(5 6 7 8 9)
Now don't cry.
Just wait;
they're almost here.
(10 11 12 13)

.
.
.

Did they come?
No?
Of course not.
Why would they,
for the night
walking creature?

Climb back up,
but this time,
go down the hall,
listen to your bare feet
pitter-patter on the floor,
faltering
from your fall.

Satin envelops your feet,
swallows them whole.
The fabric
teases you,
treading beneath your steps.
Dangerous, yes.
But when
you lift your foot
the satin falls softly,
holding you in its arms
on your way to bed.

You clutch your Bear.
Your fingers -
just a little bigger than his -
grab at his arm,
sink into his fur,
so soft,
so deep.
It circles around your fingers
in a hug.

You make it back.
They're still asleep.

Open your door slowly -
don't let it squeak.
Crawl into bed.

When you wake
you'll cry.
Just like you do
every
other
morning.

i really, really liked this poem.

splattered together,
mixed together.

i though that line was really well done with the repetition.

i love the way it flows throughout, it's one of those poems that would sound great read aloud:)
I also like the reference to religion - with the holy water it adds a symbolic element to the poem.
great:D

I really don't think this is too great of a poem.

To be honest, it feels like two or three different poems that have been spliced together roughly. Some stanza's don't even feel like they should be there and other parts to me don't fit at all.

My advice is, find what you're really trying to say, and try to get that across as best you can.

The asking of questions in the beginning and towards the end, doesn't work for me at all.

I have to disagree with AquaMarine27, I don't see anything about religion in this poem, but I think the reference to Holy Water on a stake would be a reference to a Vampire, considering the poem is, Night Walker, this idea seems to fit. So, going back to this theme, I don't see how half of the things written apply. There's just too much in it, needs editing.

Don't get me wrong some of the stanza's are really, really good. Also, this thing is so long and feels so jumbled that I'm turned off by it, I don't even feel like going through and quoting because it's just very, very scrambled-feeling.

Go back, edit, it has the potential to be one great poem, or two great poems if split up correctly..

Absolutely brilliant!

The first stanza with the steps of words leading into the stanza was well placed and accurately estimated. The flow of the poem was stunning all the same, the concept flowing in through each stanza.

Although this poem is fairly freebased in it's use of stanza lines and such, it was by far one of my favourites. It flowed so well and made me think about the story in which you were explaining and did so without any issues.

Dynamic and expressionate. You have talent!

~The.Dreamwalker

Sorry for such a rough review. I know it wasn't much worth your time since I'm not much of a reviewer when it comes to such style in poetry, but brilliant all the same and I just wanted to get it out there!

Thanks guys!

Cross: I definitely want to consider your critique, but I'm not sure where you see the problems. Could you be a little more specific so I can look into it?

~JFW1415

stairs and

the let

up your

ger If you do it just right self

Stag it won't hurt. fall.

Or maybe it will

but it'll be worth it.



So

fall.

I really like this :] I've always been appreciative of when people make pictures with their words, Just the way you did it is really cool. And the concept - stairs - and how you're telling the reader to fall is very suspenseful. Why do you want them to fall? What's going to happen?

Did you believe that?

Did it hurt?

Did they come?

I love the suspense, I do.

Of course they didn't.

You didn't do it right.

You're not supposed

to catch yourself.

The last line, "catch yourself." God, I hate how I'm just praising you. But anyway, I like how you predicted that somebody would catch themselves after you told them to fall. It sort of caught me off guard, like it probably would all readers a little bit, because that's what they all would do. And they all wouldn't do it right. Hmmm, why? And I really hope I don't sound like a total idiot, "Oh, it's so cool, I would catch myself, hahahahah."

Go back up the stairs,

look down -

see the bottom?

The wall:

concrete,

with paint

and blood

splattered together,

mixed together.

If they're looking down, wouldn't they see the floor rather than the stairs?

See the steps?

The jutted edges,

the wood sticking up:

a spike

coated in holy water

just waiting

for you,

the night

walking creature.

In the beginning of the poem, you make it sound like you're talking to a little boy or girl. And I italicized that because you used a colon for the second time within two stanzas. And it was a bit much. And "wood sticking up" implies that the wood is plural, rather than one individual spike. So it's not "a piece of wood?" (Although I'm sure you can think of something way more creative than that). I'm excited about the night walking creature, I must say.

Do it right this time -

no closing your eyes.

Focus now.

Step forward;

a little too far.

Why the semi-colon? And although this poem is very well written, I don't understand why the creature is being your puppet and listening to everything you say. And what did it do to deserve this fate in the first place? Eh, I'll read on.

Count the steps.

(1 2 3 4)

There -

that's better.

Keep your arms loose.

(5 6 7 8 9)

Now don't cry.

Just wait;

they're almost here.

(10 11 12 13)

I don't understand who you're referring to in the second to last line. But I suppose that's the mystery that makes the poem so appealing. Again, talking to the creature like it's a small child. I can only wonder why.

Did they come?

No?

Of course not.

Why would they,

for the night

walking creature?

Ahh, who are you referring to? And I just love the separate line for "the night walking creature." I don't know why, I just love that pause.

Climb back up,

but this time,

go down the hall,

listen to your bare feet

pitter-patter on the floor,

faltering

from your fall.

So he fell again? And "they" didn't come? And pitter-patter does give appropriate imagery. I like how you also describe his movement indirectly, "faltering from your fall."

Satin envelops your feet,

swallows them whole.

Are you talking about the rug? Because then it wouldn't be enveloping his feet.

The fabric

teases you,

treading beneath your steps.

I don't like your personification here, the fabric teasing him, because it's showing you're trying a little too hard. "Treading beneath your steps" I like, but the satin fabric teasing the night walking creature? I don't think so.

Dangerous, yes.

But when

you lift your foot

the satin falls softly,

holding you in its arms

on your way to bed.

So is the satin a blanket, a rug, is he holding a pile of satin, or what? And I don't understand why it's dangerous, but who am I to question? And the personification here, "holding you in its arms," I like. Although I... don't get it.

You clutch your Bear.

Your fingers -

just a little bigger than his -

...
Haha, I got it. You're clever, did you know that?

grab at his arm,

sink into his fur,

so soft,

so deep.

It circles around your fingers

in a hug.

Cute :]

You make it back.

They're still asleep.

****ing clever.
I want to use profanity for intensity, but I don't know if I'm allowed to.
Why did you want to make the little kiddie fall?! That's so mean!

Open your door slowly -

don't let it squeak.

Crawl into bed.

I just love this second person view.

When you wake

you'll cry.

Just like you do

every

other

morning.

I don't fully understand the ending, but dude, were you supposed to know it was a little kid all along (or maybe I'm wrong and it is some monster or whatever), or were you supposed to figure it out towards the end? Crap, now half of what I said just makes me look like a weirdo. So I take it the child is small, therefore the crying. I don't know, honestly. I've never been good at interpreting poems.

And I liked this, I did. I think you know why, because I commented through out the poem, but I liked the metaphors, and I liked the suspense. I just don't get why you wanted him to fall down the stairs. And why he just went back up. What was he trying to accomplish?

Any questions, comments or cries of outrage, just PM me Nice job!

haha, I guess I don't make myself very clear. =] It's a little kid who sleep walks. Her (or his, I guess) parents are 'they'. He subconsciously is trying to get their attention by falling down the stairs but they don't come. In the morning he'll cry from a) pain and b) the fact that they didn't come.

I'll work on making this show through more, lol.

~JFW1415

I thought this was very good and well put together (though a little long, that's not a bad thing)
What I don't like is the fact that i really, even after reading the poem through twice, have little idea what it's about. I get that it's a little....Girl? Looking for attention? Why is she falling down the steps? You make it sound like she wants attention but also like she's crazy and you dont explain yourself very well.

Other than this you've got a really great peice of poetry. Good job!

I love how you formatted the words at the beginning to look like stairs! Also, the slow progression of describing the character. It is very difficult to write in second person I think, but you did it pretty well here. "the wood sticking up:" - this seems a little...casual? I would perhaps describe this part of the stairs as the lips...maybe they're curled up, sneering. Up to you, that's what I would write if it were my poem. ^_^ I like the short lines, especially "every other morning" at the end, I think it lends to the atmosphere somewhat. A good, if a little creepy, poem.