Daddy?

I thought as it was fathers day tomorrow this was quite fitting.

Daddy?

You never came.
Full of broken promises from the start
No, before even.
Did you think that some money and a hello kitty clock would make it up?
Maybe if the clock reversed time.
But not for me or not for you.
Our time never came, you missed it.
You wrote me once
“Love Dad...I want to earn that”
But surprise!
You never did.


When I was a little girl I use to dream about being daddies little girl
I always wondered what that would feel like
When I was older, I thought it might come true.
And when I was older still
I realised that dreams were meant for little girls
Not grownups.

Maybe the test wasn’t fair
I shouldn’t have given you multiple choice
But after seventeen years of getting it wrong
I thought you might make the right choice
Just once.
How blind sighted I was.
Another cheap tart!
Just how you like them
I should know!

‘Daddy’ never meant anything to me growing up
And it means even less now.
Just a little accident, oops!
One that doesn’t go away though,
No matter how many erasers you use,
How much tipex
You can hit ‘delete’ as much as you like
I am here to stay.

I scrawled ‘CUNT’
But you are not that
Cunts give pleasure
You do nothing of the sort!
But not pain, no not that.
Nothing, no real feeling
I can’t hate you, I never loved you.
You are so bland, tasteless.
The curry I forgot to add the chillies to.
Certainly not a daddy, you need to earn that.
Sperm donor? Yes.
That’s more like it!

You never came.

Full of broken promises from the start

No, before even.

Did you think that some money and a hello kitty clock would make it up?

Maybe if the clock reversed time.

But not for me or not for you.

Our time never came, you missed it.

You wrote me once

“Love Dad...I want to earn that”

But surprise!

You never did.

You set your tone immediately, which is a good thing, but I don’t feel your opening has truly captured an audience.

After the line “But not for me or not for you.” I would replace the period with a comma since it is only a fragment.

When I was a little girl I use to dream about being daddies little girl

I always wondered what that would feel like

When I was older, I thought it might come true.

And when I was older still

I realised that dreams were meant for little girls

Not grownups.

In the first line, ‘use’ should be ‘used’.

This stanza is a lot better than the first in my opinion. It has more of a snap to it; I think this comes from the third and fourth lines.

Maybe the test wasn’t fair

I shouldn’t have given you multiple choice

But after seventeen years of getting it wrong

I thought you might make the right choice

Just once.

How blind sighted I was.

Another cheap tart!

Just how you like them

I should know!

I like where you were going with this stanza, about the test and multiple choice. I do not think it was wise to start off immediately with the test, maybe a line before working up to it?

‘Daddy’ never meant anything to me growing up

And it means even less now.

Just a little accident, oops!

One that doesn’t go away though,

No matter how many erasers you use,

How much tipex

You can hit ‘delete’ as much as you like

I am here to stay.

This is my favorite stanza, hands down. You really get this bitter feeling from it. The third line, I think you could do without, but the last four are great.

I scrawled ‘CUNT’

But you are not that

Cunts give pleasure

You do nothing of the sort!

But not pain, no not that.

Nothing, no real feeling

I can’t hate you, I never loved you.

You are so bland, tasteless.

The curry I forgot to add the chillies to.

Certainly not a daddy, you need to earn that.

Sperm donor? Yes.

That’s more like it!

Again, you have the issue with starting off with an idea in the beginning, and it doesn’t work with bluntness for me. Also, I see where you’re going with the first four lines, but I don’t feel like this is the metaphor you should use.

“Cunts give pleasure
You do nothing of the sort.”

I do not like this, at all really. What you are saying is that your father does not give you pleasure, and I think we have already established this fact enough in the poem. If you were looking for a very abrupt way to put forward the bitterness expressed in this poem, I would go about it a different way. The pleasure you speak of and then relating it to your father makes the poem more sinister and grotesque in my opinion.

Maybe split this stanza into two? I don’t think it works on its own. The “I can’t hate you, I never knew you” is a really good line. It so contrasts with the anger in this poem, I like the effect.
All in all, I think it needs a lot of work, but still, the idea is good and one that quite a few people can relate to.

Some of the poem does feel a little just...blah, like you're talking, but not in the poetic flow way. Plus, I think that this could probably fit into Dramatic Poetry.

Thanks for the review.

The bit about scrawling, was actual. I keyed it in his car one night...Stupid, silly immature bad move, which I don't advise to anyone! Lol. I Used it as a metaphore because it seemed to fit in with the theme...maybe pleasure is the wrong word though, I guess it all depends in what context its read.

I guess its more a stream of consciousness than a poem though, but I didn't think it would fit into prose anywhere. If it needs moved I'll move it

Star xx

I like this poem. I can relate with you on this to an extent. Oh well I don't think I can tell you how to improve better than the person above, so I will leave it at that.

-Flower-

Hey!


I really enjoyed your poem. No, it didn't rhyme, but who cares, it was still a great poem. I can relate to you to a certain extent. You did an excellent job putting your feeling onto paper.I think that wether It's good feelings or bad feelings, It calls for a good peom!

Good job writing, keep it up!!

~Hailey, <3

Hello.

I've first got to say that from the title of the poem and the rating, I thought this was another poem about rape so I avoided it for a little while. But I finally clicked on the link and I was kind of relieved, well until the end. It was a good poem though, don't get me wrong. I liked it.

I especially liked this stanza:

‘Daddy’ never meant anything to me growing up

And it means even less now.

Just a little accident, oops!

One that doesn’t go away though,

No matter how many erasers you use,

How much tipex

You can hit ‘delete’ as much as you like

I am here to stay.

I think you really hit the nail on the head with this one. The feeling and the anger is clearly shown here in a very metaphoric way.

Nitpicks:

When I was a little girl I use to dream about being daddies little girl

It actually is supposed to be "daddy's little girl" because there's only one daddy and the apostrophe shows the possessive form.

“Love Dad...I want to earn that”

There should be a space after the '...'.


The ending was a bit alarming. Yes, I know though that you said this in your description but I can't say that I enjoyed it, or in fact, was ready for it either. I don't think that the last stanza was actually even necessary. If you had just omitted this part, the poem would have had a very nice, powerful ending.

But anyway, good job overall. The emotion is there and feels very real.

-- Miss Ching