Maybe the Sun Will Set Tomorrow

I wrote the first few lines by impulse before realizing how ironic it was.

Maybe the sun will set tomorrow
And bring some darkness to this light
My eyes now burn from the ashes,
And my lungs still beg for dusk.

How I wish the day were over,
To come completely to an end.
A brief pause, even,
To let my blistered body mend.

Why do children wish for morning?
Why do they want the sun?
The heat is overwhelming,
But the day’s already begun.

Only shade shall end the fire,
The blazing bruise of soul.
It will salvage the last remains
That the raging inferno stole.

My family now live as ashes,
As vestiges in the sand.
Maybe the sun will set tomorrow,
On destiny Heaven has planned.

First things first; I'm not all that sure what that was about. That doesn't hinder some form of appreciation of a poem though so my reviews not going to be drastically affected by this. It was a good enough poem, the sort of description I like and have kind of grown accustomed to (too much Anne Rice). The blazing bruise of soul bit for example, very descriptive. It seemed balenced and yeah, just good

That is fantastic. I really love the contrast. and the part about children wishing for morning... Great! I love the words you chose to express yourself here. It's amazing. Try to do more pieces like this and try new topics with the same setup. When you do that PM me and let me know, becaise i want to read them. Your work is really nice. I can't wait.

Hey Shina! I'm here to review your poem, 'kay?

So, stanza to stanza!

Maybe the sun will set tomorrow
And bring some darkness to this light
My eyes now burn from the ashes,
And my lungs still beg for dusk.

-First off, I have no idea why you pt this all in italics. I really don't. Maybe it's just my blindness, but so be it.
-As you mentioned, really ironic. But I think it flows ok, in this.
-Now, some punctuation and capitalizing corrections! <--- Yup, I'm a grammar freak --'
-The first line needs a comma after tomorrow, so that when you read it you make a small pause, and adds something to it.
-None of the ands need to be capitalized. They're like a continuation of the above line, not another one. A hifen would work after light, I think.
-I have a question about the third line: what ashes? Where did the ashes came from? Ashes of what? of a soul' Of a heartbrake? Of a fire?
-Oh, the last line is so classy. Fits so well, at my sight

How I wish the day were over,
And come completely to an end.
A brief pause, even,
To let my blistered body mend.

-The tense, on the first line, is wrond, dear. The day is the third person of the singular, so the tense should be was, not were.
-The first line sounds so dramatic that I love it! I think it should go like this: How I wish the day was over!, with the exclamation mark.
-The and does not need to be capitalized.
- The last two lines flow well

Why do children wish for morning?
Why do they want the sun?
The heat is overwhelming,
But the day’s already begun.

- The only comment I cna offer here, is to the last two lines. So, in the stanza above you were wishing the day could end, but now another has already begun. What happened that night? Between the sunset and the sunrise? please, be more clear and descriptive. This has really good potential.

Only shade shall end the fire,
The blazing bruise of soul.
It will salvage the last remains
That the raging inferno stole.

- As a comment for the first line: how about the water? Can't it end the fire too? xD
- So many imagery and! Oh, so delightful The second line shouldn't be capitlized.
- That doesn't need to be capitalized.
- This stazna is really nice, but I can't realate it to the aboves.

My family now live as ashes,
As vestiges in the sand.
Maybe the sun will set tomorrow,
On destiny Heaven has planned.

- The second line doesn't need any capitalization. Also, a semi-colon would work better than a period.
- On destiny Heaven has planned. - This soudns awkward. I think the on should be replaced by something like "as the destiny Heaven has planned." or something.

Overall: I trully enjoied it, but the message wasn't so clear to me. i could get somethhings out of this, not much, but something. that should be reinforced
Overall, it was a pleasant read.

Questions? Pm me.
*Kat*

Aloha Shina! Juniper here!

So, it's been a little while since I have reviewed anything of yours. I think this poem has lots of potential, but I don't feel like it's your best. Let's have a look:

Maybe the sun will set tomorrow

And bring some darkness to this light

My eyes now burn from the ashes,

And my lungs still beg for dusk.

Reading this, I find it kind of strange. Normally ashes and anything non happy are generally attributed to night/darkness and the likes, but! You say maybe the sun will set tomorrow.

I feel as if this first stanza should be clarified, dear. I think that you can easily "clean this up" and make this little part have a meaning.

Do you remember what I told you about querying-- agents ask for the two first pages, because the first pages make first impressions?

The same goes for poetry. The first stanzas make the first impressions, and you want your opening stanzas to pull your audience in, not push them away, dearie.

How I wish the day were over,

And come completely to an end.

A brief pause, even,

To let my blistered body mend.

It's kind of hard when you look at each individual stanza to find what you were trying to achieve. It looks like the perfect ground for rhyme, and you do use some of that. The most important thing for poetry is meaning, dear. Not rhyme.

So! Here, your first two lines are... grammatically incorrect. You say "How I wish the day were over and come completely to an end."

Read that line aloud! You'll see what I mean. Reconstruct it, dear. I know you can.

Why do children wish for morning?

Why do they want the sun?

The heat is overwhelming,

But the day’s already begun.

Here, I strongly feel that the last line does not suit the stanza at all. I'm not so fond of raising questions in the middle of a poem when there's not much surrounding ground to base the question on -- for now, I feel that this poem is struggling, rather than prospering.

Only shade shall end the fire,

The blazing bruise of soul.

It will salvage the last remains

That the raging inferno stole.

So! This stanza does not effectively close your poem! I think that you really need to give us a more in the body of your poem. At first, we're hearing things about how things should be dark, and now you're insulting... the light? I'm not too clear on what you're targeting.


I think that we need more reasons to understand why children should not wish for light. I don't think that you're quite getting the intended message across, because the only message I can easily decipher from this is that darkness is better than light.

Maybe I'm just shallow?


At any rate, nice job on the rhyme scheme, dear. Keep it up!

(oh, and gold star )

June

Hey there!

First impressions: I'm dead confused. You said the first few lines were ironic, so what does that mean? That they don't have a consistent message? Are they deliberately ironic? What the 'ashes' doing there? Where did they come from? What's their significance? Either way, they need fixing. It would also help to drop the italics; it just seems like a superficial gimmick to attract attention and gets in the way of your actual writing. Only resort to italics and other fun stuff when you're using them to make a real point. Look at the work of e.e. cummings, for example.

Note to *writewatiwant*: In the second stanza, Shina is using the subjunctive. Technically, this is correct grammar, so she is right, but I see your point too. The subjunctive has gradually lost prominence in everyday speech; it now only tends to be found in formal and legal speak. Hence, if you want to sound dusty and academic, by all means use it! Here, I'm not quite so sure.

'Mend' in this context is a reflexive verb. To be grammatically correct, you would need to say 'let my... body mend itself.' Obviously, this doesn't fit with the rhyme scheme, so rework this stanza or choose a different rhyme.

The ending lacks oomph. In fact, much of this lacks oomph. This piece is crying out for a decent structure, a clear message and some great images. Build the poem around a central, unifying idea, the 'ashes' maybe, if you're having trouble with this. Focus on what your motivation to write this poem is and what you're trying to say to your readers. Remember to take the audience on a journey, and an emotional journey, at that.

Hope this helps!

Gahks