a french romance

okay so i created a couple of chapters for this "book" and i have a name, that i wont reveal, until i know its correct for the story.
so here's chapter one. its short, and it needs a ton of editing, but tell me what you think!!
p.s. i hope no one takes the negativity towards the south too hard. im from south carolina, columbia, coincidently, and i wanted Colette, to dislike it. it is not my views, so please dont be angry.
THANKS:)


Rock Bottom.
Chapter one.
My heart hit rock bottom. This wasn’t how I expected my first day to be. No not at all. I expected my first day to be easy, no talking to the old country people, no school, and especially no job hunting. This was stupid. I cursed myself for choosing South Carolina with Mom, rather than staying in Paris with dad. But I didn’t like big cities, that’s why mom and I moved away from there after the divorce.
I crossed the street wishing I could tell her what I felt, but I couldn’t. This was her dream to live in a quiet place. Ha quiet? Columbia, South Carolina was filled with loud country people, thousands of them. And it was quite different then I imagined.
We had gotten here yesterday; we drove here in our beat up van. It was packed with our shit, things we didn’t need. Of course though according to mom, they were essentials for us to keep for our new house. I had already unpacked my bags, all two of them, fixed my bedroom, and emailed dad telling him how awesome my new life would be. Better keep him thinking everything is fine. I thought; even though everything felt like it was falling apart. As we drove into our neighborhood, I could already smell the disgust, through the car. And this is where hell starts, at least my personal hell. I thought.
My thoughts switched to present day as I entered the restaurant. I just wanted to get this over with. It was horrendous. I can only take so much of these people. God forbid I ever talk like one of them. I looked for the host stand, and found it after pushing through three sets of families in line. They can wait. I thought.
“I am looking for a job.” I said, my thick original French accent shining through.
“Excuse me? What are ya lookin for darling?” This rather large southern girl from the corner answered me. It took me by surprise. For such a large person she had one of the highest voiced I had ever heard.
“A JOB!” I tried to pronounce myself as clear as possible; I guess I forgot that people can’t really understand me sometimes. I can’t stand it when I have to restate what I said, three times. It’s just ridiculous. And this lady was no different, with her buck teeth, slanted smile, and mullet; she looked to me as if I was asking where I can buy a gun.
“Ooooh. Honey, let me get Patricia for ya, I’m Becky by the way.” Her buck-teeth slipped through her smile, I showed her my best forced smile. This was absurd; such a person should not be so informal at a dining place. I knew what to expect in France, what kind of service, and what kind of people. But in SC, even America, it was different. People were very informal here, very unlike France.
“Oh… uhm well okay. I’m Colette Rousseau. Hello. So who is Patricia?”
“Oh. Her? She’s the owner of this Cracker Barrel.”
“Cracker Barrel?”
Becky gave me a soft punch on the shoulder, another American gesture I assume. They never taught me in English class, where that was customary or not.
“This is restaurant is named Cracker Barrel. Jeez honey, you’re just off the plane aren’t you?
“Car actually. But yes.”
“Oh well you will just love our little small town. Okay right this way. Let me go get her for ya.”
Becky left me at that, and slipped through the double doors marked EMPLOYEES. I had been waiting there for three minutes when a young man, about 17, walked through the doors. He was laughing at something, and immediately stopped when he found me. He took a look at me. He saw my skinny blue jeans, my white tee-shirt, and my high heels, and continued to smile; he gazed at my hair, which was a mess, as usual. And his smile became even bigger.
It was odd, just sitting there and looking at each other; because while he was staring at me I inspected him. He wore white khaki pants, a light blue tee-shirt that said CRACKER BARREL that complimented his deep blue eyes and his brown hair that happened to match mine. He was cute, really cute. And he had a smile I could never forget. And then he spoke. He looked incredibly nervous when he talked. Did I have that effect on him? I thought to myself.
“Hi. Do you need something?” He had a southern accent, but it wasn’t as country compared to the others I had met here. And I already liked him just based on that.
“Hi. Uhm, This lady… I think her name is Becky..? Well she went to go find Patricia for me. I’m looking for a job here. By the way I’m Colette.” I tried hard not to stare at his eyes, yet I did and it felt as if I was being mesmerized by them. I had to think BREATHE; a couple of times, to remember that I needed air. I just had a hard time keeping focus when I was talking to him.
“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to be rude there. You’re looking for a job? That’s cool, we need more workers. I like you name, very original, you won’t hear another name like that around here. Now I’m going to take a wild guess based on your accent and say your French..? And that you JUST moved here. Am I correct?”
“Oh yes, I am. Is it that noticeable?”
“HA, no. I just happened to be extremely perceptive.”
His sarcasm lightened up the mood. It felt good meet someone that was my age, and nice here. I had been worried I wouldn’t meet anyone I would like, but this mysterious man cleared away all of my worried thoughts.
“And you are?”
“Will. A pleasure it is to meet you Mademoiselle Colette.”
“And you speak French?”
“Yes. And with that said I should go, I have to work to do.” He bent down and pecked my hand, like a true gentlemen, and turned to walk out of the restaurant. But before he left he turned towards me.
“J'espère vous voir bientôt, Colette. Jusque-là. I hope to see you soon, Colette. Until then.” He smiled at my astonished face as he left. I could feel my pink cheeks. I smiled, knowing I just made a friend; a really cute friend.
As Will left, Becky came through the doors with an older lady, who I assumed to be Patricia. They both smiled warmly to me. And without me having to say a word, Becky introduced me to Patricia, who automatically told me that I could be a waitress here if I wanted to.
“I would love to, when do I start?” Patricia was glad that I had said yes she started yapping about training and putting me on the schedule.
“We need to train you, Will could do that, have you met Will yet?” My heart leapt, I was actually excited, I got to train with him, and work with him? Wow! My Karma level must have been high.
“Uhm...Yes I have. That sounds awesome! When should I come back?” I was praying that she would say tomorrow, I didn’t have anything planned, and I wanted to see him again.
“Great!! Well tomorrow’s Saturday, so come at 1 pm, if that’s okay. And after that we can put you on the schedule.”
“Sounds perfect, I will be here!”
I walked out of Cracker Barrel knowing tomorrow would be great. I was excited to go home and tell mom. She would be thrilled, because I had met a guy, and I had gotten a job. I crossed the street, and made it to my car, where I started to make it home thinking: South Carolina, je commence à pareil vous, I ‘m starting to like you.

So, crazyforyou, I like your idea so far. Even though it wasn't exciting and/or gory (two of my favorite things), it still kept my attention. You were good at portraying Colette's emotions so clearly... for example, the way that she hated the south and everybody's southern accents, and the way that she looked like she was about to swoon in front of Will.
No offense, but you were right, you need a bit of help with grammar... first of all, just be careful to captalize 'Mom' and 'Dad' whenever you're using their names as a proper noun; you forgot that a few times.
Okay. There were some places where you needed commas, but didn't have them. Take these two sentences, for example:

No not at all.

Ha quiet?

In the first example, you should have had a comma after the 'no,' just to kind of separate it from the rest of the sentence, since it could kind of be a thought all on its own. The same thing after the word 'ha.'
There was also this part:

This was her dream to live in a quiet place.

You should either add a comma or a colon after the word 'dream,' so that it kind of says 'this is her dream.' Does that make sense? If you had a comma, it would make it flow a little better, but if you used a colon, it would state it solemnly, like 'it is her dream to live in a quiet place.'
Okay. Here:

I crossed the street wishing I could tell her what I felt, but I couldn’t.

You should have a comma in there, after the word 'street.' I'm pretty sure that this is because if you changed one or two words in there, you could actually make it a separate sentence, so you have to use a comma to separate it a bit. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but...
Then there was that thing with semicolons... sometimes you used them right, sometimes you used them in the wrong places, sometimes you should have had one but didn't. For example, here:

But I didn’t like big cities, that’s why mom and I moved away from there after the divorce.

Here, you should have had a semicolon there instead of a comma. You're kind of offering an explanation there, and it relates enough to the first part of the sentence that it could be part of the sentence, but it isn't exactly on the same train of thought... sorry. I'm not very good at explaining this. Then there was this part here:

Better keep him thinking everything is fine. I thought; even though everything felt like it was falling apart.

Since you're actually saying her exact thoughts here, you might want to italicize or put quotes around them, and you don't need that semicolon or period in there; just commas. It should probably look something like, Better to keep him thinking everything is fine, I thought, even though everything felt like it was falling apart.
You did that another few times in the story, as well. Then here:

“I am looking for a job.” I said, my thick original French accent shining through.

You don't need that period in there. You just have to put a comma there, so it would be like, "I am looking for a job," I said, my thick original French accent shining through.
Here:

“Excuse me? What are ya lookin for darling?” This rather large southern girl from the corner answered me.

There are two things that I notice about this part, although one of them may not be correct. First of all, you should have a comma before 'darling,' just to add a breathing space; I'm sure about that. Then, when you capitalized the word 'this' when you had her stop talking... it depends on how you were trying to do that. If you were trying to just put the words there to describe Becky after she finished speaking, it was fine. But if you were going straight from the speaking to describing who and how the person answered, you would keep the 'this' lowercased. Um... I'm so sorry, I'm not good at explaining. But with it lowercased, it would look like, "Excuse me? What are ya looking for, darling?" this rather large southern girl from the corner answered me.
There was this part, too:

They never taught me in English class, where that was customary or not.

You probably meant to say 'whether' there. Anyway, you should probably switch up the sentence structure a little bit, so that it's like, 'They never taught me whether that was customary or not in English class.' You wouldn't even need a comma in there.
Here:

“Car actually. But yes.”

You should have a comma there, right after the word 'car.'
Here:

I had been waiting there for three minutes when a young man, about 17, walked through the doors.

You should really have the word 'seventeen' there, instead of just the numerals.
Then, right here:

He saw my skinny blue jeans, my white tee-shirt, and my high heels, and continued to smile; he gazed at my hair, which was a mess, as usual. And his smile became even bigger.

There was nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence. I really liked this part, actually . The only thing is, I think that you might make the descriptions flow better if you got rid of that period that I underlined and put a comma there. Just a suggestion.
Then... here:

“Hi. Uhm, This lady… I think her name is Becky..?

No capital 't' there, on 'this.'
Then there was this mistake that you made occasionally. If you're saying something to someone, and then you say that person's name, you should add a comma before their name. For example:

By the way, I’m Colette.”

“Will. A pleasure it is to meet you, Mademoiselle Colette.”

See how I added those commas in there? You didn't do this all of the time, though; just sometimes.
I know that there was some stuff in there that I missed, but other people will probably comment on that. I really liked your writing overall. There was just that grammar stuff in there. You might want to ask an English teacher about that, since I'm very bad with explanations... Anyways, I think that if you edit this up a little bit, it could make a wonderful story. Shoot me a PM when you post the next part up. Keep writing!

Becky left me at that, and slipped through the double doors marked EMPLOYEES. I had been waiting there for three minutes when a young man, about 17, walked through the doors. He was laughing at something, and immediately stopped when he found me. He took a look at me. He saw my skinny blue jeans, my white tee-shirt, and my high heels, and continued to smile; he gazed at my hair, which was a mess, as usual. And his smile became even bigger.

It was odd, just sitting there and looking at each other; because while he was staring at me I inspected him. He wore white khaki pants, a light blue tee-shirt that said CRACKER BARREL that complimented his deep blue eyes and his brown hair that happened to match mine. He was cute, really cute. And he had a smile I could never forget. And then he spoke. He looked incredibly nervous when he talked. Did I have that effect on him? I thought to myself.

Laundry list of description. Try to separate things out a bit more, disperse them through the story more subtle/discreetly.

Work on punctuation and general grammatical stuff, as the above person has pointed out already.

It's a good, Sarah Dessen-like start for now, so keep going. I'm interested in the complete end product.

Hi! I liked this piece.

It definitely looks interesting. I'm looking forward for the other chapters.

I was so engrossed in reading that i couldn't pick up minor mistakes.

Nice work.

Keep writing!

thank you SO much. I feel that this will help me very much so. When I'm done editing I will re-post this, along with chapter two. I really appreciate all that you have said and will look back on all of this when I am editing. Thanks a ton..

Exellent beggining so far.
I really liked it
You are a realy good writer.

So are you new here>
Iam
I think i started like the day before yesterday
so is it alright if you can like kinda help me through this website

Thanks
And again
Great story!!!

Hello there! This is a really good start to a story. Will seems very handsome and intellegint. I would say to be a bit more descriptive. Maybe talk about how he walked or how his voice sounded and then maybe the way her heart lept when he talked. I know that sounds cheesy when I say it, but when you put it into you're story, it'll sound beautiful. I would also say, maybe make it a little more intimate. Not inapproprietly, but maybe make him kiss her on the cheek instead. That way it's a tad more intense and romantic.

Please, PLEASE PM me when more comes out! I love this story so far!

Sparkle

thank you so much i'm going to edit this as soon as possible and along with it i will submit chapter two, which is already done. your words are well appreciated thanks )