Which path to take?

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Thu Jun 18, 2009 10:27 pm

*writewatiwant* says... · Thu Jun 18, 2009 10:27 pm

So, this is for Rosey's contest. Hope you enjoy it!

Which path to take?
by Kat

I watched the girl enter the cave, knowing already what she would find. I had led her there, influencing her dreams, murmuring secrets and promises or extraordinary sights while she slept, slowly convincing her to follow the path I had led for her. We believed in her. She was the one that was going to change it.
I followed her, as she climbed on to the small wooden rowboat. Her eyes looked like bright sapphires when the boat started moving by itself. She didn’t even touch the oars; they lay silently under the plank she was sitting on. The water undulated, and she listened, delighted, to the sound of the calming waves twirling around the boat.
Calming thoughts flew into her mind. She closed her eyes. Who could resist such an atmosphere?
Inside the cave, it felt neither too cold nor too hot, at the perfect line. She was tired. She had crossed the golden fields, the wide meadows, in two days to reach this place. I had left her food and water, helping her. She knew someone was guiding her, she just wasn’t aware of exactly who. It’s not like she could see me that easily. I looked like a small spot of light, easily mistaken for a firefly.
Her breathing slowed down, and I could sense she was at that line, between two worlds. Reality and dreams. Which would she take? I had forgotten, too, where I was and had gotten too embraced in her mind. She was forming a choice, knowing what awaited her in both options. The rowboat hit a rock, and her eyes flashed open. She observed the boat closely, as if waiting for the sight of a crack. She looked up, her face suddenly lit by mysterious focus of light, to see where she arrived. A small disturbance at the perfectly straight rock wall.
Stalagmites and stalactites were all around, and types of unknown gems to her laid on the floor, glowing. The brightness of the colors exalted her, making her want to steal them away. Every shade of color was there, amaranth, scarlet carmine, cobalt blue, bent into a beautiful rainbow. The glowing only made them more interesting and appealing.
Her hand was reaching for the violet gems, when a voice whispered to her.
“Don’t touch them.”
She turned around quickly, and I whispered again.
“Melanie, they’ll trap you.” I flew from my hideout, and approached her. She could barely see me. “The crystals… will trap you inside them,” I reassured. She started to realize where the small voice was coming and looked straight at me, with her eyebrows raised and her bright green eyes illuminated by the crystals light.
“I’m Dawn. Nice to meet you,” I tried to smile and slowly put out my glow, so that I wouldn’t freak her out so much. She stared at me, with a curious expression on her face, and reached for me with her index finger.
“Do you have the impulse to touch everything that glows?” I asked her, annoyed at her childish behavior. Was this supposed to be the one? They had instructed me to get this one, but still. She seemed too young.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “You led me here.”
“Oh, she’s smart!” I twisted my hands around, exasperated.
“You’re very nice too.” She said, between her teeth.
“Melanie, look ahead,” I instructed her, regaining my patience. Fairies, like me, originally had room for an emotion at a time, due to our size, but we had changed, gaining space for more. But still, there was a dominant one.
Melanie lifted her head, and gasped, finally noticing the tunnels ahead her. Each was the path to a magical world, each so different. I flew over the crystals, spinning around in the air, while her eyes scanned the paths. The gems lost their light for instants, but as soon as I passed them, the glow returned. It was as if my light either frightened them or humiliated them.
I smiled, the corners of my mouth almost reaching my blue eyes. It was time for me to go. I silently flew into one of the tunnels, leaving Melanie alone. They trusted she would make the right choice.
“Dawn,” she called turning around, expecting to see me. Surprise clouded her expression, when she saw only void. She called me again, louder. “Dawn!” Her hands turned into fists and tears came to her eyes.
She didn’t know where she was, and now she was alone.
She quickly understood she had to take one of the paths, and was now staring at them again.
“Which path to take?” She murmured. I had to give her some credit for understanding. She was still scared, but something bigger overcame her, and she stood as the fifteen year-old girl she was.
Melanie stepped forward, and peeked at the lowest tunnel. Flames' reflections, red and orange, were spattered against the cold rock, making her shudder.
“Definitely not that one,” she pointed out. I couldn’t avoid smiling, once more.
She followed the trail and took steps forward. On her left, she had an image where the predominant color was green. Leaves, and trees; you could even see a silhouette.
“Oh, a jungle,” she smiled. She walked closer and the sound of roar of a tiger echoed through the cave. She stumbled back, and quickly got away.
“I don’t want to be eaten, so not that one.”
She was starting to consider getting back on the boat. She walked to the boat, and sat in it, but it wouldn’t move. She grabbed the oars, and tried to move the boat, but still, not even an inch.
She sighed.
I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try, Melanie thought. She went back to her previous position, and scanned the next tunnel.
A beach set caught her eyes, and made her run for the entrance.
“The ocean!” She sighed. Had she never seen the ‘big blue’? I could see her, walking towards the sun set. The waves were gently embracing the shore, and she only stopped to look at the tunnel besides her, from where noises came.
A beautiful green meadow laid untouchable. Something pushed her to that tunnel, alluring her. She looked up, and saw a vast blue canvas with big spots of color. She didn’t knew those where planets. Again, she searched for more options, and saw the pink scenery. Cherry blossom’s leaves flew everywhere with the wind, and a pine was covered in soft snow. Also alluring, but the force pushing her to the meadow was stronger than the wish for a romantic set.
She walked, slowly, into it, forgetting completely the beach. Her arm passed the canvas, and grabbed air from the other side. The image started to glow, until it absorbed her whole. She let out a small scream of surprise.
I rejoiced; my task was done, and I followed her into my world.
We arrived in a blink of an eye, and the sun kissed my skin. It was nice to be home, once more. No one was in sight, but the lake ahead would be our first stop.
“Come, Melanie.”
Her eyes pierced me, and she didn’t had to speak, for I knew what bothered her.
“I’m sorry, Melanie. But you had to make that decision alone.”
She crossed her arms on her chest, but nodded silently.
“Now, let’s go,” I said again, pushing her to the lake’s direction. The swans, that usually bathed there, landed on the calm waters, and I didn’t need to push her forwards anymore. She ran, happy and cheerfully laughing. She was amazed with the path she chose.

Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Plus-One

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:09 am

Plus-One says... · Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:09 am

Hello Kat, I have my review prepared. I warn you that it is long, but a fair portion of it is correcting minor grammar errors or typos. So here we go:

I watched the girl enter the cave, knowing already what she would find. I had led her there, influencing her dreams, whispering things while she slept, slowly convincing her to follow the path I had led for her to walk.

This section started off very well, I like the idea of the fairy 'influencing her dreams', but I think it sort of flops a bit after that.'Whispering things' sounds a bit plain to me, you can do something much more artistic and descriptive than that, for example (although they wouldn't fit in this context): 'whispering sweet nothings', 'whispering wordless welcomes', so think carefully about what the fairy is saying and make your own. You may even want to switch the word 'whispering' if it would fit better. As for the second bolded section, I think you could do something a little more exotic for that too, like 'slowly urging her', or 'slowly guiding her', or along those sort of lines. I also would say lose the 'to walk' at the end, but that is a matter of choice depending on how well you think it flows.

She didn’t even touched the oars; they laid silently under the plank she was sitting on.

Touch? Lay?

The water agitated, and she listened, delighted, to the sound of the calming small waves twirling around the boat.

I don't think agitated really fits this sentence, it is a bit of a harsh sounding verb for the soft calming feeling that you are trying to show. Try a softer sounding verb like, 'rippled' 'undulated' etc. Also, I think it would sound better if you either switched the words 'small' and 'calming', or got rid of small completely!

Inside the cave, it felt neither too cold neither too hot, at the perfect line.

This neither should be 'nor'. It follows the same pattern as 'Either' and 'or'.

She was tired. She crossed the fields, meadows, in two days to reach this place.

You need a 'had' in between 'She crossed'. I also think that this bit arrives quite suddenly and goes quite quickly. Perhaps you should flesh out the information about her journey, or disperse information about it as her boat trip goes on?

She knew someone was attending her, she just wasn’t aware of exactly who.

I get the gist of what you mean by 'attending', but I think you should use a different verb, like 'leading' or 'guiding', something that suggests that she isn't in control. Also, I don't think 'aware' fits, I think you would be better off with something like: 'she didn't know who'.

It’s not like she could see me that easily. A small spot of light flying around could be mistaken for a firefly.

I don't think this section was particularly clear, at no point does it say that the fairy appears like a small spot of light, you may be better off specifying, and saying 'I looked like a small spot of light, no different from a firefly', or preferably a phrasing of your own.

Her breathing slowed down, and I could sense she was in that line, between two worlds.

Seeing as you are using the word 'line' to indicate a boundary, she can't be 'in' it. She should be 'at' it!

Which could she take? I forgotten, too, where I was and got too embraced in her mind.

Would? Had forgotten? Had gotten?

I don't think the end to this sentence particularly fits to the story, you hadn't really explained that much about the fairy getting embraced in her mind, so it seemed strange that it suddenly was! If you are going to keep this in, I would suggest going back and including some sort of discription of how he is following her mind.

She was forming a choice, knowing what awaited her in both options.

I think this would sound much better if you used 'paths' instead of options, and obviously rephrased it to say something like 'down both paths'.

The rowboat hit the rock, and she woke up

This sentence confused me. Firstly, you hadn't described a rock to begin with, so presumably 'a rock' would be what you meant. Secondly, it hadn't been pointed out anywhere in the story that she was asleep, or in a trance. You need to make it clearer that you intended her to be drifting off to sleep, for this to fit at all.

She looked up, her face suddenly lighten by mysterious focus of light, to see where she arrived.

Lit?

A small disturbance at the perfectly straight rock wall.

In? I am a bit wary of this sentence, her looking back didn't seem to lead to anything. We know she has come through a cave entrance and sailed on, if she is going to look back, you need to make something of it. Tell us how far away it seems, or how her sight of it is being lost as the is lead around a twisting passage? Something new!

Stalagmites and stalactites where all around, and some kind of unknown gems to her laid on the floor, glowing, making her want to touch them and take them.

Were? I think you would do better leaving out 'some kind of' here, they are unnecessary and serve only to get in the way and disrupt the description. I also think the 'touch and take' part is a bit bland, once again you could use something more imaginative, but I will leave that to you.

Blue, pink, violet, green. Every shade of color was there represented, bending them into a beautiful rainbow.

Firstly, 'represented' is not needed here, and I think that the colour listing here is unnecessary, if you were going to use it, it would fit better after the first comma of the second sentence, so that it reads 'Every shade of color was there, blue, pink, violet,green,'. It may even be better if you dropped a couple of colours, or replaced the list with a more exotic description of colours, like 'sparkling scarlets' (of course you can do better than that!), also you should change bending to 'bent' and drop 'them'.

She started to realize from where the small voice was coming and looked straight at me, with her eyebrows raised and her bright green eyes illuminated by my own or the crystals light.

It makes more sense to phrase it 'where the small voice was coming from'. Also, I think you try and describe too much at the end of this section, you should probably just leave it to her eyes being illuminated by the crystals, that way you don't have to worry about getting a sentence that seems disjointed.

“I’m Dawn. Nice to meet you,” I tried to smile, so that I wouldn’t freak her out so much. She stared at me, with a curious expression on her face, and reached for me with her index finger.

You have described the fairy as appearing like a firefly, so unless you describe it has actually being larger or something, I don't think that she would be able to detect a smile on its face. You should perhaps edit this to be another sort of gesture that could be seen. Like dimming the glow so that she can see the fairy's outline?

“Do you have the impulse to touch everything that glows?” I asked her, annoyed at her childish behavior. Was this supposed to be the one? They had instructed me to get this one, but still. She seemed too young.

I don't think this second sentence really adds anything to the story, it would probably work better without it.

“Melanie, look ahead,” I instructed her, gaining patience.

'Regaining my'?

Fairies, like me, originally had room for only an emotion at a time, due to our size, but we had changed, gaining space for more emotions.

'an'-->'one'. I also don't think you need to repeat 'emotions' after you have used it as the subject in the sentence.

Melanie lifted her head, and gasped, finally noticing the many tunnels ahead her.

I think this was a bit of a cop out. I think you should drop the 'many', and then flesh this out more, tell us more about what she sees from a distance and as she nears them. This will save a lot of the bulky and unnecessary description that you force on us in the final section.

Each was the path to a world

I think you could do with adding an adjective before 'world', distinguish them as being special compared to our own.

It was as if my light either frightened them or humiliated them.

Once again, I really like this idea, but I think you could do so much more with it. As the fairy has been through the cave a number of times before, make it more certain about what is happening, and elaborate on it, tell us that the gems are cowering away from its purity, or something exciting!

I silently flew into on of the tunnels, leaving Melanie alone.

on--->one. I think this sentence ends a bit abruptly, tell us why the fairy is leaving Melanie alone, rather than just that it is leaving her alone.

“Dawn,” she called tuning around, expecting to see me. Surprise was all over her expression, when she turned to only void. She called me again, louder. “Dawn!” Her hands turned into fists and tears came to her eyes.

tuning--->turning. in the second sentence, you don't need to use 'turned' again. I also think that you should try and rephrase this part, it sounds a bit awkward, you should perhaps change 'was all over her' for a single verb like 'clouded', I also think 'void' is a bit out of place here, after all it is not like Dawn was particularly noticeable in the first place. In the final sentence, I think the crying is a bit of an over the top reaction. She has only just been introduced to dawn, perhaps you should continue the surprised and confused train of thought, rather than despair.

She didn’t knew where she was, and now alone, even.

knew--->know. I don't like the end of this sentence, it doesn't fit together, or make any sort of sense to me. Firstly I think you should drop 'even' from the end, and then switch it to something along the lines of 'and now she was alone'.

She understood pretty quickly she had to take one of the paths, and was now staring at them again.

I don't like the use of 'pretty quickly' in here, perhaps you should switch it to 'She quickly understood' , or similar.

She followed the trail and took steps forward. On her left, she had an image where the predominant color was green. Leaves, and trees; you could even see a silhouette.

Stepped?

There are a few more corrections in these descriptive paragraphs, but I'm not going to highlight them, I think the main problem with this section is that you aren't really summoning the reader's imagination. You are meant to be making them imagine the worlds as they read through, and feel like they are there, but a lot of the description is just plain an ordinary, rather than sensuous and magical like the worlds should be. You definitely need to work on the imagination you put behind these descriptions, as I think it has been the main weakness in this piece. Perhaps look up the descriptions in some of the novels that you own, and compare them to yours. Practice describing scenes that you have made up or seen in pictures. It is definitely a case of practice makes pertinent.

Her eyes pierced me, and she didn’t had to speak, for I knew what bothered her.

She was amazed with the path she chose

'What was bothering her'.

Also, I think the final sentence is a bit of an anti climax. It ends it too abruptly, and after all, throughout the story it is suggested that she is destined to choose the path...

All in all, I think that the piece does have potential, with corrections to the grammar, it will be more readable, but as I mentioned above, the real flaw is the description. Hopefully you'll be able to get some practice of it in, and improve the ones in this story, and I wish you the best of luck in the competition!

Keep writing!
~Plus

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Musicaloo7311

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Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:00 pm

Musicaloo7311 says... · Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:00 pm

Hi Kat! Music, here as requested! So sorry it took me this long, darling!

Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

Calming thoughts flew into her mind. She closed her eyes. Who could resist to [I think you should strike "to". After all, we don't "resist to" something, we just "resist" it. ] such an atmosphere?

Stalagmites and stalactites were all around, and [s]some kind of unknown gems to her[/s]types of gems unknown to her laid on the floor, glowing. (...) amaranth, scarlet carmine, cobalt blue, bend [bent? into a beautiful rainbow.

I flew from my hide out [I think hideout is one word. ], and approached her. (...) with her eyebrows raised and her bright green eyes illuminated by the crystals' light.

Flames' reflections, red and orange, were spattered against the cold rock, making her shudder.

Language Usage & Writing Style: I really did like how you wrote this, Kat! It was very descriptive, very magical, very captivating.

The only concern in this area is that sometimes you leave out an explanation to things, and the reader isn't able to fully understand what is happening. Add elaborations for what is happening when you can.

Imagery & Emotion: Gosh, girl! Your imagery in this piece is awesome! But, I'd like to read about sounds here. I didn't notice any ripples in the water, any of the rocks tumbling down, or anything else. Add some sounds for more description. ^^
Your emotion. Dawn didn't really seem to have much emotion to me, but I thought that was okay. Except for her dominant one, I was guessing sarcasm or her temper. I really understood Melanie's emotions, which was great.

I think you should keep the emotion part the same, because you did well.

Characters: Your characters were nice, and I think the fact that Dawn was, well, a fairy, really defined her personality. I took Melanie as an innocent, wide-eyed, little girl. I really did like their personalities.

Plot & Storyline: I had an issue with this story. I didn't know what was going on when it got to the ocean part and the meadow part. Adding explanations will help the reader to understand. I got the beginning, and I got the end. Just not the middle.

As for the ending, I'd like to see what happened to Melanie. I didn't understand the whole purpose of her being there, and I was left to guess that they made her into a fairy, but I may not be right. Of course, you may want to leave this to interpretation, but I'd like it if you were to elaborate instead. ^^

Good work! Edit a little and you'll have a wonderful story, dear!

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music

Click-ity click! Reviews here.

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StellaThomas

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Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:11 pm

StellaThomas says... · Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:11 pm

Hey Catarina, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

promises or extraordinary sights

of, not or, perhaps?

and had gotten too embraced in her mind.

“You’re very nice too.” She said, between her teeth.

too," she...

“Which path to take?” She murmured.

she...

It was nice to be home, once more.

No comma.

II. MORE!

Tell us more! I want to know who this fairy is, why they want Melanie, what makes her special, why Dawn was chosen, or at least some of these things...

Overall, this is a good story on the surface, but I feel like there could have been more depth to it. The character of Melanie was a bit... not great. And inject emotion into it.

Basically, you've got a skeleton here full of beautiful description, but there's some lack of depth in it. Put some more in and it'll be fantastic!

III. OVERALL

I loved your descriptions, as I say, more emotion and a little bit more detail, and it'll be great. Good luck!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010

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*writewatiwant*

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Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:02 pm

*writewatiwant* says... · Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:02 pm

*writewatiwant* wrote:So, this is for Rosey's contest. Hope you enjoy it!

Which path to take?
by Kat

I watched the girl enter the cave, knowing already what she would find. I had led her there, influencing her dreams, murmuring secrets and promises of extraordinary sights while she slept, slowly convincing her to follow the path I had led for her. We believed in her. She was the one that was going to change it.
I followed her, as she climbed on to the small wooden rowboat. Her eyes looked like bright sapphires when the boat started moving by itself. She didn’t even touch the oars; they lay silently under the plank she was sitting on. The water undulated, and she listened, delighted, to the sound of the calming waves twirling around the boat.
Calming thoughts flew into her mind. She closed her eyes. Who could resist such an atmosphere?
Inside the cave, it felt neither too cold nor too hot, at the perfect line. She was tired. She had crossed the golden fields, the wide meadows, in two days to reach this place. I had left her food and water, helping her. She knew someone was guiding her, she just wasn’t aware of exactly who. It’s not like she could see me that easily. I looked like a small spot of light, easily mistaken for a firefly.
Her breathing slowed down, and I could sense she was at that line, between two worlds. Reality and dreams. Which would she take? I had forgotten, too, where I was and had gotten too embraced in her mind. She was forming a choice, knowing what awaited her in both options. The rowboat hit a rock, and her eyes flashed open. She observed the boat closely, as if waiting for the sight of a crack. She looked up, her face suddenly lit by mysterious focus of light, to see where she arrived. A small disturbance at the perfectly straight rock wall.
Stalagmites and stalactites were all around, and types of unknown gems to her laid on the floor, glowing. The brightness of the colors exalted her, making her want to steal them away. Every shade of color was there, amaranth, scarlet carmine, cobalt blue, bent into a beautiful rainbow. The glowing only made them more interesting and appealing.
Her hand was reaching for the violet gems, when a voice whispered to her.
“Don’t touch them.”
She turned around quickly, and I whispered again.
“Melanie, they’ll trap you.” I flew from my hideout, and approached her. She could barely see me. “The crystals… will trap you inside them,” I reassured. She started to realize where the small voice was coming and looked straight at me, with her eyebrows raised and her bright green eyes illuminated by the crystals light.
“I’m Dawn. Nice to meet you,” I tried to smile and slowly put out my glow, so that I wouldn’t freak her out so much. She stared at me, with a curious expression on her face, and reached for me with her index finger.
“Do you have the impulse to touch everything that glows?” I asked her, annoyed at her childish behavior. Was this supposed to be the one? They had instructed me to get this one, but still. She seemed too young.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “You led me here.”
“Oh, she’s smart!” I twisted my hands around, exasperated.
“You’re very nice too,” she said, between her teeth.
“Melanie, look ahead,” I instructed her, regaining my patience. Fairies, like me, originally had room for an emotion at a time, due to our size, but we had changed, gaining space for more. But still, there was a dominant one.
Melanie lifted her head, and gasped, finally noticing the tunnels ahead her. Each was the path to a magical world, each so different. I flew over the crystals, spinning around in the air, while her eyes scanned the paths. The gems lost their light for instants, but as soon as I passed them, the glow returned. It was as if my light either frightened them or humiliated them.
I smiled, the corners of my mouth almost reaching my blue eyes. It was time for me to go. I silently flew into one of the tunnels, leaving Melanie alone. They trusted she would make the right choice.
“Dawn,” she called turning around, expecting to see me. Surprise clouded her expression, when she saw only void. She called me again, louder. “Dawn!” Her hands turned into fists and tears came to her eyes.
She didn’t know where she was, and now she was alone.
She quickly understood she had to take one of the paths, and was now staring at them again.
“Which path to take?” she murmured. I had to give her some credit for understanding. She was still scared, but something bigger overcame her, and she stood as the fifteen year-old girl she was.
Melanie stepped forward, and peeked at the lowest tunnel. Flames' reflections, red and orange, were spattered against the cold rock, making her shudder.
“Definitely not that one,” she pointed out. I couldn’t avoid smiling, once more.
She followed the trail and took steps forward. On her left, she had an image where the predominant color was green. Leaves, and trees; you could even see a silhouette.
“Oh, a jungle,” she smiled. She walked closer and the sound of roar of a tiger echoed through the cave. She stumbled back, and quickly got away.
“I don’t want to be eaten, so not that one.”
She was starting to consider getting back on the boat. She walked to the boat, and sat in it, but it wouldn’t move. She grabbed the oars, and tried to move the boat, but still, not even an inch.
She sighed.
I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try, Melanie thought. She went back to her previous position, and scanned the next tunnel.
A beach set caught her eyes, and made her run for the entrance.
“The ocean!” She sighed. Had she never seen the ‘big blue’? I could see her, walking towards the sun set. The waves were gently embracing the shore, and she only stopped to look at the tunnel besides her, from where noises came.
A beautiful green meadow laid untouchable. Something pushed her to that tunnel, alluring her. She looked up, and saw a vast blue canvas with big spots of color. She didn’t knew those where planets. Again, she searched for more options, and saw the pink scenery. Cherry blossom’s leaves flew everywhere with the wind, and a pine was covered in soft snow. Also alluring, but the force pushing her to the meadow was stronger than the wish for a romantic set.
She walked, slowly, into it, forgetting completely the beach. Her arm passed the canvas, and grabbed air from the other side. The image started to glow, until it absorbed her whole. She let out a small scream of surprise.
I rejoiced; my task was done, and I followed her into my world.
We arrived in a blink of an eye, and the sun kissed my skin. It was nice to be home once more. No one was in sight, but the lake ahead would be our first stop.
“Come, Melanie.”
Her eyes pierced me, and she didn’t had to speak, for I knew what bothered her.
“I’m sorry, Melanie. But you had to make that decision alone.”
She crossed her arms on her chest, but nodded silently.
“Now, let’s go,” I said again, pushing her to the lake’s direction. The swans, that usually bathed there, landed on the calm waters, and I didn’t need to push her forwards anymore. She ran, happy and cheerfully laughing. She was amazed with the path she chose.

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Rosendorn

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Sat Aug 15, 2009 11:25 pm

Rosendorn says... · Sat Aug 15, 2009 11:25 pm

Hiya Kat!

So, it might be late, but here is your entry prize for my contest. I was judging on plot, characters, use of picture/world and an "other" category for things that didn't fit into the above.

Plot: It was nice, but just a touch incomplete. I loved the concept: I girl needed to save the magic world with her choice, but why that needs to happen isn't explained. The set up was honestly wonderful, and the bare bones of the plot were there, but the ending was just a touch under explained.

Characters: I liked them for the most part. Their tone was really funny, and I loved the fairy's comments. I just found Dawn to be too old for the tone. She'd have been perfect for a seven year old, and that's how old I thought she was until you said her age. Finding out she was fifteen really jarred me.

Use of Picture/World: I really liked this concept. The fact that some worlds would harm while one was perfect was a really clever idea. I just found the magic a touch under explained as I mentioned before. However, I very much enjoyed everything else, so really just work on that and you'll do well.

Other: You had some English mistakes here, but those would be easy fixes. My biggest thing here, other than what I said above, was the viewpoint. You used first person, which really meant the fairy shouldn't have heard anything your MC thought unless given very good reason. You said the fairy was in the MC's mind, but that's not mentioned around the scene when the fairy leaves and the MC is alone; I thought the fairy was just hiding.

This was a solid piece of writing. Just work on the English a little, and explain a few things at the end.

Good luck in the future,

~Rosey

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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

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Which path to take?

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