Carouselia

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15698
Reviews 369
The twisted shapes of the wooden animals looked different beneath the moonlight. Hallie could almost sense a mystical aura about the whole affair, sneaking into the old park just to ride on the carousel in the dark.

Her bare feet rushed across the grass towards the contraption. With quick steps she got onto the carousel. Here it looked even more otherworldly, with the wooden menagerie all around her. She took quick, anxious breaths as she searched for the switch that would give the ride power.

All of a sudden, the carousel lit up and began to move on its own, the pipes sounding just like they would in the day. Hallie froze as the machine turned. She looked for someone who might have turned it on, but she saw no one. For a moment, she was dumbstruck with a gnawing uncertainness. But she soon relaxed. She must have struck the lever by accident as she bumbled around.

Hallie jumped on the back of one of the animals, a magnificent gilded elk, with glee. The music played on as she rode around. This was the best. No bumping with other people, no waiting around, no one stealing the animal you wanted, this was the way to ride on a carousel.

The ride continued on and Hallie surrendered herself to the joy she felt. She did not care if someone came out and stopped her now. Everything up until this point made it all worth it.

Something shifted on the ride in front of her. Hallie looked up. She could have sworn that a swan had moved. Now the muscles of a lion beside her seemed to ripple. Hallie rubbed her eyes. The lion bounded forward and she almost fell off of the elk, startled and afraid. All around her, the carousel animals were coming to life, their wooden features animated into fur and feathers.

“Are you all right?” asked a voice.

Hallie looked forward and was once again startled. Where the elk’s head and rack had once been, now there was the upper body of a boy her age, albeit with the elk’s antlers on his head.

“Who...who are you?” Hallie asked, her mind not certain about what was happening.

“My name is Cervi,” the elk boy said. He bounded forward after the other animals. Hallie had to hold onto his waist to keep from falling off. “What is your name?”

“Hallie. What is happening here?”

“We have Awoken, for just a little while. Come, run with me, will you not? Though each Awakening fills me with happiness, the chance to share it with another gives me such great joy.”

Hallie was dumbfounded. How was she supposed to respond to all of this? All of these things were running around, and an elk centaur was basically asking her out on a date. So much, all so fast.

But, wasn’t this magic? She had wanted something magical. And she had indeed found it. Besides, Cervi was good looking enough. For a one night fling, he was perfect.

“Sure,” Hallie said, her face beaming with a smile.

Cervi returned the smile and bounded forward. Hallie smiled as he bore her among all the other magical creatures. Some had gained human torsos like her mount, others remained as they had been. But all were now definitely much alive and experiencing great joy at being able to run around the carousel of their own free will, rather than being bound to the whims of a man by a lever.

The carousel music blared loud in her ears, but she did not care. She was too absorbed in the moment to care. All of this was so much more than she had wished for. It was perfect.

The music began to wind down and the animals began to slow their paces. A sigh of disappointment escaped Hallie’s lips. This was too soon. It couldn’t end now. It had only just begun. But Cervi came to a stop and she knew that it was over.

He turned back to her. “It was nice to have someone new to run with. Thank you, Hallie.”

Hallie nodded and got off of his back. “It was nice. I’m just sad it had to end.”

Cervi smiled. “Don’t worry. You’ll be here next Awakening.”

“There’s a next time?” Hallie’s voice was filled with hope. “When is that?”

But Cervi simply gave her a knowing smile and would not say more. So Hallie turned to leave. It pained her to do so. There was the promise of another opportunity like this though. That held enough magic in itself to keep her until then.

She tried to walk away, but got only a few steps. Then she found that her feet would not leave the ground. They were stuck, almost as if there was glue attached to them.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.

A glow appeared around her waist and warmth spread through her lower body like a flame. She gasped at this new sensation. The glow expanded and altered itself behind her until it resembled the lower half of Cervi’s body. Then it dissipated, and left Hallie with a shock. Instead of human legs, she now had the lower body of a doe.

“A hart is not complete without a hind,” Cervi said with satisfaction.

For a moment Hallie was speechless. Then she felt a chilling cold down in the bottoms of her new legs. She tried to move to alleviate it, but found that she was still stuck, and quite frozen. The chilled feeling spread up. The farther up it went, the more of her body she found unable to move. Then she understood. The cold was wood.

The cold reached her waist and she held her breath, hoping it would stop. But it kept going up. Hallie began to cry out as it crept up. She cried until the wood reached her lungs and she lost the ability to make any noise. All she could do then was silently scream, until even her mouth was overtaken by the chill of becoming wood. Then she was as still as all the other animals, one more fixture for the children to fight over for the right to ride during the day.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1203
Reviews 228
Hi Conrad! I'll review this here, so I just don't say everything to you in MSN. Tehe. :D


But, wasn’t this magic? She had wanted something magical. And she had indeed found it.

Okay, I like what you have the story so far, the ideas and stuffs. Here though, I became a little confused though. Did she say she wanted something magical? At the beginning? It never really said anything like that. It just said she wanted a ride on the carousel. Maybe put at the beginning that she wanted something magical, so this line doesn't stick out. :)


The carousel music blared loud in her ears, but she did not care. She was too absorbed in the moment to care. All of this was so much more than she had wished for. It was perfect.

The music began to wind down and the animals began to slow their paces. A sigh of disappointment escaped Hallie’s lips. This was too soon. It couldn’t end now. It had only just begun. But Cervi came to a stop and she knew that it was over.

Five minute happy time is over! :P I know I tried explaining this to you, but it's like that time only lasted for five minutes.

There was no description inbetween there with what happened. Did Cervi go racing around the park with Hallie? Did t hey do anything? Try to think of something to put in there, darling. :wink: Happy time needs to last longer.


But Cervi simply gave her a knowing smile and would not say more. So Hallie turned to leave.

That line bothers me to no end. It really does. I'm not sure what is a better way to reword that...maybe make that period a comma instead?



Five minute happy time really annoys me... :arrow: It really does, and I'm sorry for constantly repeating this. :P There wasn't enough time shown in the story during the happy time. Maybe put something in there, like I said before. The story said that Cervi had practically asked her on a date. Maybe put something in there that can kind of go with that.


Characters :arrow: The one concern I have with the characters is how old is Hallie? She seemed kind of young with the excitement she had for the carousel, but she seemed older while talking to Cervi. It has a big effect with the story.


The story :arrow: I admit, I have never really read one of your stories before. Which is a shame for me, because I absolutely loved this story (of course, except for those little things I pointed out). I know you said you had trouble getting this story out, but I loved it. :D Now I have to read more of your stuff.


I know I kinda rushed here at the end, but I have to leave in five minutes now. Sorry if it did seem kind of rushed, darling. :D

Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4198
Reviews 157
Hi, Conrad, I'll be your reviewer for today. Prepare for a lot of nitpicking!

The twisted shapes of the wooden animals looked different beneath the moonlight.


Maybe it's just me, but I feel it'd be better to say "in", not "beneath".

Hallie could almost sense a mystical aura about the whole affair,


"The whole affair"...meh, it feels kind of stuffy. In fact you could get rid of the "the whole affair" part and segue neatly into the next sentnece ("...a mystical aura about sneaking into the old park...")

Her bare feet rushed across the grass towards the contraption.


Perhaps describe how the grass feels against her bare feet. Is it tickly? Soft? Otherwise it seems kind of pointless to mention that her feet are bare.

With quick steps she got onto the carousel.


"Got onto" is rather general; does she step tentatively on to the carousel, or hop eagerly on? Well, try not to say it with the adverbs, but you get the idea.

Here it looked even more otherworldly, with the wooden menagerie all around her.


"Here, with the wooden menagerie all around her, it looked even more otherworldly". By the way, I'm unsure what "it"is. I assume you mean the carousel?

All of a sudden, the carousel lit up and began to move on its own, the pipes sounding just like they would in the day.


I think there needs to be more of a sense of suddenness here. Because right now this just feels rather...random. I can't explain what exactly bugs me about this, only that there isn't really a sense of surprise here. Of randomness, but not "OMG!!! WTF??". More like, "Huh?" Maybe give the carousel turning on its own short, emphatic paragraph, without the "all of a sudden".

Argh, I wish I could be more help; all I can say is that something is bugging me about the carousel turning on, but I can't explain what it is.

For a moment, she was dumbstruck with a gnawing uncertainness.


This is just odd phraseology; I imagine being "dumbstruck" as something very quick and instanteous, while "gnawing" is something more gradual. Put together, the two images don't mesh.

But she soon relaxed. She must have struck the lever by accident as she bumbled around.


Would you really relax so quickly after something like that? She should look around in surprise for a bit longer, before deciding "oh well what the hell". Right now, it seems she's taking too quickly to relax; it feels like a whiplash from her previous mood.

The music played on as she rode around.


Nothing funadmentally wrong with this sentence, but c'mon, you've got a vocabulary, spice it up a bit. :) "Played on"? "Rode around"?

This was the best. No bumping with other people, no waiting around, no one stealing the animal you wanted, this was the way to ride on a carousel.


You have a comma splice at the end. Change the comma after "wanted" into a period. I do like the thoughts conveyed in these sentences, though. It feels like something a child really would think.

The ride continued on and Hallie surrendered herself to the joy she felt.


I do believe you're telling here instead of showing. Dont' just say she "felt joy"; show us her joy. Is she whooping in glee? Laughing as she rides? Etcetera.

. The lion bounded forward and she almost fell off of the elk, startled and afraid.


"Startled and afraid" mean the same thing in this context. Also, by saying she's "afraid", you're not showing us her fear.

All around her, the carousel animals were coming to life, their wooden features animated into fur and feathers.


I'm getting the same discontent feeling that I did when the carousel turned on. The way you're describing it feels too...mundane. I'm not getting any shock and horror from seeing the carousel animals coming to life. Perhaps intersperse some of Hallie's thoughts in here. I can see room for figurative language, too, that'd make it feel more vivid and thus more surprising.

“Who...who are you?” Hallie asked, her mind not certain about what was happening.


I don't know about you, but the first thing I'd do in such a disorienting situation isn't to ask for names but to just babble "What's going on?" once I can speak. Perhaps have Hallie wonder if this is a dream, too.


“Hallie. What is happening here?”


All right, now she's asking what's happening. It does seem excessively formal for a child, though, and not quite startled enough.

Hallie was dumbfounded.


Ack! More telling!

All of these things were running around, and an elk centaur was basically asking her out on a date.


The way the rest of the story was written made me think Hallie was a little girl not older than 10, but now she's thinking about dates and I'm confused.

But, wasn’t this magic? She had wanted something magical. And she had indeed found it. Besides, Cervi was good looking enough. For a one night fling, he was perfect.


Again, I'm getting confused about Hallie's age because of the whole dating/good looking/fling thing. I sure hope the sexual metaphors weren't intentional.

And I'm thinking that Hallie is accepting this all way too easily. Good looking as Cervi might be, she should still be a little scared and disoriented. Show that, maybe, in her hesitating to agree, and him having to cajole her a bit before she gives in.

Hallie smiled as he bore her among all the other magical creatures.


The phrasing of this is rather...awkward.

But all were now definitely much alive and experiencing great joy at being able to run around the carousel of their own free will, rather than being bound to the whims of a man by a lever.


"Experiencing great joy"...? That reads rather awkwardly. I do like this sentence, though. It does a good job conveying how joyful the carousel animals must be.

The carousel music blared loud in her ears, but she did not care. She was too absorbed in the moment to care. All of this was so much more than she had wished for. It was perfect.


The series of short sentences here makes this paragraph feel rather disjointed. Try connecting some of them for more sophistication.

. This was too soon. It couldn’t end now. It had only just begun.


Again, the short sentences are making the writing seem almost immature and read very disjointedly. Also, I feel like the riding around scene should be lengthened a little bit. As it is, I feel like we didn't get enough of Hallie's joy--we were told she was happy, but not shown it. Perhaps you could do with describing in more sensory detail what was going on, too, such as the wind against her face and how warm Cervi feels, or whatnot.


It pained her to do so.


Agh! More showing!

She tried to walk away, but got only a few steps.


"Got"...? Come on, now. :) "Managed", maybe?


“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.


Again, try not to tell us she's worried. Show it to us. Perhaps her breathing hitches, or her heart begins pounding.

A
glow appeared around her waist and warmth spread through her lower body like a flame. She gasped at this new sensation. The glow expanded and altered itself behind her until it resembled the lower half of Cervi’s body. Then it dissipated, and left Hallie with a shock. Instead of human legs, she now had the lower body of a doe.


Again, I feel like this is happening too quickly. What's Hallie's reaction while all this is happening?

“A hart is not complete without a hind,” Cervi said with satisfaction.


Wow. Chilling. I did feel something siniste about Cervi, and this is...well. Amazing line. Don't change anything about it.

The cold reached her waist and she held her breath, hoping it would stop. But it kept going up. Hallie began to cry out as it crept up. She cried until the wood reached her lungs and she lost the ability to make any noise.


Wow...how horrible. I do feel this would be enlivened by some figurative language, or describing an increasing sensation of heaviness, as well as a deeper look into Hallie's mind.

All she could do then was silently scream, until even her mouth was overtaken by the chill of becoming wood


"Overtaken by the chill of becoming wood"? Awkward phrasing.

Then she was as still as all the other animals, one more fixture for the children to fight over for the right to ride during the day.


Wow...that's chilling. Perfect end.

Overall thoughts--

This story has a good idea. No, scratch that--it's a GREAT idea. I don't think I've ever seen a story like this before. Some lines gave me literal chills, and it's fascinating how you built up an aura of mystery and danger around something innocent as a carousel. I can say for certain that I will never ride another carousel again. (Not that I do, since they make me nauseous). For some reason, I'm reminded of a song about a carousel horse who dreams about playing in the meadows. Just...very haunting. I think I'll be thinking about this story for a long time.

Cervi's character was also perfectly presented--as someone beautiful and charming, but sinister beneath all that.

However, this seems more like a bare bones of a story than an actual one. You're very vague with your descriptions, which somewhat hurts the atmosphere you're tyring to create, since I feel a story like this would benefit from having a very rich, sensory, and figurative style. Some of your phrasings were awkward, and you had a tendency of telling us what Hallie was feeling instead of showing it to us, hurting our ability to connect to her. I always wasn't certain how old she was.

So yeah, expand on this. It's a great concept, and haunting, and you're already well on your way to creating an atmosphere of mystery and tension. Just lengthen and strengthen. :)

The best of luck in your endeavors.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5688
Reviews 254
Awesome idea! The writing wasn't bad, either, though I agree with what the two exceptionally thorough reviewers above had to suggest. :wink:

My biggest problems were with the dialogue--Cervi sounds fake--and the age of Hallie. To me she is a little girl the whole way through, and it seems completely inappropriate for her to be talking about one-night stands. And if you want her to be an adult, which I personally think would ruin this piece, then you need to reconsider parts like

All of a sudden, the carousel lit up and began to move on its own, the pipes sounding just like they would in the day. Hallie froze as the machine turned. She looked for someone who might have turned it on, but she saw no one. For a moment, she was dumbstruck with a gnawing uncertainness. But she soon relaxed. She must have struck the lever by accident as she bumbled around. [/quote]

For me, this passage right here sets up the story as a children's book. Lots of fairy tales are terrifying, even though Disney tries to play them down a little. Look at Snow White's stepmother, who was made to put on red-hot slippers. This would make a great fairy tale or campfire story, with a little editing. But it indicates that the intended audience is children, and that adds to the belief that Hallie herself is a child.

The other thing I want to mention is the randomness of the elk being half-human. Why not just make him an elk? He could be a talking elk. The story's weird enough for that. And she can turn into a full elk. Makes more sense to me.

Oh, and the repetition of "great joy" has got to go.

Otherwise, I love the idea, the title, and the way you convey the moments of shock she has. I actually got adrenaline rushes at the parts

Something shifted on the ride in front of her. Hallie looked up. She could have sworn that a swan had moved. Now the muscles of a lion beside her seemed to ripple.


and

She tried to walk away, but got only a few steps. Then she found that her feet would not leave the ground. They were stuck, almost as if there was glue attached to them.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.

A glow appeared around her waist and warmth spread through her lower body like a flame.


Good writing there. :) You've got some good stuff here. Keep polishing. I like it!

~Sophie
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28467
Reviews 675
Hey there Conrad! Plenty of people already did the nitpicking but I figured I could still give an overview. Here goes.

Word Choice
Here is one of the major concerns I had. It seems you couldn’t quite find the right word in certain places. Take for instance:

With quick steps she got onto the carousel.


This all seems to lack the vivid language that this story disserves. “got onto” seems to kill the fantasy theme of this piece. Remember to use words that truly embody the emotion of the characters.

Dialogue and Emotion

There isn’t much but what is here seems almost empty. Yes, you’re giving us the words, but the way they are spoken through the characters seem almost…dead. This is because the piece in general lacks emotion. Yes, obviously there is a sense of wonder in the beginning because we know that what she is doing should make her happy and excited. Then of course there is fear in the end, which we know she should feel because of the situation presented. But we shouldn’t just presume that she is feeling these things. Make us feel them.

Characters

I won’t say much here because I’ve been going on about the same general idea all review. This feels dead. It lacks that punch of life that a story needs because it lacks a lot of emotion.


All of these are problems that can be fixed and that I know you can easily change once you sit down and evaluate what your character really is feeling. The idea is so spectacular and I would love to sit around and steal that idea but I won’t. I won’t because I want to see it the way you wanted us to see it. Once you figure out what it is you wanted us to feel, you’re set.


~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 254
Hello Conrad. Just so you know, I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repetition. But then again, if there's repetition then you know for sure it should be changed, right? So maybe this is a good thing... Well whatever, on I go to review.
All of a sudden, the carousel lit up and began to move on its own, the pipes sounding just like they would in the day.

The thing is that this is supposed to be surprising, ominous. But I felt none of that. It just happened without me caring much. You need to take more time with this beginning, build up suspense, describe shadows, the creepiness of the whole ordeal. This would greatly enhance the reader's experience.
Something shifted on the ride in front of her. Hallie looked up. She could have sworn that a swan had moved. Now the muscles of a lion beside her seemed to ripple. Hallie rubbed her eyes. The lion bounded forward and she almost fell off of the elk, startled and afraid. All around her, the carousel animals were coming to life, their wooden features animated into fur and feathers.

I just get the feeling that things are happening too fast. Maybe it's the fact I crave suspense, which needs time to build, but it just feels like things are happening at a rapid rate. I'd suggest having her riding, nervous of getting caught but still excited about the ride. As time goes on, maybe have her see things moving in the corner of her eye, but when she looks, they're staying still. Delve into her psyche and gradually build up her fear. And when that fear hits its peak, then have something happen that fully reveals the situation flamboyantly. Maybe her steed could turn and look at her. Then everything else happens.

Sure,” Hallie said, her face beaming with a smile.

The use of "beaming", "beamed" or any other form of the word is one of my greatest pet peeves. I'm not telling you not to use it since this is opinionated and perfectly acceptable... I just like to express my opinion. Anyway, the critic part, though, is that I think you should ditch "with a smile".
"Hallie said, her face beaming" works well enough by itself, whether I like the word or not.
He turned back to her. “It was nice to have someone new to run with. Thank you, Hallie.”

Hallie nodded and got off of his back. “It was nice. I’m just sad it had to end.”

Since he just said "Hallie", change the beginning of the sentence to "she nodded". This lowers repetition, and since she's the only "She" it works fine.

Instead of human legs, she now had the lower body of a doe.

Oh snap, a twist.

Overall I really enjoyed this. Very interesting. I liked the ending as well. I can't say I didn't see it coming, but your other writing seemed a little too light hearted for me believe it. A nice surprise. The thing is, this also makes me want to stress the suggestions above about you upping the suspense. It would make the road to the darker ending a smoother ride, if you get what I'm saying. I guess one could argue the light-hearted first 3/4s was a good way to show contrast with the ending. And that's fine. Keep it light hearted. But I still feel like it needs more suspense, a darker undertone.

Once again, though, overall I liked it a lot. Great writing. That is all, so I bid you goodbye.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Hiya Con!

Since you have gotten five shreds on this thing already, I shall just focus on one thing: Viewpoint.

As I was telling you before, your problem seems to stem from your hesiation to show in a girl's viewpoint. This is mostly telling when it comes to emotion.

Now, normally this telling isn't so bad. You'll given us enough showing reactions to a character (mostly showing physical ways they express emotion) for the telling descriptions you use later to fit.

What I have described above is missing from this.

Take this paragraph early on in the work:

Carouselia wrote:Her bare feet rushed across the grass towards the contraption. With quick steps she got onto the carousel. Here it looked even more otherworldly, with the wooden menagerie all around her. She took quick, anxious breaths as she searched for the switch that would give the ride power.


I'll skip over the fact that "quick steps" and "rushed" over-emphesise the point and go on to compare this to an early paragraph in "The Head of Gildabareth"

The Head of Gildabareth wrote:Gildabareth turned back to the path. Naldar appeared. Amarian drew back, frightened at the sight of the warlord. His lower half was like one of the King’s stallions, jet black and well muscled. His upper half was like a man’s, yet with a mane down his back and colored the same horse black as his lower half. Geometric tattoos criss-crossed his body. In his hands was a mighty bladed spear. So ferocious was his approach that Amarian hid his face.


In the first example, we get physical reactions but no emotion. Which makes the emotional link to the characters missing. In the second, we get both physical and emotional reaction, which means we connect with Amarian much better.

Notice, also, how we get much more outside description in The Head of Gildabareth. We see how the warlord looks, and from earlier paragraphs we get a sense of the space around them. In this work, we only get vague impressions of what things look like. That's fine, even beneficial, in paragraph one, but as things move on we want more. Describe the blue light of the moon and how it alters the colours, how the animals seem to move (which would be a hint of foreshadowing), how deathly quiet it seems to be. Doing that would involve us into the work much more.

*

Here is an example of the physical reactions being described well in this work:

Hallie froze as the machine turned. She looked for someone who might have turned it on, but she saw no one. For a moment, she was dumbstruck with a gnawing uncertainness. But she soon relaxed. She must have struck the lever by accident as she bumbled around.


Even though we're missing a touch of emotional telling here, this paragraph does a good job of showing she's a bit creeped out. The reaction doesn't last as long as it could have, but when it comes to how her emotions are shown, it's pretty good.

*

The ride continued on and Hallie surrendered herself to the joy she felt. She did not care if someone came out and stopped her now. Everything up until this point made it all worth it.


Here's one of the slimmer paragraphs when it comes to physical reactions. "Surrendered herself to the joy she felt" sounds like a deux ex machina for not actually describing what she does/feels. Expand on that so it doesn't look like a trick.

*

Now, to compare this story and "The Head of Gildabareth" again:

Carouselia wrote:The lion bounded forward and she almost fell off of the elk, startled and afraid.


The reactions here, unlike other lines I've been quoting before this, has too much emphesis on her emotions. Despite it being similar to this line in Gildabareth:

Amarian was amazed.


Because in Gildabareth you focused more on physical reactions to describe your character's emotions, a line like the one above is forgivable because we know how Amarian will look if he's amazed. In this work you focus more on telling descriptions of your character's emotions, so the prose doesn't feel as rich.

*

Hallie was dumbfounded. How was she supposed to respond to all of this? All of these things were running around, and an elk centaur was basically asking her out on a date. So much, all so fast.

But, wasn’t this magic? She had wanted something magical. And she had indeed found it. Besides, Cervi was good looking enough. For a one night fling, he was perfect.


This quote is more about tone than viewpoint, but the ideas stay the same.

These lines don't have enough description to them, both in the segment I quoted and in the work before this point. Why I find the emotion is well done in Gildabareth is you weave in physical descriptions with the emotional telling (When it shows up) to the point we can picture things better because of it.

And I haven't read the other reviews so I'm not sure if this has been pointed out, but the picture of girls here is not one girls would relate to.

*

“Sure,” Hallie said, her face beaming with a smile.

Cervi returned the smile and bounded forward. Hallie smiled as he bore her among all the other magical creatures.


I think I'm starting to repeat myself here, but more physical description is needed here for a real connection with the character.

*

“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.


Yep. I'm really just starting to repeat myself. However, this line is more like the "Amarian was amazed" line I quoted before. Had there been more physical description, this telling description of her emotions wouldn't be so bad.

*

Quick summery:

~ Had you woven in more physical description with telling us Hallie's emotions were, a lot of the telling descriptions here would have been more interesting to read.

~ Watch the steryotypes you make. ;)

~ Don't be afraid to write about what you think a girl would be feeling during any given point.

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2781
Reviews 14
First off I have to say that this is an amazing piece! No seriously, I loved the idea and the characters, but of course you came here for a review so here we go:

My biggest issue with this piece is the atmosphere: it doesn't feel as magical as it should at the beginning and as horrifying it should at the end, I don't know why that is. It could be how I'm reading it or it could be some of your word choice. I think if you added a bit more description - especially to the carousel - it would add a bit more magic to the tale. You do a lot of telling at the beginning, I think the reader will get it enough if you just show what's happening rather then tell. For example:

The twisted shapes of the wooden animals looked different beneath the moonlight. Hallie could almost sense a mystical aura about the whole affair, sneaking into the old park just to ride on the carousel in the dark.

Her bare feet rushed across the grass towards the contraption. With quick steps she got onto the carousel. Here it looked even more otherworldly, with the wooden menagerie all around her. She took quick, anxious breaths as she searched for the switch that would give the ride power.


How are the shapes twisted? Do they look like monsters? or are they unidentifiable and the only reason she knows they're animals is because she's seen them millions of times before?

If you do that you could almost introduce Hallie in the next paragraph, explaining what she's doing. Though I think the reader will get what she's doing if you just tell how she's fumbling in the dark and trying to be extra quiet. Or you could move it to the end of this bit before the carousel lights up.

All of a sudden, the carousel lit up and began to move on its own, the pipes sounding just like they would in the day. Hallie froze as the machine turned. She looked for someone who might have turned it on, but she saw no one. For a moment, she was dumbstruck with a gnawing uncertainties. But she soon relaxed. She must have struck the lever by accident as she bumbled around.


This is completely personal preference, I don't like the phrase 'All of a sudden' or 'suddenly' for that matter, but I think you should replace that with 'Without warning'. The 'on it's own' could be taken out. That doesn't need to be explained, I very much doubt that there are little gnome people underneith that are turning the carousel (though that would make for an interesting tale... ummm...). How do the pipes sound? Please explain.

Hallie jumped on the back of one of the animals, a magnificent gilded elk, with glee. The music played on as she rode around. This was the best. No bumping with other people, no waiting around, no one stealing the animal you wanted, this was the way to ride on a carousel.

The ride continued on and Hallie surrendered herself to the joy she felt. She did not care if someone came out and stopped her now. Everything up until this point made it all worth it.


Maybe move the 'with glee' to the beginning of the first sentence, it sounds a bit awkward at the end. Is the elk her favorite? Or is it just the one she wanted to ride? If so this sentence should be reworded to make it sound more deleberate. Right now it seems like she just picked one at random, which if she did the sentence is find, if she didn't then it needs to be reworded.

The second paragraph is too tell-y... I want to see the joy she felt. Did she whop for joy or was she laughing or giggling.

Something shifted on the ride in front of her. Hallie looked up. She could have sworn that a swan had moved. Now the muscles of a lion beside her seemed to ripple. Hallie rubbed her eyes. The lion bounded forward and she almost fell off of the elk, startled and afraid. All around her, the carousel animals were coming to life, their wooden features animated into fur and feathers.


'Hallie looked up' hardly needs to be there, if anything please reword it. When I see something out of the corner of my eye - especially when I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be - I turn so fast I nearly give myself whiplash. This sentence is too casual for the moment.

Okay amazing moment here! These animals are coming to life! Inanimate objects are moving. Please give more details. Also if I saw a lion come to life next to me I'd scream - I hardly ever scream - but in this case I'd scream. Anyone would. So why is she not screaming? If she's to scared to scream say that.

“Are you all right?” asked a voice.

Hallie looked forward and was once again startled. Where the elk’s head and rack had once been, now there was the upper body of a boy her age, albeit with the elk’s antlers on his head.

“Who...who are you?” Hallie asked, her mind not certain about what was happening.

“My name is Cervi,” the elk boy said. He bounded forward after the other animals. Hallie had to hold onto his waist to keep from falling off. “What is your name?”

“Hallie. What is happening here?”

“We have Awoken, for just a little while. Come, run with me, will you not? Though each Awakening fills me with happiness, the chance to share it with another gives me such great joy.”


Delete 'asked a voice'. & the next sentence sounds too calm again. The next bit is good, though I had to think about what a rack on an elk would be... you might want to do a comparison to a centaur here. It'd help with the imagery.

The rest is good.

Hallie was dumbfounded. How was she supposed to respond to all of this? All of these things were running around, and an elk centaur was basically asking her out on a date. So much, all so fast.

But, wasn’t this magic? She had wanted something magical. And she had indeed found it. Besides, Cervi was good looking enough. For a one night fling, he was perfect.

“Sure,” Hallie said, her face beaming with a smile.

Cervi returned the smile and bounded forward. Hallie smiled as he bore her among all the other magical creatures. Some had gained human torsos like her mount, others remained as they had been. But all were now definitely much alive and experiencing great joy at being able to run around the carousel of their own free will, rather than being bound to the whims of a man by a lever.


I only have two things I want to say about this bit:

1.) What other animals are on the carousel?

2.) How old is Hallie? At the beginning I think she's a kid, I mean how many teens break into a carousel? But this passage confuses me because a kid the age I was thinking of does not normally think about how cute a guy is.

The carousel music blared loud in her ears, but she did not care. She was too absorbed in the moment to care. All of this was so much more than she had wished for. It was perfect.

The music began to wind down and the animals began to slow their paces. A sigh of disappointment escaped Hallie’s lips. This was too soon. It couldn’t end now. It had only just begun. But Cervi came to a stop and she knew that it was over.

He turned back to her. “It was nice to have someone new to run with. Thank you, Hallie.”

Hallie nodded and got off of his back. “It was nice. I’m just sad it had to end.”

Cervi smiled. “Don’t worry. You’ll be here next Awakening.”

“There’s a next time?” Hallie’s voice was filled with hope. “When is that?”

But Cervi simply gave her a knowing smile and would not say more. So Hallie turned to leave. It pained her to do so. There was the promise of another opportunity like this though. That held enough magic in itself to keep her until then.


Add a 'when' between but and Cervi.

She tried to walk away, but got only a few steps. Then she found that her feet would not leave the ground. They were stuck, almost as if there was glue attached to them.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.

A glow appeared around her waist and warmth spread through her lower body like a flame. She gasped at this new sensation. The glow expanded and altered itself behind her until it resembled the lower half of Cervi’s body. Then it dissipated, and left Hallie with a shock. Instead of human legs, she now had the lower body of a doe.

“A hart is not complete without a hind,” Cervi said with satisfaction.

For a moment Hallie was speechless. Then she felt a chilling cold down in the bottoms of her new legs. She tried to move to alleviate it, but found that she was still stuck, and quite frozen. The chilled feeling spread up. The farther up it went, the more of her body she found unable to move. Then she understood. The cold was wood.

The cold reached her waist and she held her breath, hoping it would stop. But it kept going up. Hallie began to cry out as it crept up. She cried until the wood reached her lungs and she lost the ability to make any noise. All she could do then was silently scream, until even her mouth was overtaken by the chill of becoming wood. Then she was as still as all the other animals, one more fixture for the children to fight over for the right to ride during the day.


Change 'What's wrong?' to something else, 'what's wrong' is something you ask a friend when they look depressed.

The last thing I have to say (which I've said before) is add more detail! This last part is horrifying! Yet I can read it and hardly feel sorry for Hallie and that is not good.

Okay so overall, Add more detail! And remember the things I've mentioned above are mostly just suggestions. You don't have to follow them at all if you don't want to, just consider them please. =] And I'm saying that mostly because its really late and I tend to me more harsh and mean when it's late.

I did really love the story though, I loved the idea of a girl going out to a carousel at night having a magical time then it ends with a Twilight Zone sort of Horror. That's what this kinda reminds me of, but ten times better and a little less scary and more magical. =]

This review is 100x longer then I originally planned so, I hope this was helpful!

Keep writing!
DFTBA,

- Stevie
.:~|The Red Ink Emporium!|~:.
"What's the point of being grown-up if you can't act childish sometimes?"



Congratulations!
— Magestorrrow