[b] Sometimes i will lie and say that i'm perfectly okay. I'll say it doesn't matter, when of course, it does. Lies set my insides on fire. Am i mad at you, or me? A flutter of embaressment as you ignore my outstretched hand, but i'll just turn away and pretend it was apart of my plan. These things you do are confusing me. Do you like me, or are you using me? It follows me around like and angry cloud, these feelings you give me, they overwhelm. I don't want to tell you that i love you because what if you don't say it back? I guess i'll just wait for you to tell me how you feel when your ready for all that....[b]
First I'd click "edit" and change the format of this. Use the space bar to get onto a new line. I'd try something like this;
"Sometimes i will lie and say that i'm perfectly okay.
I'll say it doesn't matter, when of course, it does.
Lies set my insides on fire.
Am i mad at you, or me?
A flutter of embaressment
as you ignore my outstretched hand,
but i'll just turn away
and pretend it was apart of my plan.
These things you do are confusing me.
Do you like me, or are you using me?
It follows me around like and angry cloud,
these feelings you give me, they overwhelm.
I don't want to tell you that i love you
because what if you don't say it back?
I guess i'll just wait for you to tell me
how you feel when your ready for all that...."
I'd capitalize your "i"s. The final "your" should be "you're" (you are). If you're ever unsure about which one to use, think about whether it would make sense to say "you are". E.g;
"You're coat is on the hanger" is wrong, because that would be "You are coat it on the hanger", and "Your making me so angry!" is also wrong because it doesn't account for the missing a and e through an apostrophe.
"embaressment " is misspelled- before you post click the "check spelling" button above the box you type into and that will highlight misspellings. When you click on them, it will give you possible corrections.
This flows well as a whole, but instead of telling the reader that your speaker is lying and confused, I'd show them. How does eh or she move around the object of his or her affection? How is her love affecting her life?
The best advice I can give you is to read poetry. I'd recommend getting an anthology from your local library-that way you'll discover lots of styles of writing, and if you find a poet you love you can go look for their collection(s).
Hope this helps.
Jas
"Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." -Maya Angelou
Good poem. All you need to do is format your poem like Hart said above. Other than that, it had nice flow and emotion to it. I can relate to the first part and I bet a lot of other people can relate as well.
Keep Writing
"Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels;
only when the clock stops does time come to life."--William Faulkner
As Jasmine said, formatting would help this poem out a bit, because it would give it more of a poetic structure. However, I don't feel that adding line breaks will make this a poem, dear. It might pass as prose poetry, but I feel more that it's more like a journal/diary entry.
I would say that this sort of piece belongs either in nonfiction, or other, dear. It's not quite prose, and it's not quite poetry, but it is writing, and I assume that's what counts.
I cannot comment much on content here; it seems rather personal, as if we would have to know more about the scenario or the people in order to fully understand this. But, as I said on your other piece, you need to give us something to back this up and base this upon to make it stand out from all other love pieces and such.
Good luck writing, dear. Keep it up.
Juniper
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
