-Inconcessus- Nineteen

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Readers, you'll all be happy because I have lengthened this chapter to more than the last few. I liked writing this chapter because I was able to get more into the Gifts that I gave to the coven and such. The only problem I have is that I think the beginning can be tweaked... I just haven't figured out yet :? Any ideas?

Happy Reading!

_________________________

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Sophia?”
I nearly leaped out of my skin when I heard my name, clutching at my chest, wide-eyed. Michael, the orator, gave me a cursory glance and chuckled. “What’s gotten into you?”
I shook my head but the crazy thoughts kept circling. A Soren? No… he couldn’t be! And yet, all the signs were there.
But how?
“Oy! Sophia! Let’s get back to reality, shall we?”
My body gave a violent shudder and I met his gaze. “Sorry, I’m just kind of distracted today.”
“You’re telling me.” He paused, then, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. If I told Michael, it would send the whole coven into an uproar. I couldn’t afford to do that. Not now after Jasmine’s mysterious arrival and Ben returning. The things concerning Isaac would have to wait.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t investigate it on my own.
“Michael, would you mind coming into town with me later today. I wanna finish up some last minute shopping.”
He shrugged. “Sure. Just holler and I’ll be ready.”
I forced a smile. “Great. See you then.” I left him to his own dealings and headed inside. I avoided the masses, keeping to myself and forcing smiles when needed. Finally, I was able to escape to my room.
But low and behold, Elena had yet to leave. Curled up in the center of her mattress, legs crossed Indian-style, hands laying comfortably in her lap, she looked like a statue of a goddess, hair flowing around her head as if she was underwater. Though still in sweats and a ratty tee shirt, she never looked more stunning.
I couldn’t move, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Her own were closed and that’s when I noticed her that her lips were moving ever so softly, as if she was speaking to herself.
“Elena?” I spoke cautiously, taking a step towards her.
Her eyes flew open, sending me flying into the nearest wall, my head smacking hard against the wood beam hidden behind the plaster. Stars danced before my eyes as I slid to the floor with a thump.
“Oh god, Sophia!” Elena shrieked, still looking gracefully as she landed with one willowy movement to my side. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was you. I was too caught up in—“
“Stop!” I snapped. Her babbling was making my head hurt.
She promptly clamped her jaws together, sitting back on the heels of her feet, hands on her knees. I saw that her knuckles were white with tension, her eyes wary. After a moment of silence, I shifted and groaned when my head throbbed, the main nerve in my temples feeling as though it would burst at any moment.
“Here, let me help you.” She lifted me by my underarms and gingerly placed me on my bed. When her body was close to mine, I could smell the faint scent of pine cones and freshly-cut grass. This puzzled me, making the pain fade as I asked her what she had been doing.
She smiled wanly, as if the effort tired her. “I was meditating.”
I frowned, the action causing a fresh bout of pulsating shock waves to crash against my cranium. “Ugh,” I said out loud, resting my head against the bed’s backboard. When the pain once again faded, I spoke. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“I clear my head of all thoughts and center myself on the powers within me. As you already know, all the people in this coven is Gifted in one way or another. Mine is of the natural state, as I’ve told you before. When I meditate, I picture myself in a place of nature, like the beach at a briny sea or in the middle of a meadow with fresh wildflowers.”
“You were in a forest this time, weren’t you?” I blurted. She nodded, perplexed. I hurried to explain. “I smelled pine cones on you, and grass.”
She nodded knowingly. “When I let my mind be at peace, the effects can be more physical than mental.”
“So, why do you do this meditating thing?” My head was starting to pound again but I ignored it, wanting to know more.
“It helps me tone my energy. If I don’t do it daily, I loose that little bit of self-control I have over my powers. If I don’t meditate, I could brew a deadly storm just because I stained my new shirt. Generally, emotions play a big role in a Gifted person’s powers.”
“But I’ve never seen you do it before now.”
“That’s because I usually prefer privacy.” She winked. “I hadn’t expected anyone to come barging in on me without notice. Normally, I can sense when someone’s near and slowly come out of my meditative state. When you came in, I was shocked out of it.”
“Is that why I slammed into the wall?”
She smiled apologetically. “I hadn’t meant to do that to you. Sometimes the mind can be even more powerful than anyone realizes. I was concentrating so hard that when you came, I wanted to get you out of there as fast as I could. I guess, unconsciously, the only way to get rid of you was to push you out the door. And I did it a little harder than I should have. Sorry.”
I shrugged, wincing afterwards as it disturbed my head. “Don’t worry. I’ll live.” I heaved a sigh and then an idea came to mind. “You say your power is over nature, but if that’s true, how is it you could shove me against the wall. I thought only vampires with the telepathy skill were able to do that.”
“Like I said, the mind is a complicated thing. I still don’t know all of its workings, but Anita’s helping me. For what I know, you can sometimes channel raw energy or power and use it for your own will. My guess is that’s what happened. I used the energy that’s always around us to fuel my needs. Instinctively, of course.”
“Anita’s helping you?”
“Yes. She’s my mentor.”
“What is her Gift?”
I never found out, though, because a mass of bodies wormed their way into our room, all talking at once.
“What the hell was that sound?”
“Yeah, what’s going on?”
“Elena, what’s wrong with Sophia?”
The noise was making my head hurt and I squeezed my eyes shut against the blather. Elena must of took notice for I felt her body weight leave the bed and then her voice shouting for everyone to shut their traps.
Carmen’s voice was the next one I heard. “What happened?” he asked more calmly.
I could hear the embarrassment in Elena’s words. “I was meditating and Sophia came in and I panicked.” It was a shortened version but it served its purpose as I felt the group huddle around my bed. Cool fingers pricked at my forehead and my lids fluttered open to see Carmen’s half-smile as he met my gaze, white teeth flashing.
“You got quite a bump here,” he murmured as his fingers met their mark, air hissing between my teeth at his touch. “Sorry.” He took a step back and eyed me curiously. “Wait a minute. You just got back?”
I shifted uneasily, the Isaac issue slamming into me like a ton of bricks. But I couldn’t let the others know. Not yet. “Yeah, I went for a long run.” I wouldn’t meet his gaze and I knew Carmen saw my lie as clear as day.
“Really.” He crossed his arms over his chest, piercing the top of my head with his gaze.
“Really,” I said firmly, rolling off the bed with a groan. “I think I need to feed.”
“I’ll go with you. Besides, you said you wanted to go in town anyway,” Michael offered, presenting me his hand. I took it gratefully and he hauled me to my feet.
“Great. I’ll catch you all later then.” I left quickly, not allowing the others to question me further. My head still pounded but I hoped that with a little blood, it would disappear by morning.
“So, what was that all about?” Michael asked me later on our walk into town. We used a very slow human pace, pausing frequently to admire nature’s winter majesty.
I shrugged nonchalantly. “What was what?”
Michael frowned. “You know what I mean. All that deception. You have to know by know that Carmen thinks something’s up. You’re just making matters worse by not telling him.”
“Nothing’s going on, Mike.” My voice was set and he knew it was no use arguing with me.
“Fine, whatever. If you don’t wanna tell me, that’s your choice. Just know that Carmen’s going to go crazy wondering.”
“Let him go crazy. He needs to loosen up anyway.”
Michael laughed. “True t’at.” I raised my eyebrows at his words. “What? I’ve been watching a lot of MTV lately.” I let loose a genuine, pealing laugh that made Michael smile. It felt good to feel so at ease with someone and the rest of the walk consisted of Michael trying to imitate the rappers on the music videos, my loud laughter breaking the silent spell of the forest.
When we reached town, the reality of what I needed to do came crashing down on me, erasing the happiness from my face in one clean sweep. Michael didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were immediately drawn to a female form only a block away. She was dressed in a slinky black dress, stilettos, her hair pulled back in a messy up-do. Curvaceous with blood red lips, she caught Michael’s eye and threw him a wink.
I watched the transformation come over him from vampire to predator. His pupils widened until they appeared catlike, the color almost entirely disappearing. His body stiffened, shoulders hunched, with nails half a food long scratching his pant legs. I detected the aroma around him strengthen, feeling as though I was suddenly drenched in tree sap. The woman didn’t even notice. She was already under his spell, striding up to us in one smooth movement that dragged his eyes down her body in an intimate way.
Michael was always the one to pick his prey by sex appeal. By the way his eyes smoldered, even with their dilated pupils, I knew he was interested. Michael smiled an avaricious grin that sent shivers down my spin as the woman threw her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear things that made his smile widen.
“Come with me then, my lady,” he commanded, his voice like melted butter. The woman had no choice but to obey, draping herself over him as he led her away into an abandoned warehouse.
I rolled my eyes. It had been easier than I thought, getting rid of him. Now I was free to investigate Isaac more, though I had no idea how. Navigating the streets, I stumbled upon the same small antique shop I had been in before. I couldn’t stop myself from taking a quick peek inside and, inevitably, whom did I see but the form of a lanky, chestnut brown-haired, blue-eyed fellow leaning up against the counter as the cashier wrapped his purchase.
It was too easy to find this guy. It was like I didn’t even have to try. Hiding discreetly among a stand of novelty sweaters, I watched him talk. He was smiling, something I was beginning to be familiar with. The indentations in his cheeks were pronounced as he laughed at something the woman said. I was too busy watching him to hear anything else.
His hair was jaggedly cut across his forehead and light stubble etched along his jaw line. Half-moons lined his colorful eyes and his figure seemed to sag. He was exhausted, that was apparent. But why?
“Well, thank you, Lucy. I’ll see you later.”
“You take care, Isaac,” the woman called as the boy tromped from the store, his gait easy and loping as his long legs took one stride while mine took two.
I followed him at a distance, able to be nearly three blocks behind without losing him, my eyesight faultless in the fading light. His destination was instantly evident—the small house on the corner of First and Rosemary Alley. It was an older Colonial home with its own holly wreath and mistletoe hanging from the eaves. Michael would gag with disgust if he saw the lights strewn across the front porch and a blown up Santa Clause on the front lawn. He had never been one to understand human holidays with their false cheer and annoying lights that blinked to the tune ‘O Christmas Tree. I thought it hypocritical, however, because our house was just as decorated with our own tree with ornaments in the living room with presents at its base.
Shrugging, I quickened my pace, watching as Isaac reached the house and let him in with a key hidden beneath the corner of a rug that stated “Home is where the Heart is” in big red letters, kittens chasing each other around the edges. Must be his mother’s, I thought, remembering the robust woman I had met in the hospital. She seemed like the kind of woman who would like cats and home rugs on the front steps.
When I knew he was safely inside, I paused, leaning against the nearest building. Now what do I do? It was clear I couldn’t just barge right in, demanding answers. But I also couldn’t stand here, doing nothing. I needed to do something.
Before I could change my mind, I waltzed up to the front door and rang the doorbell. I just prayed this was the right decision.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey ash,

This chapter was cool. We got to learn about the gifted vampires.

now on the romance part, I tortally feel a love triangle between Iaasc, Sophia and Michael coming on. I don't know if you want that or not. It's probaly me, because you want Michael and Sophia to be friends, right?

Well, I am glad at least one of us is working on our story. I am strumped on mine. I guess i will have to read some vampires book or something.

well, pm me when you post again.

see ya around

NM.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Yeesh! I've been off the site for six days. Good thing I decided to get on today!

Anyways, Hey Ash!

Not now, after Jasmine’s mysterious arrival and Ben returning.


There should be a comma there.
Curled up in the center of her mattress, legs crossed Indian-style, hands laying comfortably in her lap, she looked like a statue of a goddess, hair flowing around her head as if she was underwater.


I love this sentence!
Her own were closed and that’s when I noticed her that her lips were moving ever so softly, as if she was speaking to herself.


It should be: Her own were closed and that's when I noticed that her lips were moving ever so softly, as if she were speaking to herself.
I clear my head of all thoughts and center myself on the powers within me. As you already know, all the people in this coven is Gifted in one way or another.


I don't like the underlined sentence, but I haven't any suggestions on how I would reword it. It just seems telly. But that 'is' should be an 'are'
You know what I mean. All that deception. You have to know by know that Carmen thinks something’s up. You’re just making matters worse by not telling him.


know should be 'now'
His body stiffened, shoulders hunched, with nails half a food long scratching his pant legs.


food should be 'foot'

Why, Ash, why?! I was really getting into this and ended like this! Oh well, I guess I have to learn to be patient. This was really good and the dialogue as always was great. Michael is adorable. I love how he says he's been watching way too much MTV. Great characterization.

This book deserves to be published!

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Hey, ashleylee! I noticed this chapter right when I came onto the website and spent the better part of my day reading the whole entire story from the preface to the last chapter, so I figured that I might as well comment on it.
First of all: I love your writing overall. I love the way that you can get Sophia's emotions to show so clearly; I love the way that you have the characters interact with one another; I love the way that every character has an individual personality. Usually, when I'm reading stuff online, I have to go back and forth to see which character is which and who did what, because they all seem to blend into one another, but I didn't have any problem with this story.
Second of all: I like critiquing, so I'm just going to point out a few things that you probably just missed while you were proofreading.
“Oh god, Sophia!” Elena shrieked, still looking gracefully as she landed with one willowy movement to my side.

The 'gracefully' is supposed to be 'graceful,' and I'm pretty sure that the 'to' is supposed to be 'at,' so it would be like, '... still looking graceful as she landed with one willowy movement at my side,' but there are a number of ways that you could change the wording to make the 'to' work.
After a moment of silence, I shifted and groaned when my head throbbed, the main nerve in my temples feeling as though it would burst at any moment.

I'm pretty sure that it's either supposed to be '... main nerve in my temple...' or '... main nerves in my temples...' here.
As you already know, all the people in this coven is Gifted in one way or another.

'Are' gifted, not 'is' gifted.
“You say your power is over nature, but if that’s true, how is it you could shove me against the wall.

You need a question mark there, instead of a period.
Elena must of took notice for I felt her body weight leave the bed and then her voice shouting for everyone to shut their traps.

I'm pretty sure that, here, it's supposed to be 'have taken' instead of 'of took,' so that it would look like, 'Elena must have taken notice for I felt...'
His body stiffened, shoulders hunched, with nails half a food long scratching his pant legs.

You need 'foot' here, not 'food.'
That's all that I noticed. But I just want to say, once again, that your writing is awesome. And it's not even because I have an odd obsession with vampires, werewolves, and all thing supernatural (DON'T JUDGE ME!); it's mainly because your writing is so different than what I usually read. You've got a real talent, ashleylee.
Anywho. I really hate Carmen, more than I even hate Nora, and I'm not even sure of the reason. I think it's just because he's throwing so many mixed emotions at Sophia, and because he's always trying to get back onto her good side. He just annoys me in general... I like Michael, though. He's frigging hilarious, and I would love to see him trying to imitate Eminem :D .
I'm a bit confused, however... what in the name of Wonderbread is a 'Soren'? Is an actual mythological creature, or am I going to just have to keep reading to find out more about it?
As for how you're saying that you think that the beginning can be tweaked a little bit... without getting rid of the main idea, I'm just going to suggest that you show that Sophia is still running when she gets back to the cottage, and Michael yells out to her, 'Sophia! What's wrong?' or something like that. That still gives you the chance to have all of those crazy thoughts circling around inside of her head, but it might make her look a little bit more shocked/scared/nervous when she comes into the yard. Just a suggestion...
Any-a-ways. Keep writing! I want to read more of this. :)
Spoiler
I don't care if Yuuki is a Kuran. She belongs with Zero. End of story. That would leave Ruka free to be with Kaname, and I could have Kain all to myself.




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Hi, Ash! Yay, another chapter! Who-hoo!

“Sophia?”
I nearly leaped out of my skin when I heard my name, clutching at my chest, wide-eyed. Michael, the orator, gave me a cursory glance and chuckled. “What’s gotten into you?” (Not so sure about this underlined part. To me, it seems a little bit of an overreaction. Her jumping at the sound of her name seems perfect, but I don't like the other part.)
I shook my head but the crazy thoughts kept circling. A Soren? No… he couldn’t be! And yet, all the signs were there.
But how?
“Oy! Sophia! Let’s get back to reality, shall we?”
My body gave a violent shudder and I met [s]his[/s] Michael's gaze. “Sorry, I’m just kind of distracted today.”
“You’re telling me.” He paused; then, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. If I told Michael, it would send the whole coven into an uproar. I couldn’t afford to do that. Not [s]now[/s] after Jasmine’s mysterious arrival and Ben's [s]returning[/s] return. [s]The things[/s] My problems concerning Isaac would have to wait.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t investigate it on my own. (Right here, she ups and asks Michael to take her into town, but she never answered his question. I think you should put, "No thanks, Michael," after "I squeezed my eyes shut.")
“Michael, would you mind coming into town with me later today? I wanna finish up some last minute shopping.”
He shrugged. “Sure. Just holler and I’ll be ready.”
I forced a smile. “Great. See you then.” I left him to his own dealings and headed inside. I avoided the masses (of people?), keeping to myself and [s]forcing smiles[/s] smiling when needed. Finally, I was able to escape to my room.
But low and behold,I would not be alone. Elena had yet to leave. Curled up in the center of her mattress, legs crossed Indian-style, hands laying comfortably in her lap, she looked like a statue of a goddess, hair flowing around her head as if she was underwater. Though still in sweats and a ratty tee shirt, she never looked more stunning. (Great description here! :D )
I couldn’t move, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Her own eyes were closed and [s]that’s when[/s] then I noticed her that her lips were moving ever so softly, as if she was speaking to herself.
“Elena?” I spoke cautiously, taking a step towards her.
Her eyes flew open, sending me flying into the nearest wall, my head smacking hard against the wood beam hidden behind the plaster. Stars danced before my eyes as I slid to the floor with a thump. (After reading through this whole chapter, this part I think is not worded well enough. In the later conversation with Sophia and Elena, Elena makes it seem like some force of braking out of her mediation forced Sophia back, but here it makes it seem like Sophia was just startled by Elena's opening eyes. I think you ought to clear that up.)
“Oh God, Sophia!” Elena shrieked, still [s]looking gracefully[/s] graceful as she landed with one willowy movement to my side. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize it was you. I was too caught up in—“
“Stop!” I snapped, annoyed and aching. Her babbling was making my head hurt.
She promptly clamped her jaws together, sitting back on the heels of her feet, hands on her knees. I saw that her knuckles were white with tension, her eyes wary. After a moment of silence, I shifted and groaned when my head throbbed, the [s]main[/s] nerves in my temples feeling as though [s]it[/s] they would burst at any moment.
“Here, let me help you.” She lifted me by my underarms and gingerly placed me on my bed. When her body was close to mine, I could smell the faint scent of pine cones and freshly-cut grass. This puzzled me, making the pain fade as I asked her what she had been doing.
She smiled wanly, as if the effort tired her. “I was meditating.”
I frowned, the action causing a fresh bout of pulsating shock waves to crash against my cranium. “Ugh,” I said out loud, resting my head against the bed’s backboard. When the pain once again faded, I spoke. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“I clear my head of all thoughts and center myself on the powers within me. As you already know, all the people in this coven is Gifted in one way or another. Mine is of the natural state, as I’ve told you before. When I meditate, I picture myself in a place of nature, like the beach at a briny sea or in the middle of a meadow with fresh wildflowers.”
“You were in a forest this time, weren’t you?” I blurted. She nodded, perplexed. I hurried to explain. “I smelled pine cones on you, and grass.”
She nodded knowingly. “When I let my mind be at peace, the effects can be more physical than mental.”
“So, why do you do this meditating thing?” My head was starting to pound again but I ignored it, wanting to know more.
“It helps me tone my energy. If I don’t do it daily, I loose that little bit of self-control I have over my powers. If I don’t meditate, I could brew a deadly storm just because I stained my new shirt. Generally, emotions play a big role in a Gifted person’s powers.”
“But I’ve never seen you do it before now.”
“That’s because I usually prefer privacy.” She winked. “I hadn’t expected anyone to come barging in on me without notice. Normally, I can sense when someone’s near and slowly come out of my meditative state. When you came in, I was shocked out of it.”
“Is that why I slammed into the wall?”
She smiled apologetically. “I hadn’t meant to do that to you. Sometimes the mind can be even more powerful than anyone realizes. I was concentrating so hard that when you came, I wanted to get you out of there as fast as I could. I guess, unconsciously, the only way to get rid of you was to push you out the door. And I did it a little harder than I should have. Sorry.”
I shrugged, wincing afterwards as it disturbed my head. “Don’t worry. I’ll live.” I heaved a sigh and then an idea came to mind. “You say your power is over nature, but if that’s true, how is it you could shove me against the wall? I thought only vampires with the telepathy skill were able to do that.”
“Like I said, the mind is a complicated thing. I still don’t know all of its workings, but Anita’s helping me. For what I know, you can sometimes channel raw energy or power and use it for your own will. My guess is that’s what happened. I used the energy that’s always around us to fuel my needs. Instinctively, of course.”
“Anita’s helping you?”
“Yes. She’s my mentor.”
“What is her Gift?”
I never found out, though, because a mass of bodies - mostly disgruntled males - wormed their way into our room, all talking at once.



Gotta go. Remind me to finish this. (I'm never finishing my reviews, am I?) :lol:

~Sunny




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YAY! Another chapter! :D

Just to let you know how much I truly love this story, i want to tell you a little story of my own.
Today, I got my driving permit, I played field hockey and did so well I was carried off the field by my team mates, and my mom made my favorite for dinner tonight. Would you like to know what made my day? Correct! Logging on and seeing that you had PMed me with a brand new chapter!!! :P
That says something, it says that this is begging to be published!

Okay, on to the actual review! :wink:

I see that the nit picks have already been taken care of and as I am not so fantastic in the grammar department I see no point in going over them again.

I love the part that Elena is meditating. You describe her so well and we get to find out for about the vampires gifts. This leaves me to wonder...does Sophia have a gift? I know this has probably already crossed everyone else's minds but, hey, I'm slow on the uptake! :roll:

I agree with angel of death, Michael's character is awesome. I love that you give him the little bit with MTV...it just sounds like something a vampire would truly do, to try and keep up with the times and such. Great comic relief right there.

Oh goodness...
You certainly know how to keep the readers at the edges of their seat, don't you?

I. Want. To. Know. What. A. Soren. Is. :evil:

What else can I say? I thought it was a solidly good chapter with all that good filling in stuff readers need right before a big bomb drops, like say, finding out what a Soren is.
Just an observation.

You write superbly and no matter how many times I say it really never gets old.
I hope to be reading another chapter very soon! :)

PM again? Please and Thank you!

Oh, I also feel like I should make it no secret, great job=gold star! yay! :D
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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If I told Michael, it would send the whole coven into an uproar.
Expand a little on that: why would it turn the whole coven into an uproar? How are Sorens linked to vampires (if you get what I mean)?

Curled up in the center of her mattress, legs crossed Indian-style, hands laying comfortably in her lap, she looked like a statue of a goddess, hair flowing around her head as if she was underwater.
That’s quite a long run-on sentence – try and make it into two? Nice descriptions by the way (:

I couldn’t move, unable to tear my eyes away from her
Why is your MC suddenly frozen and unable to stop looking at her? Try and expand on this a little.

Elena shrieked, still looking gracefully
graceful

I frowned, the action causing a fresh bout of pulsating shock waves to crash against my cranium.
Ooh, nice (:

“You say your power is over nature, but if that’s true, how is it you could shove me against the wall.
You need a question mark on the end there.

You have to know by [s]k[/s]now that Carmen thinks

His body stiffened, shoulders hunched, with nails half a food long
I’m guessing you meant foot? Were you hungry whilst writing this by any chance? :wink: =P

Michael smiled an avaricious grin that sent shivers down my spin
spine

He was smiling, something I was beginning to be familiar with.
become

“Well, thank you, Lucy. I’ll see you later.”
:O That’s my name!! I feel privileged :wink: :D

our house was just as decorated with our own tree with ornaments in the living room with presents at its base.
This sounds slightly awkward – try and rephrase (:

Shrugging, I quickened my pace, watching as Isaac reached the house and let him in
himself


--Ooh, I can’t wait to read more and see what happens between her and Isaac!! (:

--Firstly, however, I have a few (only two :wink: ) points to make:

1. At the beginning of the chapter, you need to have just a little bit of scenery description so that we know where your MC is. Not a lot, just enough so it can remind us of the previous chapter. You’ve got to remember that we don’t read your chapters (as much as we’d love to =D ) one after another, so we can forget little details like that, so a little re-cap at the start of the chapter would be good, as all I was thinking was where is she? I’ve forgotten!! =P

2. And secondly, she needed to feed, right? I remember from the previous chapter she was feeling a little run down, and then you say her and Michael go on the hunt for food, but your MC doesn’t mention once about her physical need for blood. Just something I thought you should think about (:

--Otherwise, another great chapter, Ash and I really can’t wait to read on and see what happens between her and Isaac *excited*!! :D I hope this review helped out, and if you have any questions or anything, as always, PM me!! (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucy-lu xx

P.S. i really enjoyed this chapter, and I think it's definitely one of your best (along with the majority of them haha =P) so gold star *clicks the button happily*!! =D
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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[spoiler]

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“Sophia?”

I nearly leaped out of my skin when I heard my name, clutching at my chest, wide-eyed. Michael, the orator, gave me a cursory glance and chuckled. “What’s gotten into you?”

I shook my head, but the crazy thoughts kept circling. A Soren? No… he couldn’t be! And yet, all the signs were there.

But how?

“Oy! Sophia! Let’s get back to reality, shall we?”

My body gave a violent shudder and I met his gaze. “Sorry, I’m just kind of distracted today.”

“You’re telling me.” He paused, then, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. If I told Michael, it would send the whole coven into an uproar. I couldn’t afford to do that. Not now after Jasmine’s mysterious arrival and Ben returning. The things concerning Isaac would have to wait.

But that didn’t mean I couldn’t investigate it on my own.

“Michael, would you mind coming into town with me later today. I wanna finish up some last minute shopping.”

He shrugged. “Sure. Just holler and I’ll be ready.”

I forced a smile. “Great. See you then.” I left him to his own dealings and headed inside. I avoided the masses, keeping to myself and forcing smiles when needed. Finally, I was able to escape to my room.

But low and behold, Elena had yet to leave. Curled up in the center of her mattress, legs crossed Indian-style, hands laying comfortably in her lap, she looked like a statue of a goddess, hair flowing around her head as if she was underwater. Though still in sweats and a ratty tee shirt, she never looked more stunning.

I couldn’t move, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Her own were closed and that’s when I noticed her that her lips were moving ever so softly, as if she was speaking to herself.

“Elena?” I spoke cautiously, taking a step towards her.

Her eyes flew open, sending me flying into the nearest wall, my head smacking hard against the wood beam hidden behind the plaster. Stars danced before my eyes as I slid to the floor with a thump.

“Oh god, Sophia!” Elena shrieked, still looking gracefully as she landed with one willowy movement to my side. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was you. I was too caught up in—“

“Stop!” I snapped. Her babbling was making my head hurt.

She promptly clamped her jaws together, sitting back on the heels of her feet, hands on her knees. I saw that her knuckles were white with tension, her eyes wary. After a moment of silence, I shifted and groaned when my head throbbed, the main nerve in my temples feeling as though it would burst at any moment.

“Here, let me help you.” She lifted me by my underarms and gingerly placed me on my bed. When her body was close to mine, I could smell the faint scent of pine cones and freshly-cut grass. This puzzled me, making the pain fade as I asked her what she had been doing.

She smiled wanly, as if the effort tired her. “I was meditating.”

I frowned, the action causing a fresh bout of pulsating shock waves to crash against my cranium. “Ugh,” I said out loud, resting my head against the bed’s backboard. When the pain once again faded, I spoke. “And what exactly does that mean?”

“I clear my head of all thoughts and center myself on the powers within me. As you already know, all the people in this coven are Gifted in one way or another. Mine is of the natural state, as I’ve told you before. When I meditate, I picture myself in a place of nature, like the beach at a briny sea or in the middle of a meadow with fresh wildflowers.”

“You were in a forest this time, weren’t you?” I blurted. She nodded, perplexed. I hurried to explain. “I smelled pine cones on you, and grass.”

She nodded knowingly. “When I let my mind be at peace, the effects can be more physical than mental.”

“So, why do you do this meditating thing?” My head was starting to pound again; but I ignored it, wanting to know more.

“It helps me tone my energy. If I don’t do it daily, I lo[s]o[/s]se that little bit of self-control I have over my powers. If I don’t meditate, I could brew a deadly storm just because I stained my new shirt. Generally, emotions play a big role in a Gifted person’s powers.”

“But I’ve never seen you do it before now.”

“That’s because I usually prefer privacy,” She winked. “I hadn’t expected anyone to come barging in on me without notice. Normally, I can sense when someone’s near and slowly come out of my meditative state. When you came in, I was shocked out of it.”

“Is that why I slammed into the wall?”

She smiled apologetically. “I hadn’t meant to do that to you. Sometimes the mind can be even more powerful than anyone realizes. I was concentrating so hard that when you came, I wanted to get you out of there as fast as I could. I guess, unconsciously, the only way to get rid of you was to push you out the door. And I did it a little harder than I should have. Sorry.”

I shrugged, wincing afterwards as it disturbed my head. “Don’t worry. I’ll live.” I heaved a sigh and then an idea came to mind. “You say your power is over nature, but if that’s true, how is it you could shove me against the wall. I thought only vampires with the telepathy skill were able to do that.”

“Like I said, the mind is a complicated thing. I still don’t know all of its workings, but Anita’s helping me. For what I know, you can sometimes channel raw energy or power and use it for your own will. My guess is that’s what happened. I used the energy that’s always around us to fuel my needs. Instinctively, of course.”

“Anita’s helping you?”

“Yes. She’s my mentor.”

“What is her Gift?”

I never found out, though, because a mass of bodies wormed their way into our room, all talking at once.

“What the hell was that sound?”

“Yeah, what’s going on?”

“Elena, what’s wrong with Sophia?”

The noise was making my head hurt and I squeezed my eyes shut against the blather. Elena must’ve taken notice, for I felt her body weight leave the bed and then her voice shouting for everyone to shut their traps.

Carmen’s voice was the next one I heard, “What happened?” he asked more calmly.

I could hear the embarrassment in Elena’s words, “I was meditating and Sophia came in and I panicked.” It was a shortened version, but it served its purpose as I felt the group huddle around my bed. Cool fingers pricked at my forehead and my lids fluttered open to see Carmen’s half-smile as he met my gaze, white teeth flashing.

“You got quite a bump here,” he murmured as his fingers met their mark, air hissing between my teeth at his touch. “Sorry.” He took a step back and eyed me curiously. “Wait a minute. You just got back?”

I shifted uneasily, the Isaac issue slamming into me like a ton of bricks. But I couldn’t let the others know. Not yet. “Yeah, I went for a long run.” I wouldn’t meet his gaze and I knew Carmen saw my lie as clear as day.

“Really.” He crossed his arms over his chest, piercing the top of my head with his gaze.

“Really,” I said firmly, rolling off the bed with a groan. “I think I need to feed.”

“I’ll go with you. Besides, you said you wanted to go in town anyway,” Michael offered, presenting me his hand. I took it gratefully and he hauled me to my feet.

“Great. I’ll catch you all later then.” I left quickly, not allowing the others to question me further. My head still pounded, but I hoped that with a little blood, it would disappear by morning.

“So, what was that all about?” Michael asked me later on our walk into town. We used a very slow human pace, pausing frequently to admire nature’s winter majesty.

I shrugged nonchalantly. “What was what?”

Michael frowned. “You know what I mean. All that deception. You have to know by [s]know[/s] that Carmen thinks something’s up. You’re just making matters worse by not telling him.”

“Nothing’s going on, Mike.” My voice was set and he knew it was no use arguing with me.

“Fine, whatever. If you don’t wanna tell me, that’s your choice. Just know that Carmen’s going to go crazy wondering.”

“Let him go crazy. He needs to loosen up, anyway.”

Michael laughed, “True t’at,” I raised my eyebrows at his words. “What? I’ve been watching a lot of MTV lately.” I let loose a genuine, pealing laugh that made Michael smile. It felt good to feel so at ease with someone and the rest of the walk consisted of Michael trying to imitate the rappers on the music videos, my loud laughter breaking the silent spell of the forest.

When we reached town, the reality of what I needed to do came crashing down on me, erasing the happiness from my face in one clean sweep. Michael didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were immediately drawn to a female form only a block away. She was dressed in a slinky black dress, stilettos, her hair pulled back in a messy up-do. Curvaceous with blood red lips, she caught Michael’s eye and threw him a wink.

I watched the transformation come over him from vampire to predator. His pupils widened until they appeared catlike, the color almost entirely disappearing. His body stiffened, shoulders hunched, with nails half a foot long scratching his pant legs. I detected the aroma around him strengthen, feeling as though I was suddenly drenched in tree sap. The woman didn’t even notice. She was already under his spell, striding up to us in one smooth movement that dragged his eyes down her body in an intimate way.

Michael was always the one to pick his prey by sex appeal. By the way his eyes smoldered, even with their dilated pupils, I knew he was interested. Michael smiled an avaricious grin that sent shivers down my spine as the woman threw her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear things that made his smile widen.

“Come with me then, my lady,” he commanded, his voice like melted butter. The woman had no choice but to obey, draping herself over him as he led her away into an abandoned warehouse.

I rolled my eyes. It had been easier than I thought, getting rid of him. Now I was free to investigate Isaac more, though I had no idea how. Navigating the streets, I stumbled upon the same small antique shop I had been in before. I couldn’t stop myself from taking a quick peek inside and, inevitably, whom did I see but the form of a lanky, chestnut brown-haired, blue-eyed fellow leaning up against the counter as the cashier wrapped his purchase.

It was too easy to find this guy. It was like I didn’t even have to try. Hiding discreetly among a stand of novelty sweaters, I watched him talk. He was smiling, something I was beginning to be familiar with. The indentations in his cheeks were pronounced as he laughed at something the woman said. I was too busy watching him to hear anything else.

His hair was jaggedly cut across his forehead and light stubble etched along his jaw line. Half-moons lined his colorful eyes and his figure seemed to sag. He was exhausted, that was apparent. But why?

“Well, thank you, Lucy. I’ll see you later.”

“You take care, Isaac,” the woman called as the boy tromped from the store, his gait easy and loping as his long legs took one stride while mine took two.

I followed him at a distance, able to be nearly three blocks behind without losing him, my eyesight faultless in the fading light. His destination was instantly evident—the small house on the corner of First and Rosemary Alley. It was an older Colonial home with its own holly wreath and mistletoe hanging from the eaves. Michael would gag with disgust if he saw the lights strewn across the front porch and a blown up Santa Clause on the front lawn. He had never been one to understand human holidays with their false cheer and annoying lights that blinked to the tune ‘O Christmas Tree. I thought it hypocritical, however, because our house was just as decorated with our own tree with ornaments in the living room and presents at its base.

Shrugging, I quickened my pace, watching as Isaac reached the house and let himself in with a key hidden beneath the corner of a rug that stated “Home is where the Heart is” in big red letters, kittens chasing each other around the edges. Must be his mother’s, I thought, remembering the robust woman I had met in the hospital. She seemed like the kind of woman who would like cats and home rugs on the front steps.

When I knew he was safely inside, I paused, leaning against the nearest building. Now what do I do? It was clear I couldn’t just barge right in, demanding answers. But I also couldn’t stand here, doing nothing. I needed to do something.

Before I could change my mind, I waltzed up to the front door and rang the doorbell. I just prayed this was the right decision.


[/spoiler]

Ohh, I liked this chapter.
Going deeper into the whole "Gifted" thing was interested, and i like how you've made that about your vampys unique.

You obviously left me hungering for twenty and whatever Sophia'll do next.

Michael. In a way hilarous, in another way made me go T_T. Men.
Not a bad thing, though. No no. Realistc, though, sadly.

One recommendation - use italics for thoughts, makes it less confusing, and doesn't make it seem like your tenses are disagreeing, which is something i finde unbearably annoying for some reason.

Otherwiseee, again great chapter, lemme know about the next!!

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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This is good. I didn't really notice much wrong. Just a few little errors that are easily made while writing. Nothing too harmful. Those will be in the attachment.

Anyway, I was wondering... are you going to tell us what a Soren is in the next chapter? I really want to know what it is. It's bugging me. lol.

Anyway, that's it.
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Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight