This Night Is Ours

This is for kamasgirl95's contest. Take it as you will.

This Night Is Ours

I curl to your warmth,
and you hold me tight.
My tenseness is eased
as we lay here this night.

‘Twas such a long day—
and yet we’re still here.
I’m glad we could share
today’s only cheer.

Tomorrow will come,
and the sun will rise.
We’ll have to part
‘til dusk’s dimming skies.

Stay here until then—
I’ll know if you’re gone.
With you I will lay
after just one yawn.

So hold me close now
for these next eight hours.
No one will enter;
this night is ours.

Upon your feathers,
I lay my head.
My body’s at rest
upon this bed.

I've said this before and I'm sure I'm going to end up saying it for the rest of today; abbreviating is always good, helps maintain the flow of the poem. In the third stanza, I feel that it would have been better if you had abbreviated the "we will" to we'll, advice not criticism (I hope) It was nice, nice to read and just generally nice. I enjoyed reading it

Hi Jabberoomba,

Just returning the favor for all the critiques you've given me.

JabberHut wrote:I curl to your warmth,
and you hold me tight.
My tenseness is eased
as we lay here this night.

This already sounds like a bad romance novel. You can do better than a generic description of human warmth and "holding someone tight", which is about the most boring and cliched description of two people resting together that I've encountered. Strike both of those opening lines and re-create it into ones that are actually a little original.

I have a problem with the third line. It's unnecessary; you say that the tenseness is eased, but...what else can be eased? Someone who's already at ease doesn't need to be eased, so any reader who's not an idiot will surmise that the person was tense in the past. I hope that makes sense; in any case, just say "I'm eased" or something because right now you're stuffing too many useless words down the reader's throat, and he's starting to choke.

‘Twas such a long day—
and yet we’re still here.
I’m glad we could share
today’s only cheer.

"'Twas"? Are you...trying to be humorous? Please change it to an actual word or words. And why the hypen? It doesn't do anything and pausing between that and the second line isn't very effective.

Being glad is such a disappointing understatement. "Glad"? That's really your only feeling? If I were the person next to you, I'd get up and leave immediately.

Tomorrow will come,
and the sun will rise.
We will have to part
‘til dusk’s dimming skies.

Again, stop the half-wording. Just say "until", and if that messes with the syllables of the line, alter some other part of the line to make it fit.

Remain firm until then—

Since younger users will probably be reading this, I won't say anything else.

I’ll know if you’re gone.
With you I will lay
after just one yawn.

That last line doesn't even make sense. Are you implying that you're bored by his company? Whatever the reason, it's an odd line and needs to be changed because it's not really saying anything at this point.

So hold me close now
for these next eight hours.
No one will enter;
this night is ours.

Quantifying the exact time doesn't feel romantic at all. Would you say to someone, "Let's kiss for the next three minutes and twenty-seven seconds"? No. No, you wouldn't. That goes for this awkward line as well, so take it out and put in something a little more abstract.

Upon your feathers,
I lay my head.
My body’s at rest;
my limbs are spread.

This is my bed.

Waaaah. You're so mean.

The last line is really cheesy. It makes the whole poem sound like a stand-up comedian's joke; well, it is a joke, but to elevate the effect, you should merge that very last line with the stanza above it. Something like "my limbs spread upon this bed". It will still be a little ambiguous but the true meaning will click for more intelligent readers. And even then, they'll wonder whether it really is literally a bed that you're sleeping on or is it just a metaphorized description of something else...

I was going to say some bad things about your rhyme scheme, but considering the light-hearted nature of the poem, the rhyme is just childish enough to work. So...good job on that, I guess, although I don't like to admit that ABAB rhyme actually can be decent once in a while.

Overall, this is a worthless poem, but you didn't mean for it to be very profound or stick in the reader's mind after he's read through it once. It'll just go through one ear and out the other like any other, but I have a feeling you knew that already. It's decent for what it is.

Hope that helped.

Jabbers --

I don't know...I can't really say I'm much of a fan of this poem. It has at least two of the three things I do not like in poetry -- a rhyme scheme and boring language (the third shall remain undisclosed ). But I can't critisize you on the rhyme scheme, as my abhorrence of them is purely opinion.

Honestly, I felt kind of sleepy after I read this -- and not for the right reasons. Nothing about this piece stands out. You incorporate no imagery, there are no fireworks, and the tension is dead. You set yourself before us, deliver your point as simply as possible, and then you leave. There is no complexity. You treat the english language and poetry here as a vessel, as an object, instead of a living, breathing, dynamic entity that swirls to shape its own pictures and feelings and smells and tastes at your command. You bored me.

There is not an exciting noun or verb or adjective in the poem. Not a one. They are plain and gray and they sink readily into the background. You leave, "I curl to your warmth" -- which is potentially a great lead-in for a simile or metaphor, naked and neglected. Imagine -- "I curl to your warmth like an aging petal" or "I curl to your warmth like a dog curls up at the harth". Something like that. The whole point of poetry is to convey an old feeling in a new way. Say these things uniquely! Step outside your mental bounds. Treat those words as roughly as you'd like! Throw them around! Spit them out! I want to see passion and feeling bleed from every letter.

Throw it out, I'd say. And I say it in the nicest way possible. I guess I just want to see some excitement...

-Kylan

I really like the way you present your poem.
I find this a cute one!

Just so you know ... I'm not very good at writing reviews! So Please don't be offended or annoyed that I didn't write much.

I Like the way you have layed out this poem.

I curl to your warmth,
and you hold me tight.
My tenseness is eased
as we lay here this night.

^^This is My favorite verse of the poem because it's soft , warm and romantic. All of the further emotions in this poem evolve from this one verse.

So hold me close now
for these next eight hours.
No one will enter;
this night is ours.

^^ This is the only verse that has a minor problem with it in my opinion and even then it's only the second line.
I would have shortened the second line of this verse to " The next eight hours" .
Just purely because it flows better and it's easier for the reader to understand.


Hope this helps
Lorna
Xxx