Missing..

well, at least I think that's what I'm calling this. I can't title things to save my life. Basically, I've been in a major writing slump, and am determined to get out of it. This is where you all come in. Tear this to pieces. please. there are references that I dont think work, but can't find a way around, so any thoughts there would be greatly appreciated, as would ones concerning certain lines and their utter horridity/uselessness.



you missed what was right in front of you.
sixty hours over 7/8 days
friends made over bad jokes and coffee
(the best in the breakfast line)

four pm, no one there
candy bars and fake smiles only go so far
until even mindless chatter of trombones
and his latest "move" fill the abyss.

technology left behind
shotty phone lines and bad connections
imitations of fake tv; stuart, milkshakes, cits's
you laughed from six till nine but in your mind
you cried for late-night chats

that went from dusk to dawn
the alarm went off, and poof, all a dream.

This has a good rythm, and I can almost sense a beat here, but I had trouble understanding the point to it. I feel the last line could use a little work, because it kind of breaks away from the pre established pattern, but there isn't enough of a pattern for a break like that to be effective. It seems to be in its own little world.

Why does this not have more reviews? Gorgeous, Bek. I think "shotty" might actually be "shoddy," but other than that, I really love this poem. It's got a great rhythm and flow, and the content is original and creatively expressed. Five stars, definitely. ^_^

*claps*
That was cool, and original!!! I can't seem to pull off original... *stares into space*
Oh yeah. The review.
No editing needed, I think it's perfect. ^_~

I like this! How is this bad?

I did like this a whole lot, the fact that it had no punctuation or capitalization really worked for this. Although, I didn't like the last stanza. It seems so simple and bland compared to the rest of the poem--it just disappointed me. "poof, it was a dream" it just doesn't fit with the rest of it.


Otherwise, I have nothing to hack at. ^_^

I really don't know what you are so worried about... the poem is fabulous! But I have to admit (and God, I must sound like a parrot here!) that I really did not like the last two lines... The poem starts strong but then finishes off with a very weak ending. There is no point in editing the rest of the poem, though—it’s like painting over a Picasso.

xoxox, toki~

Quite a lovely poem, darling! Only a few teeny comments:

sixty hours over 7/8 days

I like "sixty hours," but "7/8" kinda threw me. Do you mean seven to eight days, or seven eighths of a day? Kinda dumb question, I realize, but still confused me.

friends made over bad jokes and coffee
(the best in the breakfast line)

Really great couple of lines here, darling, the imagery totally connected with me.

mindless chatter of trombones
...
imitations of fake tv; stuart, milkshakes, cits's

Okay, this is probably just me, but you asked about references that didn't work, and I just simply don't know what these mean (except the milkshakes, I think I know what milkshakes are ). Again, don't take my general knowledge for the norm here.

you cried for late-night chats

that went from dusk to dawn
the alarm went off, and poof, all a dream.

Fantastic ending, darling, I like it that you didn't italicize "poof," the way it is really carries on the tired feel of the rest of the poem.


Overall, a great piece with excellent flow and rhythm, darling!