Mayflower [2]

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A/N: I'm having an extremely hard time with this chapter; I can't get it to flow evenly. Harsh criticism welcome! It's bit long. :P

--

I hadn’t noted the appearance of the building the day I applied for the job. But, as I stood in front of it on my first day of work, the grey monotony of the walls and the lack of a significant amount of windows along them made me feel nauseous. It was ugly; but at that moment, it was better than a fairy tale.

“Good morning,” I approached the receptionist casually. As much as I wanted to avoid her, I had no idea where I needed to go.“I’m Amanda Thurman, and I’m supposed to be starting work here today… could you tell me what I’m supposed to do?”

“Through there,” she pointed towards a brown door labeled EMPLOYEES ONLY, “you’ll find the superintendents office. Report to him.” She didn’t bother looking up at me.

“Thank you.”

Through the swinging brown door I went, mulling over the excitement of passing through an Employees Only door for the first time in my life. I suddenly wished that the receptionist’s directions were clearer, because passing through the door only presented me with the challenge of finding the superintendent’s office. There had to be at least a dozen doors lining the sides of the hall. And they all looked identical.

It didn’t take long to find the door. A brass plate with the word superintendent engraved hung on the wood. I tapped lightly on it, and a gruff voice coughed and told me to come in.

“Good morning,” the superintendent, a man approximately in his late fifties straightened his tie and smoothed his wispy hair down. “Miss Thurman, is it?”

“Yes,” I squeaked, balling my hands into fists to steady them from shaking.

“I'm Mr. Truman, the superintendent. Ready for work?” I nodded at him. He extended a hand towards me, I reached forward and shook it tentatively. "You're going to start working with the kids. Melissa will show you around. You'll find her in the staff room.

"If you need any help, go to her; if anything goes wrong, come to me, got it?" I nodded again. "It's tough work at first, but you'll get used to it. You might need to change out of those," he gestured towards my skirt and blazer, "in order to chase kids."

Slightly offended by his comment on my outfit, I sharply responded with, "I'm fine in this, sir."

"Very well, then. You'll have two breaks throughout the day--"

"Only two?" He raised his eyebrow at me.

"Only two, which should be more than enough. Lunch is at one-thirty, and you'll have two breaks aside from that. Any questions?"

My head was spinning with questions, but none of them made it to my tongue to be pronounced. He took that as a no. He rose from the chair, rounded the desk, and handed me a pin with AMANDA engraved in it.

"Here's your name tag."

"What are the dots for?" I asked, noticing a set of raised dots beneath the letters.

"It's braille."

"Why do I need braille on this?"

"We have a few blind children, Miss Thurman," he said calmly, "they'll want to feel your name tag to see who you are."

"Oh," I wasn't so confident about handling blind children, but I pinned the tag to my blazer. "Thanks," I forced a smile on my face and he gave a slight nod.

"Good luck. Staff room's at the end of the hall."

-

The door to the staff room was much easier to find than the superintendent's, not only because the sign was much larger, but it had a long narrow window above the doorknob. I peered through it before entering, but I couldn't see more than a blue wall directly ahead of me.

As the door whined open, a few people turned to see who entered. A brown-haired woman turned around and smiled at me.

“I’m Mel,” she said, “You must be…?”

“Amanda” I said.

“Amanda. We’ve expected you. Welcome.” Her voice had no trace of warmth in it, but she smiled again and gestured towards a table with food on it. I forged a smile on my face.

“It’s breakfast hour. I doubt you’ve eaten. Help yourself.” She shrugged and sipped her coffee. I reached for a bagel, although I had eaten a rushed breakfast and bit into it. It was hard and stale, but I didn’t care.

“So, what do we do now?”

Melissa continued to sip her coffee. “Eat. Work.”

“Oh.” I nibbled on my bagel in silence for a moment, trying to ignore the fact that I stood out in my skirt. Glancing around the room, I noticed that everyone else was either in jeans and t-shirts or scrubs. Curiosity was gnawing at me, so I tried to find the best way to form the list of questions that overwhelmed me at the time.

“What do we do first?” I asked, trying my best to sound as if I had some indication of what I was about to begin.

“Wake the kids.”

“Wake the kids?”

“Wake the kids.” She glanced at me and took in my expression. I watched her face relax into a smile. “You weren’t expecting the kids to arrive here on a school bus were you?”

“I kind of was,” I said weakly. At that moment, I had a feeling that working at Mayflower Center for Challenged Children wasn’t going to be anything like I was expecting.

-

In the sleeping quarters (I cringed when I saw the name, too; it sounded like the children were prisoners) we were each assigned to a room. After waking the kids in the rooms, we had to herd them into the washrooms.

“We have two rooms today, ‘Manda.” Melissa said. I raised an eyebrow at her. “Can I call you that, by the way? Manda?”

“Sure, if you want.” If anything, it made her sound slightly more friendly.

“Good. So, we have two rooms today, Room 4 and room 8. They’re a little far apart, but if we move we’ll finish in time. We have to wake and clean all of these monsters.”

I laughed, in case that was a joke. “Why are they in rooms like this?”

I was expecting they would be categorized by disabilities.

“Last names,” she said, “easier to sort like that. If I’m not mistaken, I think the assigned workers last name’s initial matched the room last names? Not sure, just a theory.”

“That could explain having room four and room eight.” I muttered. She didn't seem to hear me.

“There’re five kids in each room. We like to keep the numbers low for convenience, so that means we’re dealing with ten kids between the two of us.”

“So, we’ll start with room 4, then? You’ll need to show me how it’s done… I feel so inexperienced.” I tried to steady my voice, but it still shook as I spoke. Melissa shrugged.

“It’s okay to feel like that, I guess. It takes some getting used to.”

“It won’t be hard, will it?”

She shrugged again. “I don’t know. Could be. But that’s depending on your experience with kids and how well you deal with disabled people.”

I swallowed. I didn’t think it could be that hard.

I was wrong.

When we entered room four, the smell of iodine and antiseptics, coupled with the lack of color on the walls nauseated me.

In the first bed, a little boy with one leg lay blinking up at us as we entered. He grinned at Melissa, but his grin disappeared as soon as he saw me.

“Morning Thomas, you’re always up first, aren’t you?”

“Morning Melly,” he said. “Who is that?”

Melissa ruffled his brown hair. “This is Amanda, she’s going to be helping us today.”

He wrinkled his nose and struggled to a sitting position. “Go away,” he said to me, “I don’t like you.”

I glared at him, folding my arms across my chest. Looking back, I realize how pathetic that motion was, but at the time, I could only set my foot and say: “I’m not going anywhere.”

Thomas wrinkled his nose more and let out a low whine. “Make her go away,” he cried, burying his head into Melissa’s shoulder, “make the scary lady go away.”

“Why don’t you wake the next one, Manda?” Melissa suggested, patting Thomas’ back.

Having no siblings more than two years younger than me, I wasn’t quite sure what the best method for waking children was. My first instinct was to shake the child and practically roar in their ear, but once again, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I ended up doing just that.

Squinting at the name tag on the headboard, I grabbed the child’s arm. “Laura, time to wake up,” I practically dragged her from under the covers, causing her to land on the floor with a plunk. Her head rose and unseeing eyes blinked up at me.

Gasping, I backed away from her just as she reached out a hand, groping at the empty space as she tried to find the person who had woken her. I crashed into the wall.

“What’s wrong with her?” I cried. Melissa sprang from where she sat helping Thomas into a wheelchair and looked at the little girl sprawled on the floor.

“What do you mean?” she asked. I assume that the only thing wrong with the picture in Melissa’s eyes was the fact that Laura was off the bed.

“Something’s wrong with her eyes.”

Melissa laughed. “She’s blind, Amanda. Nothing’s wrong with her aside from the fact that she can’t see.” She carefully lifted her from the floor and set her back on the bed.

“You get the next kid, Mandy,” she said, walking over to a narrow door across the room, opening it and drawing another wheelchair out. I looked at the next bed, afraid of what I would see.

It wasn’t horrific; glancing at the sign beneath the name tag, I realized it was just another blind child. I called her name softly and almost deemed her unresponsive when Melissa came to my side.

“Gertrude’s deaf,” she said, “you have to use motion to wake her.”

I nodded and stiffly watched as Melissa woke the child. Not wanting to seem incapable of doing work, I walked over to the next bed and gently shook the child. He seemed fairly normal, despite missing an arm.

Melissa took care of the last child in the room, who she told me had a Down’s syndrome. I wasn’t exactly sure what the symptoms and effects of downs syndrome was, but I figured I would find out sooner or later. I wasn’t wrong.

After repeating similar processes in room eight, we herded the children—some of them in wheelchairs—down to the massive washroom. I found the trip tedious and it was hard to keep up in my narrow skirt. Melissa, in her jeans-and-t-shirt, seemed to have no problem.

Washing the children was an even more tedious task. We had to strip the children first, and secure them into bath seats—chairs with suction cups that stuck firmly to the ground in the showers, with buckles and bars to keep the children from falling out. Next, we had to make sure that the soap we used wouldn’t affect the children in any negative ways. It was annoying having to look at each chart a million times, not to mention the added stress of having to wash them not only with their favorite bath toys and sponges, but in the way that they preferred.

I was having a hard time of it. Kneeling in my skirt was extremely hard, and greatly restricted my movement. I ended up tossing my blazer aside, pushing up my blouse sleeves so that I could work. I scrubbed Daniel’s skin too hard, and he whimpered constantly. By the time I had finished him, the first child I had to wash, Melissa had already gotten three of the children squeaky clean.

As I wrapped him in a towel, he started to complain, telling Melissa that he “doesn’t like this new lady.”

“Her name’s Amanda, sweetheart,” Melissa said softly to him, wrapping him tighter in his towel. “She’s new here, but she loves you just as much as me and Sally and Carissa. She’s going to be helping us now.”

Daniel didn’t seem to hear her. Instead, he turned his head towards me, as I struggled to get his pants over his leg-brace. He gave me an icy glare and in a loud, clear voice said: “I hate you.”

I shouldn’t have let it get to me, but I did. “You’re difficult.”

He stared at me, unblinking, and then tilted his head back and started to bawl. Throwing my hands up in the air, I declared I give up and walked out of the washroom, only to be dragged back in a moment later by Melissa.

The other workers shot me disproving glances as I tried my hardest to get the children clean. I never knew how much difficulty washing children could be; they squirmed and cried and begged for a familiar face to wash them.

I was thoroughly stressed by the time I finished. I had only done three children; Melissa had volunteered to take over the other seven, telling me that I would need to work faster, because I would soon have 5 to take care of. I groaned at the thought, and gathered my hair that had worked loose from it’s bun back into a knot. The front of my shirt was wet, so I dabbed at it furiously with a paper towel, envying Melissa’s ability to stay dry.

Next up was breakfast, which I was expecting to be a breeze. Melissa herded room 4 to the dining hall with ease, but I had trouble pushing a wheelchair, stopping every few moments to push another wheelchair a few feet further. It was anything but fun, and by the time we made it to the dining hall, I was sweaty and exhausted. Melissa still looked as if she was ready to do it five more times.

“Now, you just need to place them in their respective seats,” Amanda said as she lifted a child out of a wheelchair and into a chair.

“Respective seats?” I looked at her to see if she was joking, but her face showed no signs of amusement.

“Yeah, each chair has the kid’s name on the back. Some of them don’t like to sit next to each other, while others don’t care at all, but it’s important to avoid any food fights, especially at breakfast.”

I rolled my eyes. It seemed impossible to remember every child’s name, let alone find their chair in time for breakfast.

“What are you waiting for?” Mellissa raised her brow at me. I bit my lip and got working.

Ten minutes later, I had finally gotten them all seated without too much trouble. Mellissa then reminded me that I needed to not only push them to the table, but also strap them in so that they don’t slip out of the chair. By the time I had finished, all of the other workers had gotten the children strapped in and seated.

I was hot, hungry and desperately wanted a shower.

A minute later, Laura started banging the table impatiently, chanting “I want my food.” No sooner had she began, the other children joined in, louder. The staff made no move to silence them, so I guessed it was a usual practice at meal time.

Nevertheless, it annoyed me. I tried to cover my ears, but I could still hear them, slamming their fists into the table and screaming at the top of their lungs. Whatever patience I had left dissolved.

“Stop!” I screamed, “this is too much noise! You’re not ever going to get food acting like this.” And around the table I went, placing my hand on any hopping fists to try and silence them.

Melissa stood on the side, shaking her head at me in disbelief. I glanced around at the other workers, noted their unamused expressions and retreated.

When the food came, I eyed it hungrily, only to lose my appetite when I saw that it all looked like grayish mush.

“What is that?” I wrinkled my nose at it. Melissa shot me a warning look, but one of the other workers, Celia, said, “It’s food. What did you think?”

“I don’t know, it just looks gross.”

Celia rolled her eyes at me and turned to Melissa, “How did she get this job, again?” Mellissa shrugged and rolled her eyes, too.

Some of the children ate greedily, while others took their time slowly selected a piece of food and even more slowly shoveling it onto a fork ; some of them, such as those who were missing arms had to be assisted. It was a tedious job, and I frequently lost the remains of patience I had left. I wanted to shove the food down their throats and be done.


The day droned on in a very dull manner. It consisted mostly of playing with toys in ways I never imagined possible, reading stories thousands of times over, assisting each child with whatever they needed and cleaning up behind them. By lunch time, I was whining to go home, saying that my first day was nothing as I expected and I desperately needed a vacation.
Last edited by Juniper on Thu Jun 18, 2009 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.




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O hai. :mrgreen:

I read the first Mayflower some time ago, so I had to go over it again to see if I'd forgotten anything. Reading this chapter makes me wonder, Why the heck did Amanda apply for this job, again? In the first chapter, she says that she has a younger brother with a disability and that she has had experience with children at a summer camp. But here, when faced with an actual child, she seems completely clueless. She doesn't even know how to wake up a child or how to be nice to one. Is this an inconsistency, or was she making all that up before?

... I think I may have missed some vital information? >_<

Apart from that, it was good! A few times you put actions on the wrong line as dialogue, like here:

"Very well, then. You'll have two breaks throughout the day--"


"Only two?" He raised his eyebrow at me.


"Only two, which should be more than enough...


The bolded bit should be on the same line as the superintendent's dialogue, as it's his action. Here, it looks as though it's him saying, "Only two?"
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Juniper! I swear I'll review this soon, but I really need to point this out:

At that moment, I had a feeling that working at Mayflower Center for Challenged children


You have no idea how much this has been bothering me! ^_^
Why don't you capitalise children as well? It is not Mayflower Center for Challenged. XD Therefore, children needs to be capitalised.

The Mayflower Center for Challenged Children.

Thank you and goodnight. ^_^

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nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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“you’ll find the superintendents office. Report to him.”


I'm pretty sure it's "superintendent's" ;)

There had to be at least a dozen doors lining the sides of the hall. And they all looked identical.

It didn’t take long to find the door. A brass plate with the word superintendent engraved hung on the wood.


I find this to be repetitive and confusing. At first you say the doors are identical, yet then you say there's one labeled "Superintendent". I doubt all the doors have that xD so sorry to be all picky and specific, but yeah, I don't think if there is a label on a door, that it is identical to the others that do not, or have a different word on their label. If that made sense. :P

He extended a hand towards me, I reached forward and shook it tentatively.


I think that this should either be two separate sentences, or an "and" should be added right after the comma.

"Only two?" He raised his eyebrow at me.


I agree with TL G-Wooster about this, since it's the superintendent's action, it should go on the same line as his dialogue.

“Good. So, we have two rooms today, Room 4 and room 8.


You capitalize "room" only once. Make sure to capitalize that other one, too. ;)

Mellissa shrugged and rolled her eyes, too.


Typo on Melissa xD

selected a piece of food and even more slowly shoveling it onto a fork ; some of them,


That space before it semi-colon should go. ;)

That's all the nit- picks! Other than those, a wonderful story with some good humor in it. ;)

And by the way, I have no idea what you were talking about when you said it didn't flow right for you. It flowed perfect for me. :D

dying for more,
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Have a peanut =)

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Juuune!

Late. ><

Let’s make up for that by shredding this.

the grey monotony of the walls and the lack of a significant amount of windows along them made me feel nauseous. It was ugly; but at that moment, it was better than a fairy tale.


You're contradicting yourself here. It's making her nauseous but it looks like a fairy tale? Explain those two moods please.

There had to be at least a dozen doors lining the sides of the hall. And they all looked identical.

It didn’t take long to find the door.


I don't find these lines really fit with her character. She's usually so daunted by everything, but she's not daunted by anything here.

the superintendent, a man approximately in his late fifties straightened his tie and smoothed his wispy hair down.


I think you're missing a comma after "fifties" here. The sentence doesn't flow well otherwise.

“I'm Mr. Truman, the superintendent. Ready for work?” I nodded at him.


Because "I nodded at him" is right after a question mark, it's unclear whether or not that tags the line. I'd put the whole paragraph like so:

“I'm Mr. Truman, the superintendent. Ready for work?”

I nodded at him.

He extended a hand towards me, I reached forward and shook it tentatively. "You're going to start working with the kids. Melissa will show you around. You'll find her in the staff room.


Or something. I know that looks choppy, but it's the only thing I can think of to fix it without adding anything.

come to me, got it?" I nodded again. "It's tough work at first,


Same note as above.

I reached for a bagel, although I had eaten a rushed breakfast and bit into it.


Comma needed after "breakfast"

(I cringed when I saw the name, too;


The use of "too" here bugs me a bit. It makes it sound like there was something else she cringed at. I'd delete it.

After waking the kids in the rooms, we had to herd them into the washrooms.


This line, to me, makes it sound like they'd already woken the kids and were presently herding them into washrooms.

“Can I call you that, by the way? Manda?”


Before, you had "Manda" with an apostrophe to signal the dropped letter. Here, you don't have that. Pick one for consistently.

I laughed, in case that was a joke. “Why are they in rooms like this?”


This line of dialogue doesn't make much sense to me. I think it's the vagueness of "this," but I'm not sure. You don't really explain why she'd be asking that question, so it's hard to understand what she's talking about.

“That could explain having room four and room eight.” I muttered. She didn't seem to hear me.


It doesn't really explain it to me. It makes me wonder why she's gotten room four and room eight, actually. Since her last name's initial starts with T, I'd have expected her to have rooms much farther down the line.

the smell of iodine and antiseptics, coupled with the lack of color on the walls nauseated me.


Hrmmm. The first time you used "nauseated" I didn't mind so much. Here, I find it could be expanded upon slightly. Was her bagel trying to come back up on her?

Also, I don't see a mention of the lights turning on anywhere.

Having no siblings more than two years younger than me, I wasn’t quite sure what the best method for waking children was.


I agree with Twit here. She worked at camp, but she never woke the kids? If that's the case, put more explanation on that.

Her head rose and unseeing eyes blinked up at me.


"Unseeing" stands out here, I find. In the first part, you're pretty careful when it comes to not showing this is a flash-back. The description "unseeing" stands out as a flash-back. It's not the first time such a description is used, but it's the first time it has made the prose flatter instead of richer.

I assume that the only thing wrong with the picture in Melissa’s eyes was the fact that Laura was off the bed.


"Assumed" for past tense, dear.

“She’s blind, Amanda. Nothing’s wrong with her aside from the fact that she can’t see.” She carefully lifted her from the floor and set her back on the bed.

“You get the next kid, Mandy,”


Bolded words- I though Melissa called Amanda "Manda."

I realized it was just another blind child. I called her name softly and almost deemed her unresponsive when Melissa came to my side.

“Gertrude’s deaf,” she said, “you have to use motion to wake her.”


Deaf and blind? *shudders* What a fate.

I walked over to the next bed and gently shook the child. He seemed fairly normal, despite missing an arm.


Does he wake up without problems? With problems? Tell us please.

I wasn’t wrong.


This mention makes me think the next event will deal with the child who has Down's syndrome. It's confusing when the next scene is about washing the kids.

It was annoying having to look at each chart a million times,


Where are these charts? The wall? Next to each stall?

I was having a hard time of it. Kneeling in my skirt was extremely hard,


"Hard" is repetitive here.

I scrubbed Daniel’s skin too hard,


You named three kids before, none of them named "Daniel."

he turned his head towards me, as I struggled to get his pants over his leg-brace.


~ Comma could be deleted.

~ You're missing a mention of what he's doing while she's struggling. Is he sitting on the floor, in a wheel-chair, is Amanda holding him or is Mel holding him?

Throwing my hands up in the air, I declared I give up and walked out of the washroom, only to be dragged back in a moment later by Melissa.


Shouldn't "give" be "gave"? Or is she actually saying it? If that case, "I give up" should be in quotes.

The other workers shot me disproving glances as I tried my hardest to get the children clean.


You never mention other workers in the washroom.

I never knew how much difficulty washing children could be; they squirmed and cried and begged for a familiar face to wash them.


~ I find the first part of the sentence (in italics) is worded a bit strangely, I find. I could be trimmed to "I never knew how difficult washing children could be."

~ Wash is repetitive here.

Melissa had volunteered to take over the other seven, telling me that I would need to work faster, because I would soon have 5 to take care of.


This sentence feels a bit broken up by commas. Rework it so that doesn't happen.

I groaned at the thought, and gathered my hair that had worked loose from it’s bun back into a knot. The front of my shirt was wet, so I dabbed at it furiously with a paper towel, envying Melissa’s ability to stay dry.


These two sentences, along with the one I just quoted, are all compound sentences. Vary up your sentence lengths.

Next up was breakfast, which I was expecting to be a breeze. Melissa herded room 4 to the dining hall with ease, but I had trouble pushing a wheelchair, stopping every few moments to push another wheelchair a few feet further. It was anything but fun, and by the time we made it to the dining hall, I was sweaty and exhausted.


~ Same not as above on the compound sentences.

~ There's just something about the way this paragraph is worded that makes it confusing. It might be the compound sentences, or it might be the amount of implication you're doing here. I can't really put my finger on it. Sorry!

Amanda said as she lifted a child out of a wheelchair and into a chair.


"Child," "chair" and "wheelchair" all have similar beginning or end sounds. Just to point out.

Celia rolled her eyes at me and turned to Melissa, “How did she get this job, again?” Mellissa shrugged and rolled her eyes, too.


Unless Amanda saw/heard this, you've switched viewpoints here.

such as those who were missing arms had to be assisted.


Comma after "arms."

It was a tedious job, and I frequently lost the remains of patience I had left. I wanted to shove the food down their throats and be done.


There are other workers. How many kids are missing arms for all of them to be occupied?

By lunch time, I was whining to go home, saying that my first day was nothing as I expected and I desperately needed a vacation.


So that morning break wasn't enough?

*

Commas: June, I don't want to point this out, but I saw some comma errors here. Mostly you were missing interrupter commas to make the sentences clear. Other times you used them to create compound sentences that were three/four ideas long.

Missing info: It felt like there was a lot of info missing here. Some of it is implied (But buried into a compound sentence so it's a bit hard to catch) but other times you're just missing the information. I think that's the reason behind your flow issues.

Tone: The tone here feels completely different than the tone of the first part. Before, you could hardly tell this was a flash-back. Here, a lot of locations (Mostly the "I was wrong" lines) make this stand out as a flash-back. Since you seemed to have made it less of a flashback come the end of chapter one, I'd keep that tone with only little snippets here and there.

Characters: Amanda's personality seems much more forward (she was one step away from a mouse before) and she just... doesn't seem to be the same person to be honest. She seems much more fed up without reason, and she seems clueless in areas we thought she had experience in.

Overall: This chapter felt overwritten, to be honest. With the grammar slip-ups and the changes in tone and character, it shows you spent a lot of time on it. Step back, reread chapter one, and edit this again.

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hey June ^^ I'm training myself to be an instructor, so I thought I'd come by and see one of the pro's work xD


It was ugly; but at that moment, it was better than a fairy tale.

I read the Mayflower a while ago, but I still find this contradictory. If it's ugly and it makes her naseous, then why is it better than a fairytale? Why does she want this job again? It might be just me, but I still think it's a bit confusing.

“Good morning,” I approached the receptionist casually. As much as I wanted to avoid her, I had no idea where I needed to go.“I’m Amanda Thurman, and I’m supposed to be starting work here today… could you tell me what I’m supposed to do?”

Hehe, I had this problem too xD Amands narratoes "As much as I wanted to avoid her, I had no idea where I needed to go" and then you make her say it out loud. Remember to not repeat what the character thinks in dialogue since it'll already be expressed in dialogue ;) I had to learn this by reading my repititions =_=

“Through there,” she pointed towards a brown door labeled EMPLOYEES ONLY, “you’ll find the superintendents office. Report to him.” She didn’t bother looking up at me.

superintendent's. Also, I think you should combine "she pointed towards a brown door..." with "she didn't bother looking up at me." because the reader pictures her looking somewhere, but really, she doesn't leave her computer or her page or whatever she's looking at.



Through the swinging brown door I went, mulling over the excitement of passing through an Employees Only door for the first time in my life.

xD Is this how you felt when you went to go work at the newspaper? At my old high school there were these double-doors and on one of them there was a sign that said "administrator's only" on the right door, so when my friend needed to go the treasury department I told her not to freak out because only the right door was for admins, lol.

I suddenly wished that the receptionist’s directions were clearer, [s]because passing through the door only presented me with the challenge of finding the superintendent’s office[/s]. There had to be at least a dozen doors lining the sides of the hall. And they all looked identical.

Again, you repeat. You don't need to "say" it's challenging because you tell the readers there are a dozen identical doors.

It didn’t take long to find the door. A brass plate with the word superintendent engraved hung on the wood. I tapped lightly on it, and a gruff voice coughed and told me to come in.

I think you should add "luckily" to the beginning of this because you say it's a challenge in the previous paragraph, and you need to note that it wasn't actually that hard.

“I'm Mr. Truman, the superintendent. Ready for work?” I nodded at him. He extended a hand towards me, I reached forward and shook it tentatively. "You're going to start working with the kids. Melissa will show you around. You'll find her in the staff room.

I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but I think you need to keep his line of dialogue from "I nodded at him" because it seems like Amanda says "I'm Mr. Truman..." and nods her head.

Slightly offended by his comment on my outfit, I sharply responded with, "I'm fine in this, sir."

I think you could describe this better by showing rather than telling. You could say "I glanced down at my outfit, wrinkling my nose as I remembered the time and effort I'd put into picking it out. I sharply responded with-"
Something like that. It'll give us more of an insight on the MC's personality and emotions.


"Only two?" He raised his eyebrow at me.

Once again, this is confusing. It's like he's questioning Amanda, but maybe I'm just being sensitive to this?

My head was spinning with questions, but none of them made it to my tongue [s]to be pronounced. He took that as a no[/s]. He rose from the chair, rounded the desk, and handed me a pin with AMANDA engraved in it.

The crossed out part should be implied, or assumed, or whatever the word.

"We have a few blind children, Miss Thurman," he said calmly, "they'll want to feel your name tag to see who you are."

I'm not so sure "calmly" is the right word unless the superintendent is not sympathic towards the children. Maybe you could show a pained expresion in his eyes or something rather than him saying it calmly. Maybe mention how his sadness opposed his appearance?

"Oh," I wasn't so confident about handling blind children, but I pinned the tag to my blazer. "Thanks," I forced a smile on my face and he gave a slight nod.

Ahh! June! Rather than saying Amanda wasn't so confident about handling blind children, you could make her shudder or something that shows emotion. Make her real! Show it to us!

It was hard and stale, but I didn’t care.

You could compare the bagel to a rock or something xD

I was having a hard time of it. Kneeling in my skirt was extremely hard [s], and greatly restricted my movement.[/s]

The second part just seems like a repeat.


Overall: Okay, I skimmed through everything after this because I saw the same few problems over and over. I think it needs more of a hook, or some emotions from Amanda. You need to show rather than tell so we can know how the characters react, move, feel. We also need more of an insight on Amanda without reading her bland thoughts. It's a lot like she's doing an autobiography. This may be her character, but there's always a way to make her alluring to the readers.

Keep it up, June ;)
-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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oops, double post xD
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Gender Male
Points 290
Reviews 10
Let me start off this review by saying that about two months ago I reviewed the first chapter of Mayflower. Of course since you've read my review June you knew I obviously thought it was a good first chapter and showed a lot of promise. Now anyway, I was searching to review something for the Reality Show when I saw this on your page. I would have totally reviewed this earlier has I known this existed! In fact, I went to the first thread to read the first part over before starting the second part and realized that I didn't even need to do so because I remembered it so well. Your stories stick June. :D

Anyway, on to the review.

“Good morning,” the superintendent, a man approximately in his late fifties straightened his tie and smoothed his wispy hair down. “Miss Thurman, is it?”

Before this you use a similar style to convey dialogue, but in this instance it was kind of hard to tell the superintendent was talking. You may want to put something like "'Good morning,' said the superintendent. He was a man approximately in his late fifties straightened his tie and smoothed his wispy hair down."

Another part of that sentence which is interesting is the approximately in his late fifties? How does Amanda know that? It might be better to say "A man who looked approximately in his late fifites..."


I forged a smile on my face.


I just like the way the word forged was used on this sentence. :D It shows your MC is already getting a bit annoyed, which contributes to her small breakdown later.

In the sleeping quarters (I cringed when I saw the name, too; it sounded like the children were prisoners) we were each assigned to a room.

Nice use of parenthesis in this sentence! Not a lot of authors use that (Stephen King is notorious for doing that though :P). It shows personality, which is just seeping your main character!

“We have two rooms today, ‘Manda.” Melissa said. I raised an eyebrow at her. “Can I call you that, by the way? Manda?”


Another good thing! Nicknames get a reader to remember people better.

Good. So, we have two rooms today, Room 4 and room 8.


Is there any reason the Room behind 4 is capitalized and the room before 8 is not? If not, then just a simple grammar error.

I was expecting they would be categorized by disabilities.


How did she have any expectations? I thought she just learned they lived in the vicinities a second ago?

“It won’t be hard, will it?”


Since she is asking this it proves that she already has doubts...but then you go on to say:
I swallowed. I didn’t think it could be that hard.

Instead of "didn't think it would be that hard" you could say "hoped it wouldn't be too hard."

“Morning Thomas, you’re always up first, aren’t you?”


Forshadowing? Or am I too deeply looking into things.

“Morning Melly,” he said. “Who is that?”


Shows that another character has a nickname! Good!
I nodded and stiffly watched as Melissa woke the child. Not wanting to seem incapable of doing work, I walked over to the next bed and gently shook the child. He seemed fairly normal, despite missing an arm.


Whoa, the end of that sentence is pretty crazy.

I found the trip tedious and it was hard to keep up in my narrow skirt. Melissa, in her jeans-and-t-shirt, seemed to have no problem.


Ahh, Amanda seems to be having a regrets. She should have listened to her boss. Is this a flaw in a character? (This is a good thing, xD) :D Great job!

I shouldn’t have let it get to me, but I did. “You’re difficult.”


You know when I was starting to read this story I was expecting the people working there to be more annoyed of the kids than the MC. Shouldn't she get scolded by someone and told to stop? Just a suggestion, or maybe hesitate until the next scene.

Next up was breakfast, which I was expecting to be a breeze.


Nothing ever goes as planned, does it?

“Yeah, each chair has the kid’s name on the back. Some of them don’t like to sit next to each other, while others don’t care at all, but it’s important to avoid any food fights, especially at breakfast.”


Especially at breakfast as compared to lunch or dinner? Is there any reason?
Melissa took care of the last child in the room, who she told me had a Down’s syndrome. I wasn’t exactly sure what the symptoms and effects of downs syndrome was, but I figured I would find out sooner or later. I wasn’t wrong.


Wouldn't sharing this knowledge to another co-worker or her boss show that she is not qualified for the job? You might want to express that she is afraid to ask or something like that.
I was hot, hungry and desperately wanted a shower.


Didn't Amanda already have breakfast and then in addition stale bagels? :P

“I don’t know, it just looks gross.”


Not being polite to her co-workers, huh?
By lunch time, I was whining to go home, saying that my first day was nothing as I expected and I desperately needed a vacation.


Very excellent way to end the chapter! It felt conclusive, and yet left me wanting more.

Anyway June, I really liked it! It definitely shows great promise. I know that there's not much conflict (besides Amanda hating her job) but I saw some hints in there which could lead to something! (A revolt? Child abuse? The orphanage exploiting the kids? Saving money? There's so many ways this could go!)
The way you write; it just flows. Your prose is very easy to read which is very valuable in today's world. We can instantly relate to your very well developed main character.
I see that there isn't a chapter 3 of Mayflower up. A pity, as I genuinely wanted to read more when I was done with this. Very good! I don't know what you meant when you said it didn't flow good. It felt just fine.
Please continue this June!

-Adam



Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary