Romeo and Juliet: In Everyday English (1.1a)

Just a little not beforehand. Due to Shakespeare being Shakespeare, there is an overabundance of double entendres that simply do not translate well into everyday English (he was a pervy, pervy man). I've done my best to keep the spirit of the exchanges while still (hopefully) retaining some wittiness.

And so, the first half of Act I.

---

Romeo and Juliet
In Everyday English

CHORUS: With pretty poetry, we declare
That there’s a feud going on over there
In Verona, which will result in tragedy
As two lovers, who can never be
Not only because of their parent’s rage,
But also because they are too young an age
To understand what true love truly is,
Fall in lust at first sight, sealed with a kiss,
And then dramatically kill themselves for a Great
Misunderstanding, which ends their parents hate.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the play
As we act these events out for you today.

Act I Scene I

Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the gang house of Capulet, with guns and bulletproof vests swords and bucklers.

SAM: Gregory, I’m not putting up with any more insults.
GRE: Why do you have a vendetta against salt?
SAM: That... wasn’t what I meant. I meant I’m sick and tired of being teased.
GRE: Shouldn’t you see a doctor, then?
SAM: *facepalms* I’m angry enough to kill someone, okay!
GRE: That’s unusual. Why?
SAM: It’s those insolent Montagues! They’re making me want to kill someone, preferably them.
GRE: Well, if they’re making you want to kill someone, doesn’t that mean you have no control over yourself?
SAM: Lies! They’re only making me do it because I’m letting them!
GRE: So you’re letting them control you?
SAM: No. I’m controlling their women so that they think they’re controlling me
GRE: ...And how does that work? Anyway, I thought you only had a problem with the guys?
SAM: Guys. Girls. They’re all on the same side, though I think I will be nicer to the women. Instead of beating them to a bloody pulp, I shall cut off all those maiden’s heads.
GRE: You’re going to rape them all silly?
SAM: *facepalm...again* I meant it literally, but whatever.
GRE: Yeah, but wouldn’t raping all the girls be more, you know, fun?
SAM: You know, you’re absolutely right. I’ve been told that I’ve a pretty piece of flesh.
GRE: You’ve got a pretty piece of fish? What are you on? Hold that thought. Draw your gun sword; here come a couple Montagues.

Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHAZAR.

SAM: Okay, I’ve got my gun sword out. Now you go over there and start the fight, and I’ll jump in and help you if you need it.
GRE: I’m not stupid. You’re just going to run away.
SAM: That’s ridiculous!
GRE: No it isn’t. You’ve done it before.
SAM: Fine! We’ll wait for them to start the fight, then.
GRE: In that case, I’ll frown as I walk past.
SAM: Too subtle. I’ll just give them the finger.
ABR: Um, dude, did you just give us the finger?
SAM: [to Gregory] Would it be a good idea to say yes?
GRE: No.
SAM: Nope. I was just pushing my glasses up my nose. With my middle finger.
GRE: You got a problem with that?
ABR: No...
SAM: You sure? ‘Cause if you do, I think it’s only fair to let you know that I’m better than you in a fight because my boss is so much better than your boss.
ABR: That’s very nice...
SAM: Well... ah...

Enter BENVOLIO.

GRE: [to Sampson] Tell him our boss is better. Look, here comes the boss’s cousin!
SAM: You’d better believe he’s better!
ABR: Well, I don’t.
SAM: Blasphemy! Come on Greg! Let’s beat these suckers! And don’t hold back, either!

*and there is a fight*

BEN: You idiots! *trying to break up the fight* What the hell are you doing fighting in the middle of Main Street!? Stop it! Stop it, stopit!!!

Enter TYBALT.

TYB: What the hell is— Benvolio! I should have know. Prepare to die!
BEN: Hey! I’m just trying to break up this fight, so unless you’re going to help, put away your weapon.
TYB: And give you a clear shot at a defenseless me? I don’t think so! Die you tricksy coward!

*fight START!*

Enter several more members of both houses, all of them joining the brawl; cue arrival of a large crowd of curious Citizens followed by a whole bunch of Peace-officers armed with wicked clubs.

FIRST OFF: Forward men! Beat them into submission! Whack those Montagues! Wallop those Capulets!

Enter old CAPULET in his pajamas, and LADY CAPULET.

CAP: What’s going on? Eh?! Somebody get me my shot gun long sword!
LA. CAP: Get him some crutches instead! Are you insane? You can barely stand!
CAP: I don’t need crutches; I need my BFG sword! Look! There’s Montague and he’s got a gun sword which he’s waving at me!

Enter old MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE.

MON: That Capulet! This time, I’m going to kill him! Now let me go!
LA. MON: Nuh-uh. You’re too old to be fighting.

Enter PRINCE ESCALUS and his large group of hangers-on.

PRIN: Hello! Fighting people!
You’re disturbing the peace and making a mess of the streets!
Are you even listening to me?
... Apparently not.
Hey you idiots! Pay attention!
Your supreme and all-powerful leader is trying to speak, here!
... I think they’re actually ignoring me... The nerve!
HEY YOU INSOLENT BRATS!
IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING THIS INSTANT,
I’M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!
Good. Now that you’re all listening,
This is the third time you Capulets and Montagues have disturbed the peace,
And, quite frankly, I and the people of Verona are sick of it.
If the two of you ever get into another fight,
I’ll kill you. Clear? Good.
Now then, Capulet, you come with me.
Montague, I want to see you in my office this afternoon.
Everyone else, leave before I decide to kill you all anyway.

Exit all except MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO.

---

And, with Shakespeare being Shakespeare, I cannot help but wonder which gun sword Sampson drew. I mean, you'd think a guy walking past you with a naked weapon forged of metal would put you on edge, but Abraham hardly bats an eye...

And thus do I depart, gifting thee with those lovely mental images.

Pure genius! Seriously. Much funnier than the twilight spoofs still clogging up fanfic and scripts. Kudos.

I think my favourite is the way you drew Tybalt. Please continue with this - the character has so much more to give. Having shakespearean characters *facepalm* is also hillarious.

Continue! If nothing else, I want to see what you do with the balcony scene. And having been Friar Laurence when we read for English, it would be nice to see some of his lyrical word vomit made readable.

m

I wish I could take credit for the hilarity, but it is mostly Shakespeare's doing. "Romeo and Juliet," contrary to popular belief, was written to be a comedy. The comedic aspect has just been lost through the centuries due to the now-archaic wording.

Consider this my own personal vendetta against people who claim that "Romeo and Juliet" is a shining example of romance at its finest.

Lyrical word vomit. XD I think that more aptly describes Romeo's lines (which happen to be mostly unintelligible emo poetry), but whatever. I shall take special care when translating Friar Lawrence's lines for your sake, then.

*AHEMAHEM* Plz to has response via pm? Or maybe wall. Kthnx.

I don't actually like Romeo and Juliet. It's silly, and everyone dies. I don't like things where everyone dies, and I don't understand why it's held up as such a romantic classic. "Oh, they love each so much that they kill themselves because they can't bear to live without the other! And it's all because their families are fighting! It's just sooooo romantic!"

Sorry. I tend to get lost in the language of Shakespeare (and not in a "this is a beautiful forest" kind of way.)

Having said that--! (Sorry for my little rant--my teacher hating this play (and the fact that I've heard that Shakespeare himself thought it was crap) ((he was a cool teacher)) may have had something to do with my feelings towards it)

I actually laughed out loud. Thank you so much for "translating" this into modern-day English-- I probably could get the jokes in the original if I wanted to, but.... I dunno. Shakespeare's style just doesn't interest me that much. And I'm actually looking forward to the rest of it! Lemme know, huh?

Also, I was up till 3 am last night, so..... I feel a bit add right now. And my eyes keep tearing for no reason. O.o (At least my headache is gone, for now.)