Aveyond

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STORY HERE
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Chapter 1. The Quest
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Rhen is the queen of thais and married to Dameon (yuck!), and Lars is a Teacher at the Academy.
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Rhen sat alone on her throne...bored-as usual- she squirmed and almost fell asleep from sitting u straight, until one of the guards approached her and bowed, "What do you need Guard?" Rhen asked with Boredom mixed in her normal voice.
"Your Majesty, Talia the Dreamer wishes to speak with you, will you allow it?" he stated and asked in the end, she perked up when she heard Talia's name. "Bring her in." she stated in a Queen like Manner, she waited for a few seconds until the door creaked open, there standing before her was Talia, she looked worried, so she sent her guards out to give them peace.
"Talia? What brings you here?" Rhen asked walking down the stairs infront of her throne.
"Rhen it is very Urgent! we need Lars' and Hectors Help!", Hector was also a sorcerer but not as great as Lars is, "What is it Talia tell me!" she shrieked. "We have a new threat, we don't know his name but he is even greater than ahiman." she explained, "Come on we leave and get Lars in the morning, now its time to rest." rhen exclaimed.

* * *

They were back in Velderah within a few days.
Rhen and Talia walked down the halls searching for Lars, once they found him he was in his room practicing a new move he learned, "Lars!!" Rhen Screamed as she gave him a Bone Crushing Bear hug, "What are you doing here? Your supposed to be in Thais!" he was very worried about that. "Where's Hector we need to get going ill explain on the way,!".

It had a nice starting but how come it's so short? my apologies if it was insulting to you. I think you should have continued the story though, for I enjoyed it, and it was very entertaing. You did have some grammatical errors in some areas but they were very minor so I don't think there is any need to point them out. I loved how you described the discomforts of Rhen. It was quite funny. You have a very nice flow in the story. You chose very nice words that kind of added an affect to the lead. I really enjoyed it. I hope i get to read the rest of it^^

Aw, I liked it when Rhen married Dameon. I thought it was so dramatic (and sweet). Finally, someone's written an Aveyond fanfic! Sheesh! The best RPG ever, and-- ahem.



So, like hae-won said, you do have a few grammatical errors. Actually, quite a few. Here, I'll just do this:

Rhen sat alone on her throne...bored-as usual- [this needs to be a period] she squirmed and almost fell asleep from sitting up straight, until one of the guards approached her and bowed, "What do you need Guard?" Rhen asked with Boredom mixed in her normal voice.

"Your Majesty, Talia the Dreamer wishes to speak with you, will you allow it?" he stated and asked in the end, she perked up when she heard Talia's name. "Bring her in." she stated in a Queen like Manner, she waited for a few seconds until the door creaked open, there standing before her was Talia, she looked worried, so she sent her guards out to give them peace.

"Talia? What brings you here?" Rhen asked walking down the stairs infront of her throne.

"Rhen it is very Urgent! we need Lars' and Hector's Help!",[should be a period] Hector was also a sorcerer but not as great as Lars is[you switched from past tenst to present],[should be a perios] "What is it Talia tell me!"[should be a new paragraph] she shrieked. "We have a new threat, we don't know his name but he is even greater than ahiman.[needs to be a comma]" she explained,[period][new paragraph] "Come on we leave and get Lars in the morning, now its time to rest." rhen exclaimed. and a new paragraph for this sentance, too


* * *


They were back in Velderah within a few days.

Rhen and Talia walked down the halls searching for Lars, once they found him he was in his room practicing a new move he learned, "Lars!![you only need one exclamation point]" Rhen Screamed as she gave him a Bone Crushing Bear [you don't need to capitalize these] hug, "What are you doing here? Your supposed to be in Thais!" he was very worried about that. "Where's Hector we need to get going ill [capitalize the I and put an apostrophy between the I and the ll] explain on the way,!".

So, yes continue this! What's going to go on?