Hello-this is my first time posting to *shining eyes* Advanced Critiques, so, please, be mean to me. Tell me whats wronge with My story, why you hate it and how you want little people to come and tear it to bits, but before all that, tell me how to get better,
I just picked this up today, and I'll see how long it takes me to get back to you with a review. Just have patience, and I'll get it done as soon as possible.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
Okay. I just finished now, actually. Interesting concept, and it's actually entertaining to read. There's one main problem here though; you're dancing between present tense and past tense, and it's very, very distracting. Stick with one tense. If you want your characters to be spoken about in present tense, then you need to keep it that way in dialogue and everything else. Same thing wiht past tense. Mixing the tenses only confuses the reader. So pick one tense.
The other thing here is that it's difficult to tell when one of the characters is thinking. I'd italicise their thoughts every time they're thinking; it just helps readers to note that something's going on. Besides that, I think when you were explaining the background of the characters, you were doing a bit too much telling, not enough showing, you know what I mean? Don't info-dump so much; find other ways to explain the backstories of the characters. Some telling is all right, but too much can only make the story bland to read.
Well, you said you wanted to know what's up with your story. I must say, it's an entertaining read, and fairly humourous. If you can fix the problems I've pointed out, I think the story will only improve from here on out. Very nice work so far, so keep going, and keep working hard at it.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
Okay, I just read a few sentences and I will give this a critque. Like above I will take a while on mine as I intend to edit the whole story. If you give me a week or so, I should be able to attach a word document back with the edits and comments, is that alright?
ps. also this will be my first advanced critique so sorry If its bad.
izzy
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
I'll get back to you by the weekend, I read a couple pages so far and I already love it.
I am nothing but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's or maybe like pocket candy that's just a bit too sweet.
Lil Doc.doc
