In a Time of Dragons

In the beginning of the New World, there were only two creatures. Two dragons. Kalashein, Goddess of the Moon. And Morako, God of the Sun. The pair were lonely in their New World, and so they decided to create more beings to populate the lands. Humans were first. Morako gave them his fire, Kalashein gave them her understanding. Next came the Elves. To them Morako gave his love of life, Kalashein gave them her secrets. They also made other creatures. Animals for the Humans and Elves to hunt, to take care of, and to be wary of. Finally, the first Dragons were born. Morako and Kalashein gave them the task of watching over all the other creatures. When they were done, the great pair, the First Dragons, named their new world Alanmeir. Satisfied with their work, they ascended to the heavens, where they were made into constellations. But in their absence, a new power rose. A darkness that descended over all of the Dragons. A powerful enemy rose up from the depths, and the creatures of Morako and Kalashein named him Paficeit. Under his rule, the Humans and Elves were made into slaves, with the exception of those that chose to join him. While he raided and plundered the many villages that dotted the landscape, and enslaved the Dragons that he could find, or enslave and bend to his will, a small band of rebels gathered in the Forest of Yanin. This group included runaway slaves of all races, and those few Dragons that were able to escape the notice of Paficeit. As the rebels grew, so did their army. Soon a war erupted between those loyal to the new lord, and those that prayed for the day when Morako and Kalashein would come back.

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Name Pronunciations:

Names are pronounced: Kalashein (cala-sheen) Morako (more-ak-oh) Paficeit (pah-fi-seat) Alanmeir (Alan-meer)

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Note:

This is a beginning I wrote for a role-playing thread I created on another site. I showed this to my mother and she suggested I expand upon it. I would, but I want to know what everyone else thinks before I do. Do you like it so far? Or should I just leave it as a beginning for a role-play? I welcome your critiques.

Hmm. Well, I think it's a good premise for a world, a nice overview of the Beginning. It's certainly direct and clear in establishing the basic history. The writing wasn't great, but I don't think that's really the focus, anyway. I don't think this draft would belong in the story or book as is, but it's good to keep in mind for yourself. If you do want to improve the writing, make sure the sentences are complete--subject and predicate and all that--and maybe vary the length; at the moment they're rather short and staccato.

Anyway, I thought it was a good start to something, and I'd be interested to see where it goes.

~Sophie

Heya there!

So you want an opinion eh? Here is mine:

It is an interesting idea. I really enjoy the fact that two dragons created their world and left it to fend for itself. It's quite an interesting concept. I would defiantly expand upon it. Create some characters--those rebels or even someone within the enemy's circle. As Sophie said above me, I wouldn't put this into a story as it is. I would explain all this gradually as not to info dump on your reader. It would be quite easy to create a story out of this. So don't hesitate. Go ahead and have some fun!

Meadow

P.S. It also reminds me of a story I wrote for English five years ago about three dragons who created earth. It was supposed to be a myth about how the world was made. The whole time I read your beginning, that's what I thought of

Wow this is really amazing - I've always been into mythology and this is very very good - its different to alot of the other dragon stuff i've read and it's nearly as good as my favourite author 'Sherrilyn Kenyon'. xxx

Thank you all for your reviews. ^^

Hi,

This is great, you should definitely espand on it, it would make a great book. On my part I'm dying to find out what happens next, like who wins the war, who are the heroes, who are the villains, what their names are and what happens to them?

This piece shows great potential as a story and if you decide to expand on the idea, it would make a great prologue.

I think you are an amazing writer,
keep up the good work.
Clara

P.S. Hope to be able to read the entire story sometime in the future.

I really like this, it has great potential. I like how you branched off of everything, and made everything come to be. I can't wait to read the next part!

Hello and props for posting.

I would have to agree with all the previous posts. As I read I could imagine a classroom and a teacher explaining the history to students. Over all I like the dragons as the "creators" and the gifts to thir creations. Just throw some more time into it and see where it goes.

Very interrseting, slightly predictable, but all the better for it. I would love to see what comes of this story

Eeee! ^^ Thank you to everyone who critiqued and gave their opinions on my story (or what there is of it). I'm glad you all think its good. But again, thank you so much for critiquing! ^^