My Scar

My Scar

Hello..This poem is currently under construction since I couldn't figure out how to delete it I'm editing it now though!

-ash

Well, you said please. Jon here!

It is red-

red as the early moon,

swathed in brilliant rubies,

rising just at noon-

It is my wound.

Your rhyme scheme here is ABCB. you said the rhythm was off and this may be why. You never have to rhyme in poetry, but, it may help here. Also, you have to watch your syllable count. The amount of syllables in your lines should be around the same number if you want it to flow easier. Also, you are talking about a scar, yes? Why would a scar only show up at noon? Just because this is a poem, doesn't mean it shouldn't make sense like prose.

sheathed in dusky ink,

falling before the light-

If a scar is in the light, why would it be hidden? You say that it is in the light, no? Also, watch your word usage. They can totally make the meaning different. You say, "Sheathed" which means hidden. Then, you contradict yourself by saying it is being shown "before the light".

It is my wound.

This is a bit redundant. We, as an audience, already know that.

It is pink-

pink as the bright sunrise,

cloaked in radiant cerise,

In these three lines, you say the sky is pink three times. Once again you have to watch the redundancy. "Cerise" is french for a cherry pink. So, what you're really saying is, "It is pink, The sunrise is pink, and it is cloaked in pink." Redundant, yes?

tearing away night's skies-

It is my scar.

I thought we were talking about the sunrise? This is too much of a jump from your previous lines. Remember, in poetry you have to keep it flowing from idea to idea. However, you can jump from ideas when you do it correctly. To jump from an idea, finish it and put in a transition line.

the last glowing ember-

I like how you use the word, "Ember" as a symbol for their love that was a fire, but now is only this. Great job on this little bit here.


Work on it and fix it up!


---Jon---

Hi, I just stopped by to say few things about your poem.

break~my~heart wrote:It is red-
red as the early moon,
swathed in brilliant rubies,
rising just at noon-
It is my wound.

Here's a quote from RoseyUnicorn's grammar tip:

"Dashes-

They have a rather universal role, taking the place of both interrupter commas and colons. The reason you’d use a dash instead of another punctuation mark is for emphasis. Dashes will surround something that requires extra attention from the reader, introduce a choppy or panicked sentence element, to show a sudden break in dialogue or to show a character being cut off.

Example for introduction: I did one thing wrong, however—I underestimated him

[s]Example for surrounding things: I couldn’t believe it when Jenny – my best friend since kindergarten—betrayed me. [/s] "
Now, here's the thing:
Example for choppy elements: Suddenly there was a sound— cannon fire!
See? She didn't said: "...there was a sound-sound of cannon fire" The repetition is slowing things down here anyway, so I think the poem would be better without it.
If you want to use "as" you can't keep the dash. Now you have to choose: dash or as?

Hey.

Great job! There's just a few things I'd like to say.....

"It is my scar" and "It is my wound" are a bit redundant. As Jon said, we, the audience, already know that.

The pink part is also pretty redundant, but I don't know if you wanted it like that or not.

The jump between midnight and the sunrise was a little too big.....

I loved how you described the scar as a sunset, to midnight, to a sunrise.

I also loved the last bit about the glowing ember. I thought that it described the situation perfectly.

Great job and keep up the good work!

zOe

i agree with the comments above like blue dragon said the jump between midnight and sunrise was a little long however i would suggest maybe adding one other stanza maybe about dusk.

thanks everyone I'll get round to it pretty soon

-ash