Resentment

Chap. 1
Absent-mindedly, I twirled the fork around and around until it created a great mound of pasta in the middle of the plate. Then I let it drop, and scooped it back up again, repeating the same pattern.

" Nothing I give the little missus will ever satisfy her. I think the child is deaf or dumb. She won't eat, sleep, talk, or even play like them other children do. I've run out of ideas m'lady", Debbie whispered to Lady Claire. I ignored them, and tried to put my full attention on the plate of pasta in front of me.

" Perhaps if we give her some more time to adapt to her new home, she might start to open up towards us. Oh, and don't even think that the child is deaf or dumb! My brother was the most well-known doctor in London and his wife was a fine teacher in Oxford, there can't possibly be a dumb or deaf child from them. The child is just in trauma, leave her be, she will soon eat when she is hungry. Now go do about your business Debbie. We have guests coming shortly this evening.",she waved dismissively and went to the drawing room with her hand on her head, as if talking about her niece was stressful.

Sighing heavily, the old maid went back to dusting the tapestries. I slipped quietly out of my chair when I had seen that everyone was busy. Swiftly, I moved through the colossal mansion, ignoring all its finery's, headed to the pond in the back. Tiny tadpoles roamed freely through the clear liquid, Lily pads floated lightly on the water, dragonflies left little ripples reverberating everywhere. I sat down on a patch of grass next to the pond and daydreamed. What would happen if there was no cycle in life? No ending , no beginning, no middle...just going on. I pondered on that for a little while and when I couldn't get an answer, I switched to something else. What would happen if mother and father had never..

Before I could finish, two warm and excited fingers covered over my eyes, "You daydream about the most mysterious things. I wish I knew what you were thinking."
I smiled slyly, " You know Eddy, I think it's more amusing when you get annoyed because you don't know what I'm thinking. Don't you think so?"
He chuckled quietly and slowly took his warm hands off my eyes. I turned to face him. A small gasp slipped out of my lips. Eddy was growing more dashing every time I see him. Those pale gray eyes had a certain misty complexion to them. One couldn't find any tension in those eyes, just a carefree feeling. I wondered to myself if a person could even really have gray eyes. Dark brown hair, almost black, curled softly over his head and ears. His face was a sculpture. It almost appeared as if a talented artist had just chiseled a masterpiece but was too lazy to make the finishing touches. Several silent minutes passed as we both studied each others face. It had been so long since we've seen each other, that I had almost forgot his face.
"Margaret, you're more beautiful than the last time we met last year at the train station. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be in your presence, for I'm just a plain, school boy.", he whispered.
"Liar, take it back , I was an ugly duckling since birth and I always will be,so don't try to make me feel better. And never compare me to yourself!" I warned.
He sighed and ran his large hand through his soft, wavy hair. I wished to touch it so badly. "Everything, your long golden hair, your pale, creamy complexion, your face is equal to that of a fairy, and your bright, blue eyes...." As if lost in thought, he didn't finish. Then finally snapping out of it, " I'm also quite partial to blue eyes.", he smiled to himself.

Blushing a deep crimson, I looked away. Wishing to change the subject, "I'm annoyed Eddy. Lady Claire acts like she wants to fuss over me when she doesn't even know how to. Every person in the household knows that I was brought here out of pity from Uncle Claire. Just because Father and Mother are gone, doesn't mean i have to let pity in my life. I feel as if all my pride and dignity are being washed out. They treat me like a burden and a little dumb girl." I almost shouted on that one.

"Margaret, I suspect part of the reason is that you refuse to eat, talk, or socialize with anyone except me. I know you're not familiar with those people, but you should try to adapt. Of course I know it will take time for you are still in mourning for your parents. And the pity? Who can help it? You have nowhere to go, it's common sense they take you in. Also if you didn't know, Uncle and Lady Claire care for you. They just never had any children so they're not experienced in fussing. Just open up to them. Give them a chance Margaret.", he grabbed my chin and stared down at me.
"Oh..okay, Eddy, I will try.", awkwardly I shifted away from his hand. He grinned. I still felt that our age gap would always be noticeable. Eddy is 16 and I'm only 12. Childish emotions were still in me, while Eddy was more mature than a person his age should be. He was almost ready for college, while I was still struggling in school. Lady Claire is supporting him in his studies for his father was a faithful worker, before he had passed away.

I lied down on the soft grass, and put an arm over my eyes to help block the ever- brightening sun. He did the same. We both lay there as if we didn't have a care for the world.
"Edson! The Lady wants you to help her workers move all the chairs on the patio to the storage room. Hurry now! Guests are coming soon!" He jumped up and paused for a moment before leaving, then mouthed, "bye".
I sat up quietly and stared down at the crystal-like water. A creeping feeling of loneliness was overcoming me. " Mother, Father, I hate you." As I glared down at my reflection, I was surprised to see a tiny tear leaking down my face.

Hello! I'm DaNay and welcome to YWS!

I don't mean that there was any flaws in his face, just that it would be impossible to make it better than his handsome face already was.

This sentence reads a bit awkward. Maybe you could reword to make it flow better.

"Margaret, you're beautiful than the last time we met last year at the train station. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be in your presence, for I'm just a plain, school boy.", he whispered.

You forgot the more between you're and beautiful. Take out the period inside the quotation and replace it with the comma outside it.

A creeping feeling of loneliness was overcoming me. " Mother, Father, I hate you.", I whispered this to myself.

This is just my opinion but I think deleting the I whispered this to myself will add more edge to the end of the chapter.

I really like this piece. I think you did a good job maintaining the vintage style dialogue. I thought the part with Eddy and Margaret was really sweet. I also think you did a good job of illustrating the type relationship they have. I'm interested to see where this goes. Good work!

Hello!
*glomps on nit-picking*

" Nothing I give the little missus will ever satisfy her. M'lady I think the child is deaf or dumb. She won't eat, sleep, talk, or even play like them other children do. I've run out of ideas m'lady", Debbie whispered to Lady Claire.

The quotation marks should be against the words. The quotation marks should also be outside the comma.
Also, the following sentence says that you ignored them, but obviously 'Debbie' was trying not to let you hear. Perhaps you can insert a little sentence like, 'But even though Debbie had whispered, I had heard her as if she had been speaking to me herself. I ignored her.'

coming shortly this evening.",

Waaaay too much puntaction. Should just be, "coming shortly this evening." Then the following sentence should be captalized.
Just in case you weren't going to capatlize it, you only keep the sentence following the quotation marks in lowercase if you're saying 'said blank'. For example:
"But, no, I don't want to go," whined Sarah.
That is a perfect example of what I'm trying to say, since I can't explain.
But here's what you never do:
"But, no, I don't want to go," she waved away her food with dismissal.
NEVER do that. Always make the 'she waved away etc' a seperate sentence. Don't feel bad, though; I did the same exact mistake all the time when I was younger.
Also, with that entire paragraph, you had me slightly confused. Throughout the entire thing, you never said who was talking until the end. Try to clarify that earlier on.

finery's

First off, I'm not sure if that's even a word. x[} Second off, the apostrophe s means the possesive of something, and the finery is not owning something, it's being pular--therefore I believe it would be actually spelled 'fineries' or something to that extent. Go on your Word document and type that in. See what happenes. =[}

Lily pads floated lightly on the water,

Since Lily is not being used as a name, it's lowercased.

It almost appeared as if a talented artist had just chiseled a masterpiece but was too lazy to make the finishing touches. I don't mean that there was any flaws in his face, just that it would be impossible to make it better than his handsome face already was.

Everything here makes perfect sense until 'just that it would be impossible to make it better than his handsome face already was'. Finishing touches make things better, no? And when you said he didn't have the finishing touches I was imagined that as he grew he would gain those finishing touches, but now you say he can't. Perhaps it's just me, but that's confusing.

school boy.",

"Liar, take it back , I was an ugly duckling since birth and I always will be,so don't try to make me feel better. And never compare me to yourself!" I warned.

The spacebar can be used as a good thing. It can also be used as a bad thing.
No space bar between 'back' and the comma.
A space bar between be and the comma.
And don't type 'space bar'. Use the space bar. Be the space bar. x[}

He sighed and ran his large hand through his soft, wavy hair. I wished to touch it so badly. "Everything, your long golden hair, your pale, creamy complexion, your face is equal to that of a fairy, and your bright, blue eyes...." As if lost in thought, he didn't finish. Then finally snapping out of it, " I'm also quite partial to blue eyes.", he smiled to himself.

It was very confusing who was talking here, because you mentioned yourself before the words. I totally thought it was you speaking.
There should be a colon, too, instead of a comma after 'everything'. But I don't really understand the everything. Please take it out?
Also, you did the puntaction thing again. >_<

Wishing to change the subject I said, "I'm annoyed Eddy."

Yeah. Just sounds prettier. xP

doesn't mean i have to let pity in my life.

Oh no you di'n't.
Captalize that 'I', young lady! Now! x[}

"Margaret, I suspect part of the reason is that you refuse to eat, talk, or socialize with anyone except me.

"Margaret, I suspect that's part of the reason..."
Otherwise it sounds really weird.

Give them a chance Margaret.",

T.T

Eddy, I will try.",

Is. Getting. Really. Annoying.

Eddy is 16 and I'm only 12. Childish emotions were still in me, while Eddy was more mature than a person his age should be. He was already almost ready for college, while I was still struggling in school. Lady Claire is supporting him in his studies for his father was a faithful worker, before he had passed away.

What did you just do to me?! We changed from past tense to present tense. Aaagh.

ever- brightening sun.

Spacebar. Bad thing.

then mouthed "bye".

Even though you're only mouthing it, you use it as if you're speaking. Meaning it would be, 'then mouthed, "Bye." '

Mother, Father, I hate you.",

And I hate your puntaction.

Wow. Despite the terrible nitpicks, that was actually very good, Hae!
I was constantly confused whether Mother and Father died or were still alive or dead, or why she was here. You must post a next part or edit. *nod nod*
I really enjoyed it. You have a great style of writing that I can definately picture.
Work out my nitpicks, and add some descripition of the parents. It seems a little foggy.

PM me for any comments or questions (or when/if you post the next part)!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

....I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the corrections, but I will try to correct most of them. Thanks so much for spending the time to read my writing and editing it. I do have some issues with punctuation and such because I just write and never stop until I'm done. Also...I never check it Actually I have a change of mind. I'm not going to correct my writing. Instead, I'm going to leave it as it is and let people read the comments and corrections you all have made. As they read, they can see all my mistakes and flaws. I don't want my writing to be absolutely perfect. I want to show my writing to people as if it was a rough draft. Just to get a feel of it. Of course, this is definitely not the final copy! I corrected the mistakes on my own computer. I know you might think I'm lazy and such, but I like to see all my past mistakes and know what kind of problems I need to fix. You guys are great teachers, wish I should learn from. Thanks^^

^_________^ thanks again,

Hae-won

Don't worry we all have our own style! I never proofread anything.

This is just a short one because it seems like your piece has been critiqued a lot.

hae-won wrote:Chap. 1
Absently, I twirled the fork around and around until it created a great mound of pasta in the middle of the plate. Then I just let the pasta fall back onto the plate, repeating the same pattern.

Absently? Maybe absent-mindedly? Just my opinion. Also, I'm confused about the setting as they're talking like they are from the past with all the "m'lady"'s, but did they have pasta back then? Also if they are in England (again I;m just assuming) then I am pretty sure pasta was not readily available in what seems like possibly Victorian or Elizabethan England.

The sentence itself, "Then I just let the pasta fall back onto the plate, repeating the same pattern" seems a little bit much. How about: "then I let it drop, and scooped it back up again, repeating the same pattern." I just feel you repeat two many words and it doesn't seem to flow right.

" Nothing I give the little missus will ever satisfy her. M'lady I think the child is deaf or dumb. She won't eat, sleep, talk, or even play like them other children do. I've run out of ideas m'lady", Debbie whispered to Lady Claire.

I think you should get rid of the second "m'lady" as the rod lady is used three times in this sentence.

"My brother was the most well-known doctor in London and his wife was a fine teacher in Faith University"
Could you not use a real university's name?

"she waved dismissively and went to the drawing room with her hand on her head, as if talking about her niece was stressful."
You should consider using the old mantra "show, don't say" here. So instead of just saying "went to the drawing room... as if talking about her niece was stressful", you should imply that it was stressful by the way she furrowed her brow. Just my opinion, it seems a little didactic.

"the old maid"
haha an old maid is like a spinster, maybe you just mean a maid who is old? Perhaps an "elderly maid"? Also most maids were young, housekeepers were old.

I slipped quietly out of my chair when I saw that everyone was busy

I pondered on that for a little while and when I couldn't get an answer, I switched to something else.

That's a slightly boring sentence, is it really needed. You should only go into your characters heads if they have something interesting to say, otherwise the reader loses interest.

Of course I know it will take time for you are still in mourn for your parents.

You mean "mourning", perhaps?

He was already almost ready for college

Repeated use of the word "ready" here. If I were you, I would remove the first "already".

We both lay there, as if we didn't have a care for the world.

No need for the comma.

he jumped up and paused for a moment before leaving, then mouthed "bye".

Capital h for "he" as it follows an exclamation point. Similarly, there should be a comma after the word "mouthed".


Also just to comment on something you said here:

Actually I have a change of mind. I'm not going to correct my writing. Instead, I'm going to leave it as it is and let people read the comments and corrections you all have made. As they read, they can see all my mistakes and flaws.

That's very kind of you, but it would be easier for us to criticize if you edited after each person has criticized it so that we don't have to read every criticism to make sure we don't repeat ha ha!

Hope I was helpful, good luck with your piece

*Rubs eyes* Woah, okay!

Hey! Welcome! Feel free to call me mars.

Alrighty, well I see that most of the nit picks have been done for me so I shall not bore you with repeats.

There is only one issue I found with the entire thing, what is the time period?
I am terribly sorry if this has already been pointed out to you it was just the one thing that is bothering me. It just seems uncertain, like it could take place anywhere from 17th to early 19th century. Sorry!

Other then that odd little thing I thought it was awesome. I really liked it, I can not say that much because I have yet find out much on the story but what you have going is certainly interesting. You have good flow and a very good way of leaving us wondering but not too much that we feel lost.

I can't wait to find out what happens, with both her opening up and the whole past thing with her parents and why she is left with this apparent (and I have a feeling, guilty) anger at their deaths.

Oh my, and what is there to say about Eddy? *drools*

Hm, lets just say I enjoyed it and can not wait to find out more about that mysterious relationship!

Once again, great job! Please PM when you post the next chapter!

O_o okay... well it is very overwhelming on the corrections. Sorry about all those mistakes^^. I kinda rushed Oh and the time period is 1932 or 1935, haven't really decided yet. I'm trying to make it before the war starts. Just to put a little spice and tragedy to my story. Thanks for all your suggestions! Oh, and I'm very glad everyone likes it. I'm working on the second chapter, it will be out soon. And I'm going to not try to put in too many "mladys"^^. I don't exactly know if there was ever pasta in that era but I mean it's romance "fiction", we can make anything happen in our story then , right? I'm not trying to make this historical fiction. Just trying to have a vintage theme towards it. And for you Luvzi12, I might be thinking about fixing it...if I don't feel lazy :p . well thanks for all your comments!

Well, I don't see how I story set in the past can't be historical fiction and that usually means sticking to the period with extensive research... so honestly I would say no to the pasta if it wasn't there. however, in 1935 it would be there, although the "m'ladys" are unlikely in 1935. Language had developed then and it wasn't very common as far as I am aware, but by all means prove me wrong

However, if you want it to be a piece of fiction and change things around a bit, you can, but I would personally be confused It's still a good piece though I just thought I would bring it to your attention because I once read a piece of fanfiction about Fullhouse where the Dad had a mobile phone, but this was in the late eighties, where they didn't have mobile phones haha!

As I said, it is your story I just offered the critique, what you do and don't use from that is up to you Great work, keep it up

Well I'm going to leave the pasta there anyway^^. Oh and I made some corrections. Some I just left because I thought they were minor. I changed the ending also a little bit. I took everyones suggestions and put it into one. Thanks for all the advice^^

Hi darling! You request, I come.

M'kay, I know Aushy kinda already went over this, but I see it again still.

" Nothing I give the little missus will ever satisfy her. I think the child is deaf or dumb. She won't eat, sleep, talk, or even play like them other children do. I've run out of ideas m'ladyhere!",

That comma needs to be inside the punctuation marks. Not after it, for then it will be wrong. It should be where the here! is. You do this throughout the whole piece, but it's supposed to be that way, darling. I have trouble with it too, so don't fret over it.

finery's

Agreeing with Aushy, that 's should not be there. Does the finery own anything? I do not think so! It should be fineries, darling.

No ending , no beginning, no middle...just going on.

What would happen if mother and father had never..

Okay, so I like what you have here. The girl is thinking (it can also help the story if you put the thoughts in italics. It really does help) some pretty serious thoughts. I think if you moved some of the thoughts around though, it could help build up some mystery and suspense.

In the first quote/thought, you say no ending first. Instead of saying it first, why not say it last, then trail off. Because her parents have died or left her, no? So from what I've seen here, it could help build more of the suspense if that was the last thing she said, then trailing off. And it would bring more to her character, like she doesn't want to think about it really.

Plus, it would go in order then. No beginning, no middle, no end...

Before I could finish, two warm and excited fingers covered over my eyes,

Two fingers? Wouldn't it be hard to cover someone's eyes with two fingers? I think you meant two hands, maybe?

Eddy was growing more dashing every time I see him.

"Margaret, you're more beautiful than the last time we met last year at the train station.

"Edson! The Lady wants you to help her workers move all the chairs on the patio to the storage room. Hurry now! Guests are coming soon!"

This part is confusing me some. The first and definitely the second quotes makes if sound like she doesn't see him very much. But the second quote suggests that he's a regular person who shows up. That's just a confusing point there for me, darling.



Okay, so I love this idea you have, Hae. The emotional conflict of a young girl who just lossed her parents and the longing she has for an older boy. I can't wait to see how the two situations end up in this story.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, darling.

*Lin

^__________________^ thank you lin!