Tied Up

I wrote this today, it's kind of about being stuck and misunderstood. Let me know what you think! Thanks

'Tied up'

Not available, that’s how I feel.
A new toy at Christmas
Waiting being taken out to play
But between the cable ties and bondage
Holding it in place.
I’ve been cast aside.
“I can’t get it open mummy”



It’s on display.
Through the clear plastic case
Just waiting to be let out
For someone to come along
That doesn’t mind all the knots and tangles.
Who doesn’t mind waiting that bit long to untie me.

Hi there Red_Star! First off, I have to wonder why it is you haven’t had a review yet because in my opinion this is actually fairly good.

Waiting being taken out to play

Rewrite to say “Waiting to be taken out to play.” I have a feeling that you probably wanted it to read more like this anyway.

“I can’t get it open mummy”

First off all, this lacks a punctuation mark. Secondly, well, something feels wrong about the use of ‘mummy’ here. Are you trying to make a figurative look at mummies who are tied up already or is that just how you say ‘mommy’ because as far as sound goes, I think mommy would be better suited.

All together, I liked the last half of this. It’s so blunt that there aren’t any silly, frilly emotions. I like it. Sometimes emotions are best displayed when you’re being blunt.

Anyway, I did really like this and I think it deserves a gold star. *slaps a shiny gold star sticker on your forehead*

Hello,
I'm glad to be your reviewer for today:)
I am also surprised there haven't been more reviews. There was good. I love the imagery you use This idea of being tangled up and waiting for that one person to come along and take the time to untangle, thats new to me. Very unique!

Bravo!

-Tiffany

Hello!

I notice you're relatively new to the site so welcome!!

I liked this a lot! It was very direct and, as lilymoore said, blunt which works very well here and portrays the emotion simply and honestly.

I only have 3 little points...

1) I feel as if this should be longer? One more stanza maybe? I don't know it just seemed it ended a bit too abruptly. Perhaps not though as on the other hand the length works nicely with the blunt, direct tone of the poem. Hmm...I'm a little undecided but I thought I would share my thoughts anyway!

2) Just a tiny thing- in your last line I think it should be 'longer'?

3) I don't think you need to explain what the poem is about! If you want people to be certain about what it is you're writing about, but you still feel as if you need to explain it, then there is something missing. Only you can decide what this is obviously. Or maybe you don't want its meaning to be explicit, however, then you have to be prepared for lots of different interpretations. Either way I don't think you should have the explanation.

I'm not fantastic when it comes the nitty-gritty bits of poetry, I just love to read and I do try and say something a little but constructive but i'm sorry if it's completely unhelpful!

As I said, overall I liked it a lot!
Keep it up!
Sofi.

Hey...Thanks for the reviews guys

First off, Mummy is "mommy" in the UK, just to clear that up, I'm not talking about Egyptian mummies, hehe

Secondly, the intro bit is kind of just cause I am new and not really sure how this whole thing works! Hehe, I shall leave them off in future Its quite clear what this ones about, but some of the stuff i write is a bit abstract, this wasn't though! Oops!

Yeah it is a bit short, I wrote it the other night just before dinner it was quite quickly written, one of those spur of the moment things that comes too you, I shall try put another Stanza into it and edit once I have

Thankies again for the reviews guys

Star xxx

I love this analogy! So sweet and well thought out.

I stumbled over this phrase a little:

"Who doesn’t mind waiting that bit long to untie me."

Did you mean, "who doesn't mind waiting a bit longer to untie me"?



"But between the cable ties and bondage

Holding it in place.

I’ve been cast aside."


I love the imagery here, but I think you're going to want a comma rather than a period after "holding it in place."

GREAT JOB!

~Sunny

Woah. I LOVEEDDDD the analogy.

Waiting being taken out to play

That part doesn't really make sense. Shouldn't it be "Waiting to be taken out to play"? Anyways, great poetry.