Stairway of Light

Here you go Shina.

Ths Poem in on the nothern lights, and how they relate to heaven.


A snowy winter plain lay under the starry night sky,

Glowing stars seemed dwarfed by the more magnificent scene

A rainbow of swirling color hovered in a frozen waste land

It glowed with both power and beauty.



The wavy squares were like a path up into the sky

The stars around it were angels, new souls

All on their way to the white paradise in the sky

A simplistic, but a wondrous oasis, hidden in the clouds



The sight only seemed to radiate a stronger feeling of strength

A spiritual glow seemed to emanate from this stairway into the sky

The miracle of color and spirituality blended in sanctuary

The stars of night sky were like lights in a mist of wonder

Hello. =] I'll keep this brief because I'm supposed to be working. ^_^

A snowy winter plain lay under the starry night sky.
Bright stars seemed dwarfed by the more magnificent scene
A rainbow of swirling color hovered in frozen waste land
It glowed with both power, and beauty.

Firstly, put a full stop at the end of that second and third lines. But now, with correct grammar, it feels odd. You've got a new sentence every line and it seems too static and dull to mean much really. It would just read better as prose, and so you want to connect some of these lines. Secondly, look at this picture:

http://otter.covblogs.com/archives/images/northern_lights_lg.jpg

Is there honestly no other way that you can describe this scene? The first line is bland, rather boring--lots of adjectives and not a lot of substance. Specifying that something is winter often leads to us believe there will be snow involved. I think that just saying, "lay under the night" for the second part keeps it neat and tidy, but then, it's all you're goanna need for what you want to say. The second line implies that there are stars. In that second line, you'll want to remove the passive tense to shorten it down and just make it flow better; "a more magnificent scene dwarfed these stars" might be one way.

The last line has a good idea. Keep the power bit, but the beauty aspect really should be covered in the bit before; it's a bit of a sweeping statement, I think, and doesn't really say a whole lot. :wink;

The wavy squares looked like a path straight into the sky
The stars around it were like angels, and new souls
All on their way to the white paradise in the sky
A simplistic, but a wondrous oasis, hidden in the clouds

I do like this and I think it's much better--I actually think that this would be a better way to start it off. No introduction, just straight in there, and we'll work out what's going on if it's accurate enough providing you indicate it's in the sky and all (which of course you do).

I've begun to notice that your grammar has deteriorated. The first letter of every line does not need to be a capital letter--only if it's a new sentence, or whatever, as with prose. However, the real problems are with the commas and full stops (or lack thereof). Thing is, you start the poem using proper grammar, but then by the end of the poem, there's nothing and that contrast really does disrupt the flow.

The sight only seemed to radiate a stronger feeling of strength
A spiritual glow seemed to emanate from this Stair way into the sky
The miracle of color and spirituality blended in perfectly
The stars of night sky were like lights in a mist of wonder

The first line in this stanza means absolutely nothing to me. It only seemed to show a stronger feeling of strength? I wasn't really expecting anything else, so this is says little of any significance. Once again, you've got a fairly boring rhythm with just a sentence every line and there's no real variation. The last line is mysterious and it's a good tone to end with, but, the simile is very figurative. I don't know many "mist of wonder"s, so the aim of the simile, to relate this magnificent scene through somthing more ordinary, doesn't really work that well. My advice would be to come up with something that you can relate to--in this case, the lights are light in a mist of wonder, and so nothing really more is said. Perhaps foglights in a winter haze? Something more interesting? Up to you.

Some of the imagery in the poem really did stand out for me (a stairway into heaven is a fantastic idea) but the lack of flow is rather boring. I think you rely too much on adjectives to get across your message, and so I'd cut them down and see what you have left. Remember to get across your idea in as few words as possible.

Well, I hope I helped! Let me know if I can help. =]

Best
Blinky

Hi! Here to review

A snowy winter plain lay under the starry night sky.

I think that period would do better being a comma

Bright stars seemed dwarfed by the more magnificent scene

"Bright" has been used so many times for describing stars. I would maybe think of a synonym? Glowing, maybe?

A rainbow of swirling color hovered in frozen waste land

You need to add an "a" after "in". Also, wasteland is one word.

It glowed with both power, and beauty.

You should either get rid of the comma or the "and". One should be gone, and I think getting rid of the comma would be best.

The wavy squares looked like a path straight into the sky

Try messing around with this a little. It sounds too much like you are telling us, not showing. Maybe try getting rid of the "looked"? It seems to make it a bit better. I also would consider deleting this "straight", but that would mess with the rhythm here, so be very careful about changing this, whatever you decide to do.

The stars around it were like angels, and new souls

Toss the "like" and the "and". Doesn't it sounds better? It makes it sound more confident, and beautiful to me.

A simplistic, but a wondrous oasis, hidden in the clouds

Awesomesauce. Beautiful. Love it!

A spiritual glow seemed to emanate from this Stair way into the sky

Stairway is one word, and it need not be capitalized

The miracle of color and spirituality blended in perfectly

Different than perfectly, please. Perhaps "sanctuary"? I don't know why I was thinking that, but try it on for size, why don'tcha?

Over-all

It seems like your punctuation was awesome in the first stanza, but in the other two you started slacking off a bit. I liked the lack, but if you start with something you should stick with it [when it comes to punctuation, at least]. I love your use of long lines; I'm so used to seeing short little ones, but you used these long ones perfectly, and with good harmony and structure.

Wonderful job!

~April