The Regiments, scene 2

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8:26 AM
Year 6021
Latvia, Rune City

21 years later…

Shiva stood behind the counter cleaning a wrought beer glass as she gazed out the delivery’s front door. She watched as people strolled mindlessly, almost robotically, like zombies down the streets. East Avenue was right outside the delivery station where most of the people walked on the eroding sidewalks that traced the buildings in the city like old chalk. It was hot out and there was no wind. Just as she set down the glass she had been cleaning her whole shift, the phone rang from upstairs. Some people looked up at her, but when she showed no intention of going upstairs to get it they went back to reading or making exchange with each other. As the phone continued to ring she made a move towards the stairs, but the ringing stopped and she headed back to the counter to clean another cup. She watched as another customer came in just as the phone started ringing again.
“He’s not here… he’s never here,” Shiva said to herself. The phone rang a few more times and finally went silent, only so that it could start ringing again for the third time. “Ugh.” Shiva breathed, slamming the other glass down on the counter and headed up the narrow enclosed staircase. She picked the phone up and held it to her ear.
“Hello, this is the Harperwind Goodale Delivery. Can I help you?” Shiva said, turning around to face the window.
“Is this Shiva?”
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“It’s Kyle. How have you been?”
“I’ve been great.”
“Hey listen, we’ve got something big. Is Tidus there?”
“He’s never- no.”
“Well something creepy is going on at the Latvia Mountains. Right near the Forbidden Forest, and he was called to check it out. Do you know when he’ll be back?”
“No.”
“Doesn’t he own the place?”
“No, we both run it.”
“So why do you run it all the time?”
“I guess he has other things to do.”
“Well good luck. Oh could you ship some more Goodales to the Reno and me?”
“Sure.”
“Bye-”
“Tell Reno I said hi, okay?” Shiva said dismissively.
“Al… right…Good… Shiva.” The line suddenly went dead.
“Kyle?” Shiva hesitated and pulled the phone away from her ear and stared out the window. The usual gray color the city had was even darker today as stormy clouds began to settle over Rune City. Just as the first few drops of rain fell from the sky, Shiva felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t jump, but turned around setting the phone onto its receiver. Tidus looked beat and worn like his usual self.
“Why aren’t you at the counter?” he asked taking his rain coat off. His face was handsome with brown hair and bangs that always hung over his eyes.
“The phone was ringing and-”
“They could have left a message… just go back to work, a customer was waiting down there for a shipment of our Goodale Beer.”
“Whatever.” Shiva said pushing past him. He sighed, and watched until she finally got back to the counter, and then flopped down in his beaten recliner chair in the corner.

4:23 PM
Year 6021
Latvia Mountains, border of Alvarna and Latvia

Kyle sat in the pilot’s seat with his hands clutched tightly on the controls of the air craft, Strife Maker. The large helicopter hovered low over the dark dust clouds that were billowing out from the gigantic crater known as the Latvia Mountains. The sky was a rich blue as you looked to the east, but if you looked west towards the mountains it was orange and menacingly dark from the occasional bomb or cannon setting off in the crater.
“Captain, are you there?” Kyle said into his headset. There was a static crackling on the other end as he tried to get Strife Maker closer to the deformed basin. Kyle looked at the empty passenger’s seat with his cell phone set on it. He was tempted to call Shiva again, but screams and shouts as inhuman bellows could be heard from beneath the dense smoke in the dark unknown of the mountains.
“I’m coming captain.” He said and lowered the helicopter into the deep cavern.
Last edited by 82manycookies on Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"My Mama used to tell me, 'lifes like a box of chocolates... you never know what your gonna get.'" -Forrest Gump




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Hi, again!

She watched as people strolled mindlessly, almost robotically, like zombies down East Avenue on the eroding sidewalks that traced the buildings in the city like old chalk.
I think this sentence is too long.

Just as she set down the glass she had been cleaning her whole shift for another, the phone rang from upstairs.
I think you have a misplaced modifier at the beginning. I'd say, "Just as she set down that glass that she'd been cleaning her whole shift, the phone rang from upstairs."

As the phone continued to ring she made a move towards the stairs, but the ringing stopped and she headed back to the counter just as the phone started ringing again.
It's ringing. Now it's not. Now it is! I think this has too much information for one sentence.

“He’s not here… he’s never here.” She said to herself.
You need a comma after "here" instead of a period, and don't capitalize the "s" in "she". You have this error in a few other places, too.

Hello, this is the Harperwind Goodale Delivery. Can I help you?” Shiva said turning around to face the window.
You need a comma after "said". You have a few instances where you are describing something using a present participle. When that is the case, set it off from the rest of the sentence with a comma.

“May I ask whose calling?”
"Whose" should be "who's".

“Tell Reno I said hi; okay?”
I'd make this semicolon just a comma. Also, this dialogue is kind of choppy because you don't give any description about the way they said it.

Just as the first few drops of rain fell from the sky a hand was placed on Shiva’s shoulder.
The passive voice in this sentence is awkward. Maybe try, "...Shive felt a hand on her shoulder."

...but screams and shouts could be heard from beneath the dense smoke in the amiss of the mountains as well as inhuman bellows.
I don't understand the phrase "in the amiss of the mountains". I think it would make more sense to move the part about the "inhuman bellows" up next to the "screams and shouts".

So, this is pretty good. I still don't know what's really going on!
-Rachel
"He found his voice tended either to disappear or to come out too loud." -William Golding




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Let me see...this story remind me of Final Fantansy series, with all those names. Shiva, Kyle, Tidus, Reno...those name instantly trigger something in a 3Fs(Final Fantansy Fan) like me. The delivery service, the bar(I guess Shiva is also running a bar because your story have details suggesting it.), and finally, the scene at the mountains are awfully familiar to Final Fantansy 7: Advent children. But I'm not saying that you are stealing ideas or copy ideas from FF 7, this story is yours, with your words and your own ideas. It just resemble something I love so much that I can't stop thinking about it.

Well, now to the review:

21 years later…


21 years later from what? On the first part of the story, you wrote year 6017. So, it should be 4 years later? Or if you were talking about this, then you should mention about it instead of just saying "21 years later..."

She watched as people strolled mindlessly, almost robotically, like zombies down the streets. East Avenue was right outside the delivery station where most of the people walked on the eroding sidewalks that traced the buildings in the city like old chalk


I love this! Your wrting skill is better now! Those sentence draw in my mind a picture of a city in a post-apocalyptic world and the tired people who are just trying to live on to tomorrow.

He sighed, and watched until she finally got back to the counter, and then flopped down in his beaten recliner chair in the corner.


"Recliner: An armchair whose back can be lowered and foot can be raised to allow the sitter to recline in it"
Because a recliner is already means a chair, it is unessesary to add the word "chair" behind it, or change it to "reclining chair"

...the gigantic crater known as the Latvia Mountains.


Little confusing...a crater is "A bowl-shaped geological formation at the top of a volcano" or "A bowl-shaped depression formed by the impact of a meteorite or bomb" I think the crater you wrote about have the first meaning, but if so, you should have wrote it like this:
"...the giantic crater on top of what known as the Lativa Mountains."
Just curious, why it's called "mountains"? It is so big that it looks like many mountains?

He said and lowered the helicopter into the deep cavern.


It was a crater, now it is a cavern? A cavern is an enclosed place, and a crater is not an enclosed place as far as i know.

That is all I can see for now, I still need to read more of your story so I couldn't give more detail review, sorry. Now to the next part!
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa



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