The Terrors of a 5-year-old at Night

(This poem won a third-place award at a competition, and I still don't know how it did so, for I consider it one of my not-so-good works!)

The Terrors of a 5-year-old at Night

The night was quiet and dim,
With only an owl’s soft sound,
When over my blanket's rim
I chose to look around.

For at this age of childhood,
The dimness of night is terror,
For I thought in the darkness I would,
Be taken away forever.

Around the room my vision spied,
And not a thing I saw.
Until mine eyes fearfully espied
Through the window a gaping jaw.

I gasped, and dived out of sight,
Hugging my pillow for dear life,
For the hideous shape in so dim a light
To my insides caused such strife.

After a long time of silence,
I peeked out slowly from my refuge.
The hideous being was in its appearance
Motionless in its deluge.

Its presence was yet unsettling,
Though it stood motionless there.
So I stayed in my refuge settling,
Praying that I’d continue to bear.

When the horizon was graced by the sun,
I peeked yet again from the sheet,
To see setting in the window outdone,
Was nothing but my brother’s cleat.

This goes to tell, that many a time,
When you see something frightful,
Without investigation, on the thing sublime,
You should not be so spiteful!

Du-ude! You're Scottish? I've only met one other Scotlander on this site so you are automatically totally awesome. Welcome!

I'd like to quickly mention also before the review that there's this rule on YWS to do 2 reviews for every work you post, and I saw that you have 4 reviews for 6 works posted, so you need to do another 8. This way, everyone gets a comment on their stuff. And it also makes others more eager to do yours. Anyway! I'm going to go through a couple of stanzas and lines and then do sort of my overall thoughts on the subject. It's fairly harsh, but that's only because this is good and deserves to be improved upon.

The night was quiet and dim,
With only an owl’s soft sound,
When over my blankets rim
I chose to look around.

Blankets should be blanket's as it's possessive. Also, blanket's rim? Blankets don't have rims. They have edges.

I have a problem with this stanza because already, I can tell that the strict rhyme scheme is holding it back. The rhymes sound too forced - blanket's rim is a prime example of this because I know that you only chose 'rim' because it rhymed.

Rhyme is an invaluable tool, and when used correctly it can be absolutely wonderful, but if it's misused, it can bring a good poem down. And, overall, this beginning is not horribly exciting; nothing here makes me want to finish the poem.

For at this age of childhood,
The dimness of night is terror,
For I though in the darkness I would,
Be taken away forever.

*thought, not though, and no comma after would.

Here, it's worded nicely, but I think you could do so much more. You're telling a story, but it's sort of like 'this happened, then this happened.' But I want the poem to make me feel like the child. I want to feel the absolute fright of the unknown, thinking I'd be abducted, never seeing my family again, etc. Don't tell how the terror feels, don't even show how it feels, make the reader feel it.

The hideous being was in its appearance
Motionless in its deluge.

The hideous being was in its appearance motionless in its deluge? There's...so much said here that doesn't need to be. The thing wasn't moving. That's all. Also...a deluge is a flood, right? Maybe I'm missing something here, but its flood of what? So basically the ugly thing wasn't moving in its flood, is what I'm getting from those two lines, which doesn't...really...make sense. I think the problem is that it is incomplete, which makes it confusing. More information here would be good.

Especially if you used a different meaning of the word deluge.



Moving on.

Praying that I’d continue to bear.

Bear what?

Was nothing by my brother’s cleat.
*but, not by.

The ending I liked - it brings a playful tone into the poem that's fitting of a five year old. The rest, though, is written in very pretentious language. That's totally fine if that's your style, except that this was from the point of view of a child, who wouldn't use such fancy language. It doesn't fit. It seems like you're just writing it like that to prove you can...I know that's a bit harsh, but that's how I feel about it.

The other things are what I mentioned before: the rhyme is too forced in a lot of places, so I think that needs to be looked at, and the way this poem seems devoid of emotion. If it's supposed to be frightening, make my skin crawl. If it's supposed to be funny and light, which is what the ending suggests, then I'd exaggerate the child's fear until it becomes ridiculous - imagining horrible scenarios and the like.

I loved the concept though. It is written well, and you obviously have great ideas, but the poem needs work. Hopefully this helps with the editing process, and PM me if you have questions or need something else!

-Mars

I like this and I agree with what was said above.

This really gives the emotion that young kids have in the middle of the night when they have watched a scary movie, or whatever.

Other than the things that needed work I love this!

I agree with you both, this one really needed work.
But do keep in mind this poem is ancient.
I wrote it like two year ago!