The Prologue

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1 uploaded the 1st 2 chapters but i have to work on those. This is the prologue (hence the title javascript:emoticon(':P')) anyway pls comment

Prologue
1450 B.C

Thunder clashed in response to the flashes of lightening. The sea beat against the rocks fearlessly, but the loud sounds of the storm were drowned by the large volcano, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Smoke was rising at its peak. Just off the coast, opposite the volcanic island, a magnificent city stood. Advanced in technology and rich in resources, its beauty looked indestructible and infinite. This was Atlantis.

On this vast city stood a large building. Pagans and other foreigners had always fathomed over what it was…However, on the island it was known as The Trident Laboratories. Deep inside the labs, scientists were busy at work, rushing up and down corridors, and into and out of rooms, double-checking the perfection on their latest and greatest invention.

“Will it work, my master?” A young scientist in a loincloth asked his abnormally short teacher.
“Thou art mad to doubt it! Know you not it will? Thus thou question my authority and incredible genius?” the professor snapped.
“No, my master! Of course not!”
“Well then, fear not my young apprentice, we will not fail.” He sighed. “I shall miss the green…” He looked out of the window, glancing at the grass which was fiercely rustling in the howling wind.
He sighed again.
“My brother can not be held up. Assemble our fellow scientists. The sea awaits us.” “Yes, my master,” The apprentice left, leaving his master in his office.
“This is wrong…” the scientist muttered, shaking his head.

Returning to his senses he hurried out of his office and joined his apprentice at the operating deck of the invention: The Descension Machine.

“Activate Air Bubble!” he ordered. The apprentice pulled down a lever with his quivering hand. Instantly, the city of Atlantis was engulfed in an indestructible deflector shield and air bubble, with the capability of withstanding a formidable amount of pressure and other unique qualities.
“It is time…” he muttered. And with that the scientist pressed a red button.

The volcano neighboring Atlantis suddenly erupted; with such incredible force that it seemed that the great god Zeus was unleashing all hell… And amongst the screams of the villagers, a large groan sounded and slowly, Atlantis was sinking, falling into the ocean. Within minutes the great city had descended into the dark abyss.


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The written word is like a piece of soft clay: you can twist it and shape it the way you want...

keep writing guys! :P




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Heya! Well I haven't read chapters one and two, so I can give you an unbiased review - because I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. And let me tell you, I reckon it's fantastic!
This was really well paced, quick and snappy, with plenty of details spread out evenly. You neatly avoided the info-dump, so double thumbs up!!

To my nitpicks and comments:

Thunder clashed in response to the flashes of lightening. The sea beat against the rocks fearlessly, but the loud sounds of the storm were drowned by the large volcano, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Smoke was rising at its peak. Just off the coast, opposite the volcanic island, a magnificent city stood. Advanced in technology and rich in resources, its beauty looked indestructible and infinite. This was Atlantis.

I thought this was a really gripping opening - very well done.

On this vast city stood a large building. Pagans and other foreigners had always fathomed over what it was…However, on the island it was known as The Trident Laboratories.

You use "..." quite a lot, and while you use it effectively in several places, this is one of a few times I don't think you need it. Possibly consider: "Generations of pagans and other foreigners had fathomed over what it was. On the island, however, it was known as the Trident Laboratories" or something to that effect.

“My brother can not be held up. Assemble our fellow scientists. The sea awaits us.” “Yes, my master,” The apprentice left, leaving his master in his office.
“This is wrong…” the scientist muttered, shaking his head.

You need a new 'paragraph' where the apprentice replies, and I would suggest something like this:
"My brother must not be held up. Assemble our fellow scientists. The sea awaits us."
"Yes, my master." The apprentice left, leaving his master in his office.
"This is wrong," the scientist muttered, shaking his head.

(Here again you don't need "...", and I've put in some suggestions to how I think you could improve the punctuation and wording of those sentences.)

The volcano neighboring Atlantis suddenly erupted; with such incredible force that it seemed that the great god Zeus was unleashing all hell…

This phrasing was a bit different to what you've previously done. I don't think the semi-colon works here, and again I think the "..." is unnecessary.

Overall: I really, really liked this! I might have to come back and look at the following chapters once my exams are over!! I could too easily get sucked in and not revise! :D
Lol thanks for this! ~*X*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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Nitpicking first. :P

Thunder clashed in response to the flashes of lightening.
1. The sentence just seems odd. Try “Thunder roared. Lightning crackled.” or something like that. Use hard sounds like “T”, “K,” etc to emphasize the “hard” nature of the storm.
2. Get rid of the “e” in lightning.

The sea beat against the rocks fearlessly, but the loud sounds of the storm were drowned by the large volcano, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.
1. Instead of beat, try “slammed”.
2. “Large” is unnecessary.

On this vast city stood a large building.
1. On should be in.

Deep inside the labs, scientists were busy at work, rushing up and down corridors, and into and out of rooms, double-checking the perfection on their latest and greatest invention.
1. The perfection? What? Try omitting “perfection on”.

The volcano neighboring Atlantis suddenly erupted; with such incredible force that it seemed that the great god Zeus was unleashing all hell
1. Instead of Hell, try “unleashing all of Tartarus”.

Now, those errors are tiny compared to the complete epic awesomeness of this prologue. I loved it. You've got a great start. Lots of mystery and action.




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All-in-all a very intriguing story!! I always love reading about Atlantis! A good subject. Can't wait to read the next two chapters!! You have my avid attention! I love how you began it and you used Old English extremely well! I'm very impressed!
Okay, now to the few errors that I found in this story:

[quote=MilaScribbler]The sea beat against the rocks fearlessly, but the loud sounds of the storm were drowned by the large volcano, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. [/quote]

Okay, here, I question your use of the word fearlessly, even if it's meant in a metaphorical way. Maybe a word like fiercely would work better. Also, the the used there doesn't work, remember this is the first time that the volcano is being introduced. So this section should be more like so:
The sea beat against the rocks fiercely, but the loud sounds of the storm were drowned by a large volcano, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.
[quote=MilaScribbler]
On this vast city stood a large building[/quote]

On??? Try in!

Also, I agree with cottonrulz, you use "..." quite a lot.
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton