Lilac's eyes (chapter four)

Again, I was trying to put off pulling this out until I'd had at least one more review so please review even if you don't have much to say.

Can I just thank Zaddie Caso for putting up with my constant ideas and excitement over this story, she truly is my best friend.


Chapter 4

Aryan City delights

Although Aryan are not fond of tourists, at night there is paid entry to all museums, art galleries and tourist spots. It is after dark that you see all of the beauty of the towering city. You can marvel at the tallest of buildings, glued to the city's skyline, wander round the worlds first concentration camp, gas chamber and many more. There is even a great chocolate shop on the bridge across Baltic sea. New Aryan city is a never ending expanse of flashing lights and straight motorways.
It is advised that you leave New Aryan city before morning, as the guards can be unfriendly towards foreigners.

The ursine urban travel guide


“We return today to the twenty day stand, the pre-longed riot of racism. I am standing over five hundred ursine citizens, all of which have been camped out for over a week, and have planned to stay here for another twelve days. Some members of this crowd are considered dangerous, especially towards the Aryan community.”

I rolled my eyes at Matt, who was glued to the screen, inching my hand closer to the remote. I flicked the channel back to the melodic hum of racing cars.
“I was watching that.” He attempted, forcefully to steal back the remote.
“Since when were you into the news?” I held the battered remote away from his outstretched arms.
“It's patriotism and all that, you know, standing up for what you believe in. They are fighting against Aryan power and maybe one day I'll join them in that.” My eyebrows furrowed in response. Since when did he know what patriotism meant? Or had any views on world politics?
“So, you would fight against the Aryans? Known as the best fighters this world has ever seen. You would fight and die if your country went to war?” I let it sink in, he would surely change his mind.
“At least I wouldn't join and fight for the other side. You never know, you might be the Aryan that kills me.” He was dancing too close to a very bad subject choice, does he need another punch?
I waited, allowing the whiz of the cars to once again absorb him. My mind was however less easily influenced, the subject I had been avoiding, was again forced to the front of my mind. I needed to leave the house, no more breakdowns. “Bye” I left my flat, abandoning him in his hypnotized state beside the TV screen.
I knew where I was going, for once decisive. I strode quickly through the blinding sunlight, grass brushing my heels. I let myself move so quickly forward, each bump on the field familiar under foot. My eyes adjust to the sunlight that shone unblocked, illuminating every blade of grass.
In front of me stood a low, overhanging oak, the only shape in the otherwise empty field. My eyes traced its stooping branches, its thick, solid trunk; while approaching it's gnarled bark. The area had changed a lot since the last time I had seen it. The great old oak, had once stood proud in a flood of flowers, but winter had been cruel and stolen every last speck of colour from it's vast fields.

She ran towards me, summer daffodils brushing her heels. I watched her hair ruffle behind her, lifted by the cool breeze. She flung her arms around my neck, jumping closer to me, in a dance like movement. My hands tightened on her waist, as I led her into the trees hollowed base. My fingers trailed slowly down her side, relishing every touch of her soft, pale skin. My face met hers in a soft kiss, every minute feeling like a mere, blissful second.

I now curled against that same curved tree, same field, but robbed of flowers, everything darker - black and white without her.




Tell me what you think...

Yet again, I love this!! Let that be known first before I give a few criticisms.
Okay, so,
You had a few minor spelling mistakes as in, you forgot to add an 'ed' and you put a comma where it doesn't belong.
Other than that, you wrote about the holocaust. I was rather hoping you wouldn't get in to that. It's so sad and horrible. The first concentration camp? Are you aware of what they did to people there? I really don't think so. This is a subject I connect to on a personal level. I don't think you should be naming that with the 'fun parts' of the city. This is very dark history we're talking about, definitely not something they consider as fun, or are even proud of it. Most of them, anyways.
I also wanted to say that I understand his best friend perfectly. In both ways.
If there was a war, I would've done the same thing when if that was the case. I hope there isn't a war by the time I get everything is settled, but if there is, and this is my country- not even my belief, I would do it. J I'm saying this to help your character- the conviction soldiers have before they go to war is very, very firm. Almost nothing can keep them from it. Not even their bestfriend.
On the other level that I understand has to do with the fact that he keeps bringing up the subject of Ebony in really mean ways even though he sees how much it hurts his best friend. I relate to that. See, maybe he's hoping that your MC would get over it if he's exposed to it as much as possible, so all in all, he wants what's best for him, but gets him hurt. Human nature at its brightest.
Now, about your MC, I wanted to say that I love your metaphors but I don't get to know him. He's so sad that his thoughts are clouded, the thoughts that define a person. Habits, silly little things like clenching his hands when nervous, thinking things instead of saying them, all the little quirks that show who he is. The readers don't get that because he loved her so much and now it's clouding everything else.

I would like to repeat that I absolutely love this, and all the criticism above is really something you shouldn't take to heart. You have taken the story to where you think it belongs [which was perfect up till now, by the way] and these are just suggestions on small unimportant matters. I can't wait for next chapter!!!
OFIR

Can I just say to Ofir, when you put that you didn't think Miriam Hannah understood how dark the holocaust was, I think that she can understand it. This story seems to be set in the modern day in an AU. So Hitler one the war, people today will still go to Germany even if there Jewish. I know I have and my most of my ancestors have been affected.

I just think that this story isn't meant to be focused around the Holacaust, but thats just my opinion. Oh yeah, isn't Miriam Hannah a jewish name?

Hello sorry I missed the last one! Could you PM me when you post more? Otherwise I tend to miss when things are up I really enjoyed this part! I think you are doing well in showing the MC's emotions and the suspicion surrounding his brother, nice work

the pre-longed riot of racism

I think this should be ‘pro-longed’.

I am standing over five hundred ursine citizens, all of which have been camped out for over a week, and have planned to stay here for another twelve days.

This sentence was a little confusing, I’d maybe work on rewording it. Perhaps something like ‘I am standing over five hundred ursine citizens, who all have been camped out for over a week and plan to stay here for another twelve days.’

He attempted, forcefully to steal back the remote

.

This might make more sense without the comma and maybe with ‘forcefully’ after ‘remote’ instead.

“Since when were you into the news?

I think this sentence might work better with ‘are’ instead of ‘were’.

Since when did he know what patriotism meant?

I’m not sure about using ‘since when’ again so soon after the other one, maybe just something like ‘I didn’t even know he knew what patriotism meant’ or ‘How does he even know what patriotism means?’ would work well as a replacement

“So, you would fight against the Aryans? Known as the best fighters this world has ever seen.

I’m not sure about asking the first part as a question and having the sentence afterwards with a full stop, I’d maybe think of changing the punctuation a bit. Maybe replacing the question mark with a dash and having a question mark after ‘seen’ would work better?

He was dancing too close to a very bad subject choice, does he need another punch?

I think ‘does’ here might be better as ‘did’.

“Bye” I left my flat, abandoning him in his hypnotized state beside the TV screen.

I think you need to add some sort of punctuation after ‘Bye’, like a full stop I’d also maybe say in front of the TV screen instead of beside to show that he is staring at it.

My eyes traced its stooping branches, its thick, solid trunk; while approaching it's gnarled bark.

Because you were referring to her eyes, I think you need to change ‘while approaching it’s gnarled bark’ a bit as it comes across a bit strangely. Maybe by simply changing ‘approaching’ to ‘I approached’ or you could talk about her feet or something to bring it away from the eyes like ‘While my feet stepped surely towards it’s gnarled bark.’

, jumping closer to me, in a dance like movement.

I’m not that keen on ‘dance like movement’, I think you could phrase it a bit better to show the movement, maybe something about her skipping forwards gracefully or in a light leap covering the distance? I’m sorry they aren’t very good examples but I’m sure you can come up with something I also don’t’ think you need the comma after ‘me’ here.

everything darker - black and white without her.

Because you are saying everything is black and white I would more think this would be draining the world of colour than making it darker, so maybe saying something like ‘everything drained of colour’ or ‘everything dimmed’ would be more appropriate.

Overall: I think you are developing the story well and by introducing the patriotism of the brother you are hinting nicely at more dangers to come

I like how the main character questions his brother but I think you could maybe extend a little more on it. Perhaps you could show something about his worry that he would get too involved, maybe he could have a knot in his stomach or something like that to get across to the reader how this affects him physically.

I think you could also maybe set the scene a bit more at first to show why his brother is round his house- even it is just a quick sentence as it seems a bit of a jump from the previous chapter. As you start with italics, I’d maybe think about changing the TV speech out of it so it is not to be confused with the other text

Other than that though, this was a great piece and I really enjoyed it. The flashbacks work really well! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I’ve helped!

Hi,
Of course I understand about the events of the war, Miriam Hannah is a name passed down through my family and is indeed Jewish and as such I am using it as my writing name. Even now, if you look in a German tourist guide it would contain a concentration camp under the same list as any art gallery of theme park and I disagree with this and so partly want to provoke thought through this, as it has obviously done in you. I am glad that you feel strongly about it because I do too and the fact that you would mention that in your review shows that I am doing it well. If i ever made this into a proper book I would want to put an introduction detailing this at the beginning to explain that I am not being insensitive but over sensitive.
Other than that I am so glad you understand my characters and please pass this on because the more reviews I get the faster I write, call it vain but it really excites me to write more.

Next chapter will be up in the next few days,


Miriam Hannah

Hiya, Hannah I am so sorry it took me this long to get to reviewing this. I’ve just come back from my last *yayy* exam and I thought I’d celebrate by catching up on my reviews . Anyway, I’ll do Chapter Five tomorrow if that’s okay? (: Let’s get to this!! =D

MiriamHannah wrote:Chapter 4
Aryan City delights
Although Aryans are not fond of tourists, at night there is paid entry to all museums, art galleries and other tourist spots. It is after dark that you see all [s]of[/s] the beauty of the towering city. You can marvel at the tallest of buildings, glued to the city's skyline, wander round the world’s first concentration camp, gas chamber and many more. There is even a great chocolate shop on the bridge across Baltic Sea.
[New Paragraph>>] The New Aryan city is a never ending expanse of flashing lights and straight motorways.
It is advised that you leave New Aryan city before morning, as the guards can be unfriendly towards foreigners.
The ursine urban travel guide[colon]
“We return today to the twenty day stand[what do you mean by this? It doesan’t make complete sense, so maybe try and rephrase it?], the pre-longed riot of racism. I am standing over five hundred ursine citizens, all of which have been camped out for over a week, and have planned to stay here for another twelve days. Some members of this crowd are considered dangerous, especially towards the Aryan community.”
I rolled my eyes at Matt, who was glued to the screen, inching my hand closer to the remote. I flicked the channel back to the melodic hum of racing cars.
“I was watching that.[comma]” he attempted, forcefully to steal back the remote[This doesn’t make complete sense – the second bit – try and elaborate n it a bit more. Don’t be scared to go into more detail! (:].
“Since when were you into the news?” I held the battered remote away from his outstretched arms.[Thoughts/feelings? Why did he even change the channel in the first place? Try and focus on these kind of points throughout your story]
“It's patriotism and all that, you know, standing up for what you believe in. They are fighting against Aryan power and maybe one day I'll join them in that.” My eyebrows furrowed in response. Since when did he know what patriotism meant? Or had any views on world politics?[Okay, now expand on that – what does he think of Matt’s response? Does he agree with him, disagree or not entirely sure...?]
“So,[delete comma you would fight against the Aryans? Known as the best fighters this world has ever seen. You would fight and die if [s]y[/s]our [surely you mean ‘our’ as they’re in the same country? country went to war?” I let it sink in, he would surely change his mind [so you’ve shown us a snippet of what he thinks through his speech just there, but the beauty of 1st person is that the reader gets to read more about the character than is revealed in his speech, so give us that sneak preview/guided tour into his thoughts/feelings].
“At least I wouldn't join and fight for the other side. You never know, you might be the Aryan that kills me.” He was dancing too close to a very bad subject choice,[replace with full stop] Does he need another punch?[Put thoughts in italics. Also what is Matt’s tone of voice, facial expression, body language..? Also, again, go into more detail on your MC’s thoughts/feelings]
I waited, allowing the whiz of the cars on the TV to once again absorb him. My mind was however less easily influenced, the subject I had been avoiding, was again forced to the front of my mind. I needed to leave the house,[replace with full stop] No more breakdowns. “Bye[full stop]” I said with... {insert emotion}. Did he ignore Matt’s piercing gaze, was his hand shaky as he grasped the doorknob. Expand! Give us more!] [s]I left my[/s] leaving the flat,[delete comma] and abandoning him in his hypnotized state beside the TV screen.
I knew where I was going, for once decisive. I strode quickly through the blinding sunlight, grass brushing my heels. I let myself move so quickly forward, each bump on the field familiar under foot. My eyes adjusted ___ [insert verb: quickly, slowly...] to the sunlight that shone unblocked, illuminating every blade of grass.[This is the kind of detail I’m talking about! You’ve really done beautifully with your description and you’ve expanded where needed and just enough so I’m not left wondering. Brilliant job here,. Now all you need to do is apply this sort of skill that you’ve shown you have more often and throughout your story!! (:]
As I came to a halt, in front of me stood a low, overhanging oak,[replace with semi colon] the only shape in the otherwise empty field. My eyes traced its stooping branches, its thick, solid trunk;[delete semi colon, there’s no need for any punctuation here] while approaching [s]it's[/s] its gnarled bark. The area had changed a lot since the last time I had seen it. The great old oak,[delete comma] had once stood proud in a flood of flowers, but winter had been cruel and stolen every last speck of colour from[s] it's[/s] its vast fields.Another great use of description here – great job!
She ran towards me, summer daffodils brushing her heels. I watched her hair ruffle behind her, lifted by the cool breeze. She flung her arms around my neck, jumping closer to me, in a dancehyphenlike movement. My hands tightened on her waist,[delete comma] as I led her into the tree’s hollowed base. My fingers trailed slowly down her side, relishing every touch of her soft, pale skin. My face met hers in a soft kiss, every minute feeling like a mere, blissful second. [Very picturesque – really lovely =D]
I now curled against that same curved tree, in the same field, but robbed of its flowers, and everything darker - black and white without her. [I totally love this last line!! I’m thinking it’s a good title, maybe? Really cute (:]

Last Minute Views
Now, the absolute main thing that I think you need to work on to improve this already great work further is to express your character’s thoughts and feelings and on going a bit more into detail.

Thoughts/feelings
You probably got fed up of me harping on about this one subject: the thoughts and feelings of your character!! =P But you’ve got to believe me when I say that this is one of the most important things in a novel!! The beauty of reading a novel is getting in a character’s head and reliving the events through their eyes, which is always especially emphasised when writing in first person. This you need to majorly work on in your writing as the only snippets I get of your character’s thoughts/feelings are through his speech or a too-short sentence which needs elaborating on. Also, your MC is telling a story, so he needs to interpret and show the other character’s tone of voice when speaking, facial expressions used and even body language so we can picture the scene even more!! To show you more what I mean, here is an excerpt from a book of mine with a (If you're reading/going to read Just Listen by Sarah Dessen, don't read this as it's from the ending, and I wouldn't want to spoil your reading!! ):

[spoiler]

Just Listen by Sarah Dessen wrote:As I started down the steps, I could hear my father asking where I was going, and my mother responding she had no idea [as the narrator, she is relaying all the events - what the other character are doing, however insignificant]. I was sure they were all watching me, but I didn't look back as I crossed the square, walking up to Owen, who had the strangest look on his face [facial expressions!], one I'd never seen before [facial expressions +MC's view].He was shifting in place, clearly uncomfortable.
[A bit further on...]

He took in a breath, about to speak, then stopped, running a hand over his face. "Look," he said. "I know you're pissed off at me."
The weird thing was that I wasn't [MC's reaction {thoughts AND feelings} to what he has said]. While initially, I'd been surprised, then worried when he hadn't shown up, the entire experience had been so overwhelming - although cathartic - that I'd kind of forgotten about it once I got up on the stand. I opened my mouth to tell him this, but he was already talking again.
[Again, a bit further on.....]

"Something happened." He sighed, shaking his head. His face was flushed, and he was still fidgeting [facial expressions, body language!]. "Something stupid. I made a mistake, and -"
Then, and only then, did I put it altogether. His absence. His shuffling embarrassment. And Will Cash's black eye. Oh my God, I thought. [The MC brings us closer ot the action by showing us her thoughts, letting us be more involved, as though we were actually there listening to the conversation.]

[/spoiler]
Can you see how the MC, being a first person narrator, makes use of expressing her thoughts and feelings as a part of the narration of the story and that is how you've got to think of them. And also the way in which she narrates the gyu's - Owen - facial expressions/body language and put her own input into what he must be thinking, what she thinks of this... You should really (if you haven't already) take a look at one of Sarah Dessen's books as she's a great example of first person narrative and getting her MC to express her thoughts/feelings constantly. I hope that excerpt helped!! I definitely take some inspiration for her when I write in first person narrative (:

Commas
A second tiny thing that I noticed was that you sometimes (and I stress sometimes) used commas incorrectly. Remember commas are where your readers pause to take a breath and some of the pauses given with your commas didn’t quite fit. To sort this out just read back through your work to see whether or not your commas fit into the flow of things. It’s one of the annoying things about writing more OCD-like people like myself check this kind of thing constantly, but most people can find more fun things to do. I personally can’t think of a better thing to do than to correct my (and now yours ) punctuation *jokes – maybe* =P.

Overall
Another great addition to your story!! This is coming and developing along quite nicely, but if you work on the things I pointed out then that should help you to improve some more . Great job on this and I hope this review helped you out!! And if you have any questions or anything, as always, please PM me as I’m always more than happy to help!! =D

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx