Snacks n Sips

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Okay, this is one of the worst stories I've written, So I could do with a bit of help. And I am warning you, it's somewhat pathetic.


4th February, 2008

Dear diary,

Emily set me up with a blind date today and guess what??? He was the cutest thing you would ever see. He was charming, sweet, sensitive and funny. His grey eyes would crinkle every time he showed off his million dollar smile. His nose fluttered every time he laughed and it was soo cute!!!!! Though, I noticed one peculiarity in him. He seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I asked him about himself; his family….That kinda scares me. Guys with a scary past are worse than guys with a scary future, you know. But I am getting good vibes from this guy; like he won’t hurt me at the cost of anything in the world. With him, I discover a new side of me. One that was always hidden from the rest of the world. He makes me feel sane; like nothing can ever go wrong in my life. Maybe it’s love!
I am meeting him tomorrow again at snacks ‘n’ sips. And I am damn sleepy right now. Bye!!! Good night!!!! Sweet dreams (Preferably about Sean)!!!!
Mitchell Greenway


Mitchell walked towards her favorite local café “Snacks ‘n’ Sips” to meet her hot, new friend, Sean Livingstone. She ran her hands through the curly wisps of her brown hair. She had spent hours conditioning and blow drying it. After all, she wanted to look her best on their second date. She saw the huge banner of the café, which promptly showed off their best lights, which could be seen when it was darker, of course. “Sean!” She exclaimed to herself, as she saw a guy with spiked, black hair sitting all alone.

Sean Livingstone sipped the chocolate milkshake he had ordered, when he noticed a girl wearing an orange sweater and white jeans waving at him, giving a grin so wide, her gums could be seen. He waved back, returning the smile, his eyes crinkling just the way Mitchell had written in her diary. Oh! Anyone would have killed for the sight of this boy smiling. It was perfect!
“She’s here,” He whispered into the walkie-talkie, as he picked a French fry from his plate.
“Do your job right, Agent T6,” the husky voice replied from the walkie-talkie. “Don’t get lost in the girl’s dreamy eyes. Many of our agents have!”
“I won’t. I am an agent with a strong will,” Sean told him back, but he wasn’t quite sure about his own statement. He’d proved to be unusually sensitive for a boy. But he decided to put his emotions to a good use. Since he was so emotional, he’d use it on his family. Feel bad every time he thought about the many debts his dad had to clear, and a mother who seemed to get no job. He would think of that, and then think how important this mission was for him, his family.
“Good. Over and out.”
Sean quickly hid the walkie-talkie underneath his shirt.
“Hey, what’s up?” Mitchell asked cheerfully.
“Nothing…nothing much,” Sean hesitated, a bit nervous. “Would you like something?”
“Nope. The milkshake you’re having is just fine.” She said with a mischievous smile, followed by a giggle and she took her sip. The amount of flirting the girls do these days, he thought.
Sean gave a half-hearted smile. He did not like sharing his milkshake. Especially not with the girl he despised so much.
Romantically, Mitchell dipped another straw into the milkshake. Both of them took a sip, staring right into each other’s eyes. He noticed that her blue eyes really were dreamy…and her lashes were so dark and beautiful. Focus! Focus! He told himself. You need to get her purse.
He pushed forward the glass, spilling the chocolate drink all over Mitchell’s white denims. Mitchell gasped, quickly getting up and flashing her eyes angrily at Sean. Sean gave a little, awkward laugh, his eyes fluttering. Anyone could let him rob a bank and get away with it, only if he out that smile. Anyone but Mitchell. They were her most expensive after all, she had worn her best outfit…for this? She got up at once, slamming her silver Versace bag, furiously, on the table and rushed away.
“Bull’s eye!” Sean whispered into the walkie-talkie, smiling smugly. “She’s in the ladies’ room.”
He quickly lifted her bag and began messing it up. Like every girl’s bag, it consisted of gazillion objects, or more. First, he fished out a picture of a handsome Mexican boy and Mitchell. Mitchell was looking younger, with a more chubby face, and her brown hair tied in two breads.
“Oh! Look what we have here. Someone can’t get over their ex!” Sean muttered with a hint of jealousy.
“Come again,” the voice from the walkie-talkie boomed.
“Nothing. It’s nothing!” Sean sighed under his breath.
He reminded himself he was on a mission, a mission to find out what this girl, Mitchell, if that was even her real name, Emily, were up to. A mission to investigate the dark world of drugs. And most importantly, his first mission. He couldn’t afford to get attracted to this girl and marry her and have two kids in a cozy little cottage by the seaside and ruin his chances of getting into the spy agency forever! The thought of a cottage by the seaside excited him, though.
He continued to rummage through the sophisticated bag, when he felt something cold. He pulled it out and in his hands he had an expensive, gold plated pen. This encouraged him to keep him going.
“Where did she get so much money from? A call centre worker couldn’t afford something like this.”
He kept searching but found no signs of cocaine or any other dangerous drugs. He sighed. It was odd that she hadn’t returned from the ladies’ room yet. The milkshake stain must have done much damage, he thought.
Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something red and small. It was her personal diary!
“Aha!” He thought aloud. “Personal diaries. This is where saints become devils.”
He hungrily grabbed it like a little kid snatching candy. Running his eyes though the pages, he stumbled upon previous night’s entry. He read it, first, rolling his eyes.
But his hands begin to quiver as he read further. Charming, sweet, good vibes? This girl trusts me so much, in spite of the fact that I’ve hidden so much from her?
After reading the complete entry, he was quite for minutes. He just pondered over the whole issue again and again. Slowly, a tear trickled down his cheek.
How could I have suspected such an innocent girl who cares so much about me? She isn’t selling drugs! She is no creep, I am the filthy creep who stooped so low as to read her personal diary! He kept blaming himself.
Then, he gently took a picture of Mitchell’s from the bag and kissed it, hiding it in his jeans pocket.

Mitchell dialed Emily’s number, far away from where she was watching the entire scene.
“Hello, Emily?” She asked, on the phone. “I’ve got good news…he turned out to be a spy, just like I suspected…No! That isn’t the good news…he read the diary entry…he’s fallen for me…huh! He’s crying like a baby, dude! Better go give him some candy.” She laughed, as she cut the phone.
Last edited by TeenQueen on Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader." ~ Robert Frost




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Hey I thought that was reallly good and you should continue with it. You may not think it that great but that is the way it is with Kat Hope all my friends love it but I don't really care for it until in my 100's of the pages. But they ram me into writing more of it all the time even if I am not there they still tell me to write more.

And look at me I am telling you to write more cause I loved it. I love reading my other friends stories that way I can get out of my block and write more of my own. Thanks for giving me ideas.
your awesome friend angelwing12




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I started off thinking I wouldn't like this, but I did :] So yay, my first critique in months will be on something I liked. First off, let me start by saying that the writing is a little annoying, but I really like the plot. You just got to execute it better, and let the reader be more aware of what's going on.

Emily set me up with a blind date today and guess what???


Ah, okay. I realized the significance of the diary entry, so you should really work on it. I think you should rewrite it, make it a little more heartfelt, a little deeper, because I doubt it evoke any tears from anybody. Sean should just be rolling his eyes and shoving the diary back in the purse. Make Mitchell at least seem serious, rather than "omg i met a guy and omg hes sooooo cute and omg i luv him soo much." Yeah :]

He was the cutest thing you would ever see. He was charming, sweet, sensitive and funny.


I know she's trying to create another personality here and all, but I just have to say that reading this made me want to stab mysaelf.

His grey eyes would crinkle every time he showed off his million dollar smile. His nose fluttered every time he laughed and it was soo cute!!!!! Though, I noticed one peculiarity in him. He seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I asked him about himself; his family….That kinda scares me. Guys with a scary past are worse than guys with a scary future, you know. But I am getting good vibes from this guy; like he won’t hurt me at the cost of anything in the world. With him, I discover a new side of me. One that was always hidden from the rest of the world. He makes me feel sane; like nothing can ever go wrong in my life. Maybe it’s love!


Yeah okay, nobody writes like this. Scraaaap it and write it again, please and thank you. I know you can do better than this.

I am meeting him tomorrow again at snacks ‘n’ sips. And I am damn sleepy right now. Bye!!! Good night!!!! Sweet dreams (Preferably about Sean)!!!!

Mitchell Greenway

Mitchell walked towards her favorite local café “Snacks ‘n’ Sips” to meet her hot, new friend, Sean Livingstone. She ran her hands through the curly wisps of her brown hair. She had spent hours conditioning and blow drying it. After all, she wanted to look her best on their second date. She saw the huge banner of the café, which promptly showed off their best lights, which could be seen when it was darker, of course. “Sean!” She exclaimed to herself, as she saw a guy with spiked, black hair sitting all alone.

Sean Livingstone sipped the chocolate milkshake he had ordered, when he noticed a girl wearing an orange sweater and white jeans waving at him, giving a grin so wide, her gums could be seen. He waved back, returning the smile, his eyes crinkling just the way Mitchell had written in her diary. Oh! Anyone would have killed for the sight of this boy smiling. It was perfect!

“She’s here,” He whispered into the walkie-talkie, as he picked a French fry from his plate.

“Do your job right, Agent T6,” the husky voice replied from the walkie-talkie. “Don’t get lost in the girl’s dreamy eyes. Many of our agents have!”

“I won’t. I am an agent with a strong will,” Sean told him back, but he wasn’t quite sure about his own statement. He’d proved to be unusually sensitive for a boy. But he decided to put his emotions to a good use. Since he was so emotional, he’d use it on his family. Feel bad every time he thought about the many debts his dad had to clear, and a mother who seemed to get no job. He would think of that, and then think how important this mission was for him, his family.

“Good. Over and out.”

Sean quickly hid the walkie-talkie underneath his shirt.

“Hey, what’s up?” Mitchell asked cheerfully.

“Nothing…nothing much,” Sean hesitated, a bit nervous. “Would you like something?”

“Nope. The milkshake you’re having is just fine.” She said with a mischievous smile, followed by a giggle and she took her sip. The amount of flirting the girls do these days, he thought.

Sean gave a half-hearted smile. He did not like sharing his milkshake. Especially not with the girl he despised so much.

Romantically, Mitchell dipped another straw into the milkshake. Both of them took a sip, staring right into each other’s eyes. He noticed that her blue eyes really were dreamy…and her lashes were so dark and beautiful. Focus! Focus! He told himself. You need to get her purse.

He pushed forward the glass, spilling the chocolate drink all over Mitchell’s white denims. Mitchell gasped, quickly getting up and flashing her eyes angrily at Sean. Sean gave a little, awkward laugh, his eyes fluttering. Anyone could let him rob a bank and get away with it, only if he out that smile. Anyone but Mitchell. They were her most expensive after all, she had worn her best outfit…for this? She got up at once, slamming her silver Versace bag, furiously, on the table and rushed away.

“Bull’s eye!” Sean whispered into the walkie-talkie, smiling smugly. “She’s in the ladies’ room.”

He quickly lifted her bag and began messing it up. Like every girl’s bag, it consisted of gazillion objects, or more. First, he fished out a picture of a handsome Mexican boy and Mitchell. Mitchell was looking younger, with a more chubby face, and her brown hair tied in two breads.

“Oh! Look what we have here. Someone can’t get over their ex!” Sean muttered with a hint of jealousy.

“Come again,” the voice from the walkie-talkie boomed.

“Nothing. It’s nothing!” Sean sighed under his breath.

He reminded himself he was on a mission, a mission to find out what this girl, Mitchell, if that was even her real name, Emily, were up to. A mission to investigate the dark world of drugs. And most importantly, his first mission. He couldn’t afford to get attracted to this girl and marry her and have two kids in a cozy little cottage by the seaside and ruin his chances of getting into the spy agency forever! The thought of a cottage by the seaside excited him, though.

He continued to rummage through the sophisticated bag, when he felt something cold. He pulled it out and in his hands he had an expensive, gold plated pen. This encouraged him to keep him going.

“Where did she get so much money from? A call centre worker couldn’t afford something like this.”

He kept searching but found no signs of cocaine or any other dangerous drugs. He sighed. It was odd that she hadn’t returned from the ladies’ room yet. The milkshake stain must have done much damage, he thought.

Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something red and small. It was her personal diary!

“Aha!” He thought aloud. “Personal diaries. This is where saints become devils.”

He hungrily grabbed it like a little kid snatching candy. Running his eyes though the pages, he stumbled upon previous night’s entry. He read it, first, rolling his eyes.

But his hands begin to quiver as he read further. Charming, sweet, good vibes? This girl trusts me so much, in spite of the fact that I’ve hidden so much from her?

After reading the complete entry, he was quite for minutes. He just pondered over the whole issue again and again. Slowly, a tear trickled down his cheek.

How could I have suspected such an innocent girl who cares so much about me? She isn’t selling drugs! She is no creep, I am the filthy creep who stooped so low as to read her personal diary! He kept blaming himself.

Then, he gently took a picture of Mitchell’s from the bag and kissed it, hiding it in his jeans pocket.

Mitchell dialed Emily’s number, far away from where she was watching the entire scene.

“Hello, Emily?” She asked, on the phone. “I’ve got good news…he turned out to be a spy, just like I suspected…No! That isn’t the good news…he read the diary entry…he’s fallen for me…huh! He’s crying like a baby, dude! Better go give him some candy.” She laughed, as she cut the phone.
Got YWS?




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Hey there.

This is pretty good. It may not be a brilliant piece of literature, but it's sweet and quite funny. It's nice to read if you're not feeling to good and want to read something that'll cheer you up. So don't put it down.

Mitchell Greenway

When I actually write in my journal, I DO NOT sign my last name. I don't know about other girls, it just seems a bit pointless and weird. Why would you? Nobodies supposed to read your personal journal except yourself. I would just put 'Mitchell' (Love that name, by the way!)

Apart from that, I enjoyed it.




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I started off thinking I wouldn't like this, but I did :] So yay, my first critique in months will be on something I liked. First off, let me start by saying that the writing is a little annoying, but I really like the plot. You just got to execute it better, and let the reader be more aware of what's going on.

Emily set me up with a blind date today and guess what???


Ah, okay. I realized the significance of the diary entry, so you should really work on it. I think you should rewrite it, make it a little more heartfelt, a little deeper, because I doubt it evoke any tears from anybody. Sean should just be rolling his eyes and shoving the diary back in the purse. Make Mitchell at least seem serious, rather than "omg i met a guy and omg hes sooooo cute and omg i luv him soo much." Yeah :]

He was the cutest thing you would ever see. He was charming, sweet, sensitive and funny.


I know she's trying to create another personality here and all, but I just have to say that reading this made me want to stab myself. Nobody even writes like this. She sounds like an idiot, dude. If you're going to describe him, use one adjective, not four.

His grey eyes would crinkle every time he showed off his million dollar smile. His nose fluttered every time he laughed and it was soo cute!!!!! Though, I noticed one peculiarity in him. He seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I asked him about himself; his family….That kinda scares me. Guys with a scary past are worse than guys with a scary future, you know. But I am getting good vibes from this guy; like he won’t hurt me at the cost of anything in the world. With him, I discover a new side of me. One that was always hidden from the rest of the world. He makes me feel sane; like nothing can ever go wrong in my life. Maybe it’s love!


Yeah okay, nobody writes like this. Scraaaap it and write it again, please and thank you. I know you can do better than this.

I am meeting him tomorrow again at snacks ‘n’ sips. And I am damn sleepy right now. Bye!!! Good night!!!! Sweet dreams (Preferably about Sean)!!!!

Mitchell Greenway


Like that other person said, who signs their diary? Honestly.

Alright, first off, scrap this. Try to write something along the lines of, "I honestly didn't think I would like Sean, since Amy's never been any good at matchmaking. He really surprised me today. He paid so much attention to me, and he listened, and it was a definite bonus that he was adorable. I don't know. I'm seeing him again tomorrow. I have a good feeling about him."

The thing is, it doesn't matter what she writes, Sean won't cry. She's been on one date and doesn't know a thing about the guy - unless he's head over heels, which I doubt anybody would be, he should just be a teensy bit touched by the diary, but enough to trust her. Just enough. Make the story interesting, have Sean still be pretty suspicious.

Mitchell walked towards her favorite local café “Snacks ‘n’ Sips” to meet her hot, new friend, Sean Livingstone.


Aha, ew. I hate how you worded this. I get the general idea, she's walking to her favorite cafe, but the way you worded it, "Oh yeah, Mitchell was walking toward her favorite cafe to meet her new, hot friend, Sean." It's like, "What?" Don't describe him as her hot, new friend. Don't even mention him in this sentence. Just say, "Mitchell approached Snacks n' Sips, and grinned as she gently pressed the glass door." And please, change the name of the cafe. Please. It's too much of a mouthful. You shouldn't even have to name the cafe if it's too much of a hassle, just say "Mitchell approached the cafe," and be done with it. But, it's your story, so don't change anything if you don't want to.

She ran her hands through the curly wisps of her brown hair.


Curly wisps :] I love how that sounds. But say, "ran her fingers," because if she ran her hands through her hair she wouldn't be rubbing both her hands over her head. And she would look a little weird doing that.

She had spent hours conditioning and blow drying it.


You should add this to the last sentence with a semi-colon, because it's technically part of the same idea.


After all, she wanted to look her best on their second date.


She ran her finger through the curly wisps of her brown hair; she had spent hours conditioning and blow drying it - she wanted to look her best on their second date.

Yay!

She saw the huge banner of the café, which promptly showed off their best lights, which could be seen when it was darker, of course.


What?

“Sean!” She exclaimed to herself, as she saw a guy with spiked, black hair sitting all alone.


If she's planning on backstabbing him, why is she so exciting to see him? I could understand if she was saying it aloud, to him, to let him know that she was excited, but she's a little out of character here, seeing how she doesn't genuinely like him. And I hate it when people say, "she say a guy with.." She saw a guy? No, she saw Sean. If you want us to know he has spiky, black hair, say she could distinguish him by it, or have him play or fix it up.

Sean Livingstone sipped the chocolate milkshake he had ordered, when he noticed a girl wearing an orange sweater and white jeans waving at him, giving a grin so wide, her gums could be seen.


Could you not use their last names? It sounds so awkward. "Hey, I saw Sean Livingstone today at the cafe." "Hey, I went on a date yesterday with Sean Livingstone." Sean. Sean. It's a nice, one-syllable word. It's a good name choice. Take advantage of it. And unless is last name is actually relevant, we don't care about it. "Sean sipped the chocolate milkshake." And you did it again! Again! He didn't see a girl, he saw Mitchell! Tell us what she's wearing some other way. The milkshake is spilled on her pants, so just mention they're white when that happens.

He waved back, returning the smile, his eyes crinkling just the way Mitchell had written in her diary. Oh! Anyone would have killed for the sight of this boy smiling. It was perfect!


She doesn't even like him! Wtf. I like how you said his eyes crinkled though. Makes me smile :] But you should cut this off right there, at "... returning the smile, his eyes crinkling."

“She’s here,” He whispered into the walkie-talkie, as he picked a French fry from his plate.


You have to tell me how he whispered into a freaking walkie-talkie inconspicously. When I hear, "walkie talkie," I think of this huge bulkie thing he's holding in his other hand. Does he have a microphone on him, or what? And he picks up french fries, he doesn't pick them.

“Do your job right, Agent T6,” the husky voice replied from the walkie-talkie. “Don’t get lost in the girl’s dreamy eyes. Many of our agents have!”


Do you have to use code-names? Really? And are they serious about her eyes? If he's a professional, he shouldn't even have to worry about "getting lost in her dreamy eyes." Does this husky voiced guy write romance novels or something?

“I won’t. I am an agent with a strong will,”


Lol. Who talks like that?

He’d proved to be unusually sensitive for a boy.


<3

But he decided to put his emotions to a good use. Since he was so emotional, he’d use it on his family. Feel bad every time he thought about the many debts his dad had to clear, and a mother who seemed to get no job. He would think of that, and then think how important this mission was for him, his family.


Yeah. Okay. What?
He'd "use" it on his family. When you say that, you're saying he'll use it to manipulate his family. I know you're trying to tie in his family, but do it some other way. Sort of just.. omit this.

“Good. Over and out.”


Hehe.
They're spies!
This is so cute.

Sean quickly hid the walkie-talkie underneath his shirt.


By the time he finished this conversation, Mitchell would be over there already. She's not an idiot dude, if it's a bulky walkie-talkie, she's seen it. Have it be a microphone hidden on the college of his shirt or something, or bugged on a cool necklace he's wearing.


“Hey, what’s up?” Mitchell asked cheerfully.

“Nothing…nothing much,” Sean hesitated, a bit nervous. “Would you like something?”


Aw, he's nervous!

“Nope. The milkshake you’re having is just fine.” She said with a mischievous smile, followed by a giggle and she took her sip. The amount of flirting the girls do these days, he thought.


Replace the italisized just with, "as she took a sip." And get rid of that comma, too.

Sean gave a half-hearted smile. He did not like sharing his milkshake. Especially not with the girl he despised so much.


If he despised her so much, why is he nervous? And I don't like sharing my milkshakes either, Sean. I know how you feel.

Romantically, Mitchell dipped another straw into the milkshake.


How do you do that romantically?

Both of them took a sip, staring right into each other’s eyes.


Ooooh.

He noticed that her blue eyes really were dreamy…and her lashes were so dark and beautiful. Focus! Focus! He told himself. You need to get her purse.


Lol, wtf. "Her blue eyes were sooo dreamy..." Just tell us how, as he was sipping the milkshake, all he could so was resist to eye her purse. Lol. Dreamy. Does anybody use that word anymore?

He pushed forward the glass, spilling the chocolate drink all over Mitchell’s white denims.


Jeans. They're not denims, they're jeans. And that was mean!

Mitchell gasped, quickly getting up and flashing her eyes angrily at Sean. Sean gave a little, awkward laugh, his eyes fluttering. Anyone could let him rob a bank and get away with it, only if he out that smile.


Yeah, I doubt it, smiley.

Anyone but Mitchell.


HA.
Owned.

They were her most expensive after all, she had worn her best outfit…for this?


Stop saying "after all," this is third person. If you're going to write like a teenager, write like a teenager inside a teenagers head.

She got up at once, slamming her silver Versace bag, furiously, on the table and rushed away.


Do we need to know the brand of the bag? And what teenage girl in her right mind would leave her purse on the table when she goes to the bathroom? No girl I know.

“Bull’s eye!” Sean whispered into the walkie-talkie, smiling smugly. “She’s in the ladies’ room.”


Which, if I heard that, I'd be like, "Darn, she must've taken her purse with her."

He quickly lifted her bag and began messing it up. Like every girl’s bag, it consisted of gazillion objects, or more.


Omit the last sentence. And if she's in there, without a purse, how long does he think she's going to be in there? He doesn't know her well enough to assume she's going to be in there long enough not to catch him rummaging through her purse. Which she oddly left on the table. If he was an actual agent, he would find it suspicious that she left it there. Maybe she left it there for him to find purposely?

First, he fished out a picture of a handsome Mexican boy and Mitchell. Mitchell was looking younger, with a more chubby face, and her brown hair tied in two breads.


Oooh, handsome Mexican boy.

“Oh! Look what we have here. Someone can’t get over their ex!” Sean muttered with a hint of jealousy.


If. He despises her. Why. Is he jealous?

“Come again,” the voice from the walkie-talkie boomed.

“Nothing. It’s nothing!” Sean sighed under his breath.


Haha, busted.

He reminded himself he was on a mission, a mission to find out what this girl, Mitchell, if that was even her real name, Emily, were up to.


Wait, huh, what? Is her name Mitchell or Emily?

A mission to investigate the dark world of drugs.


So he's working for the police? Or is he a drug dealer too? Gotta elaborate, sweetheart.

And most importantly, his first mission.


Why would they send a rookie on such an important mission?

He couldn’t afford to get attracted to this girl and marry her and have two kids in a cozy little cottage by the seaside and ruin his chances of getting into the spy agency forever! The thought of a cottage by the seaside excited him, though.


...
What?

He continued to rummage through the sophisticated bag, when he felt something cold. He pulled it out and in his hands he had an expensive, gold plated pen. This encouraged him to keep him going.


Why did that encourage him? Is he excited by shiny things?

“Where did she get so much money from? A call centre worker couldn’t afford something like this.”


She's a call centre worker? How old are these kids?

He kept searching but found no signs of cocaine or any other dangerous drugs. He sighed. It was odd that she hadn’t returned from the ladies’ room yet. The milkshake stain must have done much damage, he thought.


It's odd, huh? So you thought she'd be out sooner?
Then why the heck are your hands still in her bag, huh?
This kid isn't too smart.

Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something red and small. It was her personal diary!


Who keeps a diary in their purse!?
And what kind of agent doesn't find this suspicious?

“Aha!” He thought aloud. “Personal diaries. This is where saints become devils.”


Yeah, okay.

But his hands begin to quiver as he read further. Charming, sweet, good vibes? This girl trusts me so much, in spite of the fact that I’ve hidden so much from her?


Yeah. My point. And this isn't first person, dearie. Take note of that.

After reading the complete entry, he was quite for minutes. He just pondered over the whole issue again and again. Slowly, a tear trickled down his cheek.


The entry is like two words long, dude. He's crying? After reading that?

How could I have suspected such an innocent girl who cares so much about me? She isn’t selling drugs! She is no creep, I am the filthy creep who stooped so low as to read her personal diary! He kept blaming himself.


Haha, innocent. Anybody can fake a diary entry, dude.

Then, he gently took a picture of Mitchell’s from the bag and kissed it, hiding it in his jeans pocket.


wat

Mitchell dialed Emily’s number, far away from where she was watching the entire scene.


Where's she hiding where she's "far away?" It's a cafe.

“Hello, Emily?” She asked, on the phone. “I’ve got good news…he turned out to be a spy, just like I suspected…No! That isn’t the good news…he read the diary entry…he’s fallen for me…huh! He’s crying like a baby, dude! Better go give him some candy.” She laughed, as she cut the phone.


Lol. Weirdo.

~*~*~~*~*~

MITCHELL

Freaking bipolar weirdo. First off, she's like, "Oh, I'm going to betray him, la la la." But in the beginning she's like, "Oh, Mitchell!" I know you're trying to purposely mislead the reader, but try to keep her in character, to the point where it's not weird and it doesn't make any sense. I don't really know her real motive behind this. What is she trying to hide that she needs a spy on her tail? And.. wasn't Emily the one who set her up? Also, her diary entry is crap. He doesn't even remotely sound real. And everything she does is super-suspicious, like leaving her purse behind with a diary in it?

SEAN

So Sean may be a cutie who can rob a bank and get away with it by smiling, but he's a loser if he's an actual spy who's like, "Oh... she has a badly written diary entry about me from our first date... I really think she likes me... Oh, Mitchell, why did I ever doubt you?" Okay. He thinks she's a manipulative drug dealer. Does he not suspect her to be a manipulative drug dealer? Imagine he goes back to husky voice guy and is like, "I don't think we should suspect Mitchell anymore because she wrote this, and like, she sounds innocent. I mean, she accidentally left her purse behind with her diary in it and..." And by the time he done speaking he should be like, fired. Because Sean's an idiot.

PLOT

What plot? This is what I have so far - Mitchell is a drug dealer, and Sean is a spy. Why is Mitchell dealing? Who hired Sean? What is Mitchell doing that's so serious, that she needs a spy? How old are these kids? Why is a girls name Mitchell? Is this a one-shot thing, or is there going to be a sequel, or what? There's a lot missing that we just can't infer. And if it's "cocaine or other dangerous drugs" she's dealing, is she dealing with the police? If so, they wouldn't try to catch her with a spy who's a freaking idiot.

OVERALL

I did like it, but it needs a lot of work. Take into consideration what I said, omit a lot of things, and explain a lot of things. I suggest you just scrap this whole chapter, but take notes on what happened. Like,
"Mitchell writes a diary entry."
"She meets Sean at Cafe."
"Mitchell leaves purse behind when she goes to bathroom."
"Sean finds diary entry."
"Sean becomes suspicious."
"Mitchell notices her plan backfired and tries to seduce Sean."
"Because Sean is not a stupid idiot like in the scrapped version, he does not fall for her."
"Mitchell tries and tries again."
Whoo.
Try that.
:] PM me if you want any questions.
Got YWS?



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian