Young Writers Society

English homework. I'm actually doing it, which is a nice change.

I’m sitting on this patch of grass,
A lonely gravestone at my feet.
Your life-prolonging hourglass
Has dropped its grains,
Declared defeat.

I’ve sobbed for days, for weeks, and yet
I still cannot look back and smile.
I’ve tried, but still I cannot let
you go. I stop
and cry awhile.

The thoughts inside my head are black;
They surge with an unbounded rage.
You’re dead, you’re gone, you can’t come back,
You’ve left me lone
To grieve and age.

I whisper to you in the night,
I tell my fears, admit my lies.
An owl hoots- I jump in fright-
I watch as it
Spreads wings and flies.

Your carcass lies within a box,
But that is all; you are not bones;
You’ve followed ‘long the orthodox
way of passage-
Heaven blown.

Wow, I really like this. The flow is great and it kept my attention through the whole thing. If there are any errors they are miniscule and I didn't catch them The imagery is really amazing. I know reviews telling how good you did aren't helpful but really I cant find any thing that I dis-like about this poem.

Good job

-Tiffany

I like this, it gives good detail I think.

The first line didn't flow the best for me, but that may just be me.

I liked the second part of it the best, so overall I like this.

This flows very well and you express yourself nicely. I love;
"lonely gravestone" and;
"Your life-prolonging hourglass

Has dropped its grains,

Declared defeat".

I'd change "still I cannot let

you go"

"The thoughts inside my head are black;"

"Spreads wings and flies".

Someone told me a few months ago that poetry about death is so common that you have to try extremely hard to keep it original.

I like the use of the owl, and I think that the attempt to comprehend what the deceased is now is particularly powerful ("Your carcass lies within a box,

But that is all; you are not bones").

My advice is to get a pen and scratch out everything that sounds like something you've heard before, and replace it with something truer to you.

Lovely use of rhythm and rhyme throughout.

Jas

well i found you you'll be able to guess who i am i'm thinking hehe (look at my name isn't it fabulous) and i decided to actually see what some other people who don't know me think because then they won't be scared of offending me.

you already know how much i love your poem but it does make me a little bit sad.
love you

Nice job with this! You did quite well with the imagery and the flow of the poem. I liked the last stanza the most.

There's only one thing that I can point out:


"I whisper to you in the night,

I tell my fears, admit my lies.

An owl hoots- I jump in fright-

I watch as it

Spreads wings and flies."


Shouldn't it be 'spreads its wings and flies?'


Overall, good work! Keep it up! ^^