Three Things

Chapter 1—Drunk

“Hey baby! Do you mind getting us some drinks?” Jared’s husky voice filtered over the party music.

“Not at all. Whaddaya want?” I asked, already knowing his response.

“A beer or a shot or something. You know I like ‘em strong.” He winked and kissed my lips roughly before sending me on my way.

I slipped through the crowded living room and found the drink table. There was a various assortment of beer, vodka, whiskey, and whatever vine the parents were stupid enough to leave on the countertop. I selected one of the cups and took a sip. Vodka. Definitely strong. Jared would love it. I grabbed a soda for myself, knowing that I would be driving Jared home.

I skipped back to Jared, picturing exactly what he would do when he saw what I had found for him.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I finally got to him. I was envisioning a kiss more passionate than Romeo and Juliet, but what I got was much, much different. Jared was kissing somebody all right, but it sure wasn’t me!

He was sitting on the loveseat where I had left him, but somehow a slutty blonde whore had made her way into his lap. The two were practically glued to each other’s faces! His hand was feeling it’s way up the back off her shirt, and both her arms and legs were wrapped securely around him. Even worse, he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that his girlfriend was standing right in front of him.

“Jerk!” I screamed through the curtain of tears that had suddenly appeared on my face. Without thinking, I threw my opened soda in his direction. “We’re over!”

He looked up in surprise as I ran off sobbing. I ended up back by the drink table, which reminded me that I still had the vodka in my hand. I chugged it, wanting for the first time in my life to get drunk, and stay that way. I downed three more before I saw Jared pushing his way through the crowd.

In a hurry to get out of there, I pulled out my keys and sprinted to my car. I faintly remembered something about not driving drunk, but Jared was coming through the door and I had to get out of there.

I sped out of the driveway, hurt and miserable. I never slowed down, even after I was well past the house.

Suddenly I came around a sharp bend, and the last thing I saw was a pair of headlights.

Hello, youreit.

What a great start. I loved the story. I didn't see any mistakes, or i probably just missed them.

Anyway, your story was great and it undeniably grabbed my attention.
Don't hesitate to PM me if you want something more elaborate.
And please PM me when you decide to write the next chapter.

-barney

“A beer or a shot or something. You know I like ‘em strong.” He winked and kissed my lips roughly before sending me on my way.

It should be: A beer, a shot, or something.

There was a various assortment of beer, vodka, whiskey, and whatever vine the parents were stupid enough to leave on the countertop.

Silly typo wine not vine

Vodka. Definitely strong.

Vodka, definitely strong.

Jared would love it. I grabbed a soda for myself, knowing that I would be driving Jared home.

You use alot of names. How about throwing some pronouns in there like he she it ah. For example replace jared with him at the end of this sentence

I skipped back to Jared,

Skipping through a crowed house party? It kind of seemes unlikely.

but somehow a slutty blonde whore had made her way into his lap.

there needs to be a comma between slutty and blonde

“Jerk!” I screamed through the curtain of tears that had suddenly appeared on my face. Without thinking, I threw my opened soda in his direction. “We’re over!”

Why not throw the vodka on him?

Suddenly I came around a sharp bend, and the last thing I saw was a pair of headlights

Nice dramatic ending.

I liekd this. Would you please pm when you have another chapter up?

-Tiffany

Hiya, Youreit!
I'm here to review your story!
Here goes:

There was a various assortment of beer, vodka, whiskey, and whatever vine the parents were stupid enough to leave on the countertop.

Well, Rascalover already got the typo so I'll point out the other thing I spotted. I don't really think parents would leave the alcohol out right there, in the open, where it's sending vibes: "Drink me! Drink me!" Wouldn't you think they would actually attempt to hide it in a cupboard or something?

I skipped back to Jared, picturing exactly what he would do when he saw what I had found for

I agree with Rascal, but also skipping with a open cup? Wouldn't the alcohol be going over the sides?

“Jerk!” I screamed through the curtain of tears that had suddenly appeared on my face. Without thinking, I threw my opened soda in his direction. “We’re over!"

Um... that was very Drama Queen-ish. Making a big scene. But that depends on the character, I guess. If it's a Drama Queen character, it fits perfectly!

Suddenly I came around a sharp bend, and the last thing I saw was a pair of headlights.

Hmm.... I'm not sure what she was doing, she could be passing out or pull out in front of a car. If she is getting hit by a car, then You should change it to : The last thing I saw was a pair of headlights coming at me. Or something. Anyway, it's dramatic.

This was really short, so critiquing is hard. xP You had a lack of description. Describe the scene more. Was it warm or cold? Raining or sunny? Night or day? What were they wearing?

Other than that, it was interesting. Not a lot of grammar mistakes! *thumbs up*

Keep writing and good luck!
Becca

Hi Youreit ^^ Nice to meet another 13-year old on YWS. If you have the time, you should look up Evi. Another one of the young writers around here xD

Back to the review...

Positive:
The way you opened up this idea of yours was great. This whole chapter (plot wise) was excellent, in my opinion. You briefly described what and why teens drink, get drunk, and well, crash. The way you wrote this went along well with the main character's impulse. So in other words, the plot doesn't seem to cliche ^^

Negative:
Though your plot is interesting, your descriptions are lacking. The readers don't know the main character or what she looks like. Actually, they don't know how anyone looks like except for that blonde girl. You have to pay attention to even the smallest of details while being able to stay on track.

For example, if you wanted to bring in the color of the main character's hair without saying, "Her hair is red" or brown or whatever, you could've said "Jared ran his fingers through my tangled, red hair." Or to show a facial expression "Staring back at me in Jared's eyes was a girl with a look of excitement/weariness/etc."

Remember that your first chapter is not only supposed to bring the reader into the story, but also introduce them to setting, the characters, and the plot. Also, don't forget to incorporate your title throughout your story in some significant way.

Good Luck & Keep Writing
-Shina

Hey youreit =]

So I enjoyed reading this =]

I agree with all that the other reviewers have said, but I have one more suggestion for you.

room and found the drink table.

It may just be because I'm British, but I think 'drink' would sound better written as 'drinks'

Also, I think angels-symphony picked up on one of the main things that seems to be missing in this chapter. Description. You seem to be doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. We don't have a clue what any of the characters look like - apart from the blonde girl - but you don't describe the setting either.

I slipped through the crowded living room and found the drink table.

This is only a suggestion, but maybe you could add in something along the lines of;

'I slipped through the crowded living room, dodging people's drinks and scantily dressed girls, before I found the drinks table.'

^^ It's only a suggestion though, but I think it would help to set the scene a little more =]

I hope that this review has been of some help to you

xDudettex