Young Writers Society

I know why the caged bird sings,
It is the only thing that reminds of what it used to be.

I know why the caged man cries,
For every second there, inside he slowly dies.

I know why the caged mouse runs,
It longs to return to the place where it was born.

I know why the caged cat screams,
For it yearns for the wild, where it once had dreams.

I know why the caged dog growls,
Inside a cage there is no moon, so it cannot howl.

I know why the caged one types,
For I am one, and this is my only way to fight.

This was good. I liked the last stanza the best, and I can certainly relate. A few little things though.

it is the only thing that reminds it of what it used to be.

You used the word "it" too much. I'm not really sure what you would use to fix that, but I just thought I should point it out. Also, this line seemed to be a bit long to me.

for it dreams of the wild, where it once had dreams.

You used the word dreams twice, and it just doesn't sound good. You don't have to change the meaning, just find a synonym or something.

Another thing I noticed was the rhyme scheme. Some stanzas rhymed, others didn't. You don't want to do that, because it throws off the flow as well as the reader and makes the poem seem disorderly. I personally liked the rhyming, so if you just go back to the stanzas that didn't rhyme and try to change that, I think that would be best.

Another little nit-pick is that every line has to begin capitalized, even if it's in the middle of a sentence.

This poem was good, and I liked the idea, but it was very bland. Like I get that it's short, but it was dry and to the point, and that's not what poetry is really. You need more imagery and emotion to get the reader interested and concerned. Because of the shortness of this poem, it's hard to add any sort of in depth descriptions or anything, but just for future reference. Show, don't tell.

It's a good poem, but it just needs a little fine-tuning.

I've taken your advice and done a little editing.

Hey there. The concept for this is pretty nice, but the fact that it's based off of something unoriginal is going to make it all seem phony and trying to fit into that mold.

I, too, had a problem with the fact that some of the stanzas rhymed and others didn't. If you don't want to subject yourself to the rigid format of rhyming, then don't. Let this be a bit more freestyle and relaxed and you might find a better medium there.

Speaking of free-style, I have to disagree with one thing that Emily said:

Another little nit-pick is that every line has to begin capitalized, even if it's in the middle of a sentence.

Not every line has to be capitalized, actually. ^_^ It's often easier to follow the poem's flow if you only capitalize where it would be capitalized in prose. I think that keeping with that would serve this poem better.

I know why the caged dog growls,

Inside a cage there is no moon, so it cannot howl.



I know why the caged one types,

For I am one, and this is my only way to fight.

I'd like to make a few suggestions relating to the other form in this poem. I think you should use colons after each of the introductory lines. Colons can be used after complete sentences when the next part of the sentence explains the first part. So, you say you know why the ___ does this. That's one sentence, and then you explain it in the next. Colons would make it all look neater.

Also, though there's no moon in a cage, perhaps the dog would see the moon and still howl. But besides that, a dog would howl without the moon as well. <_<; I mean, I know what you're going for, but it doesn't make sense, and I think you can find something more poignant to say.

Lastly, though I realize that the last stanza is kind of the point of the poem, I really dislike it. The rest of the poem refers to indistinct animals (even the man doesn't really have a personality), but here you bring it way too close to the reader after its been so distant. It doesn't feel consistent. Not only that, but what are your cages? The reader has no idea what kind of struggle you've been through, and so does not identify with you or really care at the end. Just my opinion.

PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed. Keep writing! ^_^

-Hannah-

Hannah wrote:Hey there. The concept for this is pretty nice, but the fact that it's based off of something unoriginal is going to make it all seem phony and trying to fit into that mold.

-

I know what you're talking about here. 'I know why the caged bird sings' or some work to that effect, but this piece is derived from the title of a 'Venture Brothers' episode. The episode was titled, "I know why the caged bird kills"


~The friend of a friend who didn't want to post~

I know what you are getting at, and I like this.

O hai. ^^

This did draw me in from the front page, and I quite enjoyed it, actually. The comparasions were all effective apart from, I think, the "caged man" one. Im not sure why, it just didn't sit as well as the others. Maybe it's because you're talking about a human in the last stanza?

Anyway, while I did enjoy this, it did feel a tad melodramatic. Likening yourself to a caged one -- it's rather over the top. "I am a caged one, and this is why I write." I don't know, it seems too angsty and dramatic. I'm not sure how you can fix this, but keep it in mind if you do any more editing.

I don't really have much of a criticism for this. I thought you did an excellent job, and I think anything that was originally wrong with the poem has since been addressed. I liked the last stanza, how you related all the desperate struggles of the caged things to an author on his computer. Made everyone else writing on this website feel like a badass aahaha good work man.

Tim L. wrote: I liked the last stanza, how you related all the desperate struggles of the caged things to an author on his computer. Made everyone else writing on this website feel like a badass aahaha good work man.

Your comment. made me laugh. I needed a smile

Brilliant!! A work of genius!! A masterpiece of this meagre time!!!
'S math sin!! 'S e, 's math sin agus sin!!!!!

Wonderful! Loved it! (though there were a few times where your word choice kinda broke the flow a bit...)

It's really good!!!

(and there's another review count!)

It was an okay poem, I didn't really like it though. Yes, I'm just about to say it, repitition. It was good at the beginning but then it just started to iritate me because you used it so much. That's my opinion so before anybody maybe pounces on me and argues I would like to say this is my review and so I am entitled to express my opinion on said poem. Interesting ideas in it though and the last stanza, it was a nice touch

Hey there!

Like some of the other reviewers, I found the rhyme pattern inconsistent. While this can be easily rectified, there are more fundamental issues that need to be dealt with.

You seem to have nicked the first line and title from Maya Angelou's "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." It's all very well trying to go for grand allusions, but here you lose the subtlety of the original poem, namely by repeating the initial sentence structure (known as anaphora) too many times. I think it would be more effective if you reduced this list to the three most important ideas, then develop them. Make the allusions to Angelou's original piece less self-evident. Have you actually read the poem? If not, look it up! See what you can steal. Maybe use the format? A specific image?

The phrase "I know why..." becomes somewhat bland after a while, so choose a more potent image or idea as your unifying device. The theme of entrapment is powerful, so perhaps foreground this rather than beginning with "I know why..." Try starting: "The caged bird sings because..."

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Gahks