Then there was three

POV: Sasha

There I was standing at the edge of the path that would take me away from everything I have ever known all my life. My servants, my family and most of all my younger sister Kayla. But I refuse to be a pawn to my parents evil schemes. My father the evil vampire king got into some trouble with the rival emperor and he would only allow the debt to be paid in one way. You see he has a son Henry who has come to age to marry and his father wants the most beautifull vampire princess to be his bride. Well anyways my father had to enter me into the contest to be Henry's bride, and unfortanatly I won, and well here I am on the eve of my wedding. I never had the pleasure to hurt people unlike most of my family. My only friend I have had all my life Kayla I am now leaving in my attempt to stop the wedding by taking away the most important person involved on my families behalf, me. I have been thinking about the best way to get away and I finally came up with leaving after setting all the prisoners free and dressing some of the girls in my clothes. While they escaped I went around the back way and ran to the covering of the forest.

So here I am standing at the path having second thoughts about running away. [/i]Maybe it won't be so bad[/i] I tell myself. But I know that is a lie. It won't be alright I have already been found missing. I heard people yelling behind me "Red alert Sasha is gone! I repeat Sasha is gone!" I ran even faster when I heard that. And like my parents would listen to me and stop the marriage. I was doing the right thing I would have to keep a low profile know that they are out looking for me. I clutched my staff harder until my knuckles turned even whiter than they already were, as I took off running in order to get away from the sound of running that was behind me as they began to spread out through the forest to look for me. I could not allow my self to be caught that would be the end of my chances to save myself.

I began to run as fast as i could i didn't want them to find me when i heard only one set of footsteps behind me i started to slow knowing that i could probably hide and their mind doesn't sound to bad so if i just hide behind that tree then maybe i can escape him.

Hello, angelwing! I've marked the grammatical & spelling errors, and also showed you how I would reword some things the make them sound better.

There I was, standing at the edge of the path that would take me away from everything I [s]have[/s] had ever known [s]all my life[/s].

My servants, my family and, most of all, my younger sister Kayla.

But I refuse to be a pawn to my parents' evil schemes.

My father the evil vampire king got into some trouble with the rival emperor [s]and he[/s] who would only allow the debt to be paid in one way.

You see, [s]he has a[/s] his son Henry [s]who[/s] has come [s]to[/s] of age [s]to marry[/s] and his father wants the most beautiful[s]l[/s] vampire princess to be his bride.

Well anyways, my father had to enter me into the contest to be Henry's bride, and [s]unfortanatly[/s] unfortunately I won. [s]and well[/s] So here I am on the eve of my wedding.

I never [s]had the pleasure to hurt[/s] enjoyed hurting people [s]un[/s]like most of my family did.

My only friend I have had all my life Kayla I am now leaving in my attempt to stop the wedding by taking away the most important person involved on my families behalf, me.
...
Now I have to leave Kayla, the only friend I have ever had, in my attempt to stop the wedding. I'm taking away the most important person - me.

By the way, to make your italics work, start with [i].

It won't be [s]alright[/s] all right. I have already been found missing.

I heard people yelling behind me, "Red alert: Sasha is gone! I repeat, Sasha is gone!"

And like my parents would listen to me and stop the marriage. I was doing the right thing I would have to keep a low profile know that they are out looking for me.

I don't understand these lines at all.

I clutched my staff harder, until my knuckles turned even whiter than they already were. [s]as[/s] I took off running in order to get away from the sound of running [s]that was[/s] behind me as they began to spread out through the forest to look for me.

I could not allow my self to be caught; that would be the end of my chances to save myself.

The last sentence is confusing. It is a big run-on! Who is the "he"?

So, I think this is an interesting concept. I don't think you did enough explaining. Maybe it will come out in a later part, but the reader would like to know what kind of trouble Sasha's dad got in & why she won the contest & who the prisoner girls are & who's chasing after her & why she doesn't have any other friends besides her sister & why she wants to stop the wedding.

Also, check your tense shifts. Keep it consistent.

I'd like to read more!

Cheers,
Rachel

Honestly, I don't want to read this until you change the grammar error in your title.

-Kylan

Locked. Same story has been posted in Action/Adventure here: topic48606.html


If you'd like me to move your piece to Romantic Fiction, PM me and let me know.