Souless [Chapter One, Part 2]

Thanks to everyone who posted the reviews on part one! You guys have been so great, and your comments really helped!

My legs and arms twisted around painfully as I rolled, getting caught in random branches.

Don't use the word "random". It's a word that's descriptive, but at the same time, it's not a good one. It just makes your work seem less high in quality. It could also use a bit of rearranging. Maybe change it to "My legs and arms twisted around painfully, getting caught on branches, as i rolled." This is the best way I can construct it.

“Your head. It’s bleeding,” he said slowly,

Wasn't she wearing a helmet, though? The only damage the helmet had was a cracked visor, so the only damage she could get to her head would be a concussion. It's not like she can get cut through the hard shell of the helmet and then through the padding inside without the helmet itself taking more damage.
If you want to keep this injury, maybe while she's rolling, you can have a rock or something strike the helmet, cutting into it. Or you could have her helmet fall off while she's rolling (although I don't think it would fall off that easily).

That Veronica is some trouble maker
Now, there were some tiny typos here and there, but I think I'm going to skip them. This part of the chapter is more captivating than the first one in my opinion. I must say the way you described the flashback from the past is truly great, I felt a strong connection to the little girl (not to mention I squealed when I read the description of the little girl standing on her toes looking outside the window).
I must say something in the hospital conversation doesn't seem right, but I just can't put my finger on it. I think the way you have described the doctor's appearance doesn't really match the way he's acting. Not sure, though, I just feel something wrong there.

You had me from the first part, so please keep PM-ing me the follow-ups, because I'm eager to see what happens next.

My legs and arms twisted around painfully as I rolled, getting caught in random branches.

Don't use the word "random". It's a word that's descriptive, but at the same time, it's not a good one. It just makes your work seem less high in quality. It could also use a bit of rearranging. Maybe change it to "My legs and arms twisted around painfully, getting caught on branches, as i rolled." This is the best way I can construct it.

“Your head. It’s bleeding,” he said slowly,

Wasn't she wearing a helmet, though? The only damage the helmet had was a cracked visor, so the only wounds she could get to her head would be a concussion. It's not like she can get cut through the hard shell of the helmet and then through the padding inside without the helmet itself taking more damage.
If you want to keep this injury, maybe while she's rolling, you can have a rock or something strike the helmet, cutting into it. Or you could have her helmet fall off while she's rolling (although I don't think it would fall off that easily).

“Well, good evening there, Veronica!” a man’s voice greeted as it passed through the door. He was a fairly old man with a wreath of white hair and a white lab coat to go with it.

Change the middle part to "a man greeted as he passed through the door." The way it is now makes it seem like his voice is passing through the door without him. Now if you do this, there will be some repetition, so change "He was a fairly old man with" to "he was fairly old with". And now this part is perfect.

Behind his wire framed glasses were deep brown eyes with crinkly laugh lines protruding from the corners.

First, you mean "wire-rimmed" not "wire-framed". Next, I like how you mentioned the "crinkly laugh lines", but you fumbled a bit. The way this is phrased makes the eyes themselves are the focus of everything, so when you say "were deep brown eyes with crinkly laugh lines protruding from the corners", you're actually saying that these lines are on the eyeballs themselves. You need to mention its the skin around the eyeballs.

I said, waving at the gash above my left eyebrow.

Ah, so its the area above her eyebrow that's bleeding. In that case I guess you could get a cut, but you'd need more than a crack in the visor, maybe shattered (but then again, maybe helmets are built to not do that, so I wouldn't know). But you should make it clear the cut is above her eyebrow earlier when she's feeling her head, because I was thinking that the cut was away from the visor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You want me to take a breathalyser test?”

If it's morning, as you said, I doubt they'd bother with a breathalyser test, because she would probably be sober if she'd been drinking (unless she'd been immensely intoxicated). Besides, isn't it just a normal crash (as far as they know)? So why would they be inclined to see if she was drunk? Maybe that's actually something they do for all crashes, but I wouldn't know. I'd go you yahoo answers and ask to be sure.

He pressed the needle against the skin on the outer edge of my eyebrow, and I could feel the cold, sharp point threatening to break my skin.
“Ready?” the doctor asked.
I gave a stiff nod.

I don't think she'd be nodding if there was a needle about to break through skin on her face. Make it a verbal confirmation.

I got to go now, so I'll finish up later.

Okay, I'm back.

“You’re lucky my friend knows a thing or two about bikes. That thing–”
“You sold it?” I shrieked. “You sold my Buell 1125CR?”

How did she realize he sold it from just that? He said nothing about selling it, so make it more clear what he means.

I woke up to the cold, winter-morning brightness, swathed in three wool blankets and flannel pyjamas. (You know, the flannel p.js with the little bears that look like over-fluffed lambs and the wool blankets with little flowers and hearts stitched in.)

You need to put the (You know... stitched in) part before the period.

There was no more crispy pie shell filled with the goodness of pumpkin; no pumpkin pie for Pumpkin.

I know what you're trying to do, but the repetition of "pumpkin" makes it hard to read. I'd suggest getting rid of the first one.

You could hear all the gears shifting and grinding against each others as it slugged from the fifth floor.

The way you said this makes it sound like the elevator started on the fifth floor, which would be weird for a ground level.

I stared at the prison-cell like olive walls.

Add a hyphen between "cell" and "like".

I froze until I heard the slam of his door, and then I glanced at the clock; three AM.

Ah. If it's only a couple hours after the crash, then I can believe the breathalyzer test.

Once again, you continue to entertain! This was a great follow up to the last chapter. The only real suggestion I could make is that a more appropriate ending point for this chapter would be after this part.

That was February third, the day they put on my mother’s grave stone. Ten years later, and I still remembered each exact detail of that day.
“When will you ever learn, Ronnie?” Dad asked sorrowfully.
Just then, the cab pulled up in front of us, so we opened our doors and got in. The rest of the way home was completely silent.

This brought good closure to the flashback (which may have been a little sudden, but it was still pretty solid), and if you'd ended it there, the sad feeling of the flashback would still be with us as we awaited the next chapter. It would entice us to continue reading. For now, just leave it, but I thought I'd mention it for future reference when you're dividing up your story.

Anyway, once again, I loved it. Be sure to PM me when the next part comes up.

Hey! Basket here! I'm going review this since the first part was just so good. So, here we go. Its going to be the same as last time, mkayy?
So, lets go.

But then I collided with the soil and bushes

Okay, I personally wouldn't start a "new chapter" per se, with the word "but". Its just... not the best attention grabber for the first paragraph.

My rolling eventually stopped,

How?

He crouched down on his knees so his face was level with mine

Nix the bolded.

The shock of the resemblance to the girl in the road made me gasp.

If she gasped... wouldn't his reaction be different to her gasp from that? (The quote below)

Brendan snapped his fingers in front of my face, and his voice began to come back. “Ronnie? Ronnie, I’m over here. Hello?”

“Oh,” I said, my throat thick.

I'd change that word... you used it in the above paragraph.

My eyes opened, but the stars were so thick that I couldn’t see.

Ahh... I'd change "thick" to "bright". It makes more sense, in my opinion.

trying not to loose his patience,

Lose.

You want me to take a breathalyser test?”

Double check this word, because depending on where you live, it can be spelt with an S or a Z.

knees of his favourite green plaid pyjama pants.

"Pyjama" to "pajama".
Period after "pants".

“There’s no permanent damage; just a slight concussion. Go home, get some rest, and she’ll be fine in the morning.

I'm not quite sure here, but I don't think the doctor's would let someone go home if they had a concussion, no matter how minor... I think they would at least keep the person over night...
You may want to do some research on that point, if you haven't already.
If you have, just ignore me.

“You sold it?” I shrieked. “You sold my Buell 1125CR?”

How does she know this just by her dad saying, "my friend knows a lot about bikes"...? Kind of odd, in my opinion. To kind of clear up the possible confusion, you could have your MC go into a inner monologue here, explaining how her dad has always wanted to sell it or something.

like a glass filling with water…

Take out the elipses and just have a period.

and the near constant smell of moff balls.

Ahh, I'm pretty sure its "moth".


This is a very good and very interesting story. The only thing I can think of to change in this is where you put the flashback. Personally... I wouldn't put it where you did. I would wait until Veronica is asleep and kind of have it in the nightmare version, so she wakes up suddenly, reminded about her mother.
Where you put it, it was kind of random.
Other than that and the few errors I pointed out, it was really good. Now I'm going to go onto chapter two!
Once again, good job. =D
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