Parallel

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Good morning, darling
I hope you are well.


Take a breath,
inhale the ink-dredging sunrise
that creeps over the hilltops
and chases the frost back to the lake.

Let the children dance,
softly, raindrops on your irises,
as sparrows laugh at their stumbling
and their shadows catch them when they fall.

Feel the sand disintegrate between your toes
as the cats claim your vision with their backs,
and the flowers open like
curious clamshells.

Yes darling,
it is a lovely painting, isn’t it?


“Look!
How blue the sky this morning!”
It mirrors your eyes ...
“How wonderful to be an albatross!
a wingspan to touch horizons
and a bed in the clouds,
why, I could almost kiss the moon as I slept!”
Beautiful indeed darling,
but now, we must eat.


Let your dreams be served
upon a plate of gorgeous cyan,
with but the tiniest sprinkling of stars.

Don’t touch the remote darling!

Click.
Close your eyes, cover your ears.
Keep the vicious locusts from perforating the bubble
Flickering pixels.
Run baby, run.

You can’t escape them.

Ice sculptures,
cold eyes fixed upon yours,
as they scream sirens
at chicken wire.

Travesty! Morality!
Cataclysm!
gunshots.

The birds scream back at the journalist’s,
All they want is their skies.
just their skies; just their wings.

Turn it off darling, just switch it off.
your bubble is broken,
your skin is broken
your heart is broken,
Run.


Run outside into the sunlight
and let doors slam on your footprints.

sparks.

The children don’t turn their heads.
and the sparrows miss no notes,
as through the air soar sunbeams
that carries music from their throats.

The flowers taste the melody
and the grass bathes in the light
your sepia evaporates
as the day approaches night.

Pinch yourself darling.
See! It’s all still there!
That beautiful smile hasn’t gone anywhere.

And neither have I.


The curtain draws until the encore.
Goodnight darling,

Flick your cigarette at the horizon
and fall asleep in the flames.
Last edited by erratik_statik on Sat May 30, 2009 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .

"The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock" T.S Eliot




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Points 1781
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I don't understand poetry. By that I mean I am unable to strip something such as this down to its core in order to decipher what it means.

I can't review poetry - it would be beneficial to neither one of us if I tried to. But I will say that I liked the imagery in this. I've read it through about three times now, and it still intrigues me.

So I'll give this a gold star and a thumbs-up; I didn't have to necessarily 'get' this piece to enjoy it.

I'd like to see an "ink-dredging sunrise".


Pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...

-Libretto




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Points 15394
Reviews 1464
Hey Doogzie! Juniper here! =]


You haven't been around much at all lately. :P


*gold stars*

So, the first thing that stood out to me here was your imagery. It was so strong, beautiful, and perfect. Some parts, like:

inhale the ink-dredging sunrise


AND

Feel the sand disintegrate between your toes


Could easily become confusing, because with "ink dredging" it kind of sounds like the ink is dredging out the sunrise, rather than the sunrise clouding out the ink/

Same with disintegrating-- it kind of sounds like the sand is... dissolving, instead of like, just being sand. :P

*

Your structure was quite interesting as well. You start with a free-form structure and later introduce rhyme (which flowed perfectly; it would usually annoy me elsewhere, but this was amazing and brilliant and just overall wonderful).


As you once said, Doogzie, you never cease to amaze me.

Beautiful work on this, definitely one of my favorites by you. (And, if you can't tell, I'm quite speechless here.)


-- Juniper. ;)

(Beautiful work here, dear, keep it up)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Points 1090
Reviews 241
Okay, I really liked this - your imagery and word choice was absolutely gorgeous. However, I'm still not quite sure what this poem is ABOUT. I sense there's some tragedy going on, but we don't really get a good grasp on it. Even though this is a poem, I'd like to see a little bit more of a story arc throughout the poem, if that makes sense.

Again, LOVED it. Beautiful work. :)
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"



Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson