Young Writers Society

This is a poem I wrote a few months back, its about falling in love and realising that all the times you thought you were in love before was no where near as close to love as you thought it was. I'm not sure what category it would fit into so I've posted it here. I'd love to hear what people think! Thanks

(needs a title still)

Hands warm like the pavement beneath your feet on a summer day

Fingers wrapping around yours as a glove would in the dead of winter

Eyes so open so honest like looking into the future and seeing only you before me

The world falls away when you are near

Everything disappears, only we remain

Still, silent, yet saying a thousand words



A new world began when you walked into mine

Closing the door firmly behind the last

Unexpected, The tide catching your toes on the sand

Unexplainable, taking you from within

So real and raw it takes your breath from you

Leaves you uneasy, vulnerable

A vulnerability never felt before, yet as if almost comforting

Knowing she feels it too.



Before her only shades of grey, a wash of lifeless ambition

Going forward only because going back was not an option.

Too late, too late, so sure, so sure.

But the colours came back, in shades of red

Not for love but for belief
And for love for love.

Loved it,
The sensations are really good and I particularly love the contrasts between summer and winter, near and far, vulnerability and comfort and saying a thousand words yet none at all, it's all so true of young love.
The only thing that I would comment on is the last line of the last stanza, it's clear that this person thinks and feels deeply, so to enforce this perhaps you could say, for love...for love.
Other than that it's a really good poem!
Well done,
Wildwood

Hi there! I'm June! Welcome to YWS!

So, this poem was decent. I think that because the subject of a love poem is so commonly used, so commonly written about, it's really tricky to be able to enjoy another simple love poem.


I wasn't so fond of the similes you used in the first bit-- I think they were a bit... melodramatic and in another way I felt that you had overdone it. I think one shiny description would have been enough, but you brought more on in the next few lines.

That's not a bad thing! Remember, I'm only stating my opinions, dear, nothing personal against you at all.


As for the emotion, I'm not feeling that it was strong enough. You're obviously saying that you love or loved this person, and now it's feeling like you're just letting those feelings dissipate without any hope or effort to renew them, dear.


I think that one of the main things that I would like to see here is something unique. Something that the rest of us can understand and relate to but something that we are not hearing all the time in love poems.

For now! You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work, and welcome to YWS.


Any questions? PM me .


June

Thanks for the reviews ....

The whole essence of the poem is in the contrasts, so without the two at start is kind of in my eyes necessary, summer/winter, which continues on. The person I am writing about as to say, and relationship with them is melodramatic, crazy, irrational and intense, that why I used the contrasts I did. It was suppose to be a bit melodramatic, a bit over the top, but the reason I titled it 'just another love poem' was partly in an ironic context.

It's also about 'coming out' in the last stanza, I don't know if anyone had picked up on that, things often aren't clear in poetry, also the mention of things coming back in shades of red is a political statement not as in red for love. Red for communism/Marxism.


It's not so tragically cliched as you probably think it is, hehe

Star xx