The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect

flashing across solar system’s planes
we venture to the end of expansion
bones bending
atoms shifting from the molecular norm
two bodies stretch to a state of
elasticity-
minds turn sideways
hearts bulge out of the neck
limbs flail wrapping the body into a cocoon.
At the End, on the edge of expansion,
two cocoons float peacefully in outer space.

Hey Serendipity! Can just say, I think your name is brilliant. =] By the way, in case you didn't know, YWS does have a rule in that for every piece you submit, you must review two things. You posted two pieces already, so get reviewing! That said, I'll look at this for you.

flashing across solar system’s planes [I feel as if there should be a "the" before "solar", but that's my preference.]
we venture to the end of expansion [Expansion doesn't really have an end--that's what expansion is. It keeps growing, expanding, thrusting the end further away. "Edge" may be more appropriate, or you could highlight that was unreachable.]
bones bending
atoms shifting from the molecular norm
two bodies stretch to a state of
elasticity- [Is this necessary? I think that the line before work better as simply "two bodies stretch--" and then no line here. You also seem to switch between first person and third person, which feels unintentional and odd.]
minds turn sideways
hearts bulge [s]out of[/s] [from] the necks [plural?]
limbs flail wrapping the body into a cocoon.
At the End, on the edge of expansion,
two cocoons float peacefully in outer space. [We already know where they are, at the end. The ending is more effective with shorter lines, I find.]

I was being very picky there, but I would love to see this polished up because it's a fantastic poem--every word is significant, because you're cramming so much into s little. I love the flow and the rhythm, and the lack of punctuation to begin with was very effective indeed. Well done!

However, I found that the meaning was too difficult to grasp, if there's one at all. I like poetry because the words don't need to make complete sense, but you can make your own interpretations. My problem with this was that it's quite specific, in that it's around outer space, so I find it difficult to find a meaning anything different than what should be on the page, if that makes sense. Of course, it's only my opinion, but I'd love to see some more meaning in this, because the imagery is superb, but I don't know what I need to be imagining.

My advice would be to give us something to work with, perhaps a hint or something. Otherwise all the words mean nothing in my eyes, and the mystery becomes confusion. No need to hand us anything on a plate, but it's a suggestion.

Nonetheless, great job! PM me if you have any questions.

Best
Blinky

Hey Serendipity! June here!


I really enjoy the structure of the poem as well as the opening.

flashing across solar system’s planes

we venture to the end of expansion

• I'm a bit confused about this "planes" you've used here-- not quite sure if you meant "plains" to mean vast, open spaces of land or such?

• This "end of expansion"--

- See, what I find with this expression is that it's poses a lot of confusion, dear. Expansion signifies that something is big, very big, and perhaps has the possibility to expand more. How then can one reach the end?

hearts bulge out of the neck

• When I first read this, the first thought that popped into my mind was, "What is a heart doing in someone's neck?"

I know that it's a common expression to say "heart in my throat" in an extreme state of awe/fear/excitement, but I kind of feel like it's displaced here, dear.


* - *


So!

I think you did a good job here, really. I like that this is written where it can be taken literally or figuratively. Nice job on that.


Some places here were a little confusing to grasp such as "minds turn sideways"; however, I wouldn't change it, because that's just my opinion, and perhaps I am missing the key to interpreting this.

Beautiful job, dearie. Keep it up. ^_^


Juniper

flashing across solar system’s planes

we venture to the end of expansion

bones bending

atoms shifting from the molecular norm

two bodies stretch to a state of

elasticity-

minds turn sideways

hearts bulge out of the neck

limbs flail wrapping the body into a cocoon.

At the End, on the edge of expansion,

two cocoons float peacefully in outer space.

I love this poem. It flows nicely. Does the planes mean like the different ones on earth, it difficult to explain. I know what you mean though, I think. Anyways, I'd take the hearts bulge out of the neck because that line seems a little awkward. Also the At on one of the lines seems out of place capitilized because all your other lines are lowercase. Anyways just fix that. This poem has potential definately. Just fix up those little things and what springrain pointed out and you'll be doing good. Good luck with your writing, and keep posting. PM me if you want any other reviews.

~Alyss Heart

Hello!

The Butterfly Effect



flashing across solar system’s planes

* First off, wonderful name. Fits nicely.
* I believe there should be a 'the' before solar system, yes?

bones bending

atoms shifting from the molecular norm

two bodies stretch to a state of

elasticity-

* I loved this bit! It surely put a clear vision in my mind, which is of course a desired goal, stories or poetry.
* I'm not too well versed in poetry so this could be my mistake, but shouldn't elasticity be in the line before it? Now if you did it for dramatic effect, that's perfectly alright and worked just fine.

Hope I helped, and didn't just repeat what others said. ^.^

i thought it was good. i really like the feel of flight that you basically hand to me with those variously chosen words. great descriptive art you have and i also love the name.

disturbing, yet lovely, everything i look for in a poem ^_^