Racing Wind

I have been writing this for ageees now. I don't think its very good but I can't stop writing it. Please read and review, although I doubt you'll read rthe whole thing even though its the first thirteen chapters. Have got two sequels to this if anyone is interested.

Just the first 13 chapters here though, i can put up more at request

The story focuses around Heather, a fifteen year old girl who discovers she can shape-shift. She is kidnapped and taken away to Tarragon College, a secret project run by the government to hide people with abilities. The first of three books.

Question!

Would you prefer for me to edit/critique this in word and then just send the file back to you here? Or would you rather me do it through PM? By that I mean, would you want me to send an attachment, or copy and paste the text in a PM?

I have Word 2007, and even when I save the file as a 97-2003 file, some people can't see it? What would you prefer?

^_^ I'd definitely go over this for you.

June

It would probably be easier on a file, but I don't mind either way.

Thanks, I didn't think anyone was going to reply

Oh and I have word 2007 and to, I just converted the file into 2003 to make it easier for some people to upload, so it doesn't matter is its in 2007.

Hey, I've downloaded the file, and I'm looking forward to critiquing it, but I was wondering if you could give a summary or blurb about what it's about? I just want to know what to expect diving into this.

Thanks in advance

~Annie

i've just put the summary at the top, though its not much. If you would like I can tell you the general plot but that would spoil things a bit.

I just read through some of the earlier chapters, about 3-7. I've just read through them and they seem pretty terrible, I am trying to correct some of the more obvious mistakes and will probably rewrite some of them so you don't need to take those to seriously.

Thanks

izzy

Okay, I’ve gotten nearly halfway through - almost to chapter ten, and I was wanting to bring up some of the recurrent issues that I’m seeing, because it’s going to take me a while longer to go through the rest of it.

The main thing that is really making it hard for me to read this is the great number of grammatical errors, especially when it comes to punctuation. You’ve got a very stream-of-consciousness style, and this would be okay in itself – if it were punctuated correctly. As it is, the style isn’t stream-of-consciousness enough to allow run on sentences, but remains formal enough that attention should be paid to the use of commas vs. semicolons vs. dashes vs. full stops. In particular, you’ve a great number of sentences that are three or four sentences piled on top of each other with only commas to indicate the breaks – and sometimes not even that.

The other issue I’m noticing with punctuation is the way you use dialogue and tags. Dialogue has to be punctuated in a very specific manner – that is: commas are used to separate the dialogue from the tags (not periods, and not nothing). If you use an exclamation point or question mark, then you don’t need a comma, but if the tag is attached to the end, it still should not be capitalized.

“For example,” she said, “if I were to speak a sentence such as this to another person, I would only use a full stop where there are no tags.”

“But, what if I were to ask a question?” he asked.

Metaexamples over.

Anyways, those were my main concerns, as they are currently distracting me from the actual meat of your story – which seems, so far, like a solid concept. The Wizarding School has been done before – most notably with Hogwarts – but this seems more like the Xavier Institute, and is suitably different from even that.

Plot-wise, pacing has been good so far, though ten chapters in, I’m starting to pine for a main action plot. I don’t know if this is supposed to be more of a comedy – where the main plot is the interaction between people – or a quest, with a tangible goal and a more present antagonist.

One last concern has to do with tone, but I’ll get into that more after I’ve finished the rest of the available chapters.

Otherwise, you’ve got an engaging voice, and Heather is appropriately sympathetic. Your characters are interesting and unique, and there are many glimpses into a new perspective on the Wizarding School trope. I think it just needs a good copyedit, and a little more development of the ideas that make this piece unique.

Sorry this was so long!
~Annie

Thanks Annie

I have to say I agree with everything your saying. I looked at the story last week, right from the beginning and I was horrified. I have a lot of work to do on the grammar and some speech is badly written and rushed. I think where the 13th chapter ends, thats where the real plot comes in. But those early chapters are more introducing everything, giving her some background before I get into the real story.

I'll do and all around edit when I get peoples feed back on certain scenes. At the moment I'm thinking of more doing a rewrite :S.

I'm really glad you think it's original as it is such a cliche idea and way over used
Thanks

Izzy

I'm glad you're working on editing it; I'd look forward to reading a rewritten/copyedited version of this. And I really do think there are several points that are fairly unique, which could be expanded upon.

Ruth and Emily come immediately to mind. There is a substantial lack of disabled characters in this type of fiction, and some exploration of this theme would definitely add something new to the trope. I'm almost reminded of Gunnerkrigg Court, with the characters Zimmy and Gamma.

The atmosphere is another unique factor that could be explored. Unlike Hogwarts or even the more sci-fi editions of this trope, the school is, for all intents and purposes, a prison.

I think these sorts of things could contribute to an overall darker take on the usually sparkly image of the wizarding school trope. Which gets into what I mentioned about tone. This story starts off very, very dark. Yet, as soon as she gets to school, it lightens up - a lot. Too much, in my opinion. Suddenly, she's thinking good things about the people who kidnapped her at gun point.

I think if you seize on the idea of this school as a government prison, and children being kidnapped, it could go very far to making this YOUR take on the trope.

~Annie

Thats actually a really good idea, I've been so caught up with the next book that I forgot the potential of the first. The whole idea of "the darker side to Tarragon" only really features at the beginning and the end of the book. Although I think if i'd given you the next the chapter, chapter 14, then really would become clear just how dark Tarragon is.

Thanks loads with your feedback, has helped me so much more than I thought it would.

I think the whole edited, revamped version might take a months or so though, there's much to go through.

thanks again,

izzy

This is not fair izzy.

You said above that you have two sequals if anybody is interested.

But before you said i cant read them yet because they are not edited enough....

Please Please Give me book 2 because you cant tell me what happens in book three and not book two. Its unfair.

I have found a new way to bug you about this

ly

Ella

XX

Okay, so I've read the first chapter and I am definitely intrigued. I have a quick question, however. Would you like me to go through it and pick apart both grammer/spelling/punctuation and the style/characters/dialog, or just one of the other, or what? PM me with the answer, please!

Hey

So i re-read it, and its still good but like before, theres the whole grammar thing but i wont go over that because people have already done it.

But, i had this amazing idea and i have to tell you it at school so remind me if i forget

And i know this is irrelevant but we really need a better place for breakfast than starbucks cos beth needs to EAT something for once.

Anyway, post the rest of book 1 up when its edited.

Ella
x

Well, I got around to the final chapters (finally). Sorry, but school's been a real... well, we'll not be crude.

Anyways, like I said before, good concept, needs a bit of work to make it solid. I've done as much copy editing as I can, but you'll really have to go over that with a fine-tooth comb, I was really more focusing on the continuity and characterization and such. I hope my comments are helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~Annie

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've been out of town. Anyway, on to the critique!

I liked the theme of the story a lot. You did a great job with her feelings, and I could feel the confusion she felt at the beginning. However, the grammar and spelling errors really made it hard to read. I had trouble with a lot of it, so next time, be sure to edit beforehand.

I had to go back and reread several times when you changed the time and never really said anything about it. Such as when you skipped the whole relationship forming process and just came back in when your two main characters were an item. So you might fill in the blanks there, because I really felt like I missed something.

It was fairly original, so I'll give you points for that, and it wasn't like any of the other popular books that involve werewolves such as Twilight, Harry Potter, etc.

All in all, you have a great storyline and an amazing idea, but the story itself needs a lot of work. So if you want it to be the best it can be, I would recommend rewriting and editing. Thanks for letting me read your book. I really enjoyed it.

I totally agree with your it, this is a great story. I haven't read anything like it even though it's quite an overused idea, of the whole superpower thing. But it stands its own, so well done.
Now there are lots of silly grammatical errors that I think loads of people have told you about and some of the chapters need polishing and even rewriting but I LOVED reading this. It was incredibly easy to get sucked in to, it almost reminded me of my addiction to Twilight.

Do you think you could put the rest of the book up on the site?