No More

Good luck.





No More

Tears fall quick,
As melted wax,
That hardens
On the floor.

The water stain,
Will there remain,
A mark
Forever more.


The sky above,
Will show no love,
With pity,
It has none.

It will not rain,
To calm my pain,
For constant,
Is the Sun.


How carelessly,
The world goes on.
They do not know,
Or care.

They are bliss,
Though I still miss,
The man once
Standing there.


Why did the
Angles need him?
Too soon it seemed
He’d gone.

Why did he
Have to suffer?
When He’d done
Nothing wrong?


Tears are not
The answer,
Once he’s buried
In his grave.

I’ll just have
To wipe my eyes
And like a man,
Be brave.

Hey! I'm fragile, here to the review rescue!

Why did the

Angles need him?

Too soon it seemed

He’d gone.

Angles should be angels. Don't worry; a lot of people, including my best friend, make that mistake.

Another thing; the rhyming pattern was really good...up until that stanza. It just seemed off. I'm not too great at poetry, so my attempt at helping would sound like utter crap. Sorry!

Why did he

Have to suffer?

When He’d done

Nothing wrong?

Wrong and there don't really rhyme. You might want to try and fix that.

Tears are not

The answer,

Once he’s buried

In his grave.



I’ll just have

To wipe my eyes

And like a man,

Be brave.

Once again, rhyming is off.

I'm sorry if this is brief or harsh; no hard feelings intended. Other than those few mistakes, it was a good poem.

Write on!
- A

Its a really good poem. I like it very much. Good use of words. As fragile said rhyming was a bit off at places. But, it had a really good rhythm to it, which is great. Overall, I thought the poem was really good.

- Anshita

Hello, hello, hello!

XYZinnia wrote:No More

Tears fall quick,
As melted wax,
That hardens
On the floor.
Nice comparison especially the last two lines, but I don't think of melted wax or tears as 'quick.' That word stuck out at me, it doesn't seem to fit and it doesn't convey the sadness that is the mood of this poem, if that makes sense.

The water stain,
Will there remain,
A mark
Forever more.
I like this stanza a lot. So far there's a great rhythm going as well, so nice job on that

The sky above,
Will show no love,
With pity, With pity it has none? That doesn't sound right at all - more like as for pity it has none or...something. But yeah, that line makes no sense right now.
It has none.

It will not rain,
To calm my pain,
For constant,
Is the Sun.
I like this stanza a lot but I would get rid of the third comma.

How carelessly,
The world goes on.
They do not know,
Or care.
Again, I'd get rid of a comma here, after after know. You have a good rhythm here and it doesn't need to be forced with punctuation, that kind of defeats the whole purpose

They are bliss,
Though I still miss,
The man once
Standing there.
Ah, so here the reader is clued in on what the poem is actually about.

Why did the
Angles need him? Angels, right?
Too soon it seemed
He’d gone.

Why did he
Have to suffer?
When He’d done
Nothing wrong?
Did you mean to capitalize He'd? It connotes a Christian God, as pronouns are always capitalized when referring to Him. It's actually kind of nice, coupled with the angels in the previous stanza, but you are obviously not referring to God, so it doesn't work.

Probably just a typo though.

Tears are not
The answer,
Once he’s buried
In his grave.

I’ll just have
To wipe my eyes
And like a man, Ooh sexism! Fun stuff. (I don't have a problem with it and I don't think you should change it, I just felt like pointing it out.
Be brave.

Overall, good stuff.

-Mars

Hey there Zinnia! Juniper here! =]

Tears fall quick,

As melted wax,

That hardens

On the floor.

So, while this is an interesting start to the poem and all, I think that "as" should be "like" here, because "as" is way too vague of a term to use here.

Why did the

Angles need him?

Too soon it seemed

He’d gone.

Angles here should be angels, dearie.



- - -

I enjoy how you kept your lines short, and the subtle infrequent rhyme that played in this. There were some ideas here that felt unnecessary, but I suppose they work fine.


Nice job on this! Keep it up!

June