Little blood red riding hood ch 1&2

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Well, here is my first 2 chapters of my first piece "Little blood red riding hood" Don't be scared by the words "2 chapters" my good reviewers! It is only about 1,718 words only in total, which is, I believe, less than some posts up here. And you see, there are some part of ch2 explain some part in ch1. Oh and about the character name that the check spelling engine keep pointing out to me, you can search on google for the meaning, or if you are too lazy, it means "silver" or "silver-haired".

1. The beginning
It was a dark night. Gray clouds were floating on the sky, hiding away the wavering new moon. Rain fell from the sky, murmuring her song of sorrow. In one of the hovels in a slum of large town, a man is sitting in a dark corner of a room. His wife was giving birth to a child. He could hear she cried in the room behind him, with her mother taking care of her.

Many hours have passed. It was a rough delivery. The man was worried. Not for his wife or child, but for himself “I can barely feed myself with the money I rob every day, now how am I going to feed another mouth? Damn it!” he thought for a while “Maybe I should kill the baby...” the man whispered his evil thought to the air.

Letting out a sharp cry, his wife in the other room had the same thought, “This damned child is killing me! And I will have to feed this child with my hard earned money!? Will I have to steal more money for this wicked child? Maybe it’s better to get rid of this thing.” With another painful cry, she gave birth to a baby, and then lay still, breathed heavily.

The woman's mother gently picked the baby up, and said happily, “It is a girl!” The baby cried. Strangely, as she cried, the rain stopped, and the clouds on the sky suddenly cleared up, revealing the weak new moon. The dim moon light shone over the little child’s body, letting her skin to be seen clearly. It was white, a pale white, white as the waxing moon above.

“She is an albino!” Gasped the child’s grandmother. “She is the curse of the gods fell upon us!” cried her father “I have to kill her!”Then the man quickly walked toward the old woman, intending to kill the child, who was still crying in her arms.

But the old woman stopped him, “No! It is your child! How can you do such an inhuman thing! And if she is really the curse of the gods, killing her will anger the gods! You, with your sins, have to redeem yourself by raising this child!” The man stopped, thought for a while then grumpily swore and walked away.

The baby was still crying in her grandmother’s hands. The old woman held the baby up high to the moon light and said, “Don’t worry, I will take care of you, even if you are a curse fell upon us, you are still my granddaughter.” She thought for a moment and said, “You need a name.” Then she thought for a little more, then she smiled, “I have got a perfect name for an albino child like you: Ariane, the silver-haired angel.” The child had stopped crying by then and already fell to a deep sleep in her grandmother’s warm hands. The voice of the old woman humming happily the child’s new name gently flowed into her sweet dreams: “Ariane, Ariane...”



2. A fairy tale
Once upon a time there was a little girl name Ariane. Her family was poor, very poor but they lived happily together. Or so Ariane thought.

Her family was poor because her parents refused to work. Her father was a robber, and her mother was a thief, but they were getting old, and they could not take money easily like before any more. Angered by this, they released all their wrath on innocent Ariane.

They hated her, for she was an albino girl. They hate Ariane- their own child- even more after they realized that she was not just a normal albino. One hot summer morning, when she was 3 years old, her mother carelessly left her alone near the window, naked. The intense sunlight slowly crept down to her as the burning sun rose up. Then it licked her skin.

A normal albino would only be temporally blinded by the sun and their delicate skin will get bad sunburn. However, it was not Ariane’s case. The little poor girl screamed her heart out as the sun engulfed her in it blazing light.

She was like being on fire; the air was filled with the burnt smell of her skin. Her instinct of survival was set on alarm, and she slowly crawl into the shade, just to find her mother utter another curse at her when she came back.

That was like another drop of oil in to their hatred flame toward Ariane. They had believed that she was a curse of the gods fell upon them, and after that incident, to them, she was more than just a burden. She was like a thorn in their eyes that need to be removed.

Things were even worse after the day her grandmother died. Her grandmother was her only guardian. Without her, she would become as helpless as a little bird, awaited to be prey on by her parents.

But sadly, Ariane loved her parent. She blindingly loved them. She loved them so much, that no matter how cruel or evil they were, her love did not fade. So, whenever her mother cursed her, she thought to herself, “This is how she says, “I love you.”, and she smiled. Whenever her father got drunk and hit her, she thought, “He does this because he loves me.”, and she smiled. For her, they are her world. She loved them, and what did she want in return? Nothing. Nothing but their parental love that she dreamed of. And that was something she never received from her parent.

They tried to make her steal for them once. They wanted to think that at least she could be useful for them. She protested at first, but her father replied her with a smack in her face. And she smiled.

Wavering, her little shape, warped by a dirty brown coat, disappeared into the darkness of the streets at night. After many hours, Ariane returned. She tried to drag her frail body, covered in bruise and cuts, to home before sunrise. Her mission was a total failure: she was caught and beaten until she nearly lost her conscious. When she got back to what she call “home”, under a swollen eye, she saw her father awaited at the door. He spit at her pitiful face, and closed the door. The sun was rising as she frantically knocked on the door. No answer. Hopeless, she looked for a place to hide from the sun.

Finally, she found a small, dark crack between two houses. It was covered with filth of all kind, and occasionally, a cockroach or little rat would run across her dirty toes. But with Ariane, it was her black heaven. And there she sat, in the dark, away from daylight, tears running on her smiling lips.

Fifteen years had passed since the day Ariane was born. Fifteen years of pain and hope that she had held in her heart. Despite all of her suffering, she, as if was blessed by a fairy, became a beautiful girl after those fifteen years. And like a trick of fate to make her blessing even more complete, she receive a gift for her birthday, her first gift ever in her sad life with her parents.

It was a cape with a little hood, all in a pure white, like her pure, untainted, innocent soul. Ariane was very happy about this, and she was happier because her parents were different that day. There was no more curs-ing from her mother, but singing. There was no more beating from her father, but dancing. There were smiles on their faces. It was Ariane’s dream come true. No word could describe how happy she was that day! However, little did she know that a dream is just a dream, and every dream has to come to an end, and so would her dream.

Later that night, Ariane’s father called her and said :

“Ariane, why don’t you come to Grandma’s house and celebrate your birthday with her? I am sure she would like to. Bring some cake and wine I have just bought too.”

“My grandmother? I thought she died a few years ago?” Ariane replied.

She still remembered how much she had cried on the day when her mother happily told her about her grandmother’s death. Ariane was 6 years old then. Grandmother. That word ringing in her ears. Her grandmother was an herbalist, living a quiet life in the wood. She knew about the evil deeds that her daughter and son-in-law did. But what could an old gentle woman do? She tried to convince them to live honestly, but for them, she was just a nuisance. Finally, she died, leaving joy for her wicked daughter and sorrow for her grandchild. She was the only one who was truly care for Ariane, and love her with all her heart.

“Don’t say so! My mother had not died yet!” Ariane’s mother snapped in, “It was...was...a friend of
mine! Yes, I mean it was my friend’s mother that died! It was a mistake! My mother, your grandmother, is still alive and healthy.”
Then, she looked to her husband, who said in a fake cheerful tone,“That is right dear, your grandma is still alive. She still lives in the little cottage in the forest, and you still remember the way right? So go and see her!”

“As you wish, father.” replied Ariane.

She trusted her parents, and the news her grandmother was still alive made her so happy that she could not see the lies in their eyes. Ariane quickly got ready to go to her grandmother’s house. She prepared a basket filled with some cheap cake and wine. Then she put on her pure white coat and walked towards the door. As if, however, she knew something was wrong, Ariane turned back and asked:

“Father, mother, do you love me? Did you ever love me?”

Surprised by this, her parents did not say anything for a short while, and then her father quickly said:

“Yes. Yes we do, dear. We always love you.”

“We love you with all our hearts.” her mother said in unison with her husband.

Ariane, satisfied by this, smiled and walked away, into the dark forest.
Last edited by RainWanderer on Fri May 29, 2009 5:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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Hello!
Nice story, but you've got a lot of mistakes when it comes to writing it.
To make it easier for you, I've copied the lines that didn't seem right to me and made the wrong words bold. Under the lines, i made my corrections bold as well.

He could hear she cried in the room behind him, with her mother taking care of her.

'her cries'

Letting out a sharp [b]cried, his wife in the other room has the same thought,

'cry' and 'had'

reveal the weak new moon

'revealing'

intended to kill the child,

'intending'

even more after they realized

just a wrong spelling

A normal albino would only being temporally blinded by the sun

'be'

However, it was not Ariane’s case.

'that'

This time, I already changed your sentences.

and she slowly crawled into the shade,


She loved them, and what did she want in return?


And that was something she never received from her parents.


They tried to make her steal for them once. (i took out the 'to')


Fifteen years of pain and hope that she had held in her heart.


Later that day, in the evening, Ariane’s father called her and said :

try, 'later that night'

She was the only one who was truly cared for Ariane, and loved her with all her heart.


She prepared a basket filled with some cheap cake and wine.


Well, that's it. You've got other typos, but they don't really stand out. If you don't understand my review just PM me and I'd be glad to explain.
I like your story though. Especially the part where she thinks good things about her parents bad actions. Please continue! it's a nice story. I really hope I helped :)




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Thanks,I have just editied and posted ch 3. Help me on that one too! =D
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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Hey RW! How's it going?
I'm glad you told me about this... if you hadn't, I probably wouldn't've come to look at your stories for quite a long time... I'm lazy like that. =P
Anyhoo...
My corrections are in bold.

Ahh... I see the story is in present tense... okay, well, I'm not too good at correcting present tense... I can't even write in it. So I give you kudos for that right now! However, before you decide to edit it and change it up, if you use any of my corrections, you may want a second opinion on them, mkayy?
Anyhoo, here we are. =D



1. The Beginning

It was a dark night. Gray clouds were floating on the sky, hiding away the wavering new moon. Rain fell from the sky, murmured her song of sorrow. In one of the hovels in a slum of large town, a man is sitting in a dark corner of a room. His wife is giving birth to a child. He could hear she cried in the room behind him, with her mother taking care of her.

I would change the bolded, "she cried" into "her cries". What you have doesn't really make sense if you read it out loud...

Many hours have passed. It was a rough delivery. The man was worried. Not for his wife or child, but for himself. “I can barely feed myself with the money I rob every day, now how am I going to feed another mouth? Damn it!” he thought for a while. “Maybe I should kill the baby...” the man whispered his evil thought to the air.

Letting out a sharp cry, his wife in the other room had the same thought, “This damned child is killing me! And I will have to feed this child with my hard earned money!? Will I have to steal more money for this wicked child? Maybe it’s better to get rid of this thing.” With another painful cry, she gave birth to a baby, and then lay still, breathed heavily.

Her mother gently picked the baby up, and said happily, “It is a girl!” The baby cried. Strangely, as she cried, the rain stopped, and the clouds on the sky suddenly cleared up, revealing the weak new moon. The dim moon light shone over the little child’s body, letting her skin to be seen clearly. It was white, a pale white; white as the waxing moon above.

“She is an albino!” Gasped the child’s grandmother. “She is the curse of the gods fell upon us!” cried her father. “I have to kill her!” Then the man quickly walked toward the old woman, intending to kill the child, who was still crying in her arms.

But the old woman stopped him, “No! It is your child! How can you do such an inhuman thing! And if she is really the curse of the gods, killing her will anger the gods! You, with your sins, have to redeem yourself by raising this child!” The man stopped, thought for a while then grumpily swore and walked away.

The baby was still crying in her grandmother’s hands. The old woman held the baby up high to the moon light and said, “Don’t worry, I will take care of you, even if you are a curse fell upon us, you are still my granddaughter.” She thought for a moment and said, “You need a name.” Then she thought for a little more, then she smiled, “I have got a perfect name for an albino child like you: Ariane, the silver-haired angel.” The child had stopped crying by then and already fell to a deep sleep in her grandmother’s warm hands. The voice of the old woman humming happily the child’s new name gently flowed into her sweet dreams: “Ariane, Ariane...”

2. A fairy tale

Once upon a time there was a little girl name Ariane. Her family was poor, very poor, but they lived happily together. Or so Ariane thought.

Her family was poor because her parents refused to work. Her father was a robber, and her mother was a thief, but they were getting old, and they could not take money easily like before any more. Angered by this, they released all their wrath on innocent Ariane.

They hated her, for she was an albino girl. They hate Ariane- their own child- even more after they realized that she was not just a normal albino. One hot summer morning, when she was 3 years old, her mother carelessly left her alone near the window, naked. The intense sunlight slowly crept down to her as the burning sun rose up. Then it licked her skin.

A normal albino would only be temporally blinded by the sun and their delicate skin will get bad sunburn. However, it was not Ariane’s case. The little poor girl screamed her heart out as the sun engulfed her in it blazing light.

She was like being on fire; the air was filled with the burnt smell of her skin. Her instinct of survival was set on alarm, and she slowly crawl into the shade, just to find her mother utter another curse at her when she came back.

That was like another drop of oil in to their hatred flame toward Ariane. They had believed that she was a curse of the gods fell upon them, and after that incident, to them, she was more than just a burden. She was like a thorn in their eyes that need to be removed.

Things were even worse after the day her grandmother died. Her grandmother was her only guardian. Without her, she would become as helpless as a little bird, awaited to be prey on by her parents.

But sadly, Ariane loved her parents. She blindingly loved them. She loved them so much, that no matter how cruel or evil they were, her love did not fade. So, whenever her mother cursed her, she thought to herself, “This is how she says, “I love you.”, and she smiled. Whenever her father got drunk and hit her, she thought, “He does this because he loves me.”, and she smiled. For her, they are her world. She loved them, and what did she want in return? Nothing. Nothing but their parental love that she dreamed of. And that was something she never received from her parent.

They tried to make her steal for them once. They wanted to think that at least she could be useful for them. She protested at first, but her father replied her with a smack in her face. And she smiled.

Wavering, her little shape, warped by a dirty brown coat, disappeared into the darkness of the streets at night. After many hours, Ariane returned. She tried to drag her frail body, covered in bruise and cuts, to home before sunrise. Her mission was a total failure: she was caught and beaten until she nearly lost her conscious. When she got back to what she call “home”, under a swollen eye, she saw her father awaited at the door. He spit at her pitiful face, and closed the door. The sun was rising as she frantically knocked on the door. No answer. Hopeless, she looked for a place to hide from the sun.

Finally, she found a small, dark crack between two houses. It was covered with filth of all kind, and occasionally, a cockroach or little rat would run across her dirty toes. But with Ariane, it was her black heaven. And there she sat, in the dark, away from daylight, tears running on her smiling lips.

Fifteen years had passed since the day Ariane was born. Fifteen years of pain and hope that she had held in her heart. Despite all of her suffering, she, as if was blessed by a fairy, became a beautiful girl after those fifteen years. And like a trick of fate to make her blessing even more complete, she receive a gift for her birthday, her first gift ever in her sad life with her parents.

It was a cape with a little hood, all in a pure white, like her pure, untainted, innocent soul. Ariane was very happy about this, and she was happier because her parents were different that day. There was no more curs-ing from her mother, but singing. There was no more beating from her father, but dancing. There were smiles on their faces. It was Ariane’s dream come true. No word could describe how happy she was that day! However, little did she know that a dream is just a dream, and every dream has to come to an end, and so would her dream.

Later that night, Ariane’s father called her and said :

“Ariane, why don’t you come to Grandma’s house and celebrate your birthday with her? I am sure she would like to. Bring some cake and wine I have just bought too.”

“My grandmother? I thought she died a few years ago?” Ariane replied.

She still remembered how much she had cried on the day when her mother happily told her about her grandmother’s death. Ariane was 6 years old then. Grandmother. That word ringing in her ears. Her grandmother was an herbalist, living a quiet life in the wood. She knew about the evil deeds that her daughter and son-in-law did. But what could an old gentle woman do? She tried to convince them to live honestly, but for them, she was just a nuisance. Finally, she died, leaving joy for her wicked daughter and sorrow for her grandchild. She was the only one who was truly care for Ariane, and love her with all her heart.

“Don’t say so! My mother had not died yet!” Ariane’s mother snapped in, “It was...was...a friend of mine! Yes, I mean it was my friend’s mother that died! It was a mistake! My mother, your grandmother, is still alive and healthy.”

Then, she looked to her husband, who said in a fake cheerful tone, “That is right dear, your grandma is still alive. She still lives in the little cottage in the forest, and you still remember the way right? So go and see her!”


(For those two paragraphs, be careful of the spacing. One of the paragraphs was off, having an extra enter space in the middle of the paragraph. Also, this second paragraph I added that last sentence to it from the previous. Be careful on spaces. =D

“As you wish, father.” replied Ariane.

She trusted her parents, and the news her grandmother was still alive made her so happy that she could not see the lies in their eyes. Ariane quickly got ready to go to her grandmother’s house. She prepared a basket filled with some cheap cake and wine. Then she put on her pure white coat and walked towards the door. As if, however, she knew something was wrong, Ariane turned back and asked:

“Father, mother, do you love me? Did you ever love me?”

Surprised by this, her parents did not say anything for a short while, and then her father quickly said:

“Yes. Yes we do, dear. We always love you.”

“We love you with all our hearts.” her mother said in unison withher husband.

Ariane, satisfied by this, smiled and walked away, into the dark forest.


And there's the review!
I really like this so far.

Just one quick note...
Be careful.
Because at the beginning of the story, you were in present tense, and now at the end of the story you switched into past tense. So, re-read the story and fix that up.
(I would do it for you... but one, its your story (=P) and two, I don't have time. =/)
It should be easy to pick up on, just re-read it and watch it. =D
Other than that, its really good. =D
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Thanks for pointing out those errors! I rely too much on MSword check spelling/grammar...and I wrote it in a rush at 1am to 4am while doing homework...Heh, excuses, nevermind them...Well,this really help me, thanks again.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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Okay, for today I will only review the first chapter because I am short for time. But this story really drew me in, I liked the fact you kept its fairy tale qualities.


It was a dark night. Gray clouds was floating on the sky, hid away the wavering new moon. Rain fell from the sky, murmured her song of sorrow.


Firstly, grey clouds was? I'm not sure if there is some effect you are going for here but I think you need to change it to "Gray clouds were" instead. Just simple grammar. Secondly "Murmured" should be "murmuring"

In one of the hovels in a slum of large town, a man is sitting in a dark corner of a room. His wife was giving birth to a child. He could hear she cried in the room behind him, with her mother taking care of her.


Just out of curiosity, what does hovels mean?

Letting out a sharp cry, his wife in the other room had the same thought, “This damned child is killing me! And I will have to feed this child with my hard earned money!? Will I have to steal more money for this wicked child? Maybe it’s better to get rid of this thing.” With another painful cry, she gave birth to a baby, and then lay still, breathed heavily.


I like this paragraph, this story is almost set in the style of a fairy tale book, I can't get enough of it.

Her mother gently picked the baby up, and said happily, “It is a girl!” The baby cried. Strangely, as she cried, the rain stopped, and the clouds on the sky suddenly cleared up, revealing the weak new moon. The dim moon light shone over the little child’s body, letting her skin to be seen clearly. It was white, a pale white, white as the waxing moon above.


I don't really get this. She was going to kill the baby now she's happy? Why the change of heart and if so, is it really relevant?

But the old woman stopped him, “No! It is your child! How can you do such an inhuman thing! And if she is really the curse of the gods, killing her will anger the gods! You, with your sins, have to redeem yourself by raising this child!” The man stopped, thought for a while then grumpily swore and walked away.


I don't think swearing is the right word for this. You give the impression of this being a past time, with the stories of gods, then you use such a modern pretext of swearing. i

Great start although I am confused at which time this is set in, try to add some more history in. Also i don't see this as a chapter, more a prologue
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

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Thanks for reviewing my story! Glad you like it! Now, here are some explaination:

Just out of curiosity, what does hovels mean?


Well, a hovel is “Small crude shelter used as a dwelling”, or in short, a very,very crappy house.

Quote:
Her mother gently picked the baby up, and said happily, “It is a girl!” The baby cried. Strangely, as she cried, the rain stopped, and the clouds on the sky suddenly cleared up, revealing the weak new moon. The dim moon light shone over the little child’s body, letting her skin to be seen clearly. It was white, a pale white, white as the waxing moon above.


I don't really get this. She was going to kill the baby now she's happy? Why the change of heart and if so, is it really relevant?


"Her mother" here means the woman's mother, and the baby's grand mother. I am sorry for the confusion, now that you have pointed out, it easily confused reader. I have edited it into "The woman's mother"

About the history of the story, I tried to left it out, so it can be more like a fairy tale. I haven't seen any fairy tale with a complete history O-o. But if you still want to know, then I will say that I imagined it in a medival setting.

And true, I think this part should be a prologue.

Thanks again for the review
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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this was amzing. you remind me of the way my friend used to write...minus the many grammatical errors, nice work!
~Livi
"My Mama used to tell me, 'lifes like a box of chocolates... you never know what your gonna get.'" -Forrest Gump




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Thanks! =D I know I fail at grammar, because I am not an english speaker, but I will try my best to fix it!
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa



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