The End

hi

Hi yumyums, I can see you're a new member, so welcome! Before I start, I want to say, you need to have 2 reviews for every story you post. It's our 2:1 ratio. So please make sure you get those reviews done!

Prom and m date is Matt, my best friend.

This sentence was kind of confusing to me. I'm not sure if it's a typo or what.

The carpet of the hall had a typical green pattern about it at the Hampton, and the walls were of beige.

The walls were of Beige? Sorry, but that's doesn't seem right to me. Try something like, they walls were a deep colour of beige. It's not so confusing that way.

The door swung open and the next thing I knew with a slam!

Once again, this sentence is kind of confusing. Do you mean the door was open, and then it slammed shut?

His tongue requested entry into my mouth and I obediently aloud it, His hot, lubricant muscle twirled and flickered inside.

I think you mean allowed. and do you mean to have a period after it? or was capitalising his a mistake?

What a good dream, too bad it had to end at the good part.

I think it would be good to put in a semicolon after dream.

Once I was doe I threw on some tight pants and a band tee over my thin, pale body.

I think you mean Once I was done, right? No matter.

Well, overall I liked this. It was very good. I hope you'll post some more. Sorry if I sounded so harsh.

*Lucy

Hey yumyums.

Let me first say I love your name. yumyums. it makes me giggle

I really liked this piece. Not just because it reminded me of my boyfriend for some reason, but I really like the description you used in the dream. It's wasn't tacky, like the majority of homosexual pieces I've read seem to be.

The only errors I picked up on were:

"His tongue requested entry into my mouth and I obediently aloud it"

I'm assuming you mean 'allowed'.

And:

"Once I was doe I threw on some tight pants and a band tee over my thin, pale body."

You most likely meant 'done'.

Simple typo's. Easy to do. Not a huge deal.

Well done overall. Being only fourteen I believe you have a giant amount of potential, and I would love to read what you write in the future.

All the best,
Ced

Prom and my date is Matt, who is also my best friend..

I nearly fell asleep of that it felt so good.

Running my hands through my dark shaggy emo hair I began to finish up.

I wish you didn't choose such a silly way to say that. You could've made it much better by saying "My dark, so-called by others "Edgey" hair."

Once I was done I threw on some tight pants and a band tee over my thin, pale body.

Again, what I have underlined I have found silly and stereotypical. You could have improved this by stating "I thew on a pair of pants which tightly hugged my legs, unlike what most teenage boys' wear, and a t-shirt of my favorite band over my lanky, hueless frame."

I had a few faint freckles on my nose and cheeks but they didn't bother me.

Simply useless.

Overall:
I know I am only a year older than you, but I feel that this piece comes off very immaturely because of your age. Using such stereotypical terms and actions makes the story give the reader a feeling of non-seriousness. I am bi, and I am glad you've written a piece like this, but altogether I feel that this has much potential, you just need a little help with it.

where's the story? what happened to it, i can't view it.