The White Rabbit's Misadventures in Wonderland

The White Rabbit's Misadventures in Wonderland
(A comic perspective of Alice in Wonderland)

I was on my way to the doctor’s to refill my medication that calmed my Panic Disorder. I checked my
watch; there was only five minutes before my appointment started. There was absolutely no way I
would make it there on time! I could feel panic overwhelming my body. The doctor was going to give
my time slot to someone else, and I wouldn’t get my medication! Then I may seize up with a heart
attack and die! I must get that medication. I took deep a breath, “I am going to be late.” I repeated
to myself, one hundred times to calm my nerves.


I began to hop a little faster. I crossed a riverbank where two girls sat; one of them was reading a
book and the other was looking around, seemingly bored. The second one turned around and spotted
me. For some bizarre reason, she seemed fascinated, like she’d never seen a frantic rabbit in a hurry
before. The girl stood up and started to walk in my direction. At first, I ignored her, thinking she would
go her own way after a while. I picked up my pace again to hurry to my doctor’s appointment.


After a few minutes, I looked over my shoulder; the girl was still following me. I began to feel a new
panic attack coming. So many paranoid thoughts rushed through my head, why was she following me?
Was she a stalker, a kidnapper or a serial killer? Was she planning to kill me, kidnap me, and even
eat me? What was she going to do? I became so frightened; I began to hop for my life, still muttering
to myself to keep my cool. I was looking for some way to escape the scary girl that was on my tail.
Luckily, I noticed an open door and ran to it as quickly as possible. As soon as I stepped inside, the
floor disappeared from underneath me. I was floating downwards gently, surrounded by curious
objects. I heard the door open above me, I looked up and there was the girl. She had followed me
through the door! I tried to, somehow, swim or paddle downwards.


When I finally landed on the floor, I looked around, worried of what I would find. The room was bare
beside the tiled floor, a small, wooden table and a strangely small door with a golden lock. I spotted a
key sitting beside a bottle and a cookie, labelled “Eat Me” and “Drink Me”, on the table. I hopped over
to grab the key, ignoring the food and ran for the door. I opened the door and squeezed through the
gap. I lock it behind me so the girl could not get through and began to look for a way out.


After running through the garden for several minutes I saw that a huge wave rushing straight towards
me. I could feel my inside freeze up with terror and I ran for my life. Despite my frantic running, I was
swept up by the wave with the other animals in the garden. The cold terror in my chest was screaming
at me to swim towards shore or I would drown. Looking behind me I could see the girl swimming
towards shore as well. More terror engulfed me and I paddled as quickly as possible to save my own
life. I wondered how in the world she had gotten through the locked door. When I reached shore I was
soaking wet. Ignoring that fact, I hid behind the bush to see where the girl would go; I needed to
escape the girl. I crouched behind the small bush and watched. The animals that had been swept away
by the wave begun to race around to dry themselves off and the girl handed out little treats to the winners.


I let my attention wander and I noticed my absolute favourite gloves floating away. I felt icy terror rise
in me again, I was soaking wet and without being covered up I would catch the influenza, there was a
30% chance of complications considering my medical history and then I would have a 23.6% chance of
dying. Furious at the loss of my gloves, I forgot my fear and I marched up to the girl demanding for
her to get my gloves. Surprised, she stuttered about how they were too far out in the water. I began
shouting at her to go get them immediately. She stared at me quietly, unsure of what to do. She
looked over my shoulder, turned around and ran away into the woods quite suddenly, I believe
because she refused to retrieve my gloves.


I watched her run off and sat down in despair at what to do. How was I to get out of this place? What
would happen to my doctor’s appointment? What about the girl? And my gloves! I felt a new panic
attack rising within me, but my exhaustion and despair smothered it. With a big sigh I looked up to
see a mouse looking at me, impatiently. I guessed that he had scared the girl away. Unaware of that,
he asked if I had the time. Looking up at the partially cloudy sky I judged that it was around 3 pm. He
looked at me, quite surprised and asked if how I could possibly tell time without a watch. I told him
that clockwork and time was my specialty. He told me that the Queen of Hearts would be interested in
my talents. I agreed to go with him to the Court of Hearts; I had nothing to lose anyways.


When I arrived, I was greeted by a large group of armed guards who took me up to the altar of the
throne. I bowed before the queen, and she declared me as her royal time-keeper. I was taken aback;
I was about to protest but, a ruckus interrupted me. The strange girl came in followed by a several
guards. A trial was announced against the girl. There I found that the girl's name was Alice.


Alice refused to hold her tongue and made comments on the ridiculousness of the court. Though I
agreed with her arguments, I chose to remain quiet. The Queen became irritated with Alice's
behaviour and started to shout “Off with her head!” Everyone ran out of the court chasing and shouting
at Alice, leaving me standing in the court, alone. I wandered through this mysterious world looking for
an exit. I was exhausted and only wished to go back home. Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks,
remembering my doctor’s appointment again. Gasping for breath, I felt myself fall faint upon the
ground. The blackness engulfed me, and seemed endless. I woke with a start, covered in cold
sweat. “It was just a dream” I whispered to myself 100 times before falling back into a restless sleep.



The End

Hi Kamas!

Dialogue: All dialogue should be in it's own paragraph. So, lines like these:

I took deep a breath, “I am going to be late.” I repeated to myself, one hundred times to calm my nerves.

Should be in their own paragraph. It would look like this (including the line above):

I must get that medication.

I took deep a breath, “I am going to be late.” I repeated to myself, one hundred times to calm my nerves.

The dialogue punctuation is also a bit off. Check out this article for some tips.

Showing vs. telling: I noticed a lot of telling in here, which, done wrong, can get boring. Check out this article for some tips.

Length: This is pretty short for a condensation of Alice in Wonderland. I'd like to see it longer, with more time devoted to each segment. A full rewrite of the story would be pretty cool to read!

Miscelanous: Some miselanous things I've noticed throughout:

my medication that calmed my Panic Disorder

Since "panic disorder" isn't the name of a certain illness, it should not be capitalized.

“It was just a dream” I whispered to myself 100 times before falling back into a restless sleep.

~ It's not a good idea to put numbers in prose. Unless the number would take a long time to type out normally (like 3,984,872), type it out. This should be "one hundred" or "a hundred"

~ The whole "one hundred times" thing is confusing me. Why does he tell himself things that number of times? Why does he count the number of times he's told himself something?

I hope these comments will help you. I had a very hard time reading this because of the line-breaks, so this review wasn't as detailed as it could have been. Still, I believe I've given you enough to improve your edited version. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Oh, Kamas, you are wonderful.

Hey there, June here, and I truly enjoyed this story.

I can't give a good review on this; I've been sitting here staring at this for the past 5 minutes, laughing occasionally at this. Wonderful, Kamas, wonderful.


I like that it was told in a storytelling voice rather than a showing voice; really added to the rabbit's paranoia. One could argue that you could stand to organize your ideas, but having everything in a rushed tone here really added to the rabbit's panic. Great job with that.

=] Nice work, Kamas. Keep it up!

Juniper

Alice in Wonderland has always been my favorite book. I also adored the Disney version of the film. I loved your parody. a bunch of people think that alice in wonderland is the authors acid trip. Lewis caroll was a MATHEMATICIAN IN THE 1800's! the never did drop acid. and a lot of people think that walt disney wrote it. Stupid blockheads. Thank you for this! i needed a laugh lol

I took deep a breath, “I am going to be late.” I repeated

to myself, one hundred times to calm my nerves.

You have an issue or two with punctuation here. The period at the end of your dialogue should be a comma, and where you placed a comma (I repeated to myself, one hundred times) sounds odd. I think you could make that "I repeated one hundred times to myself, to calm my nerves."

Also, you make it seem as though he's panicking about being late, but then you say he's telling himself "I'm going to be late" to calm himself down. How is that supposed to work? It goes against itself right there.

Was she planning to kill me, kidnap me, and even eat me?

I think that "and" should become an "or". In this case, that's what it really should be. Because kidnapping and killing are not related to eating, it should be "or".

So many paranoid thoughts rushed through my head, why was she following me?

Was she a stalker, a kidnapper or a serial killer? Was she planning to kill me, kidnap me, and even

eat me? What was she going to do?

Your first comma you use right after "head" should really be a semi- colon instead.

I tried to, somehow, swim or paddle downwards.

I find that both of your commas are unneeded in this line, dear. It seems as though, with the commas, it just makes it sounds like your rhythm is disrupted, and, with the commas, it sounds like you are trying to create a certain type of emphasis. I find that it seems more emphasized even without the commas.

She

looked over my shoulder, turned around and ran away into the woods quite suddenly, I believe

because she refused to retrieve my gloves.

This would be an oddly- worded run-on. I think your last comma, the one after "suddenly" should be a period, and nothing after that. Which means deleting" I believe because she refused to retrieve my gloves." That is just an opinionated way of stating the obvious, and it doesn't sound right.

I felt icy terror rise

in me again, I was soaking wet and without being covered up I would catch the influenza, there was a

30% chance of complications considering my medical history and then I would have a 23.6% chance of

dying.

Numbers should be written out, like "thirty percent" and "twenty- three point six percent" instead of 23.6 and 30. Also! Where do you get these calculations from? not to mention, these sentences don't actually work in propelling the story forward. For instance, why is he thinking this? I think these things need a little more explanation.

I watched her run off and sat down in despair at what to do.

You seem to be repeating one of your previous lines right here.

He told me that the Queen of Hearts would be interested in

my talents. I agreed to go with him to the Court of Hearts; I had nothing to lose anyways.

Starting here, there seems to be a problem. The rabbit was already the timekeeper to the Queen of Hearts. So, this goes against the actual story, and that's definitely not good. Not to mention, you're missing the whole scene with the croket! It's what made the queen say "off with her head".

Over- all stuff

Ok, also, in the beginning you start a lot of sentences with "I" and that can get repetitive. Also! I wanted to add. All dialogue needs to be in a new paragraph. Just letting you know, because it seems you have buried all the dialogue in the paragraphs themselves.
Another thing, you need to explain why the rabbit is thinking some things. Sometimes, we just don't get into that little rabbit's head well enough to see what he means by things. Be specific. Really get into it.

Well, I think that's it! Great job, though. I love Alice in Wonderland ^__^

~April

Kama! *runs and tackles kama* Hi!

I was on my way to the doctor’s to refill my medication that calmed my Panic Disorder.

Too many “my’s”! eek! My best recommendation is to get rid of the second ‘my’ (bolded) to help even things out.

I don’t really know what to say because most everyone has already devoured this pieces. Generally, I would freak out on you for just telling, but I like how you did it here. Showing in this situations would have been way too much of a story. The only thing I wish would have been brought up is that there isn’t any talk of the Cheshire Cat…the coolest Alice character of all.

Hi karmas my name is twilightgirl but people call me twigirl or v I like your story alot. It was written well. In the end you spelled behaviour when it's behavior. Other than that I thought was story was AWESOME. Keep writng

Hi Kamas! I really enjoyed your take on this.

The fresh perspective was a lot of fun to read, but you have several errors in form and style that distract from the originality of this piece. Rosey has already pointed out several, but here are a couple more specifics to give you a better idea of what I mean:

I could feel panic overwhelming my body. The doctor was going to give my time slot to someone else, and I wouldn’t get my medication! Then I may seize up with a heart attack and die! I must get that medication.

I'd like to see a more gradual build-up to the panic here. I think this could be really funny if the rabbit started out with a reasonable worry, then began thinking of increasingly unlikely, horrifying things that could happen.

i.e. "I could feel panic creeping up on me, starting slowly, like it always did. I was going to miss my appointment. The receptionist would give my time slot to someone who had arrived on time. I would try to reschedule, but the doctor would be booked through next March. I'd take the earliest available appointment, but then he'd move away. Then the pharmaceutical company that provided my medication would shut down, and the key mineral in making the medicine would be bought up by a small nation overseas, and they would burn it in protest and then none of my medicine would ever be able to be produced again - ever - for all of eternity and my heart was going to explode and I would be dead tomorrow."

I took deep a breath, “I am going to be late.” I repeated to myself, one hundred times to calm my nerves.

I never thought of the hare having obsessive-compulsive disorder, but that would be pretty friggin' hilarious. If he counted random things all thoughout that would be awesome.

For instance:

I began to hop a little faster.

"I began to hop a little faster than my usual pace of thirty-three bounds per minute."

I picked up my pace again to hurry to my doctor’s appointment.

"I picked up the pace to thirty-nine bounds per minute. Only nine hundred, sixty-seven bounds to go."

I let my attention wander and I noticed my absolute favourite gloves floating away. I felt icy terror rise in me again, I was soaking wet and without being covered up I would catch the influenza, there was a 30% chance of complications considering my medical history and then I would have a 23.6% chance of dying.

Love it.

Looking up at the partially cloudy sky I judged that it was around 3 pm. He looked at me, quite surprised and asked if how I could possibly tell time without a watch. I told him that clockwork and time was my specialty.

Just go all out; be absurdly specific.

ex: "Judging by the partially cloudy sky, I estimated that it was approximately 3:13 and 22 seconds in the afternoon, give or take a millisecond or so."

Overall, however, a fun piece to read. Don't rush through what could be really funny moments - give yourself time to be clever! You've got a lot of great ideas, so don't sacrifice them for the sake of having a shorter story.

Nice work.

I, my, me, I, my, me.... That's the only thing that I had wrong with this. I love the whole idea, I thought the storyline was great! But, I lost interest halfway through because you droned on with the I, my, me, thing. I swear you can do better than that! Great piece, I must admit. Good writings!