YWS Poem...

I really think it's great, I said.
As I posted my first, lone thread.
Fingers numb from clacking keys,
I really hope that someone sees,
my efforts large, to try and scribe,
a story that really seems alive.

Recline in my chair, the work is done!
the black and white treasure of finger and thumb.
I say to myself,"Time to rest, unwind"
A trip to the kitchen to pass the time.

On my return the smile is wiped clean,
tis the end of gold stared dreams.
The grammars wrong, nothings right,
my characters; lack creative might,
in my rage i send text back.
To fend from such a dark attack.

But to no avail, not one bit.
Everyone thinks my stories' shit.

Well don't you have an interesting view of the site, huh? I like your spirit and what I'm hoping is your sense of humour However, you've got a way to go yet before you can pull off something like this. A lot of members have tried to write YWS fan-fics whether they be prose or poetry (mine was a poem XD) and if you want yours to stand out, it has to be something special.

I'll start with a line by line and see if I can help you with what you have so far before I give you any general tips. It's always best to work with the knowledge you've got before you aim for something new so let's take a look...

I really think it's great, I said.
As I posted my first, lone thread. [Ah no, you can't have that full stop on the first line, surely you know not to break up a sentence so you're possibly doing this on purpose as a reflection of the bad grammar people claim you have but that doesn't work. It would be much more clever to write a poem about how people rip your work apart that no one could possibly tear to pieces. That would be awesome. So... suggestions. I think you need a more interesting beginning. Now, bubble-gum rhyming (one syllable rhymes) isn't great so try to mix it up a little and make your flow more natural. Also, cut the telling. Don't say you thought it was great, show us that you had pride in it. Maybe something along the lines of:
'Charged with ancient energy;
a triumph over adversary:'
True, it says nothing about posting a thread on an internet site but your first stanza and title imply that enough that it's a waste of words to actually say it. Instead, you have something a little more interesting but uh... only a little. I'm not doing your work for you so get your paper out and scribble ideas, see if you can come up with a cool metaphor to describe the awesomeness of your writing that means something to you. Even if it perhaps sounds odd. It would add a flair of personality.]
Fingers numb from clacking keys, [I like this line, it's simple but phonetic and smooth.]
I really hope that someone sees,
my efforts large, to try and scribe,
a story that really seems alive. [I don't like to see 'really' in poetry. Every word of a poem has to have been considered carefully, especially in one of structure where you're limited to how many you can use on each line. Really takes up space that much better words could have.]

Recline in my chair, the work is done!
the black and white treasure of finger and thumb.
I say to myself,"Time to rest, unwind"
A trip to the kitchen to pass the time. [It's alright but I'd like to see more originality. I like the second line, that's got a good feel. Try to replicate that spark in the rest.]

On my return the smile is wiped clean,
tis the end of gold starred dreams.
The grammars wrong, nothings right,
my characters; lack creative might,
in my rage i send text back.
To fend from such a dark attack. [Fix your grammar! I don't care if it's for affect, it's yucky...]

But to no avail, not one bit.
Everyone thinks my stories' shit. [I liked the ending, good humour, not quite what I expected. I'm used to these poems ending with expressions of thanks so that's something different.]

Next time: Try a different format. I know rhyming seems cool and it's a fun challenge to use a rhythm/ meter but you shouldn't be tackling formats until you can do the basics. The basis of poetry is beauty in words, it's metaphors and similes. It's clever witty little phrases, smart grammar that allows for an ambiguous line and basically an author's tool to poke fun at the reader and to provoke a battle of wits. The trouble with structure is, if you can't follow the other rules of poetry you lose its aim which is to replicate the same beauty of a free verse poem but in such a way that it has a pace as well. It's an extra stage of showing off, one that can't really be mastered until you have the others under your belt.

Then again, I wrote rhyming poetry without learning the other rules until I was about fifteen so maybe it's just a stage everyone has to go through. Still, I'd love to see you try another style. Let me know if you do and I'll promise not to tear so much?

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

I've given up trying to explain what I write, or defend it.

Poetry is allowed to be anything it wants, thats why its poetry.

Every time I post anything it gets shot down, read my record.

I've learnt to stop caring

Kitty I have to point out the irony here. 'For affect?' That's a grammar slip in itself, hahaha.

Now Arcaus 'm not gonna critique because you seem to dislike it, other than that you really force rhymes and the flow gets pretty choppy, common pitfall.

I am gonna say that if you dislike it when people pick your work apart, this site isn't for you! This site exists so that people can critique one another, and help.

I;m afraid that if you don't like being 'shot down' you need to either improve, or leave, because that's the exact point of this forum. Sorry.

Arcaus wrote:Poetry is allowed to be anything it wants, thats why its poetry.

No. You're completely wrong.

Listen to Kitty.

Arcaus wrote:Poetry is allowed to be anything it wants, thats why its poetry.

I'd agree, but there's a difference between poetry that's for the author and poetry that's for the reader.

I think Kitty made some great suggestions, but if you don't want to take them then that's cool, just as long as you keep writing.

Oh and, by the way, critique is a matter of opinion, so it should be taken as just that. Don't think you're a bad writer if your peices don't please everyone. Look at Dorothy Parker, continually rejected from the beginning, but my favorite poet ever.

You have potential, and the more you post, the more you learn. My only posting was rejected quiet blatantly, and it sucks, but I didn't write it for someone who wouldn't understand.

Just keep writing and don't be discouraged. (:

Kitty I have to point out the irony here. 'For affect?' That's a grammar slip in itself, hahaha.

XD Yeah... my bad, haha.

And Arcaus, you should never stop caring about your writing because it's an expression of who you are but you can't expect people to love everything you write.

Arcaus wrote:I've given up trying to explain what I write, or defend it.

Poetry is allowed to be anything it wants, thats why its poetry.

Every time I post anything it gets shot down, read my record.

I've learnt to stop caring

i totally understand you, its the same with me. i used to belong to another site.. and it was the same way...so i understand.

BUT on a good note, i like you poem. it was interesting.
Its nice to seee how another person sees things.


ALL in ALL i loved it.. keeep writiting.

I'm going to write somthing good, even if it kills me.

And if you don't like it then fine, i'll leave.

Then you won't have to deal with my inferior intellect anymore.