Deleted

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1390
Reviews 40
Everyone: For those who reviewed, it is greatly appreciated. But, I am no longer continuing this piece. Look for my new works in the later future!
Last edited by EllyMelly on Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1325
Reviews 9
This is really fantastic and I hope you keep writing, but I do have a few things to pick at.


There was a sweet aroma, full of spices and honey that filled the emptiness of my plain room.

There should probably be a comma after honey, this will make it a clause and make the snetence flow more smoothly.


the bright sunshine peering through my tan curtains, showing the earliness of the morning would tell me it was time

there should be a comma after morning

My only window, slammed shut

this makes me think that the window actually moved, perhaps 'securely fastened' would be more appropriate

For I loved to write novels

I personally think this is unnecessary. Some other words like this that start you sentences(like still and yet) could also be taken out.

And the horrifying villain who stole away the innocent maiden and who was eventually saved by the handsome and mysterious gentlemen.

this makes it sound like the villian is rescued. maybe replacing the 'and' with a comma would fix that.

Yes, you too. I'm perfectly fine

this character's quote should start a new paragraph and the 'too' should be 'two'

How it would be wonderful to be young again.

this is kind of awkward. a better way to phrase it might be'How wonderful it would be to be young again.'

Melly, my only sister and female companion in this small cottage.

the comma should be a was unless you wanted to say more about Melly.

baby blue muslin

this should be followed by dress or gown or whatever you prefere

worn out hands

this can just be 'worn'

town became sad and down

you could stop at sad, or replace sad and down with downtrodden

Mama was the spirit of this

because this story is in past tense already, 'had been' might be more clarifying than 'was'

The Hayes place

place should be capitalized if its included in the name of the place

As I barely spoke

you can take out the 'as'

as a last note, just make sure to keep Papa and Mamma captialized.

i love this piece so far, let me know if you put up anything else for it
"Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday"



I would always rather be happy than dignified.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre