In 24 Hours

Hi everyone! This is my first time ever sharing my work with someone, let alone a whole community. Moreover, I'm quite superstitious about sharing something I have not yet finished, but I really need some harsh reviews on this one, since I have so many doubts whether I should continue writing it or better start something else again...

Also, English is not my native language, so I would really appreciate if you told me whether you can feel it when reading my text or not?

Thank you in advance to everyone! *worried*

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Thursday, August 26th

It’s today. Today is the day when I’m supposed to return to the place I came from. The place most of us come from, but hardly anybody remembers what it is. Fortunately or not, I am one of those who remember. People are scared of death because they don’t know what it brings – is it and end or a new beginning? Nobody knows for sure. I do. And I’m afraid because I’m aware of the endless existence it brings… The endless existence, which makes it all meaningless.

My name is Sophia. 2 days ago I was absolutely positive about what each day will be like. And only yesterday, before I went to bed, it occurred to me that August 26th, 2008 is my last day on Earth.

6:26am

I open my eyes and peep out from under the blanket. I can only see my bare feet popping out from the blanket, enlightened by the rising sun. The only thing I can’t remember about the “after-life” is the sun. Is there any? Why do they make you forget this, I wonder. What do they care if I remember the sun? Or maybe there really is no such star if I can’t even recall it… No matter.

I can barely see anything else, since those long black curls on my head are covering everything and my bright blue eyes are not an exception. Throughout all the 23 years of my life I got used to people wondering how such a dark-haired girl could have such a deadly pale face and stunningly blue, huge eyes. Ha! Even my appearance is odd, let alone the fact that I now remember what happens when we die. Interesting, how it never came to mind that there’s no way that people with abnormal looks can lead a long and uneventful life. It seems so obvious now. Oh well, I never believed in destiny, anyway.

Finally, I realize that it’s no joke. It’s really my last day and I should do something. First of all, to figure out what is this something I should do. All my life I kept reading books and watching movies, which glorify life and urge us to live it at the fullest, as if each day might be the last one. How stupid is that? It can be compared to asking a person to believe he will die tomorrow, which is totally inhuman, since it’s completely normal and adequate to hope for a long (and happy) life, especially when you are young. This hope will threaten all your dreams, whispering to you “Hey, you can do it tomorrow! Tomorrow you will pack your things and go on a round-the-world trip. Tomorrow you will help all those starving kids in Africa. Tomorrow you will start going to the gym regularly and, of course, tomorrow you will finally bungee-jump. All that will happen tomorrow, so today you can sit calmly in front of your laptop in your cozy armchair and refresh Facebook every 5 minutes. Why bother?” And it does sound reasonable because what if you don’t die after you’ve done it all? How do you live then? You’ll just end up in absolute poverty, unemployed, friendless, abandoned, starving on the streets of New York or dying from thirst in some forgotten Asian desert. Doesn’t sound much like a dream life, does it? Now, on the other hand, when you know that you are dying, there’s nothing to stop you. You just stop caring. You know that it’s over anyway, so why care? For them it’s easy. For me it’s supposed to be easy now too, but it’s not. Still, the society should stop this live-life-at-the-fullest propaganda once and for all.

I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to make them stop. It’s my last day? Great. I’ll just lay in bed all The Day and do nothing.

Hello! I'm here to review. ^^

The place most of us come from, but hardly anybody remembers what it is.

The place most of us came from. But hardly anybody remembers what it is.

Fortunately or not, I am one of those who remember.

Fortunately - or not - I am one of those who remember.

Fortunately or not sounds strange so I took liberty with the punctuation.

People are scared of death because they don’t know what it brings – is it and end or a new beginning?

It seems random. And it should be a new paragraph. But try making the transition slower, more gradual. Maybe there is something about where she came from that reminds her of death?

Why do they make you forget this, I wonder.

I wondered why they make you forget about it.

Not this. And it sounds better if wonder is in front.

What do they care if I remember the sun?

...if I remembered the sun?

I can barely see anything else, since those long black curls on my head are covering everything and my bright blue eyes are not an exception

It's not normal for her to think of her hair as those long black curls...and bright blue eyes.

Try "...my hair covered everything and my eyes were not an exception."

You describe her in the next sentence anyway, so no need to tell us the color of her hair and eyes here. ^^

Even my appearance is odd, let alone the fact that I now remember what happens when we die

It's an awkward sentence. I'd reword it.

My appearance was odd, even more so the fact that I remember what happens when we die.

Interesting, how it never came to mind that there’s no way that people with abnormal looks can lead a long and uneventful life.

I don't get what you're trying to tell me with that sentence. She's going to lead a long and uneventful life? 23 years isn't a long time to live. >.<"

First of all, to figure out what is this something I should do.

First of all, I have to figure out what this something I should do is.

All my life I kept reading books and watching movies, which glorify life and urge us to live it at the fullest, as if each day might be the last one

No need for the commas. ^^



OVERALL:

Loved the ending. She decides not to live life to the fullest. xD

This is written in a stream of consciousness style and I think that it's pretty good for something written in that way, since I'm not a very big fan of stream of consciousness.

It's not very obvious that English isn't your first language. However it can be noticed in some awkward sentences. Apart from that, you're good to go.

Heya!
I loved your piece - more on the fact that it tackled DEATH. And DEATH was also my subject as I wrote my hopefully-to-be-a-novel story entitled Phantasm.

First thing first, English is not also my native language; I'm a Filipino. And I don't think you could feel it in your work - even English or British, themselves, are not "absolutely perfect" with the English language. They can also commit mistakes - mistakes like we do.

Even though I'm not really up to snuff in regards to the English language, I would like to share to you some knowledge I've got.


So, let's get critiqual! (what a word!)


Primarily, the first thing I noticed on your work was the tense agreement. You wrote in the Present tense, and I must say that you took a risk and you must stick with it. Most novel or prose would be better if were written in the Past tense. It could sound better and would be preferred much by readers in the genre fiction. You won't find it hard to publish your work also.

Present tense can give a kind of urgency to a narrative: We don't know what's going to happen next, everything is contingent, so it's very suspenseful. The fact is, present tense is suitable for one format and one format only: the Screenplay. If it is not a screenplay, use the Past Tense.

One thing to remember, you were about to tell a story that had happened days ago, so use past tense. Also, the next time you'll write, use the Past one to avoid confusion and mind you, it would simply be easier. For instance,


Secondly, here are some suggestions you could keep or just never mind:

It's today. Today is the day when I’m supposed to return to the place I came from. The place most of us come from, but hardly anybody remembers what it is.

Writing "today" and "place" all over again just beside the same word in a new sentence was a little bit redundant. But it wasn't wrong at all. Perhaps, it could just looked better if you wrote:

1. It's today, the day when I'm supposed to return to the place I COME from - the place most of us come from but hardly remembers.
2. Just remove "It's today" and start with the second sentence. "Today is the day when I'm supposed to return to the place I come from - the place most of us come from but hardly remembers"

Fortunately or not, I am one of those who remember. People are scared of death because they don’t know what it brings – is it and end or a new beginning? Nobody knows for sure. I do. And I’m afraid because I’m aware of the endless existence it brings… The endless existence, which makes it all meaningless.

The only correction in this part was the flow of the thoughts through the sentences...it was too compressed. Perhaps it could be better if you tried to stretched out:

Fortunately - or not - I am one of those who remember. (then start with a new paragraph)

People are scared of death because they don’t know what it brings – is it AN end or a new beginning? Nobody knows, for sure. But I do and I'm afraid...Because I'm aware of the endless existence it brings...The endless existence, which makes it all meaningless...

The only thing I can’t remember about the “after-life” is the sun. Is there any? Why do they make you forget this, I wonder. What do they care if I remember the sun? Or maybe there really is no such star if I can’t even recall it… No matter.

The only thing I don't remember about the so-called "after-life" is the sun, is there any?

"Why do they make you forget this," I thought, wondering, "Or maybe there really is no such star if I can't even recall it?" (Don't think I got what you meant...it was confusing)

No matter.



The next thing to point out was the second to the last paragraph. It seemed like a huge chunk! You must stretch it out with some punctuations and others.

Other mistakes were purely grammatically 'cause of the tense of verb you used. I must have repeated again that you used present tense so stick with it. I need not point them out, just try to revise your work into past tense...if it's alright?



ON THE TOTALITY:
You've got a nice start! This part could be used as a prologue to the novel you could, as well, produce with this.

Just next time...past tense ha!

Keep writing!

Hey there! Welcome abored [is that how you spell it?]!! Just so you know, your writting was great.
Using a past tense would be better in my opinion, though, but it was great regardless, I couldn't tell english wasn't you native languge.
I liked the idea, only now I really want to know if she's human at all, if she has family, friends...
other than that, what do you mean by saying she'll stop them, then lying in bed the whole time? it just doesn't make much sense.
I really liked it, it was awesome, and you did a wonderfull job. All the support and critisism [yes, yes, wrong spelling all around this comment, I'm aware] is very, very helpful, so don't hesitate, it also motivates your writting. If you need anything you can PM me, though I probobly know just as much as you do keep writting and post more!!!
ofir

Thanks a lot for reviewing my first real attempt to write something more or less serious. Special thanks go to Kara- I corrected most of the mistakes you pointed out.

About this one:

I don't get what you're trying to tell me with that sentence. She's going to lead a long and uneventful life? 23 years isn't a long time to live.

What I really meant is the opposite of how you understood it. Sophia has a rather strange appearance and that's why it's silly to hope for a long and uneventful life. Maybe you have some ideas how I could rephrase it to make it clearer?

Loved the ending.

It's the very beginning of the hole story, actually. More to come soon, I hope.


Also, a small "explanation" goes to nevermore and ofir. I didn't use the past tense on purpose, since the whole story is going to take place in different times - some Sophia's reflections on her life (which obviously have to and will be written in the past), some surreal events going on, etc., and also the events going on at the moment. So, basically, Sophia is thinking about them. I can't recall myself thinking about myself "in the past tense". Or maybe I don't understand what you meant...

Thanks to anyone else who has read this, but haven't reviewed, I hope it was enjoyable at some point.

this is good, i think you should stick with it.
Your english is very good considering it's not your first language.
I'd love to read more of it,, Pm me me when you have the next bit posted
xxxx

It’s today. Today is the day when I’m supposed to return to the place I came from.

This is a wonderful opening. Not too much is given away but enough is still revealed to gather up some interest.

Okay, I should say that well, that second to last paragraph is rather long and therefore hard to follow all the time. Break up the paragraphs a little bit and you’ll have a chance to dig deeper into the ideas presented here.

But really, I think the ending is wonderful because the idea is different. We all hope to live our last day to the fullest but you present the newest idea…doing nothing. And I have to appreciate this new view being given to us. Because all of the stuff they say about living life to the fullest is well, bull, because none of us know when we’re going to die…and personally, exasperating myself on my last day isn’t a top priority.

So yeah, congrats on the story and amazing work with the idea that you gave. It’s original and I really liked it.

*throws a sparkly gold star at you and hopes it doesn’t hurt you too badly*

~lilymoore

Very interesting. This story gives you a whole new point of view on the 'live life to the fullest' perspective that not a lot of people have seen before. It gives a whole new sense to this widely popular motivational phrase.