Mages

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Sat May 16, 2009 3:33 pm

Mage_Banks says... · Sat May 16, 2009 3:33 pm

Mages
Book 1: The Storm
By: Mage Banks
Hi, I am really in need of YWS! I’m writing this awesome story and I don’t think I started it off right. Can you please reply 2me what I should add or change in this short excerpt of chapter one? I thank all of you in advance. Please enjoy my story!!!!!!

Prologue
Sunlight flashed through the trees as the dark-haired boy ran, plunging wildly into the woods. Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots as he dashed boots as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash. It had recently rained and the woods smelled clean and crisp. 14-year-old Zachariah Foster ran as fast as he could. He turned toward an outcropping of rocks and leaped over a downed log, running hard, breathing steadily.
Zachariah turned sharply, his short jet-black hair in his face. Behind him numerous branches moved to and fro. A faint purple glowed in the forest.
“Oh, no” he whispered.
Several purple disks came flying through the trees.
Zachariah hit the ground and stared at the direction of the glow. He couldn’t waste anymore time, he pushed himself off the ground.
“I guess it’s now or never.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a beaded bracelet with a sparkly amber jewel on it. He watched as the purple glow grew closer.
He balled up his fists and concentrated on the earth around him. The earth around quivered underneath his feet. A bolder flew past him; Zachariah jumped on it and pulled it up into the air. It spiraled up into the sky; few bits of dirt fell from it. The amber jewel grew brighter and brighter through his fists.
“I guess it’s time to move again” said Zachariah flying into the fading sun. Back in the woods a cloaked figure touched the earth where Zachariah escaped from. Its long finger nails dug into the earth. A purple light glowed at its wrist.
“This is not over Zachariah” it whispered.
The figure turned around lifted its wrist; a small orb formed around its hand. It grew bigger and bigger until the figure vanished.

*Please rate my story 1-5. Also tell me how I can improve.

Mod: Name edited out for safety reasons.

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cheeb

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Points 240

Reviews 53

Sat May 16, 2009 4:08 pm

cheeb says... · Sat May 16, 2009 4:08 pm

Oh hai.
Two things I might point out first off:
1: It's probably not a wise idea to post your full name on here, for security reasons.
2: I notice you haven't made any reviews, according to your profile. The rules require that you make approximately two reviews for every story you post, so you'll want to make those as soon as possible.
[/pretending to be mod]

Now to the nitty gritty of it.

Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots as he dashed boots as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash.

Typo?

A boulder flew past him;

There were a few other grammatical/spelling issues that irked me (in case you haven't guessed, I'm quite retentive about that XD). I used to find that people preferred not to be critiqued on grammar and spelling (this is my first review in quite a while, eheh) but I'll expand this post to include it if you like.

I liked the intro generally, with the whole magic thing going down, and you were quite descriptive. The one thing that bugged me about that was that Zachariah kept talking to himself. It didn't really add anything in terms of explanation, and would he be saying these little "catchphrases" to himself in reality?

As for your rating, I'd give it a 3.5/5, mainly because of my retentiveness about grammar and spelling, and also that it was short so there wasn't much to review.

(I hope this was helpful. I haven't written a review in quite a while. XD)

the user formerly known as chibibo

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MeadowLark

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Points 7829

Reviews 239

Mon May 18, 2009 12:09 am

MeadowLark says... · Mon May 18, 2009 12:09 am

Heya there!

Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots as he dashed boots as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash.

Nix the bolded part.

It had recently rained and the woods smelled clean and crisp.

This, my friend, is rather telly. Show your reader how the woods smell. Maybe have your characters smell the fresh air. Show us the wetness of the grass and the trees.

14-year-old Zachariah Foster ran as fast as he could.

This is telly too but I wanted to point out that you should write "14-year-old" as "fourteen-year-old". Never use numbers in your work unless it is a rather large on

Now, I mentioned it was telly. Show us that he was running his fastest. Were his lungs ready to burst? What of his legs? Were they cramping? Was his mouth hanging open, gasping? Check out this Article to help with telly-ness.

“Oh, no” he whispered.

You forgot the comma after "no"

Zachariah hit the ground and stared at the direction of the glow.

What glow? You never mentioned any glowing thing before.

"I guess it’s time to move again” said Zachariah flying into the fading sun.

You need to place a comma after "again". Check out this Article to help you with the dialogue.

The figure turned around lifted its wrist; a small orb formed around its hand.

You don't need the semi-colon there. Just word it as: The figure turned around and lifted its arm, a small orb forming around its outstretched hand.

~~~~~

This is an interesting beginning. When I say interesting, I mean it fascinates me ^_^

Description~ You could use more of this. Describe the forest the MC is running through. The sights, smells, sounds, etc. Also, go into a little more description on his escape. It went by rather quick.

Characters~ Yes, this is just a prologue. But your MC needs more emotion. Needs more thoughts. Give him some more to make him more realistic.

Check into those two articles I posted and they'll defiantly help you out more than I can explain

I think I'll rate this as 3/5. It needs more description and with a little help you'll get up to a five!

If you have any questions PM me.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me
--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"

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*writewatiwant*

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Points 10701

Reviews 356

Sat May 23, 2009 3:16 pm

*writewatiwant* says... · Sat May 23, 2009 3:16 pm

Hi Mage! I'm Kat, as you probably know ^_^
So, onto your review!

Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots as he dashed boots as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash.

This line is a bit confusing. To many 'as'. Maybe try to brake it down. Something like: "Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots, as they dashed past towering maples, cherries and ash."

14-year-old Zachariah Foster ran as fast as he could.

Numbers under 21 should be written (fourteen).

He turned toward an outcropping of rocks and leaped over a downed log, running hard, breathing steadily.

'toward' should be 'towards'. Also, when a person runs much it's normal to start panting. So why is his breathing steadily?

Zachariah turned sharply, his short jet-black hair in his face. Behind him numerous branches moved to and fro. A faint purple glowed in the forest.

Should 'fro' be 'from'? A faint purple what? Light?

“Oh, no” he whispered.

Comma after 'no'.

The amber jewel grew brighter and brighter through his fists.

The repetition of brighter reminds me of fairy tales. It sounds childish.

“I guess it’s time to move again” said Zachariah flying into the fading sun.

Comma after 'again'. He sounds too calm for someone who just jumped on a disk and started flying!

Back in the woods a cloaked figure touched the earth where Zachariah escaped from. [...] “This is not over Zachariah” it whispered.

Comma after woods. Comma after Zachariah, on the second line.

Description and imagery:

It was not so bad. You had some description of his surroundings and even some emotion. But very small emotion. I couldn't feel anything. You should definitely try to improve on that. And some body language! And more! Ask yourself questions like, did the bright light hurt his eyes, or did he liked the smell of the woods?

Characters:
You're MC is nothing to pop out. I mean, he sounds cool and all, but what really makes him special?
He's fourteen, all alone of a forest, with glowing disks that fly! Shouldn't he be a bit scared?

Overall: I actually liked it. And I don't usually do action or anything! Nice :wink:

*Kat*

Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Sun May 24, 2009 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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collin

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Points 1040

Reviews 4

Sat May 23, 2009 7:11 pm

collin says... · Sat May 23, 2009 7:11 pm

I really only have one thing to comment on, other than that one typo sentence towards the beginning.

Could you describe this creature a little more? I had trouble figuring out what it was supposed to look like. I know that it has a purple robe and long fingernails, but can Zachariah see its face at all? If not, say so, "the creature's face was not visible from behind the shelter of it's cowl", if so, let us know what it looks like. What does the creature's body look like? Does it look like a human, or perhaps it looks entirely different from one? I get the feeling this thing is an important character in the story, so you might want to paint a little more vivid picture of it.

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yellowsun

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Points 890

Reviews 3

Mon May 25, 2009 5:42 am

yellowsun says... · Mon May 25, 2009 5:42 am

Looks like all your typos and mistakes have been pointed out.
Anyway, your story was short but you did a good job in describing.
I hope you write more.
i's give your story a 3.5

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Juniper

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Points 15394

Reviews 1464

Sun May 31, 2009 9:30 pm

Juniper says... · Sun May 31, 2009 9:30 pm

Hey Mage! June here! So sorry, it always takes me long to get to reviews.

One thing: YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, meaning that you should write two reviews before submitting one piece of yours. Please complete two reviews when you can. ^_^

Mattster and Meadow have given a pretty constructive review there-- pay attention to the things they've mentioned. It will help out in the long run.

• Ways you can improve

- Description. Be easy on it, but be thorough. You don't need a whole, long, whopping line to describe one thing; be moderate, but vary the length and style of your description.

- Detail. Be easy on it. Everything that happens doesn't need to be pointed out. For instance, if a man spied a paperclip on the street, it's useless to mention that unless he's going to use the paper clip for some sort of important task.

- When you give your readers words, give them necessary words. Don't give them anything that isn't relevant to the story or that doesn't move the story forward. Make sure that reading it is worth it.

- Compare your writing with real life>> ask yourself how you would feel in a certain situation and put your reactions in the character's place.

You've got some potential here, Mage. Keep writing. ^_^

June

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LordLoredaen

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Points 3003

Reviews 26

Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:26 pm

LordLoredaen says... · Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:26 pm

Intriguing story!! Can't wait to read more!! Though I did spot a few grammatical errours, such as lack of commas and word usage. But besides those couple of small errours it's a great sounding story (though for some reason it makes me think of something like Eragon meets Avatar meets Harry Potter).
As for the question of it being a good beginning... well, I think that you are starting the story off a bit too hastily. Most people find such a speedy introduction of a plot a bit confusing. Maybe if you started off a bit slower...
As for my rating, I'm going to give it a:
4/5
Hope to read more soon!! You have indeed caught my interest!!!!!! Keep up the good work!

Mo chreach, tha sibh 's math sin!! Slàinte mhath!!
Beannach Leibh

LordLoredaen

Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.

(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")

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Mage_Banks

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Points 1482

Reviews 19

Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:58 pm

Mage_Banks says... · Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:58 pm

May 20, 2009

Hello YWS,

I’ve hoped you have enjoyed mages! I also want to thank you for all of my replies; the good ones and some what bad ones. I have a special surprise for all of you. I searched the internet and found something great. Would you like to know how to make your own bracelet like Zach and Kevin? Well thanks to my friends at Cut Out + Keep Make and Share Step-by-Step Craft Tutorials I have figured out how to make a beaded bracelet. And guess what out of?
Play Doh! I know right, Play Doh we’ve all played with it. Go out and buy a couple of tubs and your other materials to make a cool bracelet. You’ll need to go to Wal-Mart or a craft store to buy your materials. Nothing is over $5! Come on lets begin making a bracelet.

Materials:
•Charm(s) (optional)
•Elastic Thread
•Toothpick
•Play Doh

Procedure:
Step 1- Take a piece of play-doh out of one of the tubs and start rolling it up into a ball. Do this with assorted colors of dough or just one color. Make as many balls as you like. (These are going to be your beads)

Step 2- After you finish creating the balls get your toothpick and gently drill it into the center of your ball. Make sure it goes all the way through. Do this to all of the balls you made. Guess what? You just made some beads.

Step 3- Then, let the play-doh beads dry for 24 hours.

Step 4- Once your beads are dry, take your string and begin putting your beads through. Add extras like plastic beads or charms if you like. They decided to add star charms.

Step 5- And last but not least, tie the ends of your bracelet together. Make sure it’s a secure knot. Then you’re good to go!

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TheEccentricScribe

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Points 890

Reviews 117

Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:29 pm

TheEccentricScribe says... · Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:29 pm

I will honestly say that this was a painless read. That is a pretty big compliment from me. I don't like the irksome feeling I get from bad prose, and I didn't get it here. I like your use of descriptive words, and the action is interesting, yet elusive, making the reader want to know more. Here's a couple of nitpicks.

Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots as he dashed boots as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash. It had recently rained and the woods smelled clean and crisp. 14-year-old Zachariah Foster ran as fast as he could.

There's some confusion in that first sentence. He dashed boots as he dashed past is muddled, and the use of "14" is not really appropriate for this kind of prose (generally the rule is it has to be 3 digits before it's numerical, but in this kind of prose even that is best avoided, unless it is a title, like Zach the 3rd or something).

Avoid cliches when possible. "I guess it's now or never" isn't the worst thing a character could say, but it definitely undercuts the dignity of your work. Maybe he is a cliche-loving character, in which case that's fine, but otherwise, I would avoid this kind of thing.

He balled up his fists and concentrated on the earth around him. The earth around quivered underneath his feet.

For stylistic reasons, using words repeatedly can oftentimes weaken the cadence of your prose. Sometimes repetition can be used successfully, but it's generally best to avoid. "The earth around" is repeated twice almost immediately; I would suggest editing that out.

Otherwise, it was a nice read. Keep going!

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Mentalist

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Points 2563

Reviews 8

Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:49 am

Mentalist says... · Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:49 am

Mage_Banks wrote:Mages
Book 1: The Storm
By: Mage Banks
Hi, I am really in need of YWS! I’m writing this awesome story and I don’t think I started it off right. Can you please reply 2me what I should add or change in this short excerpt of chapter one? I thank all of you in advance. Please enjoy my story!!!!!!

Prologue
Sunlight flashed through the trees as the dark-haired boy ran, plunging wildly into the woods. Good opening. Yellow, orange and red leaves crunched under his boots ~~as he dashed boots~~ as he dashed past towering maples, cherries, and ash. It had recently rained and the woods smelled clean and crisp. I feel like you just throwed this sentence in here for no real reason. 14-year-old I would spell out fourteen. Zachariah Foster ran as fast as he could. He turned toward an outcropping of rocks and leaped over a downed log, running hard, breathing steadily.
Zachariah turned sharply, his short jet-black hair in his face. Behind him numerous branches moved to and fro. A faint purple glowed in the forest.
“Oh,I don't think a comma is needed there. nocomma” he whispered.
Several purple disks came flying through the trees. I think you can show that better. It also seems kind of abrupt, but that may be what you're going for.
Zachariah hit the ground and stared at the direction of the glow. He couldn’t waste anymore time, he pushed himself off the ground. He did this, he did that.
“I guess it’s now or never.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a beaded bracelet with a sparkly amber jewel on it. He watched as the purple glow grew closer.
He balled up his fists and concentrated on the earth around him. The earth around quivered underneath his feet.Instead of saying, 'the earth around him' again, you can say, 'The ground beneath him quivered under his feet.' A bolder flew past him; Zachariah jumped on it and pulled it up into the air. It spiraled up into the sky; a(?) few bits of dirt fell from it. The amber jewel grew brighter and brighter through his fists.
“I guess it’s time to move again” said Zachariah flying into the fading sun. Back in the woods a cloaked figure touched the earth where Zachariah escaped from. Its long finger nails dug into the earth. A purple light glowed at its wrist.
“This is not over Zachariahcomma” it whispered.
The figure turned around lifted its wrist; a small orb formed around its hand. It grew bigger and bigger until the figure vanished.

*Please rate my story 1-5. Also tell me how I can improve.

Mod: Name edited out for safety reasons.

Hm, this was a pretty good opening. Just a few boring parts here and there and a a couple of dialogue issues. The dialogue seemed a bit flat, I'm not really sure how you can improve on that, though. I didn't find anything majorly wrong with it, and I rather liked it. I give this a four out of five, since you asked for a rating.

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captain.classy

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Points 49345

Reviews 547

Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:24 am

captain.classy says... · Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:24 am

Mage! I can't believe you set out directions for making the bracelet. You're mighty weird old friend!

I found a lot of mistakes, but they have been corrected already.
By the way, I think you should develop your characters more in this piece. I don't know what they look like!
And why haven't you posted any more of this? Geez man!
~Classy

Want more classy?

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