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Through the halls, I walk. This school has been my home for three years now. I've got nowhere to go; at least not without being abused; sexually, verbal or physicaly. I'm a mess wherever I go, so that's why I'm never accepted at any house. The days transform into nights, and that's when my history teacher refuges me in her classroom. Miss Coleman always leaves some food for me, a book, and a blanket for me to sleep on. She's the person I considered my mother all these years. Miss Coleman- well, Jackie, can't have kids, so I'm the only child of hers; that's why she cares for me, because she wants a child.

This is very blunt...
I wouldn't even call it a story at all. It feels very rushed and like you just wanted to be in a hurry to describe everything and get it all out of your head.
Slow down and make your characters more dimensional and give them LIFE and PERSONALITY.
It's no fun reading something so stiff and unflexible.

The first question that immediately comes to mind is why Ron is dating Elise at all. We get the sense that he might be using her - but why? Why doesn't he just date Ashley White instead, if that's what this unsympathetic, nasty jerk is into?

This comes across as more of a short sketch than a full piece of fiction - there's no dialogue. I don't think you need to have a line that says "my description of him" either. (Think back to published things you've read - if the author is describing something, you'll figure it out, so you don't need a line telling us so.)

You've obviously got a very clear picture of your characters and who they are, but I feel like you're not conveying that as much as you could. Giving us more background on how Ron and Elise's relationship was initiated as well how Elise reacted to it ending would make this more of a story and less of a short exposition. I think this will work as a really good jumping-off point for a longer piece of fiction. I really want to find out what happens!

Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker put people just call me dreamwalker or DW and I'll quickly review this work. It's a little too short for what I normally do with my critiques but I'll do my best to help .

Okay so here we go.

The problem: he's an egoistical, hypocrite, liar, jerk.

You should have 'and' after the last comma.

Ashley White, the one that every guy wants, because... of course! She's blond.

The ...'s are a little too much for this bit. You dont want to leave your reader lingering on something like that. Also, take the exclamation point out and put it after blond.

Also, the blond steriotype is not a very kind one. In fact, I myself am blond but not every guy wants me. Maybe add something like cheerleader after blond cause it's obviously a pretty steriotypical view.

I found him, today, with her on the gym.

Shouldn't it be 'in' the gym? Not on it?

Ron Anderson, a tall, muscular guy of seventeen.

This is a description so after Anderson, take away the comma and add was.

I don't see where his abilities of great kissing are, because I don't feel any different than when I'm standing alone on the rain, cold drops of rain freezing my lips to dehydration.

This sentence doesnt make much sense, and your imagery is sort of screwed up. A good example of fixing this maybe would be:

"I don't really see how people could think he's such a great kisser cause I dont feel any different kissing him then I would standing alone in the rain, cold droplets freezing my lips to degydration."

Always thinking and talking about himself, never telling his friends how smart, beautiful, and great I am.

Okay so she says she is a nerd and then she gets mad cause he's not telling his friends how smart and beautiful she is? Thats not a very good trait to have and I could honestly see why he wouldn't want to be with her if she's like that.

The roads are wet, and I drive slowly on my Nissan to school.

You keep screwing up the word 'in'. You might want to fix that up.

Overall

I dont really quite know how I feel about this piece. So far this guy just feels like a jerk but the girl seems to be all icing and no cake if you know what I mean. It's very bland and nothing I haven't seen before. Try doing something a little less steriotypical. Maybe give your character some interesting thought processes or I dont know. Just change things up a bit.

Also you need to work on your descriptions. They are kind of static. You need to make sure you 'in's' are in's and not on's. Oh and there isnt much of a setting in here.

Thats all!

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker

Hi! My name is Diane, nice to meet you!

Let's get started.

You really shouldn't start a story with the word 'My'.

My life's not perfect at all.

You could write something like, "Life isn't perfect at all, especially mine."

The problem: he's an egoistical, hypocrite, liar, jerk.

It should be "egoistic, hypocritical, lying jerk."

I found him, today, with her on the gym.

It could be written better. "Today in the gym, I found him...with her."

There are some sentences that don't really make sense, but other than that, this is a good start. I especially like the description you made of her. She is a very independent character and she knows it. If you continue to write I'll continue to read.
diaNe

OK, everyone calm down...
-First of all, thanks for the reviews. I'm not trying to deny that I'm a bad writer, because I am a bad writer, but that's why I'm here... to learn.
-And, second, for me it'll be better if I start from the beginning, so this concept will be changed in a matter of time... all of it!

Thanks again for the reviews...

Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!





Through the halls, I walk. This school has been my home for three years now. I've got nowhere to go; at least not without being abused; sexually, verbal or physical(y). I'm a mess whether(wherever?) I go, so that's why I'm never accepted at any house. The days transform in(into?) nights, and that's when my history teacher refuges me in her classroom. Miss Coleman always leaves some food for me, a book, and a blanket for me to sleep(on?). She's the person I consider(d) my mother all these years. Miss Coleman- well, Jackie, can't have kids, so I'm the only child of hers; that's why she cares for me, because she wants a child.

Well that is it my dearies. Oh! and second I think you should try to describe your character more, i don't know if you were getting to that, but I still think you should be a little more descriptive.