Empty Stare

*revised

rhythm is kinda messy. hoping to get more reviews!

EMPTY STARE

Heavy, bulged eyes,
overlooking his.
It's no surprise,
he won't give me a kiss.

I screamed, I wailed;
but with no success.
Not a word of comfort,
I'm a drunken mess.

I need the warmth,
of his loving embrace,
and that genteel expression,
on his charming face.

Threw away all our hopes,
or at least I lost mine.
Till we're back together,
I'll never be fine.

Nothing but an empty stare,
and the sound of his last breath.
Our love will never falter,
even after death.

Hey, I'm Eimear. Pleased to meet you.

Someone who rhymes! *High fives* I often write rhyming poetry. It's pretty hard to get right, so I salute you. Usually people warn against it, but it can be fun to do. Anyway, onto your poem. The subject issue was pretty straight foward, and so was the execution. It made for a pretty decent attempt at poetry. Not great, but alright.

The real aim should be to show emotion. Showing gets hard when you use clichéd expressions. The first stanza didn't leave much of a taste with me, probably because I've read it all before.

My tear drenched eyes,

overlooking his.

It's no surprise,

he won't give me a kiss.

The rhyme was basic- 'eyes' and 'surprise' has been used a thousand times before. I think you became a slave to the rhyme scheme after a while and it got in the way. Try near rhymes if it gets on top of you. 'Tear drenched' could have been displayed better, too. Think about what it really looks like when you've been crying. Is your breath caught? Are you eyelashes all sticky like wet spider webs after it's been raining? Just pushing it a little further really pays off.

This stanza was a little better. I liked it.

I screamed, I wailed;

but with no success.

Not a word of comfort,

he's made me a mess.

Only thing was the last line. Could you have used an image to present you as a 'mess?' When someone's hurting, they tend to revert into themselves, or stop eating or washing, or do stuff out of the ordinary. Think about it.

and that genteel expression,

from his charming face.

Should this be

'On his charming face?'

Just a suggestion! I liked that rhyme though!

Threw away all our hopes,

or at least I lost mine.

Till we're back together,

I'll never be fine.

The last line is pretty weak. I'd revise it.

Nothing but an empty stare,

and the sound of his last breath.

Our love will never falter,

even after death.

I only got the real message at the end! So...he's dead? If so, well played. I'm pretty slow at getting things. The 'empty stare' thing could be used either way- like he was uncaring and disinterested, or in the sense I think you used- that he's gone. Very well presented.

All in all, it's a solid piece. Just needs a bit of tidying up.

Keep writing!

Eimear.

Hi Eimear! Thanks for the review. One of the best reviews I ever had. I love rhymes and yes, it's a lot of fun but it's definitely hard to maintain a "not-cheesy" factor. Also, words come out a little bit too plain [like you said, the execution] and emotion isn't always there. Thanks for pointing out the cliched expressions... something i really have to work on.

You're right! "On" instead of "from"!

Anyway, yes. The guy's supposed to be dead. That's exactly the illusion I wanted people to have - that the guy's losing interest, that way the ending has more impact. Thanks again! I'm definitely going to follow your advice with things.

Here is your second review! Always a pleasure!

bailecielo wrote:
EMPTY STARE

Heavy, bulged eyes,
overlooking his.
It's no surprise,
he won't give me a kiss.

Compared to the rest of your poem, the rhyme is waay off. Most of it follows an ABCB rhyme scheme, but this one is ABAB. As already mentioned ' surprise' is over used to rhyme with 'eyes'. Maybe you could rewrite or rephrase that line so it doesn't rhyme at all, and then it would follow the pattern? Just a suggestion of course

Threw away all our hopes,
or at least I lost mine.
Till we're back together,
I'll never be fine.

I think there should be a ' mark before Till, but I'm not 100% sure on that (so you might want to see if someone else agrees first).

Nothing but an empty stare,
and the sound of his last breath.
Our love will never falter,
even after death.

I love the way you brought the poem together and make 'an empty stare' have different meanings, as already noted upon.

Emotion
This poem was good, but it took me a while to figure out what I thought was a bit off was. I decided that it was the emotion. In the poem, it says that you (or the narrator I guess) was feeling all these things. However, the poem didn't make you actually feel these emotions. Do you see what I'm saying? I really hope you do, because I'm terrible at describing this sort of thing.

I think you could solve this problem by writing about the effects things had on you. How are you not fine? Are you locking yourself in the room for hours? Those sort of things.
Overall, it was still a good poem, I liked the ending.
~MV