Long Live the Car Crash Hearts

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Maya and Parker
Painting sets for the drama club wasn’t exactly the most exciting thing Maya had ever done. Her mother decided she needed to be more involved in her school, so her she was, kneeling in the middle of a hallway, trying to get the sting of paint fumes out of her nose. Her kneecaps throbbed from balancing on them for so long. A piece of stubborn hair refused to stay in place, constantly falling into her eye each time she slicked it back. Forest green paint decorated her jeans, right arm, and nose, though she wasn’t sure how that happened. She was just thinking how horrible she must look when he came up to her.
Parker, a senior, was the lead in the school play. He wasn’t like the stereotypical drama club boy at all. Maya thought he looked more like a soccer player than someone who spent his time memorizing soliloquies. In other words, he was the obsession of all the drama girls.
“That’s pretty nice,” he said, surveying her work.
“It’s a tree,” she replied in her best oh-it’s-nothing voice. She couldn’t help but take notice of the way his hazel eyes sparkled when they caught the light.
“Yeah, but still. It’s pretty nice,” he repeated before walking away.
Even from that simple exchange, Maya was hooked. She never expected Parker to talk to her. The word around school was the actors ignored the crew entirely. They were hotheaded, conceded jerks that were nasty to everyone but the director. But Parker wasn’t like that. As soon as she got home, Maya tossed her homework aside and hopped on the computer to check out his Facebook page. She found out he was into indie music, never missed an episode of CSI, and, most important, that he was currently single.
After a little digging over the next few days, Maya found out where and when some of his classes were. She figured out that if she took the long way to science, she might be able to see him if she walked at the right pace. The day after formulating her plan, she put it into action. She timed it out perfectly.
“Hey, it’s the tree painter!” his smooth voice came from behind her. “I didn’t know you went this way.” They readjusted so that they were walking right next to one another.
“Yeah, I guess you’ve just never noticed me before. And it’s Maya, by the way.”
“Okay, Maya. Hey, you like Silversun Pickups?” he asked, referencing the shirt she had bought specifically for the occasion.
“Mm-hm. They’re one of my favorites.” She couldn’t stand Silversun Pickups. “Well, I go this way. See you later.”
“Yeah, see you around.”
Maya’s heart didn’t slow to its normal pace until halfway through biology. His last words echoed in her mind as she pictured his remarkably white smile and the way his hair stuck up to one side in the back. Does he smile at everyone like that, or was it just for me? she wondered. It might have been all in her head, hope and jitters clouding reality. It might turn into something more, or it might always be a crush. Either way, she planned on enjoying it while it lasted.

Logan and Ashley
Logan checked the movie listings for the thirteenth time in three days. He was finally taking Ashley out this Friday. The only problem was that he felt an immense amount of pressure to make the date special. The two had talked everyday since they met in English class a few weeks ago. He needed the perfect movie. The horror genre was completely out. The last thing he needed was for Ashley to feel uncomfortable. First dates were awkward enough without your date being scared. Chick flicks were out of the question as well. Not only did he feel strange watching them, but Logan’s sister had told him they give girls high expectations for what guys should be like. He prided himself and being a pretty nice guy, but he was no Jack Dawson. Logan needed something funny, something to make them laugh and keep the vibe from getting strained. Nothing stupid funny though. He didn’t want Ashley thinking he was immature.
Taking a deep breath and pushing the air out slowly, Logan leaned back in his desk chair. He rolled himself over to the window. Something scared a bird and it darted out of a tree, causing a crispy brown leaf to float to the ground. He had three days left to decide. Why had he asked her to the movies? He should have checked the listings beforehand. That way he would have seen there was absolutely nothing good playing and asked her bowling or something.
Staring out his window would not help him solve his problem. Why was he wasting his energy trying to find something that clearly was not there? There was still plenty of time left. There was no reason he couldn’t call her and change their plans. Grabbing his cell phone off his desk, he punched in her number. It rang twice before she picked up.
“Hey, Logan,” she said, replacing the usual ‘hello’ of answering the phone.
“Hi, Ashley. So, I was thinking about Friday night.”
“Uh-oh. Are we still on?” Her voice had gotten smaller.
“Yeah, of course. I just don’t think the movies is the best idea. I mean, it’s so overdone.”
“Oh, okay. So what did you have in mind as a replacement?” He could hear the smile reenter her voice.
“Oh, yeah. I probably should have come up with something before calling you. Hmm… Well, do you want to grab something to eat downtown and then go for a walk around there or something?”
“Yeah that sounds good. I’ll meet you at the gift shop where they take your picture and make it all crazy.” He heard the snap of a marker cap, like she was changing the plans on her calendar.
“Okay, that works. See you in English tomorrow.” He hung up the phone, glad to have that dilemma solved. A moment later he grabbed his jacket, scribbled a note to his mother, and left the house. Now he needed to scope out the perfect place to eat.

Penny and Joe
“Do you want some McDonalds while we’re out?”
“Joe, keep your eyes on the road!” Penny screeched, pressing herself against her seat.
“Jeez, all I did was look at you for half a second! Calm down.” He shook his head, focusing on driving again.
“Do not tell me to calm down, Joseph. I do not need to calm down. Gosh, it makes me so angry when people tell me to calm down when I don’t need to calm down,” she said in one breath.
“Well, clearly you do. I’ve had my license for a while now and I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you telling me how to drive.”
“Well clearly you do,” Penny said, mimicking his tone. “And it is not my fault I’m not old enough to have my license yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know that it isn’t safe to drive without watching where you’re going.” She pressed the button that lowered her window. Crisp November air entered the car, but did nothing to cool the heated air between the young couple.
“Why are you getting so worked up about this?” Joe asked, doing nothing to hide the annoyance in his voice.
“I don’t know, Joseph. Maybe if we went out yesterday like we were supposed to we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” Penny folded her arms tightly across her stomach and stared out the window. She could have sworn everyone on the streets were coupled up which, at this moment, sickened her.
“’Kay, first off? Stop calling me ‘Joseph’. And I told you, work called last minute asking me to come in.”
“You should have told them that you were meeting your girlfriend in twenty minutes and that they would have to find somebody else.”
“But there was nobody else! And you know I need the money. Gas does not magically appear in the tank, and the car did not just show up in my yard one day.” Joe had redirected his course from heading to McDonalds to bringing Penny home. “It would be a lot easier to pay for if I didn’t have to waste my money on a whiny girlfriend,” he muttered after a moment.
“Oh, and what is that supposed to mean, Jo-seph?” she asked, stressing the name.
“It means get out of my car, Penny Gertrude,” he answered, using her middle name, which she despised with every cell in her body. Penny stepped out of the car, threw him one last hateful look, and slammed the door shut as hard as she could. As soon as he felt the door close, he stepped on the gas and drove away faster than he should have.


Josh and Emily
Tying his left shoe, Josh could tell everything was going to go right tonight. Exactly three hundred sixty-five days ago, he took Emily out for the first time. They went mini-golfing and grabbed a pretzel from the snack bar after. Emily won all three rounds and he had only let her win one. Straightening his tie in the mirror one last time, he shut off the lights in his room and walked out to his car.
He had told Emily to dress up so she would think they were going to a fancy restaurant or something. In reality, he was taking her back to the mini-golf place so they could do everything they did on their first date. He had spent plenty of time trying to figure out what to do on their anniversary, and had considered going the conventional route. But that wasn’t who they were. They were always doing crazy things.
Josh felt a knot tightening in his stomach as he traveled the walkway up to her door. He knew it was a risk to make her think they were doing something lavish and end up taking her mini-golfing with a bunch of middle schoolers running around. But something told him she would like this even better.
“Is that you Josh?” Emily asked as she opened the door. “It can’t be Josh. It is exactly seven. Josh is never on time,” she teased. He took in her outfit as she shut the door and joined him on the walk back to the car. Emily wore a fluttery deep purple skirt with black butterflies paired with a black blouse. She had curled her hair—something Josh knew took her hours to do because her natural texture was pin straight and fussy. “So where are we going?” she asked, slipping into the passenger seat.
“I told you, it’s a secret,” he smiled. Emily played with the radio stations as he drove, getting bored with songs halfway through.
“Hey, I know this place,” she said half an hour later. They were quickly approaching their destination. “Are we going where I think we’re going?” A huge smile had taken over her face.
Josh smiled back, mostly because he was relieved Emily wasn’t mad. “That depends on where you think we’re going.” Five minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of the mini-golf place. They stood in line to get their clubs and pay for the games with the rest of the crowd, who were dressed in jeans and hoodies. Although they looked like they were headed for the opera, Emily and Josh much preferred their long-awaited rematch.

Carly
“I just don’t think this is going to work anymore,” he had begun. “Goodbye, Carly,” it had ended.
She sat up against her headboard with pillows for support, still under the covers. Her room was dark, having shut the door and drawn the shades. The only light was from her TV, playing The Notebook for the second time in three days. There were only so many DVD’s in her room to choose from, half of which were not appropriate for her current state, and she certainly was not going into the living room to get more.
Carly was taking her time enjoying the pint of Chocolate Therapy Ben & Jerry’s ice cream her best friend Amanda had dropped off. She had left Phish Food, Chunky Monkey, and Cake Batter in the freezer. Her hand had numbed from holding the frigid container for so long. She made a face when she noticed she could see the bottom of the container on one side. As a result, she put even smaller amounts on the spoon to make it last longer. She rested the rich chocolate in her mouth, letting it melt before swallowing it, feeling the cool liquid slip down her throat. Her stomach started to ache, but she paid no attention to it. Despite her best efforts to concentrate on Ryan Gosling’s offbeat smile, Carly replayed the conversation over and over again, searching for some hidden meaning or answer.
They had dated for eight months, not counting the weeks when they were ‘just talking’. The least he could do was tell her why it was over. But he didn’t. When she asked him, all he would say was that things weren’t the same, and that it wasn’t working anymore. She wracked her brain, searching for the moment when it all went wrong. She couldn’t find it. She didn’t even know anything was wrong until he pulled her aside after school. The movie ended fifteen minutes before she realized it, being so lost in her thoughts.
Luckily it was vacation week, so she didn’t have to worry about facing anyone at school. She couldn’t even leave her room at the moment, let alone make herself presentable for her classmates. Carly pushed back the covers and with a great deal of effort managed to get up and walk over to her DVD player to pop in 27 Dresses. Scooping up the melted chocolate in the ice cream container, she sighed. Carly knew she couldn’t do this forever. And she probably would never find out why he broke it off. But she wasn’t ready to accept that yet. Instead, she got back under her covers and pressed play. If she couldn’t be in a relationship with a great guy anymore, then at least she could watch someone who was.
Who did the jedi mind trick on you women when it comes to capri pants? *waves hand* You want a piece of clothing that makes your ass look wider, your legs shorter, and your feet bigger.
-Christopher Titus




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Hi Alyssa! It's nice to see you. Even though I've never met you, It's still nice to see you! :D
Anyways, I'm Becca or doodle, whichever you prefer.

Int-er-esting start to your story! Okay so some nitpicks and then my overall comments:

“It’s a tree,” she replied in her best oh-it’s-nothing voice. She couldn’t help but take notice of the way his hazel eyes sparkled when they caught the light.

I would like to know a little bit of what he looks like, not just his eyes.

The word around school was the actors ignored the crew entirely.

I thought the actors built the crew, too. I'm not sure, but in my school the actors also help do the building, so I was a wee bitty confused here. Then again, there's like, nobody in drama at our school so that's probably why the actors had to help build the set.

She found out he was into indie music, never missed an episode of CSI, and, most important, that he was currently single.

Wow, stalker much? O.o Just kidding. I've done worse. It involves a dumpster and a tiny piece of paper. I wish not to go into details.

After a little digging over the next few days, Maya found out where and when some of his classes were. She figured out that if she took the long way to science, she might be able to see him if she walked at the right pace. The day after formulating her plan, she put it into action. She timed it out perfectly.

Wow. Never really heard of people actually doing that before but okay! Now I have! Kind of.

“Mm-hm. They’re one of my favorites.” She couldn’t stand Silversun Pickups. “Well, I go this way. See you later.”

I have no clue what Silversun Pickups are but I'm guessing it's a band... but you could maybe put "They're on of my favorite bands." Or whatever Silversun Pickups is/are.

Does he smile at everyone like that, or was it just for me? she wondered.

Put thoughts in italics.

He rolled himself over to the window.

For a minute, I thought he rolled out the window. Scared me, xD.

“Joe, keep your eyes on the road!” Penny screeched, pressing herself against her seat.

“Jeez, all I did was look at you for half a second! Calm down.” He shook his head, focusing on driving again.

“Do not tell me to calm down, Joseph. I do not need to calm down. Gosh, it makes me so angry when people tell me to calm down when I don’t need to calm down,” she said in one breath.

“Well, clearly you do. I’ve had my license for a while now and I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you telling me how to drive.”



They remind me of a couple of old people fighting. XDD That's okay, though. It's funny.

“I don’t know, Joseph. Maybe if we went out yesterday like we were supposed to we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

Comma after to.

As soon as he felt the door close, he stepped on the gas and drove away faster than he should have.

He felt the door close? I'm sure he would have heard it and saw it, too!

He had told Emily to dress up so she would think they were going to a fancy restaurant or something. In reality, he was taking her back to the mini-golf place so they could do everything they did on their first date.

Cute!

Overall;
It was interesting. I hope you are going to write more!

There wasn't much wrong with it. Very interesting.... I liked it! I would love to read more of their stories... if you write more PM me!

Best of luck,
Becca




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Hiya, there, I have decided to review your work for today!! :D First off I will go through the whole thing, making [comments/suggestions] and/or edits or extra addings-in, then I will go through the review with you at the end. So, I haven't read the above view, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything and I really hope this will help you out... (:

AlyssaKyle wrote:Maya and Parker
Painting sets for the drama club wasn’t exactly the most exciting thing Maya had ever done. Her mother decided she needed to be more involved in her school, so her she was, kneeling in the middle of a hallway, trying to get the sting of paint fumes out of her nose. [Good way to start this (: ] Her kneecaps throbbed from balancing [that doesn't seem to work, maybe: placing all her pressure instead - what do you think?] on them for so long. A piece of stubborn hair refused to stay in place, constantly falling into her eye each time she slicked it back [nice bit of imagery and extra information used here, great job =D]. Forest green paint decorated her jeans, right arm, and nose, [love it!] though she wasn’t sure how that happened. She was just thinking how horrible she must look when he came up to her.
Parker, a senior, was the lead in the school play. He wasn’t like the stereotypical drama club boy [which would be what? Try and provide a 'stereotypical drama club boy' image to compare Parker's actual image to] at all. Maya thought he looked more like a soccer player [how? Again, add in some imagery - this can be tied in with what I said before about providing a stereotypical imagery to compare him to]than someone who spent his time memorizing soliloquies. In other words, he was the obsession of all the drama girls.
“That’s pretty nice,” he said [facial expression?Body language? Is your MC looking at him or at what she's painting...?], surveying her work.
“It’s a tree,” she replied in her best oh-it’s-nothing voice. She couldn’t help but take notice of the way his hazel eyes sparkled when they caught the light.
“Yeah, but still. It’s pretty nice,” he repeated before walking away.
Even from that simple exchange, Maya was hooked. She never expected Parker to talk to her. The word around school was the actors ignored the crew entirely. They were hotheaded, conceded jerks that were nasty to everyone but the director. But Parker wasn’t like that. As soon as she got home, Maya tossed her homework aside and hopped on the computer to check out his Facebook [maybe that should be in italics? I don't know, what do you think?] page. She found out he was into indie music, never missed an episode of CSI [italics], and, most important, that he was currently single. [MC emotions to all these facts, especially the last. Did her mind linger on that little piece of information, did she start imagining hot-headed dreams of tomorrow's drama club where he'd ask her out on a date and they would be in love forever (a little melodramatic, but you know what I mean, lol =P)... Fill us in - make this all a little more personal to you MC, maybe even add in some info on her dating history...?]
After a little digging over the next few days, Maya found out where and when some of his classes were [what caused her to do this - again more thoughts and emotions (: ]. She figured out that if she took the long way to science, she might be able to see him if she walked at the right pace. The day after formulating her plan, she put it into action. She timed it out perfectly.
“Hey, it’s the tree painter!” his smooth voice came from behind her. “I didn’t know you went this way.” They readjusted [what do you mean by this? Try and make it a little clearer]so that they were walking right next to one another.
“Yeah, I guess you’ve just never noticed me before. And it’s Maya, by the way.”
“Okay, Maya. Hey, you like Silversun Pickups?” he asked, referencing the shirt she had bought specifically for the occasion.
“Mm-hm. They’re one of my favorites.” She couldn’t stand Silversun Pickups [are they some kind of band? And brilliant, your adding in some thoughts, make this situation a lot more personal to the MC (: ]. “Well, I go this way. See you later.”[Who said this, what gesture was used to point at what scenery... The same as the speech below - try and describe a bit more]
“Yeah, see you around.”
Maya’s heart didn’t slow to its normal pace until halfway through biology. His last words echoed in her mind as she pictured his remarkably white smile and the way his hair stuck up to one side in the back. Does he smile at everyone like that, or was it just for me? [Italics for thoughts, and this paragraph is brilliant - I'm getting a lot more from the MC, which is great!!] she wondered. It might have been all in her head, hope and jitters clouding reality. It might turn into something more, or it might always be a crush. Either way, she planned on enjoying it while it lasted. [Great place to end it =D]

Logan and Ashley
Logan checked the movie listings for the thirteenth time in three days. He was finally taking Ashley out this Friday. The only problem was that he felt an immense amount of pressure to make the date special. The two had talked everyday since they met in English class a few weeks ago. He needed the perfect movie. The horror genre was completely out. The last thing he needed was for Ashley to feel uncomfortable. First dates were awkward enough without your date being scared. Chick flicks were out of the question as well. Not only did he feel strange watching them, but Logan’s sister [here I think you need to put in Logan's sister's name, and then say that she's Logan's sister, as I think it will work out better and maybe add in her age? E.g.: but, *name*, Logan's sister, had told him... Yes? (: ] had told him they give girls high expectations for what guys should be like. He prided himself [why and how? I would either nix this, or add it in without using the 'and' and separating it completely from the rest of the sentence, as it reads slightly awkward] and being a pretty nice guy, but he was no Jack Dawson. Logan needed something funny, something to make them laugh and keep the vibe from getting strained. Nothing stupid funny though. He didn’t want Ashley thinking he was immature.
Taking a deep breath and pushing the air out slowly, Logan leaned back in his desk chair [where is he?]. He rolled himself over to the window. Something scared a bird and it darted out of a tree, causing a crispy brown leaf [love it!!] to float to the ground.

[New paragraph >>]He had three days left to decide. Why had he asked her to the movies? He should have checked the listings beforehand. That way he would have seen there was absolutely nothing good playing and asked her to go bowling or something instead.
Staring out his window would not help him solve his problem. Why was he wasting his energy trying to find something that clearly was not there? There was still plenty of time left. There was no reason he couldn’t call her and change their plans. Grabbing his cell phone off his desk, he punched in her number. It rang twice before she picked up.
“Hey, Logan,” she said, replacing the usual ‘hello’ of answering the phone.
“Hi, Ashley. So, I was thinking about Friday night.” [tone of voice used, facial expression, thoughts...]
“Uh-oh. Are we still on?” Her voice had gotten smaller. [What's his reaction to her change of tone?]
“Yeah, of course. I just don’t think the movies is the best idea. I mean, it’s so overdone.” [Again tone said this in, some thoughts that accompany it]
“Oh, okay. So what did you have in mind as a replacement?” He could hear the smile reenter her voice. [Again, his reaction to this?]
“Oh, yeah. I probably should have come up with something before calling you. Hmm… Well, do you want to grab something to eat downtown and then go for a walk around there or something?”
“Yeah that sounds good. I’ll meet you at the gift shop where they take your picture and make it all crazy.” He heard the snap of a marker cap, like she was changing the plans on her calendar.
“Okay, that works. See you in English tomorrow.” He hung up the phone, glad to have that dilemma solved. A moment later he grabbed his jacket, scribbled a note to his mother, and left the house. Now he needed to scope out the perfect place to eat.


I'll do the next three parts next time I'm on here. But first of all before I go, I'll let you know my thoughts on this:

--> It was extremely enjoyable reading, and I love the way you word things - just brilliant!!

--> However, sometimes (as I pointed out) I felt that so9me details were lacking, but more in the first story than the second one. You need to focus more on the little details that make up the character, especially focusing on the thoughts and emotions, as that's what makes following a character through a book interesting!! Well, that and a great storyline :wink: hehe :D. So, I've pointed out where I think more details need to be added in, which should hopefully help you out somewhat (:

--> Your style is very interesting, and I'd love to see how the stories tie together. But my first impression are that this will be a very promising story, and I'll definitely be back to finish reading this (and maybe more when it's posted =D).

I hope this review helps you out, and I can't wait to read the rest!! Also, if you have any questions, or anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'm always more than happy to help (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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Hello darling! I believe I've reviewed you before!

Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

Her mother decided she needed to be more involved in her school, so here she was, kneeling in the middle of a hallway, trying to get the sting of paint fumes out of her nose.
I really like the description you put into this first paragraph, dear.


They were hotheaded, [s]conceded[/s]conceited jerks that were nasty to everyone but the director. But Parker wasn’t like that. As soon as she got home, Maya tossed her homework aside and hopped on the computer to check out his Facebook page. She found out he was into indie music, never missed an episode of CSI, and, most importantly, that he was currently single.


After a little digging over the next few days, Maya found out where and when some of his classes were. <--- Normally, I'd say that these actions were a bit creepy, but we are talking about a teenage girl's crush, after all. Good, realistic portrayal of your character.


Does he smile at everyone like that, or was it just for me? she wondered.<---Thoughts in italics.


“Oh, okay. So what did you have in mind as a replacement?” He could hear the smile reenter her voice.<---I don't like this last sentence. What about, "He could hear happiness in her voice again," or something like that.


“It means get out of my car, Penny Gertrude,” he answered, using her middle name, which (How about you add "he knew" right here?) she despised with every cell in her body.


She [s]w[/s]racked her brain, searching for the moment when it all went wrong.


If she couldn’t be in a relationship with a great guy anymore, then at least she could watch someone who was. <---I really love this line.



Language Usage & Writing Style: I liked this! Since you use two characters for almost every different POV, using 1st person wouldn't work. 3rd person was a nice choice. Besides adding a few more thoughts in to let the readers know a bit more of what your characters are thinking, I thought you did very well in this area!


Imagery & Emotion: You did well for using 3rd person, dear. The emotion was there, I'd just suggest adding more thoughts and descriptive body language to make it really apparent.
As for imagery, I think you should use more of the senses. Not just looks, but sound, touch, smell, and even taste. Let the reader really get into the world you're creating.

Characters: I liked all of your characters, but I have a few suggestions...
Parker- Seems nice, but make sure you add faults if you write more! He seems just a bit too perfect right now.
Also, be sure all of your characters have clear differences from the others. The reader should keep all of them straight, and you're using quite a few. Adding specific quirks to each character and/or couple-style will help.


Plot: I thought the plot was a nice, exposing idea. Make sure you keep it realistic and simple. :D


Overall: I liked this, dear! With a few improvements, it will be wonderful! Can't wait to read more- if you're going to post. :wink:

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music
Click-ity click! Reviews here. :)
The Completely Evil Plan.

"You treat me badly; I love you madly."
Formerly known as music_lover_7311.




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I am back *really excited*!! And ready to read the next three stories :D. I hope this will help you out... (:

AlyssaKyle wrote:Penny and Joe
“Do you want some McDonalds while we’re out?”
“Joe, keep your eyes on the road!” Penny screeched, pressing herself against her seat.
“Jeez, all I did was look at you for half a second! Calm down.” He shook his head, focusing on driving again.
“Do not tell me to calm down, Joseph. I do not need to calm down. Gosh, it makes me so angry when people tell me to calm down when I don’t need to calm down,” she said in one breath. [Haha that made me laugh =P ]
“Well, clearly you do. I’ve had my license for a while now and I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you telling me how to drive.”
“Well clearly you do,” Penny said, mimicking his tone. “And it is not my fault I’m not old enough to have my license yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know that it isn’t safe to drive without watching where you’re going.” She pressed the button that lowered her window. Crisp November air entered the car, but did nothing to cool the heated air between the young couple.
“Why are you getting so worked up about this?” Joe asked, doing nothing to hide the annoyance in his voice.
“I don’t know, Joseph. Maybe if we went out yesterday like we were supposed to we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” Penny folded her arms tightly across her stomach and stared out the window. She could have sworn everyone on the streets were coupled up which, at this moment, sickened her.
“’Kay, first off? Stop calling me ‘Joseph’. And I told you, work called last minute asking me to come in.”
“You should have told them that you were meeting your girlfriend in twenty minutes and that they would have to find somebody else.”
“But there was nobody else! And you know I need the money. Gas does not magically appear in the tank, and the car did not just show up in my yard one day.” Joe had redirected his course from heading to McDonalds to bringing Penny home. “It would be a lot easier to pay for if I didn’t have to waste my money on a whiny girlfriend,” he muttered after a moment.
“Oh, and what is that supposed to mean, Jo-seph?” she asked, stressing the name.
“It means get out of my car, Penny Gertrude,” he answered, using her middle name, which she despised with every cell in her body. Penny stepped out of the car, threw him one last hateful look, and slammed the door shut as hard as she could. As soon as he felt the door close, he stepped on the gas and drove away faster than he should have.


Josh and Emily
Tying his left shoe, Josh could tell everything was going to go right tonight. Exactly three hundred sixty-five days ago, he took Emily out for the first time. They went mini-golfing and grabbed a pretzel from the snack bar after. Emily won all three rounds and he had only let her win one. Straightening his tie in the mirror one last time, he shut off the lights in his room and walked out to his car.
He had told Emily to dress up so she would think they were going to a fancy restaurant or something. In reality, he was taking her back to the mini-golf place so they could do everything they did on their first date. He had spent plenty of time trying to figure out what to do on their anniversary, and had considered going the conventional route. But that wasn’t who they were. They were always doing crazy things.
Josh felt a knot tightening in his stomach as he traveled the walkway up to her door. He knew it was a risk to make her think they were doing something lavish and end up taking her mini-golfing with a bunch of middle schoolers running around. But something told him she would like this even better.
“Is that you Josh?” Emily asked as she opened the door. “It can’t be Josh. It is exactly seven. Josh is never on time,” she teased. He took in her outfit as she shut the door and joined him on the walk back to the car. Emily was wearing [s]wore[/s] a fluttery deep purple skirt with black butterflies paired with a black blouse. She had curled her hair—something Josh knew took her hours to do because her natural texture was pin straight and fussy. “So where are we going?” she asked, slipping into the passenger seat.
“I told you, it’s a secret,” he smiled. Emily played with the radio stations as he drove, getting bored with songs halfway through.
“Hey, I know this place,” she said half an hour later. They were quickly approaching their destination. “Are we going where I think we’re going?” A huge smile had taken over her face.
Josh smiled back, mostly because he was relieved Emily wasn’t mad. “That depends on where you think we’re going.” Five minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of the mini-golf place. They stood in line to get their clubs and pay for the games with the rest of the crowd, who were dressed in jeans and hoodies. Although they looked like they were headed for the opera, Emily and Josh much preferred their long-awaited rematch.

Carly
“I just don’t think this is going to work anymore,” he had begun. “Goodbye, Carly,” it had ended.
She sat up against her headboard with pillows for support, still under the covers. Her room was dark, having shut the door and drawn the shades. The only light was from her TV, playing The Notebook [as it's a name of a film, do you reckon it should be in italics?] for the second time in three days. There were only so many DVD’s in her room to choose from, half of which were not appropriate for her current state, and she certainly was not going into the living room to get more.
Carly was taking her time enjoying the pint of Chocolate Therapy Ben & Jerry’s ice cream her best friend Amanda had dropped off. She had left Phish Food, Chunky Monkey, and Cake Batter in the freezer. Her hand had numbed from holding the frigid container for so long. She made a face when she noticed she could see the bottom of the container on one side. As a result, she put even smaller amounts on the spoon to make it last longer. She rested the rich chocolate in her mouth, letting it melt before swallowing it, feeling the cool liquid slip down her throat. Her stomach started to ache, but she paid no attention to it. Despite her best efforts to concentrate on Ryan Gosling’s offbeat smile, Carly replayed the conversation over and over again, searching for some hidden meaning or answer.
They had dated for eight months, not counting the weeks when they were ‘just talking’. The least he could do was tell her why it was over. But he didn’t. When she asked him, all he would say was that things weren’t the same, and that it wasn’t working anymore. She wracked her brain, searching for the moment when it all went wrong. She couldn’t find it. She didn’t even know anything was wrong until he pulled her aside after school. The movie ended fifteen minutes before she realized it, being so lost in her thoughts.
Luckily it was vacation week, so she didn’t have to worry about facing anyone at school. She couldn’t even leave her room at the moment, let alone make herself presentable for her classmates. Carly pushed back the covers and with a great deal of effort managed to get up and walk over to her DVD player to pop in 27 Dresses [italics?]. Scooping up the melted chocolate in the ice cream container, she sighed. Carly knew she couldn’t do this forever. And she probably would never find out why he broke it off. But she wasn’t ready to accept that yet. Instead, she got back under her covers and pressed play. If she couldn’t be in a relationship with a great guy anymore, then at least she could watch someone who was.


Last Minute Views
I really enjoyed reading these last three stories, and what I love about each one (including the first two as well) is how different they are. You seem to have worked on creating totally different situations and character personalities, which I can say you achieved in bucket fulls, so well done for that!! =D

The only thing I could say for you to improve is work a little more on showing the characters thoughts and feelings. Otherwise, totally great job. You left me wanting to read much more on those five stories. Let me know if you edit this or add to it, I would love to help out some more and to read more of your work!!

Sorry this review wasn't all that helpful, but I really couldn't spot much wrong with this. But if you work on expressing the characters' thoughts and feelings a bit more, I can promise you that this will be even better!! Great job on this, and PM me if you have any questions or anything, and if you add more to this. (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."



someone hide fried pickles in my tree
— Iggy