Phantasm:Chapter One (Part Two)

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Here's the continuation of my Phantasm's chapter one. I'm glad for giving my Part one seven stars, although what I really wanted are critiques. Just a huge thank for those who read it...too much appreciated.

For those who wanted to read the predecessor of this one, here's the link, for an easy search:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic47850.html

Have fun! AND DON'T EVER FORGET TO CRITIQUE OR POST SOME REPLIES (compliments if you like, very much appreciated, hehe), or else, I won't post the next chapter, (threat again, hehe, peace out!)

PHANTASM

Chapter One: Emergency: Part Two

I looked at him abstractedly as I stepped closer. The temperature seemed to drop more and more and my body shook with it. I clasped my hands together and then rubbed.

My parents never wanted to leave me. They knew very well that I do paranormal activities – visualizing deceased dwellers and interacting with them – and took advantage of it. In fact, I had always helped them accept their lot, their visual aspects and go for everlasting life. Still, they chose to stay with me. How stubborn.

Anyway, who am I to reject? Besides, I loved them too much and never wanted them to leave me out of the blue.

Just a huge thank to my ability.

I widened my eyes and stuttered blissfully, “G-g-good m-m-morning.” I still found it hard to speak with my rattling teeth although I’ve been practicing it for years.

“Oh,” my father said, folding the newspaper and putting it at the top of the dining table, disregarding the pearl plates, “I’m glad your third eye still works.” He chuckled, offering me a mug with his firm grip.

I smiled and sat beside him, clutching the mug. I lifted it with my trembling hands and drunk – a cappuccino. Soon, I felt warm and my body ceased shaking.

“I’m also glad you’re still here,” I muttered, perfectly.

“Well, of course, my dear,” my mom spoke all of a sudden, turning her head and locking her sweet gaze at me. She was cooking something and it smelled really appetizing – somewhat like mixed onions and other spices. “We’ll continue to advice you and support you and never ever leave you.”

“Dead right!” my dad responded, nodding his head happily.

“Indeed,” I muttered, assuming. I yawned and stood up, moving the chair aside.

“Oh, no, no, no,” my mom said swiftly, walking toward me with a black pan on her pale right hand, “Skipping breakfast, again?”

I paused for a moment as she looked at me, baiting. “Alright,” I said in a resigned voice, sitting at the foamed wooden chair again. “What’s that?”

“My special omelet!” she said, putting it on the plate at the center.

“Chow down!” my dad said, dividing the omelet accordingly.

“I hope it’s edible.” I sighed, remembering the first time she prepared breakfast for me, on her condition – it was just a mere illusion. But, as time passed by, it was getting more and more real.

I ate double-quickly, thinking the important matters I needed to attend.

“Hey, why too fast?” my mom grumbled.

“I need to go to the hospital.” I answered, swallowing the omelet. “My friend’s there. Had an accident a while ago.”

“Car accident” I added.

“Oh, sorry… How miserable,” my mom muttered, abashed and despaired, “Maybe, he’s been suffering a lot. You know, burning open sores and torturous fractures and –” Tears began to accumulate in her eyes.

“I never felt something like that,” my dad said, wiping his mouth, “Did you?”

“I guess…not,” my mom answered, rubbing her eyes, “I just, ya know, describing my condition…for our child to have vibes on how we suffered a lot when he just wanted us to leave and live that everlasting life…”

I flinched and looked piercing at my mom. “Alright. I’ve seen like that a lot, almost a hundred times and you need not describe. If your leaving was your point, I just wanted to remind you that you’re already dead. I mean, life on earth is not forever and we’re all called to live our everlasting lives. I don’t even know why you’re not yet abducted and brought up to heaven but, I guess, you still have unfinished businesses which, I’ve always pleaded you to tell me, a thousand times! So, please…Anyways, I would like you to know that I’m so, so glad you’re here. It is just that I wanted you to experience what you needed to experience.”

Resting in peace, I wanted to added but stopped as I caught the bitter eyes of my mom. I took a deep breath and bowed my head. After, there was silence.

“Oh, by the way,” my dad said, stirred up, breaking the silence, “I saw someone in front of our house a while ago. I think he’s your friend. ”

“Right,” my mom agreed monotonously, avoiding my sight. She gasped and shaped up, as if forgetting what I just said, “I’ve seen him when you brought your friends here.”

I paused for a moment, pursing my lips. No one had informed me that he will be going here. If ever, for what reason?

“I wasn’t informed,” I told them, “Maybe, just a dead ringer or something.”

“But,” my mom muttered, winning over, “I’m one-hundred-percent sure he’s a friend and he got something to tell ya. I wanna let him in… but I guess that’s so, so impossible. Anyways, he looked like he’s a flight to pay heed to, so he left in no time.”

“So, next time,” my dad said in an advising tone, “You mustn’t sleep a wink. Emergency is always an emergency and will never be foreboded. Right, honey?”. He locked his sweet gaze at my mom.

She met his gaze, “Of course, Charley dear,” nodding.

“Alright,” I sighed, “Gotta go.” I gasped and stood up.

“Bye,” I muttered, walking out of the room.

I heard dad shouted “Take care” and after, soft murmurs. “Deadly conversations,” I told myself as I walked past the living room onto the wooden door. I opened it and saw the sun glistening above. I could feel the warm breeze rushing past my face as I headed toward my red Cheetah across the street. My dad bought me this as a present two years ago – just a week before they passed away – after I got my first driver license.

I put out the key from my pocket and pushed the Unlock button. I got in, wore the seat belt and then inserted the key into the ignition near the steering wheel. I shifted from “P” to “D”, eventually.
I drove normally, passing by immense, old trees that obscured the road. I looked at the side mirror and saw my small house, getting even smaller. I drove past another house which looked very old, haunted.

I took slow breaths as I focused my sight on the wide, gloomy path. At any rate, I was tackling Corpus Drive – the much known “Haunted Drive”. It was called such because of it’s being an accident-prone area and the series of human and animal cadavers found deep within its dense groves – with their spirits out of their body. In fact, I have proven it myself. Luckily, for the past months, I hadn’t seen any spooks.

“Hi,” someone spoke all of a sudden in a very friendly tone, surprising me. Her voice appeared to be very near, just behind. I looked at the rearview mirror and saw a very pale lady on white, with plucked eyes!

I could feel goosebumps at the back of my neck. My hands were trembling and so was my body – very cold.

I slowed down and looked at her. “Oh, h-h-hi. W-w-hat d-d-o y-yo-ou w-w-ant?

“Oh, you looked very cold.” she said, rubbing my shoulder, “Would you want me to warm you up?” she smiled.

“No! No thanks,” I said, very scared. I fidgeted, “I’m fine… Very.”

I was amazed that I could now utter words perfectly on my rattling teeth.

“Well then,” she said, concurring. She pulled back her hands and sighed. “I’m glad you took me for a ride.”

“I didn’t –”

“Oh,” she said, interrupting, “I can sense my grave’s near. Thanks for the ride. Bye!”

Before I could say a word, she disappeared. How terrible. I sighed with relief, sat still and sped up.

The road began to buoy up. At last, I reached the end of the drive. I turned right, to the Plum Avenue, and went straight to the National Highway, which directed to Eastwood City.

I drove almost an hour and finally arrived at the city of Eastwood, where civilization could be clearly seen – skyscrapers, business units, men of affairs and traffics. I could hear loud honks inside as people continued to cross the streets. Not far, a man was shouting at the top of his voice, furious.

I waited patiently, about half an hour until all was set, resolved perfectly. I wanted to drive fast but the cars ahead seemed very uncooperative.

I turned my head and saw a fair-skinned woman wearing black slacks and white sleeveless shirt walking on the sidewalk. Her wobbling brown pony-tailed hair looked very familiar to me. She’s Rose, my friend – actually, Ken’s girlfriend.

I swerved hurriedly and parked beside her.

“Heya!” I greeted her with my windows rolled down.

“Oh, goodness. Can I?” she said, pointing out my car.

“Of course!” I said, nodding.

She went in the passenger’s seat and I set off.

“I’ve been waiting for a Taxi for ten years!” she said, rolling her eyes, “Thank God, you caught me.”

“Much appreciated,” I told her, looking through the rearview mirror, “So, going to the hospital too?”

“Yeah,” she nodded with bittersweet eyes. She wiped her sweaty face with a white handkerchief and after, sat still and closed her eyes. I would like to talk to her about the Ken, but she seemed very tired.

A few minutes later, the cars ahead started to cease again. “Not again!” I sighed, knocking the steering wheel.

“Oh, why?” she said, puzzled.

“Traffic, again,” I told her, grumbling.

“Oh, I see,” she said, nodding her head.

I waited patiently, again. Shortly, I realized there aren’t any people crossing the street or any other dealings. So, why must there be a traffic?

“Why traffic?” I grumbled.

“Maybe,” Rose muttered, “There’s an accident or something.”

“Oh,” I sighed, rolling down the window beside me and putting out my head. I just saw a great stretch of cars. Rose did the same.

“I guess we’re gonna be stuck in here, forever.” she told me, sighing.

I sighed and turned on the radio. A few seconds later, my body began to shiver. It was ice-cold again. Soon, my heart started to beat faster.

I turned my head and saw a bloody man, wearing blue helmet that covered his entire head, walking awkwardly beside. His left hand was crushed while her right hand missing. Luckily, he still got perfect feet. What’s dreadful was his body with a metal through it and protruding organs – heart and lungs.

I squirmed. “Man! You’ve gone too far!”

“What?” Rose muttered, surprised and puzzled.

“Oh, nothing.” I answered. “I just saw something and it’s no big deal.”

I realized that it was only Ken who knew very well that I see dead people. I tried my best to inform my other friends but they just won’t believe me, saying “If that’s so, then I can see the future” or “I can also see monsters, printed on your undies.”

The ethereal being walked past us. I gasped and prayed silently "Oh, my Jesus... lead all souls into heaven, especially those who are in most need of your mercy."

“I hope,” I said, sedately, “the man who met an accident there would rest in peace.”

“Do you think he died?” Rose asked.

“Absolutely,” I told her, reassured, “His heart went out after being struck by a sharp metal, I guess from his motorcycle. Lucky he wore a helmet, or else his head could have been crashed, like what happened to his hands… so terrible.”

“Whoa, very disgusting,” she said, “How’d you know?”

I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Instinct,” I told her with a huge grin on my face.
Last edited by nevermore on Tue May 26, 2009 3:49 am, edited 2 times in total.




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To be honest, I think this wasn't quite as good as the previous part of the story. It was confusing at first, until I realised it was the ghosts of his parents.

Here's some changes to consider.

I widened my eyes and sighed blissfully, “G-g-good m-m-morning.” I still found it hard to speak with my rattling teeth although I’ve been practicing it for years.


Sighed doesn't seem like the right word. The way he speaks indicates stuttering, not sighing.

She was cooking something and it smelled really appetizing – somewhat onions.


I believe you mean somewhat like onions. Somewhat onions is gramatically incorrect.

“I hope it’s audible.” I sighed


Edible, not audible. Audible means loud enough to be heard.

“My friend’s there. Met an accident a while ago.”


I'd swap met for had. Met sounds like what you might say if you were talking about someone you didn't know. Had gives more impact.

“Oh, sorry… How miserable,” my mom muttered, abashed and despaired, “Maybe, he’s been suffering a lot. You know, burning open sores and torturous fractures and –” Tears began to accumulate in her eyes.


If you were upset about someone being hurt, you'd try not to think of the gory details. Her saying all that just makes it sound like she's rubbing it in.

He locked her sweet gaze at my mom.


Locked his gaze.

I swerved hurriedly and parked beside her.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” I told her with my windows rolled down.


Why is he asking what's the matter? He knows what the matter is - her boyfriend's had a car crash. Also you should swap the word told for asked. She doesn't seem very emotional about the whoe affair either. Her boyfriend's in hospital, she should be upset.

A few minutes later, the cars ahead started to cease again. “Not again!” I sighed, knocking the steering wheel.
“Oh, why?” she said, puzzled.
“Traffic, again,” I told her, grumbling.


He shouldn't need to tell her there's traffic, I'm sure she can see that.

His left hand was crushed while her right hand missing.


You accidentally said her instead of his. While should be replaced with and.

I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Instinct,” I told her with a huge grin on my face.


It hardly seems the right situation for huge grins.

I think you should make the characters take Ken being in hospital more seriously. They're quite casual about it at the moment. There was also some bad diction in here. Here's a list of complicated words to change.

Abstractedly, abashed, foreboded, concurring, bouy. There were some others that were sort of difficult, but these were the main ones.

It also seemed like youd left out conjunctions sometimes eg.

“Why traffic?” I grumbled.


"Why the traffic?"

As an overall note, I have to say the dialogue was a little unrealistic and cliche. The first part of the story was excellent, so you obviously have the skills to bring this up to scratch. I assume this was a first draft, whereas you went through and edited the first part - or you were tired when you wrote this or something.

One more thing. In the first chapter there is nothing about him being able to see dead people. Then suddenly he's seeing them everywhere. I think it would be better if you introduced it a little slower. It was confusing at first because I didn't even realise it was his dad's ghost until further on. Just a sentence or so that hints at it would suffice.

Regards,

Jeff.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Hippie! Thanks for the critique... Here are some clarifications and some things you needed to consider - I hope...hehe..

For all of you reading this part, please, do also read this:

First of all, I really would like to confuse the readers...kiddn'... But, I didn't want to state that the main character sees ghosts or he has sixth sense or whatever, at the drop of the hat and directly. I wanted the readers, like you, to discover it themselves. Anyways, I did put hints. For instance, the terms "very pale" and "pallid" that were meant to describe the skin complexion of the characters, could possibly give you one hint. Who could have a complexion like that in a tropical country and even in real situations? You could only have such when you're tensed, scared, very very tired, sick and when your DEAD. Right? Matthew and Tracy weren't tensed at all, and why would they?

Hence - I guess you've already got an idea - Tracy and Matthew were already dead and that's what I wanted to reveal on the next chapters...One more thing, you could possibly guess, correctly, that they're dead and that Charles, the main character, could see ghosts 'cause I've already stated that on the Prologue, though not DIRECTLY, and on the first part of first chapter with the statements :

1. "I have been ALONE for years and my friends were my only NORMAL companions.
2. "It could have been very hard to recover, if weren’t for my friends and my VERY EXCEPTIONAL ABILITY"
3. and most importantly, "THUS, FOR A NORMAL EYE, I MUST BE ALONE. NEVERTHELESS, ON MY OWN PERSPECTIVE, I WASN'T AND I FELT VERY MUCH OVERWHELMED BY THIS FACT."

Got it?

The main point why I stated, first, that his parents had died of a car accident is for you to already get the point that he sees ghosts when I affirmed, right at the end, that his father had just appeared. And, he wasn't surprised at all when he saw his father, very much alive, on the dining room.

Also, the entiree first part was devoted for you, readers, to exactly know, though, again, not directly, that he sees ghosts. So, hippie, I guess, I already made it a little slower and the introduction was really long enough - from the prologue 'til the first part of the first chapter..

That's why, this second part was written to support the fact that he sees ghosts of different kinds, especially when he went out of his home...okay?

Yeah, this part, honestly, was confusing 'cause I haven't reviewed it myself. I would really work this out to hit your taste! Just give some time...a year may do, kidding...and Presto!

Hope you would make a little consideration while I work this out..

TY!




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Additional, the words I used, which were difficult for you, were the words I learned as I read Stephenie Mayer's books and that of J.K. Rowling's. Actually, upon encountering those words, I was also surprised. But I was motivated to ask my bestest friend, Webster, and found luckily, found their meanings, in a jiffy!

I guess, you have one friend like that and you could possibly ask him out. okay?




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Also, right, she wasn't even emotional about the entire affair, 'cause Rose already dumped Ken without Charles knowing it...will be affirmed on the next chapters...

Just thanks, I guess I'll just clarified this second part..okay?

Sorry if I'm being too defensive, but I just needed to save my work.

Do worry not, 'cause I'll be accepting your suggestions...A HUGE THANK!




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Also, right, she wasn't even emotional about the entire affair, 'cause Rose already dumped Ken without Charles knowing it...will be affirmed on the next chapters...

Just thanks, I guess I'll just clarified this second part..okay?

Sorry if I'm being too defensive, but I just needed to save my work.

Do worry not, 'cause I'll be accepting your suggestions...A HUGE THANK!



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart